NicoleM Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 My boyfriend has a major flirting problem. He flirts with people online, He flirts with people at work he flirts with people at restaurants. It is like he needs his ego stroked all the time. He is faithful to me and freaks out when I hang out with other guys or happen to talk to another guy but he can flirt with girls online and flirt with them at restaurants but I can't. We have discussed it before his flirting problem but he always brushes it off like it isn't a big deal. I have never had a BF that has such a major flirtation problem. Has anyone even heard of this before?? It is almost like he is addicted to getting attention from the ladies. He always asks me do you love me am I good but then he goes around and flirts with people.
norajane Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 He has shown you that he has a double standard about flirting - he is allowed to flirt any time anywhere with anyone, but you must not. You have talked to him about this, and he has shown you that he refuses to change or even admit that it is a problem that you might legitimately be upset about. Therefore, it is up to you what you do next. He will not change, and will continue to flirt. You get to decide if you want that kind of bf or not. I'm sorry he's been hurting your feelings like this.
Author NicoleM Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 I like him very much I just do not like his behavior. I do not understand why he must always have his ego stroked. Is he that self-conscious or so full of himself he needs attention?? I know he cares about me but he just has a major addiction like he needs attention 24/7 from women. Like one day I stayed over at his place he cooked me dinner and we watched a movie and once again he was flirting with women even though I was giving him full attention. He craves attention it is almost mind boggling:eek:
ffw Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 My boyfriend has a major flirting problem. He flirts with people online, He flirts with people at work he flirts with people at restaurants. It is like he needs his ego stroked all the time. He is faithful to me and freaks out when I hang out with other guys or happen to talk to another guy but he can flirt with girls online and flirt with them at restaurants but I can't. We have discussed it before his flirting problem but he always brushes it off like it isn't a big deal. I have never had a BF that has such a major flirtation problem. Has anyone even heard of this before?? It is almost like he is addicted to getting attention from the ladies. He always asks me do you love me am I good but then he goes around and flirts with people. Sounds like an insecure person. How long you have been together? What do you think of this relationship in the long term? He's having double standards & doesn't want to come to common terms also.
norajane Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Insecurities, ego strokes, attention whore, commitment phobia, immaturity...probably a combination of all those things. What is his relationship with his mother like? Either distant or too close can lead to someone begging for attention like this.
ffw Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Insecurities, ego strokes, attention whore, commitment phobia, immaturity...probably a combination of all those things. Well use of the words...... What is his relationship with his mother like? Either distant or too close can lead to someone begging for attention like this. Not sure about the mother aspect. A guy can be a good son but a worthless bf.
norajane Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Not sure about the mother aspect. A guy can be a good son but a worthless bf. It isn't about him being a "good son" or not. It's about whether he felt he received enough attention as a child (distant or not available mother) or whether mom treated him as though he were a god who deserved every moment of her attention at all times whenever he wanted (inflating his sense of importance and place in the world). Either of those extremes could lead a guy to craving attention from women, and expecting it from women as though it were his due.
Author NicoleM Posted November 8, 2011 Author Posted November 8, 2011 (edited) I have been with him for 4 months now. He has major,major issues. One minute he is needy and needs attention and wants me to pay attention to him the next minute he disappears and won't call me for days. He is always seeking attention from someone either females online or his co-workers at work by flirting with them on facebook commenting on their pics,etc. I bring it up and he says oh it's nothing don't worry about it I love you. He never really talks about his mother but I know they get along from what I understand. Edited November 8, 2011 by NicoleM
ffw Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 I have been with him for 4 months now. He has major,major issues. One minute he is needy and needs attention and wants me to pay attention to him the next minute he disappears and won't call me for days. He is always seeking attention from someone either females online or his co-workers at work by flirting with them on facebook commenting on their pics,etc. I bring it up and he says oh it's nothing don't worry about it I love you. He never really talks about his mother but I know they get along from what I understand. Even during honeymoon phase, he's flirting with other girls. I am not going to say what to do. But, you can get a hint what the future is going to bring. If he' not satisfied with your attention during the early phase, then I am afraid its not going to get better. What you are thinking to do next? Maybe, change it for good or leave it might work.
