Situation analysis...

[Bobby289]

Soooo I need some honest non-bias opinions. I'll make this as "short" as I can.

 

Together 2 years, we are 24, both very stubborn and sarcastic. After a year my insecurities came out when I fully let her, as did her controlling trait. I would take offence to her always trying to tell me what to do and get pissy is I didn't. She would get mad over my jealousy and social anxiety. Around the year mark we realized we need to stop letting every petty thing come between us. Alone we were amazing and had the best time but in public we were the worst couple to be around. She started to get stress from school, work, and family and I became her outlet and said we should take a few weeks apart to clear the air. I didn't think it was right at the time and said we need to try and help each other. Things got back to normal both very happy then I started to have issues with work and school and would use her as an outlet( get mad over everything and didn't show trust) and crutch. She said she could not take the stress anymore and broke up with me as it gives her severe anxiety. We had conversations every night and reflected with eachother on anything and everything, she was my best friend and someone who truly understood the person I am inside. After the break up I spent a few weeks trying to hang on and begged then contact would be every few days until she began to ignore me so I went NC. A week later a call apologizing for ignoring me (too hard for her to talk to me) and asking how I was doing, nice 30 min talk and to talk to her when I was ready. That night she asked for a ride home from a bar and I was upset she would go out after that talk. So I asked to talk to her the next day about everything and she had work, then plans, then the next day I got a maybe but then something came up, yada yada... I took the hint and just said eff it I was tired of trying for nothing back. Maybe it was because she is trying to avoid the feeling like she says or just giving me the run around. So I sent an email saying I was tired of trying and being treated like a stranger and left it up to her, got a response just saying how she is just having a hard time with her life right now and just wants space to void all the anxiety. I replied to that with a long letter saying I realized my fault and have been working on myself, know the pain I caused and hope to get a chance to talk when she is ready and not going to pressure her and I was not going to initiate contact anymore as I only bring stress and anxiety when I do. Either way I started to see a therapist the week after the BU to help me with my issues, I know I made mistakes and did damage. I am making all the steps in the right direction to not be the person who was controlled by my emotions before. I reflect everyday and learned a lot.

 

Now: 1.5 months post BU, 12 days NC. I miss her, mainly wishing I would have seen a therapist when I first showed my issues. I have been in love and had other serious relationships but never had anyone with the same spark and connection we did. I just hope she is working on her control issues she knows she has instead of brushing them off as she has in the past. It was both our faults and she knows that, she knows I have been doing my all to face my demons inside. I want her to be happy no matter what, with or without me. NC should help her figure things out for herself and let the emotions settle so we can actually talk one of these days, if she allows it.

 

Not really looking for an answer just some views on my situation.

Edited November 7, 2011 by Bobby289

[ChelseaLS]

Soooo I need some honest non-bias opinions. I'll make this as "short" as I can.

 

Together 2 years, we are 24, both very stubborn and sarcastic. After a year my insecurities came out when I fully let her, as did her controlling trait. I would take offence to her always trying to tell me what to do and get pissy is I didn't. She would get mad over my jealousy and social anxiety. Around the year mark we realized we need to stop letting every petty thing come between us. Alone we were amazing and had the best time but in public we were the worst couple to be around. She started to get stress from school, work, and family and I became her outlet and said we should take a few weeks apart to clear the air. I didn't think it was right at the time and said we need to try and help each other. Things got back to normal both very happy then I started to have issues with work and school and would use her as an outlet( get mad over everything and didn't show trust) and crutch. She said she could not take the stress anymore and broke up with me as it gives her severe anxiety. We had conversations every night and reflected with eachother on anything and everything, she was my best friend and someone who truly understood the person I am inside. After the break up I spent a few weeks trying to hang on and begged then contact would be every few days until she began to ignore me so I went NC. A week later a call apologizing for ignoring me (too hard for her to talk to me) and asking how I was doing, nice 30 min talk and to talk to her when I was ready. That night she asked for a ride home from a bar and I was upset she would go out after that talk. So I asked to talk to her the next day about everything and she had work, then plans, then the next day I got a maybe but then something came up, yada yada... I took the hint and just said eff it I was tired of trying for nothing back. Maybe it was because she is trying to avoid the feeling like she says or just giving me the run around. So I sent an email saying I was tired of trying and being treated like a stranger and left it up to her, got a response just saying how she is just having a hard time with her life right now and just wants space to void all the anxiety. I replied to that with a long letter saying I realized my fault and have been working on myself, know the pain I caused and hope to get a chance to talk when she is ready and not going to pressure her and I was not going to initiate contact anymore as I only bring stress and anxiety when I do. Either way I started to see a therapist the week after the BU to help me with my issues, I know I made mistakes and did damage. I am making all the steps in the right direction to not be the person who was controlled by my emotions before. I reflect everyday and learned a lot.

