despicableME Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 (edited) Well... what can I say. I find myself on this board because of the things I have been a party to-- INFIDELITY... CHEATING... or whatever other name there is for decieving my SO. Like many here, there were problems in my marriage(not an excuse for my actions) that were an underlying factor for me straying. I worked closely with the woman I had an affair with and this only compounded my guilt over the whole sordid "affair." Our spouses knew each other given that we would often attend the same work related functions. This in itself has brought me more shame that anything else because of the callousness of our behaviour... I mean, what kind of person introduces his spouse to the very person he/she is having an illicit affair with. I admit this so-called "awareness" comes only aftert the fact. To make a long story short, I admitted my transgressions to my STBXW because WE(AP & I) were begininng to fall deeper into the emotional aspect of the relationship. As mentioned, my wife was not able to stay in the marriage for obvious reasons- her dignity and self-respect, as she put it, which I totally understand. In light of this revelation, my affair partner did not come clean to her husband and still wanted to maintain our relationship. I on the other hand, was not so willing to entertain our involvement within the confines of this deception. To say that I finally "seen the light" would be an understatement. I believe that my confession was sparked out of the shear revulsion of putting these two people(wife and AP) in the same room in certain social situations. As I stated earlier-- "WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THAT???" After these social functions ended, I would spend countless hours asking myself that very question. As time went on(the affair lasted more than a year), I realized that I wasn't "in love" with this person, but was lacking something within my marriage. I further realized that my affair partner could've been anyone, but since we were in close proximity to each other it was inevitable that we would somehow be crossing over into the realm of infidelity. I know I'm going to catch some flak for this, but I really believe these workplace affairs are pure fantasy... a fantasy conjured up by two selfish people having marital difficulties, who cannot find it within themselves to fix whatever problem was affecting their marriage with their own spouse. I know I'm not the only one who has "dabbled" in a workplace affair. The thing that bothers me the most is the fact that I "settled" for a person in close proximity to me... not that I would rather cheat outside the workplace- because cheating is WRONG no matter how you twist it- but to "run" to someone who I had a working relationship seems pathetic. I know that we spend a very significant time around our co-workers, colleagues, and business associates, and we sometimes divulge personal information just to "vent" a little, but this in itself is a boundery issue that I wish I had adhered to. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I wish I could've done it differently... I wish I could've gone to my wife and let her know we were "in trouble"... I wish I didn't just settle for the first person who was so readily available to empathyze with my plight. As I said earlier, I layed it all on the table for my betrayed wife to process and "let the chips fall where they may"... I owed her at least that-- some perverse form of HONESTY! In the end, I crapped out, but at least I let her know the TRUTH, even if it was too late. I just think we cheating spouses owe it to these people tell them the truth and let them decide the outcome. I could've been a REAL POS, and led my wife into believing a false reconciliation while maintaining this affair... how cruel would that be?-- a lying, cheating, no-good POS till the very end. Just a vent. Let the 2x4's fly... I deserve it (Funny thing is, I posted on OM/OW side and they were pretty apprehensive about it. I guess they only want to hear the "good stuff" that comes with cheating on someone... go figure. One of them even called it "support." Are you kidding me?) Edited November 7, 2011 by despicableME
whichwayisup Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 So your wife chose not to forgive you and give you a second chance. Some BS's do, some don't or can't, it's one strike and you're out. Painful lesson learned. You lost a wife who loved you, a life that you built with her, all for what? A year long affair with a MW who you didn't end up falling in love with after all and wouldn't come clean to her husband.. Do you and your wife have kids? If so, I hope you both put them first and do family counseling to help them through this tough time. I hope you go and do counselling, find out why you cheated on your wife, fix what's broken inside of you, so if you ever marry someone else, or be in a relationship you can have better communication skills.
PhoenixRise Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Here at LS you will find that on the OW/OM forum you will get a more welcoming reception if you are a MM who is posting that he is head over heels in love with the OW and you are pining way unable to get over her. On the Infidelity forum you will get a more welcoming reception if you are a remorseful wandering spouse. On both forums there will be people who rip you apart because you cheated. What exactly are you hoping to gain from posting here? Are you looking for advise or support?
