sweetlife Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 please some of you that have been thru. affairs and are trying to make the M. work, is there really a time where talking about the affair becomes a non-heated talk? I am not complaining, please don't reverse my words. dont know if to keep taking about it is a sign of things just going down hill rather then getting to a point where both of us can feel confortable taking about it. any openions are appreciated.
Bryanp Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 I don't know if a betrayed spouse can ever feel comfortable talking about how his spouse humiliated, disrespected and degraded them and their marriage. It is simply too painful.
RickFox Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 Normal? No. Is it part of the healing process? I say yes to an extent. Will it not be heated? No, not for a while, wouldn't you be pissed? My wife and I try not to talk about it, it comes up every now and then, she is in severe competition with my xMW so much so, she refuses to eat so much and regulates herself because she thinks the xOW is beautiful and tries to be like her despite me telling her otherwise....that part is slowly destroying what is left between us as we try to move forward. There comes a point where you must leave it behind, you cannot drive while looking backwards, at times you will, but you have to face forward and drive on if both of you want to make it work. Communication is key, but sometimes with a therapist and not directly with each other in the beginning.
frozensprouts Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 OP, my husband had an affair about 2 1/2 yrs ago. At first, I didn't want to talk about it, then i really wanted to and got really upset every time. Then, aftet some time had passed, it got easier to talk about. Now, if we talk about it, which doesn't happen very often, there's a tiny bit of a pang of sadness, but that's about it. It takes time, and, in the beginning, talking about it can be a good thing, if it allows someone to let their feelings out. I know that the amount of time it takes for things to get better can be frustrating, but i'd be lerry if things were "great" again too fast. I'd wonder if the issues had really been dealt with, or if they were just simply swept under the rug becuse they were too hard to face.
seren Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 please some of you that have been thru. affairs and are trying to make the M. work, is there really a time where talking about the affair becomes a non-heated talk? I am not complaining, please don't reverse my words. dont know if to keep taking about it is a sign of things just going down hill rather then getting to a point where both of us can feel confortable taking about it. any openions are appreciated. Hi, we are a little over 4 years on from D Day and yes, we can talk about H's affair without it being heated or having meltdown. I never, ever thought we could without me feeling sick or without H breaking down. It is not so much the A we talk about, more about how things got to the point where we stopped communicating and how we ensure that we keep our eye on our marriage more and not take it and each other for granted. For sure I have times where it is all so sad that it happened and that it makes me wish we were where we are now without the A, by that I mean that we are happy, we have reconciled but I wish our marriage history didn't have an A as part of it's life. H finds it hard to talk about as he is very ashamed about what he did, I find it easier as I am more able to think that I cannot change it and that to look backwards and allow the negative to triumph would mean we could never move forward. I think it took around the 3 year mark where I had indifference toward it, it just became exhausting to keep going over the same ground, the anger wasn't helping either of us and I was just so tired of it all, but not H and not our marriage. So, it doesn't so much become normal, it's just that it becomes less of a focus, the focus is spent on our day to day life together, once we both knew that we had made the right decision to stay together and once we got our heads around it all we concentrated on what was ahead and our future. It is possible to move along and it takes as long as it takes. An A is so incredibly painful, we had an agreement that if we needed to talk about how we felt it would be in the present, once the back and forth anger stage was thankfully over, we were able to work on us more and how we both needed to change. I hope it all works out.
silktricks Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 (edited) Hi, we're 7+ years past the affair. It's no longer front and center in our life - but it is part of our history and who we now are. If something occurs which brings it up we can discuss it without pain or bitterness. There is no longer any heat, but a degree of sadness around that situation and the lead-up to it that has not left for either of us. That's not to say that we're sad much of the time, just that if the subject does arise it brings sorrow with it. It's much like thinking of any other sad subject, and then letting the old sorrow go and moving on with the here and now instead of the past. Like Seren, it's much more difficult for my husband to talk about it due to the additional shame he carries than it is for me. Edited November 8, 2011 by silktricks
MikeT4 Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 I think it does get easier, I don't think normal. My wife had an emotional affair about 5 years ago. She didn't want to talk about it because of the shame she felt and because I would get mad. But, now, we can talk about it some. I don't get mad because I've finally realized that she chose me and our family and I love her. She doesn't feel as much shame because I don't judge her and I tell her it was at least partially my fault. So, I think it becomes easier to talk about, but, never normal.