 

Now: 1.5 months post BU, 12 days NC. I miss her, mainly wishing I would have seen a therapist when I first showed my issues. I have been in love and had other serious relationships but never had anyone with the same spark and connection we did. I just hope she is working on her control issues she knows she has instead of brushing them off as she has in the past. It was both our faults and she knows that, she knows I have been doing my all to face my demons inside. I want her to be happy no matter what, with or without me. NC should help her figure things out for herself and let the emotions settle so we can actually talk one of these days, if she allows it.

 

Not really looking for an answer just some views on my situation.

 

 

Well first step is to work on yourself, grow, learn and gain strength, so you are on the right path for you... but you can't force her to deal with her issues.

I am not sure you had anything to be upset about the night she went to the bar after your talk (thats just my opinion).

I too wish I had done the right steps BEFORE the break up, but perhaps the break up / time apart is for the best end result. So we both need to stop wishing we had done these things before that brutal day of breaking up.

I think you're on the right path. Kudo's to you for making the necessary changes.

[blacktambourine]

It sounds like you're doing the right thing by yourself. Better later than never. I think seeing a therapist is a great idea, and I'm considering the same for myself. It's also sort of helpful in a way for me to hear about your situation and notice the few similarities that exist in the both of ours. I've begged in all ways imaginable to speak to him, and I've gotten nothing in return. My ex won't talk to me at all. From what I understand, he feels it will make things "harder." It's still so new to me, so I just see it as him being hurtful and cruel. It makes no sense to me why two people who spent so much time together should cut off all contact. I've told him I'm open to being friends, but he "can't handle that."

 

People deal with things differently, and it sounds like you two have a lot going on in your personal lives. My ex, for example, prefers to deal with his anxiety on his own, while I, on the other hand, would prefer to reach out. Hence my being here. I'm not so good at dealing with things on my own yet. I hope to be, and maybe one day I will and I'll have him to thank in some messed up way for being so non responsive.

 

Anyway, I hope the two of you find yourselves in good places individually, and if that connection you swear by was true, I'm sure you two will be able to work at it again and be stronger for it. Just keep focusing on you, my friend, and whatever is meant to happen will happen when the timing is right. Good luck.

[Bobby289]

Yeah thanks, I wasn't mad just kind of taken back at 2am. Thats the hard part, hoping she works on herself as I have NC. I trust the person she is to take the right steps but just makes it that much harder on me. I am trying because I don't want this to happen again, if with her or someone else down the line.

[Bobby289]

It sounds like you're doing the right thing by yourself. Better later than never. I think seeing a therapist is a great idea, and I'm considering the same for myself. It's also sort of helpful in a way for me to hear about your situation and notice the few similarities that exist in the both of ours. I've begged in all ways imaginable to speak to him, and I've gotten nothing in return. My ex won't talk to me at all. From what I understand, he feels it will make things "harder." It's still so new to me, so I just see it as him being hurtful and cruel. It makes no sense to me why two people who spent so much time together should cut off all contact. I've told him I'm open to being friends, but he "can't handle that."

 

People deal with things differently, and it sounds like you two have a lot going on in your personal lives. My ex, for example, prefers to deal with his anxiety on his own, while I, on the other hand, would prefer to reach out. Hence my being here. I'm not so good at dealing with things on my own yet. I hope to be, and maybe one day I will and I'll have him to thank in some messed up way for being so non responsive.

 

Anyway, I hope the two of you find yourselves in good places individually, and if that connection you swear by was true, I'm sure you two will be able to work at it again and be stronger for it. Just keep focusing on you, my friend, and whatever is meant to happen will happen when the timing is right. Good luck.

 

Agreed, people all deal differently. This site is great for perspective, and to know you are not the only one in a similar position. I hope so too, we'll see.

[Bobby289]

Any other takers?