Jam3s Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Hi all, Been dating this girl about 6 weeks now and it has been going well. The biggest issue is her insecurity about her weight and as a result she feels she is not good enough for me or that I could do better. Now I try to reassure her as much as I can but she just gets frustrated to the point where she convinces herself I am lying when I say I only want her and that I am very attracted to her and there is no such things as "better" since what she has in her personality, humour, aspirations, appearance and so forth gels so well as a whole with me and we get along so well. A couple of times she has created hypothetical scenarios almost in an attempt to try to push me away, for example "would you like me if I was 240 pounds?" which is not going to happen (she is 170 and losing about 2 a week) but she just hunts for anything which she can use to confirm her insecurities. Tonight she did the same, we were texting and it was all happy and playful until out of the blue "Argh I hate mirrors, I am so fkn fat". To which I replied with "you're beautiful and your hard work will help you with feeling more comfortable with your body". Anyway she didn't like that and replied with the dreaded "k" and I have not heard back since. Any suggestions on how I can help her with this? At the end of the day I think all I can do is try to reassure her but it does take a toll on me as well when she just puts herself down so much and then throws me in a corner which no matter what I say I can't get out of.
Feelin Frisky Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 It's an awful thing to have to battle wight issues and I'm very sympathetic to her but nothing you've said seems flawed in any way. You've tried to be supportive tactfully--usually that should work. If she can't take affection at face value, she needs to slow down and have a very serious heart to heart. If she admits to the realization that she is creating a problem that doesn't exist, then she can get help to overcome that. But if she gets defensive, contentious and tends to blame you or others, she has a complex you may not be able to work out. Losing you might have to be part of what it takes to get her to realize that she has more than a weight problem.
Author Jam3s Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 unfortunately it stems from an abusive relationship in the past where her ex would both verbally and physically abuse her and relate a lot of it to her weight. I believe her fear is that I will do the same and so she is almost trying to get a rise out of me so she can feel secure about not having to face that again. It's difficult, when she is not feeling insecure it really is amazing how well we get on, I won't give up on her, I will try to help the best I can but of course eventually there will be a breaking point if she can't make some kind of inroads into her insecurity. Cheers for the reply!
MaxNoob Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 "Argh I hate mirrors, I am so fkn fat". To which I replied with "you're beautiful and your hard work will help you with feeling more comfortable with your body". She's putting herself down so she can get compliments from you, which she desperately craves. You give her that positive reinforcement every time she puts herself down, which conditions her to continue doing that. Compliment her at random times during the day, not when she's fishing for them, so as to discourage that behavior. Next time she mentions how fat she is, just say "I like big butts and I cannot lie."
YaOldBuckaroo Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Hey Jame3s Looks like she has some serious issues with her weight. It's possible that a series of bad experiences has to the development of her insecurity, and not trusting men in general. Maybe you could try getting her to open up, so the both of you could tackle the issues together, and move on to a healthier relationship?
Author Jam3s Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 She's putting herself down so she can get compliments from you, which she desperately craves. You give her that positive reinforcement every time she puts herself down, which conditions her to continue doing that. Compliment her at random times during the day, not when she's fishing for them, so as to discourage that behavior. Next time she mentions how fat she is, just say "I like big butts and I cannot lie." Whilst I agree her seeking for compliments to help with her self esteem is probable I don't think she willingly seeks out to feel crap about herself to achieve that. I do compliment her at random times quite a lot and I have more or less shut up shop now when she is feeling insecure, i'll offer some support but I won't harp on about it and give her some time to calm down. Hey Jame3s Looks like she has some serious issues with her weight. It's possible that a series of bad experiences has to the development of her insecurity, and not trusting men in general. Maybe you could try getting her to open up, so the both of you could tackle the issues together, and move on to a healthier relationship? She has opened up to me quite a bit with her past and explained how it has affected her. She has made no secrets about the fact her issues make her hard to form a relationship but I feel once we can get through this initial phase where she feels she is not good enough and she can have the confidence that what we have is genuine and that I DO only want her then we can make good progress and move forward. Thanks for the advice guys and gals, appreciate it.