Author NicoleM Posted November 8, 2011 Author Posted November 8, 2011 Good point. It's like one minute I obsess and think why is he doing this if he loves me so much the next I'm like whatever he's a jerk. Clearly he has issues. Its almost like he suffers from the Tiger woods syndrome. Tiger loved his wife but at the same time he was sneaking around and hooking up with random girls. My boyfriend can be super sweet one minute and a jerk who flirts with women and pretends I don't exist for days and days and the next he is wigging out because I don't answer my phone because I'm at work or out with my sister. It is enough to give you headache lol
Mallow Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 If he's insecure no amount of attention will ever be enough to fill his needs. If he can't respect you or your relationship,let him go. You're in the early stages, as mentioned above. What happens when you get comftorable and there is less passion? Will he get bored and seek out more reassurance from different women? Talk with him about his actions, if you feel there is no improvement, id cut this one loose.
Space Ritual Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 I'd say if your Boyfriend has this flirting problem, he should probably have an Ex Girlfriend Problem very soon...as in dump him! What you have here is someone who always needs outside validation. what that means is that you will never be enough for him, even if he tells you that you are. He has a boundary issue so I would suggest you flush him like a turd, or you will regret it....
make me believe Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 My boyfriend can be super sweet one minute and a jerk who flirts with women and pretends I don't exist for days and days and the next he is wigging out because I don't answer my phone because I'm at work or out with my sister. It is enough to give you headache lol Nobody who loves you would treat you like this. I'm sure he tells you all of the time that he loves you and I'm sure he's great at saying sweet things to make you forgive him after he's disappeared for days at a time doing who knows what with these other girls. But his actions don't match his words, and THAT is what matters. I mean really, he can flirt with other women right in front of you and then not speak to you for a few days, but all he has to do to get back in your good graces is say a few sweet words and maybe cook your dinner?? You must have a very low opinion of yourself, or be extremely needy for male attention to allow him to treat you like that. Oh, and when he freaks out when you talk to other guys or he can't get a hold of you? That's most likely because he is cheating on you and projecting his guilt onto you. It's CLASSIC cheater behavior.
Quiet Storm Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 This is why cheating is so often about the cheater, and not the status of the relationship. He is like a bucket with a hole in the bottom, no matter how much you put in, it will never fill him up. It doesn't really matter why he has these issues. What matters is that he does have these issues, and you deserve better.
Hote204 Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 Well i would like to offer you some very real advice here...i have lived this nightmare for 3 YEARS! I, like you, turned to websites for advice, got it and ignored it but here is my story and it might help you make a WISE decision. My ex, like your boyf, was this man. He openly admitted that he needed attention off women to feel "wanted". Wait until you get the pleasure of seeing the FB inbox rather than what is posted on walls...its not good. He would email women 15 years older than him and 15 years younger. People he had never met and people he worked with. They would text him at 2am asking if he was out because they were "horny", telling about sex dreams they had. Married women were messaging him and they were talking about getting naked with him. You name it, i have had it. I was also told "its innocent, they are friends" and "i dont mean anything by it, its banter". The more you dwell on it, the more you hang on to them thinking "one day it will stop, he will grow up". It doesnt, they just get more sneaky. I split with my ex for this reason and he broke down. Lost weight, cried, begged me back for 3 months. I thought he MUST really be sorry and wont do it again. Ta-da, 11 months after we are broken up again. He was sending FB messages to married women, again about being naked and asking years 12 years his senior to put up racy bikini pics. All of these girls live in our village. Once again, its me, i have a seedy mind and he doesnt mean anything. And in this time, i have been mind screwed. You will wonder all the time what he is doing and you will feel like crap. I promise you. It does things to your mind that you should never have to witness. I used to have girls coming to our house, would see me on the sofa and drive off. I didnt hear that he cheated on me, but hey, i know its coming. This does not get better, it ruins you. Leave...it will be the best thing you ever did.