carhill Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 OP, are you in MC? I ask because MC can teach tools of *how* to discuss difficult subjects like infidelity, as well as other marital betrayals, in a healthy and positive manner. What is normal? For you, right now, what's in front of you is 'normal'. You make choices regarding how to approach it, deal with it, talk about it, accept it, move beyond it. Good luck
Author sweetlife Posted November 8, 2011 Author Posted November 8, 2011 [quote There comes a point where you must leave it behind, you cannot drive while looking backwards, at times you will, but you have to face forward and drive on if both of you want to make it work. Communication is key, but sometimes with a therapist and not directly with each other in the beginning. RF, just trying to see from a male point of view. reading a lot in this forums has help me but I have a question, if you are the BS, will you preffer that your wife leaves you, meaning make it easy for the BS to move on?
Author sweetlife Posted November 8, 2011 Author Posted November 8, 2011 It is possible to move along and it takes as long as it takes. An A is so incredibly painful, we had an agreement that if we needed to talk about how we felt it would be in the present, once the back and forth anger stage was thankfully over, we were able to work on us more and how we both needed to change. I hope it all works out. thanks to all. Seren, it is been a little over a year for us so it will still be a while before H. and me get to a better place. will you mind sharing how your H. react to this part: H finds it hard to talk about as he is very ashamed about what he did. H asked me why i could not stop doing it, didn't you think about me/our kids? answers has been given but it must have been the answer he did not want to hear. we both get so frustrated but I dont want to lie and say somthing that is not just to not hurt him more(i dont want to hide things that will later come out as a lie). it is very ashame but i have no better answer then "I was a bitch". This is so sad, that very often i have come to the conclusion that it will be better to give him the devorse so he can find someone that will not have cheat on him. ALL the pain i have cause him is terrible.
RickFox Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 [quote There comes a point where you must leave it behind, you cannot drive while looking backwards, at times you will, but you have to face forward and drive on if both of you want to make it work. Communication is key, but sometimes with a therapist and not directly with each other in the beginning. RF, just trying to see from a male point of view. reading a lot in this forums has help me but I have a question, if you are the BS, will you preffer that your wife leaves you, meaning make it easy for the BS to move on? I don't know, since I was the betrayer. If it was me who was the victim of the affair, I cannot say that I would actually still be around as my first knee jerk reaction is to get the F out of dodge. Im very surprised my wife didn't do that but each day that passes, I still half expect her to.
drifter777 Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 There comes a point where you must leave it behind, you cannot drive while looking backwards, at times you will, but you have to face forward and drive on if both of you want to make it work. Communication is key, but sometimes with a therapist and not directly with each other in the beginning. The "just get over it" defense - spoken like a true WS. As far as getting to the point where talking about the affair is "normal", it's not possible in my opinion. You may choose to simply avoid the subject, but this betrayal will continue to generate too many strong emotions to discuss in an offhand fashion. Ever.