Emilia Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 unfortunately it stems from an abusive relationship in the past where her ex would both verbally and physically abuse her and relate a lot of it to her weight. I believe her fear is that I will do the same and so she is almost trying to get a rise out of me so she can feel secure about not having to face that again. It's difficult, when she is not feeling insecure it really is amazing how well we get on, I won't give up on her, I will try to help the best I can but of course eventually there will be a breaking point if she can't make some kind of inroads into her insecurity. Cheers for the reply! People that stayed with an abusive partner in the past often have insecurities and low self-esteem that goes way beyond weight issues. Once her weight is 'fixed' she might find something else to focus on, there is always the chance that her low self-esteem will keep coming between you two. Hopefully you can work it out
Author Jam3s Posted November 16, 2011 Author Posted November 16, 2011 Thanks for the reply. Things have been going pretty well but again today she went back to having major insecurity. We had been chatting for a few hours and sharing videos of random things and I showed her one of me simply playing golf but as soon as she saw it she went awkward and quiet and disappeared of the webcam. Asked her what was wrong and she said that I can do better and I deserve better and one day I will realise that I can do "20x" better and so forth, she then said she was going off and wouldn't be on again tonight. I tried to reassure her that I don't care about anyone else and that she really does not realise herself how special she is and that the connection we have is something pretty awesome, but when in that zone there is no reasoning with her. It's difficult, I really am trying all I can to show her that she is deserving to the point where I honestly feel sick that she can't see it in herself. Really hope she can progress in it before it ruins her and our relationship because I'm running out of ideas.
grkBoy Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 My fiance was and still is insecure about her weight. Most of the time I'm supportive, but I also at times get stern. "Stop...enough! You spend all day crying about your weight. I think you look wonderful, but if you hate your body so much, do something about it. It's honestly tiresome hearing you complain about it all the time." You could add in how she's already working on it and sticking to it. Tell her that like it or not, it's going to take time. Sometimes the stern reply will get results.
Els Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 It's difficult, I really am trying all I can to show her that she is deserving to the point where I honestly feel sick that she can't see it in herself. Really hope she can progress in it before it ruins her and our relationship because I'm running out of ideas. I think you need to tell her this, point blank. It's sad when people make their own fears come true, and she's doing just that.
RiverRunning Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 I can empathize - but 170 is 'so fat' now? Unless she's really short, it's not all that overweight. I myself am about 50 pounds overweight and most people are astounded when they hear how much I weigh. A relative who weighs 30 pounds less than I do and is only an inch shorter than I am approached me recently and said, "You're probably like 10 or 15 pounds lighter than I am now." Put simply, weight doesn't tell the whole story (body composition matters). But I'd imagine that since you're posting here, her weight problem is obvious and it's not just in her head. I did many similar things. My ex grew to be brutal toward the end of our relationship. I put on about 20 pounds through it and he put on about 50, but while he was slightly chubby, he was never fat. During the last few months of our relationship, anytime we were outside - if I were in a dress or heels or anything - he would start pressuring me to go running. I think his friends or family members may have been making comments. He was very cruel to me and I chalked it up to my weight. My current S/O was also not the best to me when we started dating, and I again figured: "Oh great, another entitled guy who's going to treat me like crap because he hates my body." I did many of the same compulsive behaviors your girlfriend is doing - I wasn't fishing for compliments, so I think that assessment is off. What I was trying to do was get confirmation. I had convinced myself he hated my body and hated me, and I didn't want him blowing smoke at me. I was trying to press him into admitting what I thought to be true. If he could just SAY he didn't like my body and found me unattractive, if he could just ADMIT that he