thepedestrian Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 First time poster here... recent heartbreak brought me here. I was seeing a girl for six months almost two years ago and then I broke things off. I was younger than her and it was a little too serious for me at the time. I (21) her (28). Anyways, we decide to be friends and she basically is my best friend for the next year (but we're not romantically involved anymore... still do lots of things togethor)... but its obvious to both of us we have strong feelings for eachother. Anyways, at this point I leave for Australia for a few months and when I get back I start to have very strong feelings for her but I cannot figure out what to do. I dont want to break her heart again because I care so much about her. Anyways, we start to hang out less and she starts to hang out with different people. I thought this was a good test to make sure that I wasn't still trying to be with her because I had no one to fill the void with. I even dated a couple other girls for just a little bit but I was always comparing them to her and I just dont have close to as much in common with the few girls I saw. I started to know I wanted to be back with her but still wasn't sure. 5 months later we're still friends and I decide that I want to rekindle things with her and start to talk to her about it but shes seeing somebody else now. I basically still tell her exactly how I feel about her because its been making me sick to my stomach and I wanted to see if she had any feelings for me anymore... hoping she would either leave him for me (I know this sounds like an ******* thought) or that I could get some closure (definitely less ideal ) Anyways, she tells me if she wasn't with him we could be together but she doesn't know where this current relationship is going to go... when I asked her if we could ever be togethor she basically said she doesn't know what the future holds.... I just realized that I probably lost my chance at being with the girl of my dreams here.... thoughts?
ChelseaLS Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 First time poster here... recent heartbreak brought me here. I was seeing a girl for six months almost two years ago and then I broke things off. I was younger than her and it was a little too serious for me at the time. I (21) her (28). Anyways, we decide to be friends and she basically is my best friend for the next year (but we're not romantically involved anymore... still do lots of things togethor)... but its obvious to both of us we have strong feelings for eachother. Anyways, at this point I leave for Australia for a few months and when I get back I start to have very strong feelings for her but I cannot figure out what to do. I dont want to break her heart again because I care so much about her. Anyways, we start to hang out less and she starts to hang out with different people. I thought this was a good test to make sure that I wasn't still trying to be with her because I had no one to fill the void with. I even dated a couple other girls for just a little bit but I was always comparing them to her and I just dont have close to as much in common with the few girls I saw. I started to know I wanted to be back with her but still wasn't sure. 5 months later we're still friends and I decide that I want to rekindle things with her and start to talk to her about it but shes seeing somebody else now. I basically still tell her exactly how I feel about her because its been making me sick to my stomach and I wanted to see if she had any feelings for me anymore... hoping she would either leave him for me (I know this sounds like an ******* thought) or that I could get some closure (definitely less ideal ) Anyways, she tells me if she wasn't with him we could be together but she doesn't know where this current relationship is going to go... when I asked her if we could ever be togethor she basically said she doesn't know what the future holds.... I just realized that I probably lost my chance at being with the girl of my dreams here.... thoughts? That is the risk you take when you let someone go. It's what I told my ex while we are on this "break", I am not going to wait (lets be honest though I would take him back in a second). You laid out your feelings for her and now the ball is in her court. Anything could happen, but don't hold out hope. Focus on you and moving forward. Backwards is not an option.