seren Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Sweetlife, I remember that at the year past D Day point I, as the BS, still had a lot of the why? where? when? questions as my hurt and anger was still so very raw. I found it so hard to try to understand how my H could love me, yet have an A. The mind pictures were still playing out and I still had the constant questions and checking back to make sure there were no discrepancies. I asked and asked questions until I just got tired of asking the same thing over and over. While it exhausted me, it all but wiped H out, it often ended up with me being his support and not the other way around - which is not how I thought it should be. However, it was seeing his reaction and this was not just about guilt, and how he was trying so hard to make it right - which he couldn't, which got me to a place where I told myself enough, but this was after I knew I had it all, each terrible, awful truth. At times it almost felt that I was on a very destructive path, I wanted to know everything and when he told me I felt sick, but I was able to acknowledge that the telling of the truth was painful for him too. I am not of the, 'well he asked for it' brigade, I had too much time and love invested in my marriage and us to not try to make it work. I gave H the Letter to a Wayward Spouse for him to understand the need for the truth and he finally got it. The OW wasn't the issue, the breaking of trust was and that was the hardest mountain to climb, for us both. We both acknowledged our part in the problems in our marriage, not the A, I will take no responsibility for that. H found and finds it hard to accept that I too played a part in our problems, but that was one of the problems as he felt not good enough and I get that he felt that. For me, the looking back does no good, I don't minimise my hurt, nor do I wallow in it, we both acknowlegde that the A is a part of our marriage history, but we have far more good mostly bloody great history to make the A the defining of what makes us. To get stuck in the cycle of recrimination could and would have prevented us from moving forwards, each accepting what had happened and its effect on us. I have days, although they aren't so often where I look at H, who I love to distraction and think that I cannot believe that he is the same man who had an A and who acted so very differently from who I knew and know him to be. We are able to talk about it not so much normally, but without the anger and shouty stuff, more with sadness really. I know that if anything comes on television that talks about A's he goes quiet and I know he is feeling crap, I tell him that it isn't about us and I tell him that I love him, he asks if I have forgiven him and I can honestly say I have, but not forgotten. At times he needs hugs, at other I do, I am the Dragon Slayer in our marriage, probably because I have had more crap to deal with in my life. I suppose we are all different, you will see that from the responses here on LS, not all A's are for the same reasons or have the same dynamics and we all deal with stuff differently. Give it time, it is early days for your H, he will need time to get his head around it all. The end of the A is the beginning for the BS, so while the WS wants to move along, the BS is only just beginning. We didn't go the MC route, but it might work for you. I hope it works out.
RickFox Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 The "just get over it" defense - spoken like a true WS. As far as getting to the point where talking about the affair is "normal", it's not possible in my opinion. You may choose to simply avoid the subject, but this betrayal will continue to generate too many strong emotions to discuss in an offhand fashion. Ever. Who said anything about getting over it? How is that a defense, it's a statement, pure and simple. Nobody will ever get over it, it will always be there. It's not a defense at all, but you cannot heal if you keep picking at the scab, at some point you have to face forward. It will always be there, it's a part of the past, but that is it, the past, dwelling on it forever serves absolutely no purpose other than to destroy what is trying to be saved in the future.
despicableME Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 I don't know if you'd call it normalization. The only place where I've "vented" about IT is here and another forum I joined. It'll NEVER be normal to talk about such a thing- TOO TRAUMATIC. When discussing such a situation, there are too many emotions coming from both sides.
Sark Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Our conversations about it seem to be getting worse. We'll get on a run where I might say a few things and it turn out OK, but the last major fights we've had were talking about that, and I'm really expecting anymore fights like that to be the nail in the coffin. Unless the cheater takes responsibility and talks openly and honestly, it won't work. They absolutely cannot get defensive, and the person cheated on cannot take every cheap shot available.
LiveSpace Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 please some of you that have been thru. affairs and are trying to make the M. work, is there really a time where talking about the affair becomes a non-heated talk? I am not complaining, please don't reverse my words. dont know if to keep taking about it is a sign of things just going down hill rather then getting to a point where both of us can feel confortable taking about it. any openions are appreciated. Its never easy to talk about it especially if you had it happen to you.Talking about an affair after it has happened is alright only if the party that was cheated on decides to stay and only when details are wanted as to when, where, how etc.Thereafter I believe that it should be put in the past and both parties should never speak of it again only if it happens again.
reboot Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 I don't think it ever becomes "normal", but it can become non-confrontational at least.
road Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Normal no. Do able yes. The BS can't get mad when the WS answers their questions. Otherwise the WS shuts down learing that it does not pay to talk. Thing is a BS well never rest and will dwell on all of their unanswered questions forever, the next 30 years. For 10 years after their WS passes on those unanswered questions will still be causing the BS to find answers. So if the WS doesn't want their BS always looking in the rear view mirror, but straight ahead they will need to talk.
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