Chances of reconcililation??

[bingobango]

Hi LS. This is my first post, but i have read a lot of the threads and find the information here very useful.

 

I have recently been dumped by my girlfriend of 14 months and i am hurting like hell. We've known each other and have been best friends for 10 years and did alot of things together but it was purely platonic for the majority of it. After 7/8 years, we started to develop feelings for each other and we both felt we got really close and that there was something there between us. However, neither of us acted on it as I had a girlfriend then, and she left to work abroad for a year. During this time, we kept in constant contact, updating each other on our situations and letting each other know how much we missed each others conversations etc. When she got back, we were both single now and just picked up where we left off and it felt like she never left. We hooked up quickly and it all felt nice. We were both unemployed at this point so spent everyday together, doing all sort of things. It was like this for 4.5 months and everything felt perfect. We both agreed our 9 year friendship led us to this and it didn't feel weird. In fact, it felt natural and we fell deeply in love with each other very quickly.

 

Her whole family loved me, especially her gran who always takes a dislike to all her bf's. They even mentioned us getting married and thought we were engaged. My ex always mentions marriage too and even openly told her parents she will marry me. Even though we weren't dating that much, we felt we've known each other long enough because of our friendship. We literally knew everything about each other, from our ex's, previous sex life etc, but it never felt weird. It just made us trust each other alot more than normal.

 

She then got a job in a different city so it became a LDR for the reminder of the relationship. But everything was still going well. We both felt we had a solid foundation and we stuck with it with the goal of eventually being together in the same place soon. We chatted alot on the phone, skype, email, text, every form of communication you could imagine. We visited each other once every 3 three weeks. It was difficult seeing her leave all the time and it was never easy but we worked at it and supported each other. Everytime we met up, all our problems disappeared and again it felt like we were never apart. We made plans and set each other goals so that we could see the light at the end of this LDR.

 

This was all going well until a year into the relationship (8 months into LDR), when she suddenly blurted out that it wasn't working anymore and she briefly suggested breaking up. This was our first serious obstacle as we never had any problems before or argued about anything serious. The main problem here was that i was recently invited for an interview for a job based abroad, but wouldn't start for a good 6/7 months later. I applied to this long time ago and at first she was all excited about moving out with me. But now she said she didn't want to join me just yet, but later once she's had enough experience from her current job. We talked over this and i agreed i will move down and just look for any random job for now, but it was mainly to build on our relationship. We also ironed out all the problems that were on her mind. After, she said she felt so happy to have talked as it was on her mind for awhile, and that she felt so much closer to me now.

 

After i went home, she went abroad for three weeks with her sis and when she came back i was given a date for that interview straight after, which gave us no time to meet up inbetween. My interview lasted a month abroad so it meant we wouldn't see each other again until 2 months later. Whilst she was abroad she would email me and i would text her everyday letting each other know what we got up to and even small msgs like "i love you". When i was busy and i never replied she would chase up on me with a text instead to see if everthing was ok. Our relationship felt stronger. When it was my turn to go away, everything was still fine and she was supportive and even emailed saying happy 1 year and 2 months anniversary (two weeks into my interview process). But she started to withdraw and when i donn't email her she wouldn't get in contact (quite the opposite to when she was away with her sis) and two days later she broke up with me! We had a slight disagreement and probably a couple of arguments in the two weeks preceding it, mainly cause we both felt lonely and missed each other alot, but we still emailed and talked on the phone saying how much we loved each other etc. But the breaking point was when she told me a colleague of hers tried to kiss her a few times, but she pushed him away. I trust her! Now at this point i must stress, earlier in the relationship, she made me avoid a friend of mine as she didn't feel comfortable with her comments on my FB wall. I duly agreed with her for the sake of our relationship, even though this girl lived 600 miles away, was purely a friend, never made a move on me in the 3 years i've known her, and our friendship has been online/phone based for the last 2 years. So anyway, i questioned her about this colleague of hers and made my feelings aware that i am uncomfortable with him. I said i don't mind her being around him at work, but i would appreciate it if she kept her distance from him in the social scene as i don't know if he won't try it again. She felt like she was being interrogated and did not want to return the favour i offered her a few months back! She said this was different and my female friend was more inappropriate! Even though its not in my character, and i trust her wholeheartedly (even now), I became clingy and possessive because of this loneliness and this didn't help the conversation.

