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My roommate got back together with his gf by being friends with her

futuregopher

By futuregopher
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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futuregopher Established Member

futuregopher

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Okay so I don't really know much about her because my roommate met her while taking a semester off college and working in another state. I think they've been together for ~8 months prior to breaking up. He went out one night with me in late September to the campus bars and made out with a girl while they were still together. He confessed to cheating on her later that night over skype and I could hear her sobbing and being really upset. My roommate's fb status changed the next day after she changed hers to "single". The thing is that they stayed in contact over the next couple of weeks and acted like Ron and Sam on the Jersey Shore. A couple of weeks later (it's now late september), he gets tired of her nagging him when we go out to the bars. He really gets annoyed at her and they officially break up again in a couple of days.

 

I don't know what happened but a couple of weeks later, I can always see him texting her on his phone. His fb status is no longer "single" and he doesn't really want to go out anymore after being willing to go out to the campus bars. This past weekend, he went to see her and came back saying they are back together.

 

I don't want to be nosy into their situation and I'm quite happy for him because I myself have been single for three months and it feels good to have someone else get back together.

 

I am 5 weeks of NC with my ex of 3 months. We were together for 2 years and broke up in early August because she wanted to focus on her career. I am in my last year of college and she is one year older than me. There was no wrongdoing on either end; she just wanted to do well in her career. She wished me a happy birthday over fb a couple of weeks ago for my 22nd. I don't know if I am being wishful but it makes me want to really get back with my ex. I have no idea what she is up to but 5 weeks ago she told me she couldn't get coffee with me on a saturday because she was working 60 hour weeks. I am considering opening the lines of communication again, being friends, and trying to get a second chance.

 

What do you guys think?

TheDovic Established Member

TheDovic

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I think if you want to win her back then NC is not the way to go. As you know, the purpose of NC is to heal yourself, not to win your ex back. I've only seen one person in the last 4 months on this site winning their ex back using NC, yet lots of people try to use this.

 

You know yourself that opening the channels of communication again could (and probably will) lead to more hurt. But if you've made the decision to try and win her back then communicating with her again is your best hope.

 

I've sent a couple of links below, but I really recommend reading all this lady has to say in her free articles before doing anything. She makes a lot of sense:

 

http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/NEWSLETTER%20ARTICLES/get_your_ex_back_rules_contact.html

 

http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/NEWSLETTER%20ARTICLES/get_your_ex_back_no_contact.html

 

http://torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/blog/what-will-it-take-to-change-your-ex%E2%80%99s-mind/

ChelseaLS Established Member

ChelseaLS

Posted
Posted
I think if you want to win her back then NC is not the way to go. As you know, the purpose of NC is to heal yourself, not to win your ex back. I've only seen one person in the last 4 months on this site winning their ex back using NC, yet lots of people try to use this.

 

You know yourself that opening the channels of communication again could (and probably will) lead to more hurt. But if you've made the decision to try and win her back then communicating with her again is your best hope.

 

I've sent a couple of links below, but I really recommend reading all this lady has to say in her free articles before doing anything. She makes a lot of sense:

 

http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/NEWSLETTER%20ARTICLES/get_your_ex_back_rules_contact.html

 

http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/NEWSLETTER%20ARTICLES/get_your_ex_back_no_contact.html

 

http://torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/blog/what-will-it-take-to-change-your-ex%E2%80%99s-mind/

 

 

I think this could be useful to me...

 

My ex and I are on a "break" to figure out what we both want (although I know what I want... a furture with him). So I have honored his request for space, as I do believe it will do both of us a lot of good (I feel like I kind of lost who I was in the relationship... became a home body Martha Stewart). I moved out into my own place, which makes this whole "break" seem very final. I went LC because we work together and it's hard on the old heart. But now I am terrified of us drifting apart with all this space and LC. He reached out to me last Thursday and asked me to come over and watch a hockey game with him (he had bought tickets to an event that night, but bailed?). I did go over but made sure it didn't get physical. I feel I should probably reciprocate now? Just a small gesture instead of texting him or calling him. Something to show him I am still here and I still care, I am just giving him the space he needs...? It will be a month tomorrow since we broke up.

joseph17 Established Member

joseph17

Posted
Posted
I think this could be useful to me...

