grkBoy Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 So what do you all do when another person gets the guy or girl you're interested in...? Move along with your life or fight for him/her? Do you feel a bit of rejection even if you were technically never rejected...? Perhaps it was timing or any number of other reasons? Does it make a difference if it was just out at the bar one night and "lost" them to someone else or had been trying to date over a longer period of time? So the girl from work is now hooking up with another guy in the class. Although I really have choice but to be ok with it, I still get a little upset whenever I have to see her. She has grown considerably more distant over the past couple weeks, so it all kinda makes sense now. Some of my friends had said that I wasn't aggressive enough with her...I honestly don't know. I move on. No one is worth fighting for in this sense. Plenty of fish out there, so keep looking.
counterman Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 This girl isn't worth "fighting" for, in fact, I don't think there would many worth "fighting" for. If a girl is interested, she's interested. I don't need to compete against another guy to convince her that I'm worthy. It's just a waste of time. There use to be this guy who was my friend. He was interested in my ex and tried all these douchebag tactics but I ended up going out with her. After she broke up with me, she went out (and is still going out) with him... That burned me for a little while, and I saw it that it momentarily as "I lost". BUT, soon I realised, hell she didn't treat me right anyways. She wasn't all that special. If a girl decides to "choose" another guy over me, I won't even give it a second thought. I'll be onto the next girl in no time. You're better than being second best, Hokie.
Author USMCHokie Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 It doesn't sound like this was going to go anywhere great, based on your circumstances and your description of her, Hokie. I'd just let it go at this point. Sounds like you and she are not on the same relationship-page anyway. I know, we weren't. I'll be the first to admit that this was a case of me becoming infatuated with a pretty girl who gave me a little bit of attention. I then rationalized how "great" her personality was to convince myself I was interested in her for the right reasons...
ptp Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 (edited) I am going to take a different angle on this and this will sound harsh, initially. She was never "Your" girl. Did you ever sleep with her? When we, as guys, like a girl, we foolishly delude ourselves into thinking there was something there when there wasn't. She probably thinks of you as a that nice guy who is a friend, while you think of her as "Your" girl. You didn't lose "Your" girl, you lost a girl. Losing a girl shouldn't be that big of a deal to you. So move on...no blood no foul. Edited November 7, 2011 by ptp
somedude81 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I asked her out. Twice. She asked to reschedule. Twice. Yeah that sucks. You did all you could. Lame that she didn't tell you she was interested in somebody else instead of giving you the run around.
Mrlonelyone Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 @USMC If the guy she picked was an obvious scumbag I would say "take it as a compliment she's a bad judge of character". The cure for you is to get yourself interested in another woman. That will speed getting over things and who knows it might just work out.
Star Gazer Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I know, we weren't. I'll be the first to admit that this was a case of me becoming infatuated with a pretty girl who gave me a little bit of attention. I then rationalized how "great" her personality was to convince myself I was interested in her for the right reasons... I think this is an excuse you tell yourself to make yourself feel better about rejection. You do it with every, single girl. You like her - a LOT - and when she rejects you, you do this whole, "Meh, she wasn't what I wanted anyway." How about just growing a pair and saying, "Man, it sucks when they want someone else, but what are ya gonna do?"
Star Gazer Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 She was never "Your" girl. You didn't lose "Your" girl, you lost a girl. Losing a girl shouldn't be that big of a deal to you. And I'll take it a step farther. Not only did he not lose "his" girl, he didn't "lose" a girl at all. In order to lose something, you have to have it to begin with.
somedude81 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 And I'll take it a step farther. Not only did he not lose "his" girl, he didn't "lose" a girl at all. In order to lose something, you have to have it to begin with. Yeah, that's obviously the case but the human brain doesn't care. If anything, he lost the opportunity to be with her.
zengirl Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I know, we weren't. I'll be the first to admit that this was a case of me becoming infatuated with a pretty girl who gave me a little bit of attention. I then rationalized how "great" her personality was to convince myself I was interested in her for the right reasons... I think this is an excuse you tell yourself to make yourself feel better about rejection. You do it with every, single girl. You like her - a LOT - and when she rejects you, you do this whole, "Meh, she wasn't what I wanted anyway." How about just growing a pair and saying, "Man, it sucks when they want someone else, but what are ya gonna do?" Well, he was leaving in a few months anyway. The best he could've hoped for was a fling, yet he was unwilling to approach it in any way but a serious dating way. I think there was a genuine mismatch all around, really. I don't think Hokie really does all that much to make himself feel better about rejection at all; in fact, I think he wallows in it! (Which is an issue far greater than this girl sticking her tongue down some guy's throat.) I see no reason to believe this is even a personal rejection of Hokie; it's just how it went. And it's probably no great loss if he operates one way (he really wanted dates) and she another (she hooks up) + he wasn't even going to be there long enough to operate the way he likes and really date her. As to rejection; I would suggest, in general, that people not allow others to even rejection. To me, I only let myself feel rejected if I operate in a way where I was malicious. That's how I re-defined the belief system after reading a book about Taoism and beliefs (it suggested this precisely) and dating, and it definitely helped me. What use is it to sit around, wallowing, and feeling rejected and undesirable? That's half of Hokie's whole problem usually. This just didn't work out. And c'est la vie. If any of Hokie's actions contributed to it, then he should address them, but the worst it looks like he did was get overly fixated with a girl who didn't operate the same way he did.