Author NicoleM Posted November 16, 2011 Author Posted November 16, 2011 That sounds like my bf. I wonder why men do things like this?? They say they love you but yet they are picking up girls on facebook and sending sexy texts. It is disgusting and the sad part is the girls my BF flirts with are not attractive by any means they are usually lonely and need someone to talk to.
ashton69 Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 I used to be like this guy so let me clear the air a bit. I flirted for a LOT of reasons. Mainly to 1. get attention 2. reassure myself that i was still attractive and pleasant to talk to since i was also very insecure and 3. cause i was a man whore and banged everything that moved so flirting just came natural to me. Talking to someone of the opposite sex just to talk was unheard of in my life. Idk what to tell you cause i do not know you or your partner but what i can do is share my reasonings and hopefully that can allow you to come to some understanding of why he is the way he is... a sleaze ball.
betterdeal Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 Doesn't sound like he has a problem with flirting to me. He likes to flirt and he gets to flirt. Nope, nothing about that is a problem for him, is it? You have a problem with him flirting. That's a different (but no less significant) issue. If you've told him this and he refuses to modify his behaviour, denies his behaviour or just doesn't get it (how it offends you) then your choices are to accept him as he is, or change your life so that it is better for you, such as becoming a great big flirt yourself, or ending the relationship. You have the right to make yourself happier. Exercise it.
Hote204 Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 Hun honestly, its not a good state of affairs to be in. I honestly do know how you feel. Mine was a bit more selective, they had to have some attractive quality like: 1. he had slept with them 2. they had a good rack 3. they looked slutty My ex was a different breed, he wrote a list of the women he had slept with and added my name to it. The list was over 70 lets put it that way. Dont do it to yourself. Everytime his phone goes off you will get that feeling of wondering who it is. They wont ever get better, mine never did. In the face of emotional breakdown, he got better and.....carried on. I looked at it this way. My ex was a very handsome guy and chicks loved him. I liked that they loved him but him behaving like this was never going to be good for me. It made me insecure, unstable and angry, living on my nerves. Somewhere in the world, there is a man for me that wouldnt do that to me over and over again. And somewhere in the world, there is a girl for him that doesnt mind this behaviour because they will do it too. They will get together and he will find out what she has been doing...and he will be heart broken. Karma in a nutshell. He openly said he would hate it if he saw me sending messages like he did. Doing it back doesnt work, i tried and it made me feel slutty as i cannot lead people on and when i am with someone, my heart is tied to them and i cannot be dis-loyal. Are you that sort of person? People say "do it back". Why? Is that how you would normally act? I doubt it, you sound pretty level headed to me. Seriously think this through, if i had my time again, i would have left 21/2 years earlier.
Author NicoleM Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 I caught him red-handed today. He was on FB and said see you Friday and he totally lied about what he was doing Friday. We were supposed to hang out Friday and he said I can't I have to take my little sister to see a movie. What a freaking liar! He lied about the movie and everything. I am so beyond upset right now. I knew he had a flirting problem but never ever in my right mind would I think he would cheat on me. I am beyond disgusted.....
freestyle Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 I caught him red-handed today. He was on FB and said see you Friday and he totally lied about what he was doing Friday. We were supposed to hang out Friday and he said I can't I have to take my little sister to see a movie. What a freaking liar! He lied about the movie and everything. I am so beyond upset right now. I knew he had a flirting problem but never ever in my right mind would I think he would cheat on me. I am beyond disgusted..... Did you confront him about this already?
Author NicoleM Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 Sorta..... It was a good form of trickery on my part. I happened to be reading and I peeked up from my book and saw he was on facebook and writing a message he didn't know I was watching but later on I said why are you always on facebook are you picking up women?? He got very defensive and said no and I said that better be the case and left it at that because I had to go to work.I am not speaking to him today at all because I am so livid with him.
norajane Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 Why aren't you dumping him? What more do you need? Are you waiting for him to give you an STD before you dump him?
Author NicoleM Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 It could be innocent it could not. It is the unknown and that is what bothers me the most. On his Match profile it says looking for friends but it also says dating which is another catch 22. He flirts with women alot but do I think he would hook up with them?? I don't know...... He says we are monogamous and I pray he stays that way but why is he talking to other women?? He really doesn't have many friends besides is neighbor and his Aunt and Uncle which I guess doesn't count because they are his blood relatives. Maybe it is possible he is just looking for friends on Match, Craigslist,etc but on the same hand why get defensive when I simply ask why is he flirting with people on facebook if it is supposedly casual. I want to keep giving him chances but his chances have run out and it doesn't help he has a alcohol and drug problem so I can't leave him. I am in quite a jam:confused:
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