Author thepedestrian Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 One of the things I asked her was if she would be with me if she wasn't with him and she said yes. One thing one of my best friends told me today was "You deserve better, why would you want to be someones second choice? You shouldn't stand for that" Helped me out a lot today. Edit:Also thanks for the reply ChelseaLS
lymtal1 Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 thepedestrian, this one is easy in theory. ChelseaLS is perfectly correct. and in actuality you got a great answer from your ex. she told you what you needed to hear. she would not discount being with you if she was not with him. here is what i know. relationships end all the time. that is why we are all here in this forum. why don't you focus your life on making yours the best it can be. if she does not work out with him, you may have a shot. but here is the kicker. don't wait around for that to happen. i am also on a "break". yea right. they don't really exist. i am living my life and moving on. if someone comes along and i am in a good place i will be ready to start something up. i am not going to put my life on hold in an attempt to hope she comes back. you should not put yours on hold either. if they don't work out and she finds you great, you have no idea what the future holds. none of us do. do for you, go date, meet people, live your life and who knows, she may show up on your doorstep and you may have a shot. also may not happen. interestingly enough my best mate who has been helping me get through this has taken an approach with me. he got tired of seeing me pinning away, being miserable and hoping that she will come back. he tried the she was not good for you, just look how she treated you, you need to forget her and etc. now he is telling me, do what you have to do to live your life for you and down the road if she comes back worry about that then. she is gone now but you never know. that is my now approach and i am feeling better. try it and see how you feel. agree don't be a second choice. go no contact and move on. it is best way to heal. if she wants to find you she will do whatever it takes to do that. she will tell you the things you need to hear and you will know that things are right. let her go now and enjoy your life, you are too young not too. go have fun and grow.
Author thepedestrian Posted November 8, 2011 Author Posted November 8, 2011 Thanks for the reply. It helps reading that. The only thing I wish I knew was if when she said "If I'm not with him I would say yes[to going out with you]" and "If things don't work out with him we can try again" I wonder more if those are things she said to let me down easier vs things she actually meant. I mean would most people say these things to their ex if they where with someone the truly loved? Unless they didn't want to hurt their ex. I will still probably see her around once a week just from bumping into her so it will be hard to go no contact but I think light contact will work. No texting, calling though from me... just when I see her in person I will try to act normal. I'd still like to be friends as would she. Edit: Is this a bad idea? Should I go out of my way to avoid her?
ChelseaLS Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 Thanks for the reply. It helps reading that. The only thing I wish I knew was if when she said "If I'm not with him I would say yes[to going out with you]" and "If things don't work out with him we can try again" I wonder more if those are things she said to let me down easier vs things she actually meant. I mean would most people say these things to their ex if they where with someone the truly loved? Unless they didn't want to hurt their ex. I will still probably see her around once a week just from bumping into her so it will be hard to go no contact but I think light contact will work. No texting, calling though from me... just when I see her in person I will try to act normal. I'd still like to be friends as would she. Edit: Is this a bad idea? Should I go out of my way to avoid her? I personally would not say "maybe" to my ex if the shoe was on the other foot, but I am not everyone else. I didn't go NC, I went LC (mainly because we work together), but also "out of sight, out of mind". But I feel I am strong enough to go LC and see him an easy 5 out of 7 days a week and still be able to move forward. I don't text, call, e-mail him. I try to do it all face to face at work if I have to see him. Good Luck!
josem Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 You have a great decision for making her not to be confused to hang with you,even if you have a bad memories with her, that's step that you have been, is one of the sign of being matured,keep growing up!
Author thepedestrian Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 Josem, I dont understand exactly what you're trying to say. Sorry... can you clarify? By the way, I don't have a single bad memory from us dating. (She doesn't either) We honestly had a fantastic relationship that ended just due to my 'inexperience and not knowing what I wanted'. Some of life's best lessons are learned too late.
Author thepedestrian Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 I just need to write something somewhere to hopefully keep me sanity. Why the hell didn't my ex-girlfriend find loveshack when we first broke up? I probably would have gotten back together with her if she implemented no contact. Who knows though we might still not be together on this day. Mornings suck. Trying to get back to eating better but my stomach is in a knot. Sucks. I will get over her eventually and I will learn from what happened. I already have. I shouldn't rip myself apart over something I no longer have control over. She has to do what is right for herself and I might not necessarily be the best option. I was friends with her since she started dating this guy without problems... its only a problem now that I know she is over me. (Not sure if she is but have to assume to keep moving forward; if another day comes for us it comes). Why do things need to be any different now - I laid myself on the line and put the ball in her court. There is nothing I could have changed. f I got back with her a year ago I wouldn't have been sure if it was what I really wanted. I did what I had to and its a shame it didn't work out.