Tea Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 just wanted to say that sometimes, knowing that we did wrong helps us grow in the future. unlike many of the cheaters and/or OW/OM, who justify their actions one way or another, you actually are not excusing your actions. You recognize that what you did was wrong and that you understand the repercussions. we can't change the past, but could certainly move towards the future with some clarity. Best.
Author despicableME Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 A year long affair with a MW who you didn't end up falling in love with Its not that I didn't fall in love with her, but more like I didn't let myself fall in love. I could've easily reciprocated her feeling for me, but I was rather conflicted. I wasn't looking to end-up with her... see what I mean. on the OW/OM forum you will get a more welcoming reception if you are a MM who is posting that he is head over heels in love with the OW and you are pining way unable to get over her. Yeah... I noticed that. I also noticed that there are waaaaaaaaay to many OW, and not nearly as many OM on that site. Its pretty one-sided. Women just want to hear the lovey-dovey(fantasy) aspect of an affair, without all the practicalities of it-- as we men tend to do. Contrary to what they(OW) believe, its not ALL wine and roses. What exactly are you hoping to gain from posting here? Are you looking for advise or support? I'm just here to vent. I guess I'm here to tell people what a BIG mistake I made. I decieved a good person, who didn't desreve the cards that were dealt to her by me.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Coming to terms with your mistakes hardly means you're ready to forgive yourself. And we at LS cannot give you that kind of absolution. If anything, you sound like you need to take a little vacation to rediscover what exactly it is you want in life. At this point, it's not even about getting your wife back or starting an affair again, more of a journey of self- discovery.
Author despicableME Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 And we at LS cannot give you that kind of absolution. I'm not looking for forgiveness or absolution here... no offense, but I wasn't looking for it from the forum either. If anything, forgiveness for my atrocious behave must come from those I personally betrayed-- my ex-wife, her family, my family, my AP's spouse.
Steen719 Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 I either heard on NPR or read somewhere that infidelity numbers are still greatest in the workplace, followed closely by social media (my XH's choice of method). Either way, it is easier than ever to cheat and your wife is a strong person for knowing what she wanted and did not want. My XH cheated many years ago with an Xgf (PA) and this time with an Xgf (EA, at least). He likes those ex's. I have divorced him this time, though we still live together until the house is sold (for financial reasons). Anyway.....he would like for me to remarry him; he is sorry, screwed up, did not love her (even though he told her he did and told me he was not in love with me). But, I still do not really know the whole story. So...your statement below As I said earlier, I layed it all on the table for my betrayed wife to process and "let the chips fall where they may"... I owed her at least that-- some perverse form of HONESTY! In the end, I crapped out, but at least I let her know the TRUTH, even if it was too late. I just think we cheating spouses owe it to these people tell them the truth and let them decide the outcome. I could've been a REAL POS, and led my wife into believing a false reconciliation while maintaining this affair... how cruel would that be?-- a lying, cheating, no-good POS till the very end. made me realize how important this is. You did not do the right thing by cheating and I guess you know that. I can't condone it. It is a horrible thing to do to someone who loves you and being betrayed by the one person who should have your back is life-altering. BUT, you did at least tell her all and she had the information she needed to make her decision. From someone who did not get that (and still has not), you at least gave her that. It is such a sad situation. If you have kids, it is even sadder. It seems it is just too late for you to make a difference in your marriage.
Author despicableME Posted November 8, 2011 Author Posted November 8, 2011 No kids here. I read an article that the workplace is a "melting pot" of infidelity. Men and women are thrown together in this environment and the result if more frightening than you might think. Like I said on another post, you engage these people on a regular basis so the line between plutonic friendships and feelings of "extreme" fondness begins to blur. This is only going to get worse as women are entering the public sphere(business, politics, commerce) in increasing numbers. Now... be sure I'm not putting blame on this phenomenon(women in the workforce)... I'm just pointing-out that both men and women are thrown in this mix together, so the temptation for infidelity increases.