would be happier with another woman who looked better, I could still have control over the situation. He couldn't suddenly break my heart and leave me for a thinner woman. I would still have the upper hand and it would hurt me less because of it. I could say "I knew so," and move on. It's like when a fat person is always the first to crack a joke about their own weight. That's a way of maintaining control of the situation and beating others to the punch before they can hurt you about it. I remember telling my boyfriend over and over again that he could leave and he could do better, the typical rant. I'm sad to say that this went on for well over a year into our relationship. :/ I know I drove him nuts, but he was a thin guy and he could often be insensitive about other peoples' weight problems, so it just made me feel like he thought I was a lazy slob who did nothing but gorge herself. She is going to need to build self-esteem on her own and there's nothing you can do for her. Stop responding altogether to her self-loathing. Compliment her at random intervals. Be physically affectionate (because no matter how many times you compliment a woman, if you won't hold her/kiss her/etc., she's going to feel like you're blowing smoke. Whenever my sex life tapered off, I always thought it was because he thought I was too fat). It may be that she's trying to get constant reassurance, but unless she can maintain her own self-esteem, someone telling her she's pretty won't last for long. In fact, she will probably just filter it out. She needs to get more into her OWN hobbies, maybe start working out so even if the weight doesn't come off, she feels stronger, etc. You can't rely on a man to make yourself feel better. You have to find a way to do it for yourself. I'm in my mid-20s and it's taken me a long time to realize that. I was always miserable. And if she continues to lose weight (but has difficulty), remain sympathetic. I think some of the medication I'm on has basically killed my weight loss. It can be very discouraging when my boyfriend wakes up one morning and announces he's lost 5 pounds by doing absolutely nothing in the past week or two, while I'm monitoring everything I eat and going to the gym for an hour a day and losing nothing. The world can be very, very cruel to overweight women. We're constantly told we're ugly (by complete strangers, family members, friends, acquaintances, the media, everyone) and unworthy. You can tell by responses on LS from some of the men that they would sooner spit in a fat woman's face than ever talk to her. And a lot of men are very cruel - they will call an overweight girlfriend names or threaten her by saying she needs to lose weight or they'll leave. Your girlfriend is terrified, and I can't say that given the landscape of weight in the U.S., she's entirely unjustified. But that doesn't mean you have to put up with it for life either. The next time she brings it up, you need simply say: "Sandy, I chose you for a reason. If I didn't want to be with you, I wouldn't be. Your weight isn't an issue, but your insecurity is really hurting me. I wish I could convince you how I feel about you and how I love your body. I think we should spend our time talking about other things." If it persists, then I think you will have to leave.
Eliana Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 I know it's odd but some people try to sabotage their happiness, specially after traumatic events and bad previous experiences, where their self esteem and sense of self worth was killed. Seems like she is trying to do that, and I think it will take a long time for her to recover from it. I think you're a great guy and you've done everything well so far. Besides giving her reassurance and be patient there is nothing much you can do. Her fears run on a deeper place, and it's her job to get over it. Counselling would do her good.
Els Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 The world is indeed cruel to overweight women, though - and not only overweight women, but even women who are not really overweight, just larger than today's standards dictate. Hell, I'm 125 lbs and people have called me fat - sure, there is a bit of fat on my tummy, but I'm in a perfectly healthy range, it should not be such a big deal!! But it is. Similarly, the OP's gf was abused by an ex because of it, so even if she isn't genuinely medically overweight, it doesn't matter. Not to those people, and not to her, because people have been so horrid to her about it. It really is quite disheartening, but the OP has done everything he can to reassure her, it's on her now to believe him and learn to be secure. Not easy, but really, the silliest thing to do in such circumstances would be to drive away a person who genuinely loves you for who you are just because others have not.