 

My ex and I are on a "break" to figure out what we both want (although I know what I want... a furture with him). So I have honored his request for space, as I do believe it will do both of us a lot of good (I feel like I kind of lost who I was in the relationship... became a home body Martha Stewart). I moved out into my own place, which makes this whole "break" seem very final. I went LC because we work together and it's hard on the old heart. But now I am terrified of us drifting apart with all this space and LC. He reached out to me last Thursday and asked me to come over and watch a hockey game with him (he had bought tickets to an event that night, but bailed?). I did go over but made sure it didn't get physical. I feel I should probably reciprocate now? Just a small gesture instead of texting him or calling him. Something to show him I am still here and I still care, I am just giving him the space he needs...? It will be a month tomorrow since we broke up.

 

If you want him back here is your chance. Him inviting you over and you didn't fool around proves 1 it wasn't a booty call and 2. he cares about you. But if you don't want him back leave it alone. Is he really what you want?

joseph17 Established Member

joseph17

Posted
Posted

Ya I agree NC is not for trying to get your ex back. It might work but taking the risk is far to risky if you want them back. You just open the door for them to start seeing some one else and forget about you. Show your ex you have changed and are getting your life together. I hate to hear of BU's because of trying to get a career right. What is the point of a relationship if you don't go through the ups and downs together and help each other to get where you both want to go. It's about building a bond together and both achieving goals together not do it individually and then get back together when the times are good. But this is just my opinion. If you want her back don't go NC that is the main point and your best friend proved that

ChelseaLS Established Member

ChelseaLS

Posted
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If you want him back here is your chance. Him inviting you over and you didn't fool around proves 1 it wasn't a booty call and 2. he cares about you. But if you don't want him back leave it alone. Is he really what you want?

 

He is 100% who I want to be with. I did a lot of soul searching, sat myself down and went through everything... making sure I wasn't just missing companionship. After many hours, and many different sessions of souls searching, I can truly tell myself that this is the man I want to be with.

It's peculiar even though we are broken up, when I see him I get all giddy and excited inside.. like when we first met lol. God I love him.

joseph17 Established Member

joseph17

Posted
Posted
He is 100% who I want to be with. I did a lot of soul searching, sat myself down and went through everything... making sure I wasn't just missing companionship. After many hours, and many different sessions of souls searching, I can truly tell myself that this is the man I want to be with.

It's peculiar even though we are broken up, when I see him I get all giddy and excited inside.. like when we first met lol. God I love him.

 

Then go get him. He still wants you and I can tell you from a man's point of view that if you start showing more interest (like more contact and hanging out) you will get him back.

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futuregopher Established Member

futuregopher

Posted
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She broke up with me in early August and back then I still wanted a second chance. However, as I got back to college in late August, I realized that a second chance was probably not going to happen so I tried to stay NC and move on. I broke NC once after three weeks to ask for my belongings back and have been NC for 5 weeks since then. A second chance never really crossed my mind until this started happening with my roommate and his gf.

 

I guess my mind is just a little confused right now. I've been following CaliGuy's guide to second chances (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84894/). The last time I contacted her was 5 weeks ago and she said she was busy working 60 hour weeks. After she broke up with me and once when we met face to face after the breakup she told me that she didn't want to date anyone. I was the same exact way after my first breakup and didn't date/hookup for a year until I met my now ex-gf.

 

It seems like all the advice on LS with breakups and second chances are first to go NC. I'm not sure what exactly my roommate did. I believe he went NC/LC for a month or so. I'm just very confused right now.

joseph17 Established Member

joseph17

Posted
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She broke up with me in early August and back then I still wanted a second chance. However, as I got back to college in late August, I realized that a second chance was probably not going to happen so I tried to stay NC and move on. I broke NC once after three weeks to ask for my belongings back and have been NC for 5 weeks since then. A second chance never really crossed my mind until this started happening with my roommate and his gf.

