Laylani Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 I am looking for perspective as I find myself becoming too emotional to gain perspective when it comes to this issue. If anyone could offer me their wise words that would be great. I am a 28 year old woman who naturally wants to get married like most women do, in a relationship with my boyfriend who is almost 31 years old for 2+ years. We are both very much in love and dedicated to our relationship. I feel that at this point getting engaged and married maybe a year later is the right thing to do and I have been extremely vocal about this for the past year. Boyfriend seemed like he was on board with the idea and I was operating under the assumption that we'll be doing that soon. However, just recently we started to talk extensively about these plans as the assumed timeline got nearer, and I found that we are not so much on the same page about it after all. What I have gathered from our conversation is that marriage/family/children are all something he wants in his life no doubt, that I am the right girl and he loves our relationship, but that he thinks he needs to feel 100% ready to do it and that he doesn't have that "snap" this is it moment so he's too nervous. It seems like he really started to question himself if he can do it. It seems like he wants to be ready but his mind is not ready (if that makes sense). Looks like he recently started to talk and ask things about marriage with his friends(unhappily married/ happily married and single), which I think might be confusing a bit more? I think it is good that he takes it seriously and being smart about it, but, would there be any "perfect" timing or "snap" moment to do anything? If he needs to wait for that snap to happen, will it ever happen? He himself thinks "snap" thing is worrisome too. He says he feels he could wait to do the big thing but at the same time he doesn't want to be like his friend who is 40 yo and finally wants to settle down but having a hard time meeting woman. You just can't win. He is willing to do counseling and generally receptive to me when we talk. I am just generally having a hard time dealing with this because I wanted the relationship to naturally progress to the next level and more, and I feel like I can't believe we are struggling with this. Again. I should mention that I still have hard feelings about my last relationship that didn't bring bigger commitment. I still have resentment about that. Although, my current one is very different from the last one in terms of dedication/communication/general commitment whereas the last one was just not there at all I must admit. I mean, we are not that young and I can't wait too long for things to happen for my emotional sanity. He knows this and he says that he won't string me along if/when he decides he might be stringing me along. My stance has been that if someone wasn't sure or ready after 2 years, there won't be any more to learn for more months and years. But we want to be with each other and feel that this is the right relationship so I also don't feel right about pushing the issue when he's obviously struggling within himself and I want to be understanding if we're partners? I am not sure what's the right thing for me to do here. I hope I made sense. Thanks.
Leegh Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 I think what he needs is to feel the loss of you. If you break up with him the pain of losing you may be so great that he will do anything to get you back. There is a book entitled "Getting to I Do" by Dr. Pat Allen, it was written in the 90's, but it is a great book and it discusses situations such as yours. I'm sure you can get it on Amazon. This book would be a perfect read for your situation.
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