Austen Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 While I'm not morbidly obese, I am a woman who's BATTLED with my weight my entire life (anywhere from 140-200lbs as an adult). Even when I was a strong, athletic size 10, I got the negative comments. My whole life my father put me down, friends put me down, strangers put me down, and boyfriends put me down. I recently wrote a list of all the hurtful weight-related comments that have been said to me in my life. I filled three full sized notebook pages. And I'm only in my early 30's. When you've heard the comments long enough, when people tell you that you're ugly or not lovable, it really becomes ingrained in how you think about yourself. No one who hasn't dealt with it could possibly understand the unique kind of hell it is. My heart breaks for your girlfriend. And my advice to you is this: Love her as much as you possibly can. This isn't about you, it's about her. You're uncomfortable with her insecurity. Multiply that by about 100, and that's how uncomfortable she's feeling. The damage that's been done to her over the years will not go away overnight. Don't be the one who criticizes her or leaves her. Give her time, understanding that she's vulnerable. Right now she's so sure that you're going to leave and that she's going to be hurt, that she's saying and doing things to drive you away. That way, if you do leave she can say to herself, "I knew it. I knew I wasn't good enough and that he would leave." It's just the way our minds work. If you really care about this girl, then be better than the ones who came before you and don't give up on her. Stay. And keep telling her how beautiful she is.
Austen Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 My fiance was and still is insecure about her weight. Most of the time I'm supportive, but I also at times get stern. "Stop...enough! You spend all day crying about your weight. I think you look wonderful, but if you hate your body so much, do something about it. It's honestly tiresome hearing you complain about it all the time." You could add in how she's already working on it and sticking to it. Tell her that like it or not, it's going to take time. Sometimes the stern reply will get results. "If you don't like the way you look then do something about it" is one of the most hurtful things a boyfriend ever said to me when I was feeling insecure about my weight. Do you think you're fiance hasn't spent her whole life trying to "do something about it"? Why do men play the victim in these situations? They get sooooo tired of their S/O's insecurities, but men don't battle the same stereotypes. And most "overweight" men certainly don't have women constantly telling them they're not good enough. If a man carries some weight it's okay, but if a woman is anything above a size 6, she's "chubby". You're right, it is going to take time, but insensitivity is the wrong approach.
Els Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 "If you don't like the way you look then do something about it" is one of the most hurtful things a boyfriend ever said to me when I was feeling insecure about my weight. Do you think you're fiance hasn't spent her whole life trying to "do something about it"? Why do men play the victim in these situations? They get sooooo tired of their S/O's insecurities, but men don't battle the same stereotypes. And most "overweight" men certainly don't have women constantly telling them they're not good enough. If a man carries some weight it's okay, but if a woman is anything above a size 6, she's "chubby". You're right, it is going to take time, but insensitivity is the wrong approach. I think it's unfair to label the OP and the poster you quoted in this manner. They clearly don't care about their SOs being below a size 6 and they're already doing their best. The bolded words are sheer logic IMO. Possibly not the best-delivered logic, but still logic. There really are only two reasonable options: 1) Be happy with your weight, because your partner loves you 170 lbs and all, or 2) Try and do something about it. Of course we all slip up and feel insecure sometimes, but just as our partner should try and be reassuring, we should also strive to not make weight-complaints a daily conversation, because I think it would be pretty tiresome.
Austen Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 I think it's unfair to label the OP and the poster you quoted in this manner. They clearly don't care about their SOs being below a size 6 and they're already doing their best. The bolded words are sheer logic IMO. Possibly not the best-delivered logic, but still logic. There really are only two reasonable options: 1) Be happy with your weight, because your partner loves you 170 lbs and all, or 2) Try and do something about it. Of course we all slip up and feel insecure sometimes, but just as our partner should try and be reassuring, we should also strive to not make weight-complaints a daily conversation, because I think it would be pretty tiresome. You've missed my entire point. Did you read the other post I wrote in this thread? I am glad the OP is trying to understand how to best deal with the situation and I give him kudos for that. But I stick by my assertion that the other poster's "logic" is hurtful. Sheer logic is not the be all and end all to every situation. Not to mention the fact that men and women think and communicate differently.
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