Realized I may never have children now.

[keepdancin]

I waited 8 years for him. He was the string along king. He "was never going to leave me," and everything else under the sun you could think of to make a woman feel secure in her relationship including "will you marry me?" Our families loved each other. We were the most awesome couple I knew. He just suddenly stopped taking the relationship further about a year ago, talk of the future became less and less, and he became despondent. Now, I have been dumped and I'm 33 and some months. We were engaged. A year and a half ago, I thought I'd be planning my wedding now.

 

Ladies, I pass my lesson to you. Don't get strung along. Even if you don't want children now, you may, and when some ******* decides to "find himself" at 36 and leaves you when you are in the last few of your child-bearing years... yeah, it feels real bad. What am I gunna do, find some guy and get married and try for kids within a year or two while I'm dealing with the repercussions of a breakup of an 8 year relationship? Unlikely. I'm afraid every guy I might try and date in the next 6 months or even a year will be a rebound of some kind, and now I'm that 30 something chick looking for a husband and a baby...yuck city. I don't want to be that.

 

This is also advice to the gentleman out there, take heed. You may not realize it, but if you are in a LTR with a woman through her late twenties and into her thirties, cut it off or marry her. If she is 30 or older and you don't think you want to marry her and you've been together for over 3 years, that's enough. Let her have the opportunity to choose to be a mother some day. Age may be nothin but a number, but in terms of fertility, biology could care less about how vivacious you are or how youthful you look.

 

You know, it's got me to thinking about all the women who have children and were "left" with them. At least they were able to have a child with someone that they loved, even if they don't love them anymore. Which is worse? Being a single parent, or never being a parent when you want to be? I know there's always adoption, but I wanted to experience being pregnant and giving birth with a man I love who wanted the same. He did... at one time.

 

This is a whole new level of hurt. This is so screwed up.

[wilsonx]

So here's some insight for you, you can sit on this anger/hatred towards yourself or your ex for the next 8-10 years or you can better yourself go out and get what YOU want.

 

Just because it did not happen with one guy doesnt mean it can't happen with someone better

[Misar7]

OMG! You have no idea!!! I am right there with you! I wanted a family more than anything in the world!! I too was with my ex for 8 1/2 yrs I am 34 he is 30. The last few months of us we were talking of getting pregnant again, as I had in the past but lost them. So we started planning for it again, his idea, I of course was more than ready and happy about it. Well, the last month of our relationship, well the last few weeks I should say, he got all weird and distant. Only for me to find out he slept with some 22 yr old he met that works at a gas station near his office where he works. So I cut off all contact as did he..only for me to find out a few wks later she is PREGNANT!!

 

This all happened in August..I am still devastated and have no idea how to handle it. As it is all sorta close to home like it or not, as his sister who met my brother a year after we had been dating, they got married..so we are connected in that way like it or not!! His whole family has sorta cut me off, saying they know what he did was wrong, but that they will love the baby so it was best to cut me off. He knew this girl all of weeks before he knocked her up!! It stings like hell to know this all happened and for her to be 11 yrs younger OUCH..now here I am 34 single in so much pain..and wanting a baby more than anything in the world. Also, just learned that my 18 yr old niece is pregnant too. My little brothers wife just had her second baby..I am LOSING IT!!!!!!!!!

 

To make things even worse, after 2 months of not hearing a word from him..in early October, he gets a hold of me to tell me how deeply sorry he is! Cause he knows how much this is killing me..wow..someone shoot me!

[Misar7]

I see what you are saying Wilsonx I really do understand where you are coming from..but like it or not us woman have a time limit on that sort of thing! Men do not! Also, woman have that ache and yearn in them for a child, and the older a woman gets the harder it is to get pregnant, the more problems there are with the pregnancy and the baby. It is just hard to deal with even more so if like me you have lost babies before.

[69ways]

You girls look like you got together with not serious and immature guys.

I wanted to marry my ex and even put a date but she got depressed a few months before the big engagement party of 300 people i was putting up, even if she bought her dress two days before leaving me.

 

I really dont get it why life must be so complicated.

 

33 is not old to have children but you are risking it if you wait to meet the prince on the white horse.

 

I believe you will be just fine, dont waste time with this guy you been wasting 8 years with and go out and keep looking if your target is to meet a man who loves you and wants a family.

[keepdancin]

Wow, Misar. I am SO SORRY. That is a terrible scenario. You are still here, so you are finding ways to manage it. The best advice someone gave me was to be a queen. Be a breakup queen. Be the one that when all others think you should be going psycho and losing it, you prove them wrong. You prove to yourself that you have more dignity than anyone, ESPECIALLY your ex. What a dog bag he is. I would imagine his life is pretty screwed up now. I don't know the details about your relationship, but I can't think of any 30 year old guy who would be thrilled about getting a 22 year old chick knocked up while in a relationship he's invested 8 years into. He royally screwed up and would be incredibly dense not to see it. So, take solace in that... I guess.