Got it Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 I think the "phenomenon" that you call woman in the workplace has been happening for, gosh, 50 years or more. So not really looking to be a "new" thing. And women have been in the public sphere for equally the same amount of time. And what do you mean thrown together? Is there some preparation you felt lacking? Now in regards to where affairs happen, yes there are more in the workplace. The "setting" changes as the population changes. The crux of it doesn't change though. So the workplace is very common. So what? (not meaning to be crass) Having had an affair, having been a MOW, I don't believe affairs just happen. I know how it did, why it did, why I "picked" my AP, and every step of the way. I am sure you do too. So then what? What do you make of it? I respect your thoughts on your AP being anyone. I don't agree for myself as I was in an affair for him, not for an AP. But from your point of view, what have you learned, what will you do differently? What are you hoping to convey/teach here. Welcome.
Author despicableME Posted November 8, 2011 Author Posted November 8, 2011 (edited) I think the "phenomenon" that you call woman in the workplace has been happening for, gosh, 50 years or more. I disagree. Women started being integrated into the "public sphere"- to the extent it is now- after the 1960's.(mind you, I'm not forgetting "Rosie Riveter," but this is in a different context- the war effort) Remember, most women were still relegated to clerical work(menial tasks) at this time... positions that lacked prestige. Even throughout the 70's and 80's women were not considered on an equal playing field... again, not to the extent as it is today. It wasn't until 1992(The Year of the Woman) that woman were making their mark in the political and corporate world. This phenomenon transcended the social make-up of the work environment. Now we see women CEO's... we see women Speaker's of the House... we see women Sec. of State... etc. etc. Even though, statistically speaking, women are not making the same amount as men, they are on equal footing in terms of being able to attain these positions-- that in itself is the phenomenon I am referring to. The "setting" changes as the population changes. Very true. Having had an affair, having been a MOW, I don't believe affairs just happen. I know how it did, why it did, why I "picked" my AP, and every step of the way. I am sure you do too. So then what? What do you make of it? I respect your thoughts on your AP being anyone. I don't agree for myself as I was in an affair for him, not for an AP. But from your point of view, what have you learned, what will you do differently? What are you hoping to convey/teach here. I never said affairs "just happen." But unless you're demented, you don't go into work, or any other situation with the intent to cheat... do you? What I realized was that my bounderies were "all f@cked-up." There are bounderies that you shouldn't cross. Once those bounderies are crossed, the line begins to blur from just a healthy friendship with said person, into the realm of inappropriate behavior. Edited November 8, 2011 by despicableME
Spark1111 Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 I for one applaud your honesty and your introspection that has lead you to now realize how weak your boundaries were in the workplace. It is a painful lesson to learn and at the cost of your marriage too! You certainly can NOW realize the humiliation to your stbxW about having your AP introduced to her at work related events. Why did you do that? What was your motivation? Do you remember your thoughts and feelings at the time it happened? What did your AP say about it? We learned in therapy that the ONLY PROPER RESPONSE to someone of the opposite sex starting to vent about their marriage is to cut them off and say: "I know a good therapist. Would you like their card?" and then, change the subject! Now, that's enforcing a boundary. Also, notice how colleagues of the opposite sex at work are ALWAYS mentioning their spouses in a positive light? That's also enforcing the "I'm happily married" boundary so back off, please. Trust me on this. When the work conversation starts to turn to personal matters, I'd give it 4 minutes before the spouse's name is mentioned. Happens all the time.
Author despicableME Posted November 8, 2011 Author Posted November 8, 2011 Its just the TRUTH. I've always been pretty blunt on how I see things. Too bad I wasn't able to communicate that to my STBXW. Why did you do that? What was your motivation? Do you remember your thoughts and feelings at the time it happened? I'll be honest... I did it because it felt good. My ego was at an all time high. Here I have two(wife & AP) good-looking women paying attention and fawning over me. There was no initial motivation. The bounderies I'm speaking of were crossed and "it" took a life of its own, so-to-speak. I wasn't thinking at the time. You feel bad after the fact... when my wife would cuddle, or do something that endeared me to her, like make me a special dinner... or buy me a book that I had wanted to read, not knowing she knew about it. That's when you're conflicted. Also, notice how colleagues of the opposite sex at work are ALWAYS mentioning their spouses in a positive light? Exactly. All I hear in the workplace is how tired they are of their spouse's shortcomings... I did it myself... maybe in jest, but I did it nonetheless.
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