 

I guess my mind is just a little confused right now. I've been following CaliGuy's guide to second chances (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t84894/). The last time I contacted her was 5 weeks ago and she said she was busy working 60 hour weeks. After she broke up with me and once when we met face to face after the breakup she told me that she didn't want to date anyone. I was the same exact way after my first breakup and didn't date/hookup for a year until I met my now ex-gf.

 

It seems like all the advice on LS with breakups and second chances are first to go NC. I'm not sure what exactly my roommate did. I believe he went NC/LC for a month or so. I'm just very confused right now.

 

Everyone's situation is different. iT SOUNDS TO ME SHE DOESN'T HAVE TIME TO SEE YOU OR MAKE TIME FOR YOU. NC is only good so you can start healing yourself. It is not about getting her back. The way it is used to get your ex back is to show them that you have moved on and that you are happy with out them in hopes they will be miserable with out you. Big chance to risk if you ask me if you truly love someone. So in either cases which people us NC the point is to heal yourself.

ChelseaLS Established Member

ChelseaLS

Posted
Posted
Then go get him. He still wants you and I can tell you from a man's point of view that if you start showing more interest (like more contact and hanging out) you will get him back.

 

It's strange he walks by my office and winks at me everytime.

Anyways I am going to try, very slowly, because he did ask for space and I told him I would honor that. I have always had a gut feeling we would be together again, but I never want to listen to it, if it's just silly nonsense.

 

Thanks for the advice. :)

Rorschach64 Established Member

Rorschach64

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NC, LC, and etc....

 

it is all situational dependant. For some, like myself, had their ex crap all over them and/or some one else being in the picture, have no other choice but to go NC despite trying their best to save the relationship.

 

Continue contact with ex delays healing, gaining insight, and growth plus the major danger of being friend zoned and chasing the ex away.

ChelseaLS Established Member

ChelseaLS

Posted
Posted
NC, LC, and etc....

 

it is all situational dependant. For some, like myself, had their ex crap all over them and/or some one else being in the picture, have no other choice but to go NC despite trying their best to save the relationship.

 

Continue contact with ex delays healing, gaining insight, and growth plus the major danger of being friend zoned and chasing the ex away.

 

Sure contact is a risk, but it's a risk I am willing to take. Afterall the saying goes "out of sight, out of mind"... that is also a risk. I'd prefer to risk it with contact, as my situtation was never a final one, nor did it end messy. Plus he has reached out to me already.

Rorschach64 Established Member

Rorschach64

Posted
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Also what joseph said is true, a relationship is a dual effort not a single one. So things shouldn't have to come to a break up over anything if there is love and maturity.

 

My situation, I'm sure alot have heard it already, recently made me consider breaking NC of 5 months NC, didn't hear anything from ex, because I am better, stronger, and kinder to tell my I am these things and try again for 3rd time to convience her back into the relationship. But wait....if she was to change and grow in a positive way she would have come to this conclusion also but she hasn't so it would be a failure anyway. Plus she KNOWS im single too but that isn't making her come back showing she doesn't care at all and is clearly happy in her 'guilt-free' world with the unjust break up.

 

Thoughts?

Rorschach64 Established Member

Rorschach64

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Chelsea,

 

Like I said NC is situational and I know your situation warrants LC. While I firmly believe my situation requires NC unless she speaks first. I'm not waiting around anymore, I deserve better and so do all of us than having to deal with our exs bs.

ffw Established Member

ffw

Posted
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Rorschach: Looking like a household guy than a rambo. Not much I can add because you already answered your own question.

 

Chelsea: Go for it. You have nothing to lose.

Rorschach64 Established Member

Rorschach64

Posted
Posted

Ffw,

 

I'm assuming you mean I've taken a timid approach?

 

Either way, you gotta know when to walk away either way when you want an ex back and they are not willing to work with you at any level. I tried my best and it didn't take so I walked.

 

What would you've done ffw?

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