 

It is just good to hear from another woman who is in this kinda "WTF is this biology BS the world has given me? And, WTF is up with the world pretending not to notice? Just have a career! Who needs pretty weddings and kids?" Buncha jerks. This is the thing that makes me crazy. Yes, yes, I get it, I can get up every morning on my own, build an amazing career on my own, have wonderful friendships, and life experiences on my own, date and have fun, but I'm not marrying myself any time soon, and the many many many life experiences I want that involve a life partner just feel stolen from me. I worked really hard to be ready to move to the next "partnered" chapter of my life, and when I finally got my **** together, my partner left.

 

Like I said, buncha jerks.

[keepdancin]

69ways, bless your sweet heart. Yup, he never grew up, definitely immature, out of integrity, cowardly. I guess he intends to finally grow up now though, now that he's all single n stuff, go grow up and "figure himself out."

 

I don't understand why people breakup because they are depressed. You would think their logical brain might step in a little and say, "hey, this is actually when you should be clinging to someone that loves you... when you are having difficulty loving yourself. I know it feels weird, but you will be thankful later." This is kind of along the lines of people who feel like they can't "find themselves" while in a relationship, even when their partner gives them tons of space and support.

 

And, yes 33 is not too old to have children, not at all. But, it's a crappy time to have just been dumped out of a LTR, because you are looking at the time frame of dealing with the breakup, dating, etc. and now with this stupid agenda that your body can't help. Argh!

[69ways]

69ways, bless your sweet heart. Yup, he never grew up, definitely immature, out of integrity, cowardly. I guess he intends to finally grow up now though, now that he's all single n stuff, go grow up and "figure himself out."

 

I don't understand why people breakup because they are depressed. You would think their logical brain might step in a little and say, "hey, this is actually when you should be clinging to someone that loves you... when you are having difficulty loving yourself. I know it feels weird, but you will be thankful later." This is kind of along the lines of people who feel like they can't "find themselves" while in a relationship, even when their partner gives them tons of space and support.

 

And, yes 33 is not too old to have children, not at all. But, it's a crappy time to have just been dumped out of a LTR, because you are looking at the time frame of dealing with the breakup, dating, etc. and now with this stupid agenda that your body can't help. Argh!

 

It quite difficult to ignore your biological clock but your logic should kick in and pursuit a new partner who will be there for you and the children.

So give it some time, you sound a down to earth sentimentally logical individual and the chances are on your side , it will finally work out

[Sugarkane]

Sorry to hear about such horrible breakups. I can't understand why a guy would do that. Why do they have a kid so quickly with the next person for? I mean who In their right mind comes out of a serious relationship and has a kid with someone they've known only weeks? Talk about rushing it. Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen! I wouldn't want to get pregnant by someone on the rebound, that's for sure.

[69ways]

Sorry to hear about such horrible breakups. I can't understand why a guy would do that. Why do they have a kid so quickly with the next person for? I mean who In their right mind comes out of a serious relationship and has a kid with someone they've known only weeks? Talk about rushing it. Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen! I wouldn't want to get pregnant by someone on the rebound, that's for sure.

I agree and lets not forget the unprotected sex with a new person..........

[Misar7]

I hear ya keepdancin, bunch of jerks!! I like that we can be the break up queens, come out on top and better in the end without them! I have a feeling your man will be back though. Well either way he is a SELFISH man only thinking himself! Ugh! We know we can do better, we know we deserve better, but it does not stop the hurt and anger and the fact that we are at a age where, we don't have all the time in the world! I understand you completely!

 

Well Sugarkane and 69ways...he claimed it was just sex on the side supposed to be said he had no intention of ever even dating her, said it was just a good looking girl who came on to him, and he went with it, said the condom broke! He told me all this when he came back in early October to apologize! Said he messed up bad, even teared up and said if he could rewind and go back he would. Told me that he made this bed and now he has no choice to lay in it, but I will tell you he jumped right into to a relationship with her. So idk if anything he told me was true. He then told me that he would still father my child, and that the offer is on the table if I wanted it, cause he knows how much I wanted our baby!

He said but I have to tell you that if I did, it would all have to be a secret for now. Cause if she found out she would get very upset and might lose the baby. CAN YOU BELIEVE HIM?????!!! I have no idea who this man is anymore!!! I was so upset after that conversation!!

His sister befriended her quickly, we used to be close but her new friendship with her has ruined that. Well, a few wks ago she admitted that maybe karma is getting her brother, cause the girl was very demanding and needy, broke, had no car, and is demanding they get a place together, and he no longer has any free time from her. Which is complete opposite of me. We had a very independent relationship, I never needed him or was needy or clingy at all.

Yea go ahead lay in that bed you made!

[ChelseaLS]

This situations are unfortunate, but it's not only men it's women too.