 

Anyway, she dumped me, and she cried down the phone saying she's unhappy, she's settled into the city, she doesn't want this anymore and didn't actually want to move away with me. If she never told me who she truly felt how can we make any realistic plans for us? she never opened up to me and never wanted to discuss this and it was a case of' here it is, accept it!'. She sent me an email a few days later to confirm this is what she wanted. I did the whole usual begging, pleading, and convincing her to get back, but she went cold on me. Eventually she sent me some really harsh messages back and told me to just accept it. I suggested, once i'm back, we go away for a make or break weekend to iron out our issues. I stressed to her it was non committal and if it didn't work out we will go our separate ways. But she quickly declined. How can someones feelings change so quickly?? It went from i love you to sayonara in a click of a finger. Its like a light switch just went off. I just have a feeling someone else is involved as she always mentions a guy at work. She never thought much of his actions, but from what she says, its clearly flirting. I never said anything of course as i trusted her. But then again, maybe no one is involved. I then went NC for awhile and then asked for a phone call for closure. We did this once i got home from the interview. i mentioned that i don't think we can be friends anymore and she just accepted it without any remorse. Its like she didn't care we've been friends for 10 years! She then said she changed over time and hated how she was always moody in the last couple of weeks, was a horrible girlfriend to me and that my clingyness pushed her away (even though she agrees i'm not that kinda person and it was mainly the loneliness that started it). she also feels we brought the worst out of each other. She just brushed our friendship aside as if it was worthless. She didn't even want to meet to talk! After 10 years that's how she wanted to end things-over a phone call. She didn't even suggest meeting up in the future. Her definition of being friends was the occasional chat here and there but even she agreed that might not even work once we see other people. I appreciate her honesty, but why say all the **** about "you're so important to me, can't imagine my life without you in it, etc etc" if she had no intentions of maintaining it. But its her tone and complete lack of emotion to our history that kills me.

 

The crap thing is, i've also secured a job in her city (talk about timing and fate!). I applied for the position before we split and its a great job. I told her i might take it and she said she's a bit upset about it as it wouldn't help either of us move on. I told her that i respect her opinion but i must now do whats best for me and this job is exactly that!

 

Anyway, i still want to get back with her. I asked her if there's still a chance in the future and she said "well if we're not friends how are we going to sort things out?". I made it clear if she's open to the idea then yes we can keep in contact, but if no then its goodbye. She said ok. She said its not really a good idea right now as she's kinda happy, feel stronger and also feel more like herself now.

 

What do you think? Do you think i still have a fighting chance in the future? I'm hurting so much right now and it feels such a shame our friendship is now completely over exactly 10 years after we first met. I love her so much but i'm not sure how she feels. It sounds like she's emotionally checked out but i'm never really certain of this. Is she just being cold to make it easy on me, or her? I can't help but think most of our problems was due to the distance, something even she admits. But she seems so unwilling to try anything to fix it, even though i suggested moving down.

 

Sorry for rambling on!! I feel lost. Its been three weeks now and i am trying to move on, but its difficult. Anyone think i have a chance? There is so much history and love between us and i don't think our problems are that difficult to fix. Its just her stubbornness to try. Its so sad to throw away everything we had- thats whats killing me.

 

Any help would be nice.

 

Thanks!!

Edited November 8, 2011 by bingobango

[penshelly]

I believe chances of reconciliation. Everyone of us have a chance to be forgive, the hard one can't forgive easily is our ego or pride! On my own experience reconciling with someone who hurt you or you have been hurt is a great feeling!!