ChelseaLS Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 I just need to write something somewhere to hopefully keep me sanity. Why the hell didn't my ex-girlfriend find loveshack when we first broke up? I probably would have gotten back together with her if she implemented no contact. Who knows though we might still not be together on this day. Mornings suck. Trying to get back to eating better but my stomach is in a knot. Sucks. I will get over her eventually and I will learn from what happened. I already have. I shouldn't rip myself apart over something I no longer have control over. She has to do what is right for herself and I might not necessarily be the best option. I was friends with her since she started dating this guy without problems... its only a problem now that I know she is over me. (Not sure if she is but have to assume to keep moving forward; if another day comes for us it comes). Why do things need to be any different now - I laid myself on the line and put the ball in her court. There is nothing I could have changed. f I got back with her a year ago I wouldn't have been sure if it was what I really wanted. I did what I had to and its a shame it didn't work out. See deep down you know the answers, but facing truths are so very hard. And you're correct you cannot go backwards, only forwards. So we have no option other then to deal with the pain and the risk and all the fun emotions that come along with it. Taking the risk to love someone shows you are a creature of courage, and that is something to be proud of. Many people don't take that risk because they fear the pain. But how will anyone ever really know love until it's been lost? That is not to say you cannot ever get it back, but it may not be with that original person. Each bump, each relationship is one learned, and we figure out what we want and what we don't want. We learn what we are willing to put up with, and what we won't. It also teaches us (or should.. some people refuse to acknowledge) that relationships are not fairy tales. They are like any other type of relationship, friendship, business, family etc... they all take work and all have their ups and downs.
Author thepedestrian Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 Ugh, I'm most likely going to see her tonight. You know I kind of think I should get her to clarify what she meant by she wants to see where her current relationship goes and what she meant by she still has feelings for me. I feel like this is a huge hurdle for me!!!! In the back of my mind there is this feeling that she wants to get back together if this guy isn't for her... and I'd love that!! But what if she is lying to me? Then I need to destroy that thought so it would help me move on. My end goal though would be to be back with her ideally... so what do I do? So depressed right now.
ChelseaLS Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Ugh, I'm most likely going to see her tonight. You know I kind of think I should get her to clarify what she meant by she wants to see where her current relationship goes and what she meant by she still has feelings for me. I feel like this is a huge hurdle for me!!!! In the back of my mind there is this feeling that she wants to get back together if this guy isn't for her... and I'd love that!! But what if she is lying to me? Then I need to destroy that thought so it would help me move on. My end goal though would be to be back with her ideally... so what do I do? So depressed right now. Don't ask her. Let it be. Let there be space. My ex and well as from my reading has told me (and really it is common sense), that it just pushes them further when you pester them for answers. Be confident, calm and cool. If you need to take a break because the emotions are coming up, head off to the bathroom or outside for a breather and remind yourself you can do this and that the best thing to do is give her space, let her miss you. You can do it!
Author thepedestrian Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 Ok thanks for the advice Chelsea, I won't ask her. She texted me today; it was about something that happened on the weekend. Friendly banter only and I didn't text her back.
Author thepedestrian Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 Ugh, I ended up texting her back, she texted me back again and I texted her back. We saw eachother later and talked about it. (We never talked about our relationship at all just other things) I won't see her for a few days but I'm really starting to think I clarify how I really feel about her and make sure she absolutely knows. I think some of the doubt in her mind is her fear of me dumping her again and then she'd be with no one. We'll see if she contacts me though this weekend. UGH!! This is not the type of girl that will just start talking to me about her feelings. It doesn't mean she doesn't have any, she just literally doesn't talk about them to anyone.
Author thepedestrian Posted November 11, 2011 Author Posted November 11, 2011 Ugh, this girl left this door for me in her life slightly opened when she said if It didn't work out with her current man maybe something could happen between us. It makes me want to keep a strong friendship with her so just in case it doesn't work out I'd be there and have my second chance. Stupid.... I know!!
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