I also think there is a serious ideal relationship issue going on in our society. Coming from myself, a women, we have been fed since childhood the idea, that our romantic relationships should be all fairy tales. That prince charming will come along and we will have babies, and they will support us 100% emotionally, physically, etc. Sure it sounds sweet and wonderful, but it's not reality.

We all (men and women) need to stop blaming the other person. A relationship take two to make and two to break. Even though it may seem very one sided, dig deeper there is an underlying issue there.

[keepdancin]

He then told me that he would still father my child, and that the offer is on the table if I wanted it, cause he knows how much I wanted our baby!

He said but I have to tell you that if I did, it would all have to be a secret for now. Cause if she found out she would get very upset and might lose the baby. CAN YOU BELIEVE HIM?????!!! I have no idea who this man is anymore!!!

 

Douchebag lunatic.

[thatone]

if you want a family so bad why did you two end up in 8 year 'independent' relationships in your own words? those two things are mutually exclusive.

[KathyM]

I waited 8 years for him. He was the string along king. He "was never going to leave me," and everything else under the sun you could think of to make a woman feel secure in her relationship including "will you marry me?" Our families loved each other. We were the most awesome couple I knew. He just suddenly stopped taking the relationship further about a year ago, talk of the future became less and less, and he became despondent. Now, I have been dumped and I'm 33 and some months. We were engaged. A year and a half ago, I thought I'd be planning my wedding now.

 

Ladies, I pass my lesson to you. Don't get strung along. Even if you don't want children now, you may, and when some ******* decides to "find himself" at 36 and leaves you when you are in the last few of your child-bearing years... yeah, it feels real bad. What am I gunna do, find some guy and get married and try for kids within a year or two while I'm dealing with the repercussions of a breakup of an 8 year relationship? Unlikely. I'm afraid every guy I might try and date in the next 6 months or even a year will be a rebound of some kind, and now I'm that 30 something chick looking for a husband and a baby...yuck city. I don't want to be that.

 

This is also advice to the gentleman out there, take heed. You may not realize it, but if you are in a LTR with a woman through her late twenties and into her thirties, cut it off or marry her. If she is 30 or older and you don't think you want to marry her and you've been together for over 3 years, that's enough. Let her have the opportunity to choose to be a mother some day. Age may be nothin but a number, but in terms of fertility, biology could care less about how vivacious you are or how youthful you look.

 

You know, it's got me to thinking about all the women who have children and were "left" with them. At least they were able to have a child with someone that they loved, even if they don't love them anymore. Which is worse? Being a single parent, or never being a parent when you want to be? I know there's always adoption, but I wanted to experience being pregnant and giving birth with a man I love who wanted the same. He did... at one time.

 

This is a whole new level of hurt. This is so screwed up.

What you've described is pretty common. A woman invests the best years of her life with a guy thinking it will eventually result in marriage and children, only to find out later that he doesn't have the guts, interest, or maturity to take that step, and he ends up wasting years of her life, stringing her along. I've known some women to whom this happened. Good rule of thumb to avoid this scenario--don't waste more than 1 1/2 years of your life with one guy without getting a ring. If he hasn't proposed after 1 1/2 year's time, he's history. Set a wedding date together shortly after the engagement. If the guy postpones, then it's a dealbreaker. Life is too short, and your youth is too fleeting, to waste on guys who can't or won't commit.

[Misar7]

You are so right KathyM!

[immitable]

 

This is also advice to the gentleman out there, take heed. You may not realize it, but if you are in a LTR with a woman through her late twenties and into her thirties, cut it off or marry her. If she is 30 or older and you don't think you want to marry her and you've been together for over 3 years, that's enough. Let her have the opportunity to choose to be a mother some day. Age may be nothin but a number, but in terms of fertility, biology could care less about how vivacious you are or how youthful you look.

 

This is a whole new level of hurt. This is so screwed up.

 

Well, I am 36 yo male and my ex gf of 5 years dumped me (she will turn 35 this month). She never ever mentioned marriage or children. She used to say when we were among friends that she doesn't think high of marriage, it's just a paper according to her. Was she bluffing the whole time??

I never asked her directly as I didn't want to bring up her past experience with that, but has she ever given me a sign, NO.

 

She is a carreer woman and already has a marriage behind her (lasted 3 years) she dumped him.

 

We had a fling as teenagers and known eachother for years, she lived in another country. We live in the same city now.

I used to have a career but decided to go back to uni and get my degree.

She was supportive of me I was supportive of her. We never fought or anything like that. Maybe you could help me with what a 35 year old woman like that could be thinking? It beats me.

[thatone]

the same thing she was thinking when she left her ex husband.

 

red flags are for observing, not ignoring. and yeah everyone is guilty of ignoring, myself included, but every ended relationship should result in more lessons learned that won't turn into repeated mistakes.