Author USMCHokie Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 ...but of course it still sucks that I wasn't her first choice. But what can you do, right? I think this is an excuse you tell yourself to make yourself feel better about rejection. You do it with every, single girl. You like her - a LOT - and when she rejects you, you do this whole, "Meh, she wasn't what I wanted anyway." How about just growing a pair and saying, "Man, it sucks when they want someone else, but what are ya gonna do?" Refer to above. But maybe you're right.
Author USMCHokie Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 I am going to take a different angle on this and this will sound harsh, initially. She was never "Your" girl. Did you ever sleep with her? When we, as guys, like a girl, we foolishly delude ourselves into thinking there was something there when there wasn't. She probably thinks of you as a that nice guy who is a friend, while you think of her as "Your" girl. You didn't lose "Your" girl, you lost a girl. Losing a girl shouldn't be that big of a deal to you. So move on...no blood no foul. Not harsh at all, but maybe a little misinformed. I used the word your in quotations specifically to avoid cluttering the title while describing the situation. Nowhere in my first post or any other post did I imply possession. I expressly said 'girl I was interested in or wanted to date.' Never said she was mine if that she owed me anything. Sorry for any confusion.
Star Gazer Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Well, he was leaving in a few months anyway. The best he could've hoped for was a fling, yet he was unwilling to approach it in any way but a serious dating way. They're both leaving in a few months, and both headed to SoCal. He was already thinking about how they'd continue their relationship out there. I see no reason to believe this is even a personal rejection of Hokie; it's just how it went. Well, he did ask her out twice. But my point is, he gets internally defensive when things don't go his way, instead of letting it just roll off his shoulders (as I think it would help him to do).
jobaba Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 It sucks. When I was in college, I was into this girl. Big time. Like the biggest obsession I've ever had in my life up to that point or since. I finally got up the courage to ask her out and we went on an awkward date. I tried to call her and she'd ignore my calls and crap like that. She said she wasn't looking for anything and I believed her. Except when we came back from semester break, she was dating one of my best friends! Not only is it a rejection, it's a bona fide rejection, because I wasn't far from my buddy's personality. So, it's kinda like she's calling you ugly, and spitting on you at the same time. And then you have to watch them kiss and hear them f@ck and stuff like that. Oh man, those days. I mean I can laugh at it now, but back then it sucked. I mean, I've broken up with girlfriends and been cheated on, been rejected a ton, but getting rejected and having the girl hook up with one of your buds is by far the worst. Women should really not do that to guys...
tman666 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Go to SoCal with a blank slate and no attachments. It'll be a fun new arena.
Author USMCHokie Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 They're both leaving in a few months, and both headed to SoCal. He was already thinking about how they'd continue their relationship out there. Of course I'd have a plan for the long term or else I wouldnt have pursued it. Well, he did ask her out twice. Yea, but that would be irrelevant if she saw that is just two friends getting dinner. But my point is, he gets internally defensive when things don't go his way, instead of letting it just roll off his shoulders (as I think it would help him to do). Of course, because I can do no wrong.
Author USMCHokie Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 Go to SoCal with a blank slate and no attachments. It'll be a fun new arena. Not where I'm going...think of the movie "The Hills Have Eyes"...it was filmed there...
Author USMCHokie Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 @USMC If the guy she picked was an obvious scumbag I would say "take it as a compliment she's a bad judge of character". The cure for you is to get yourself interested in another woman. That will speed getting over things and who knows it might just work out. Eh, the guy's alright; not a scumbag. I think it's been in the works for a while now, it's just that he had a long distance girlfriend back in California, and apparently that ended recently...so it was open season for them.
Star Gazer Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Of course I'd have a plan for the long term or else I wouldnt have pursued it. Perhaps that's your first problem, thinking long term before you've even gone out on a date. Yea, but that would be irrelevant if she saw that is just two friends getting dinner. It's unlikely she thought you intended it to be as just friends, otherwise she wouldn't have cooled off with you as things heated up with the other guy.
Author USMCHokie Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 It's unlikely she thought you intended it to be as just friends, otherwise she wouldn't have cooled off with you as things heated up with the other guy. Good point. Oh well, you're right, it does feel better to just accept that she just wasn't into me like that. Life goes on.
Imajerk17 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 So when did this happen, her hooking up with the other guy? Weren't you talking to her in the meanwhile?
Author USMCHokie Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 So when did this happen, her hooking up with the other guy? Weren't you talking to her in the meanwhile?[/quote I think they're first tryst occurred the night of Halloween...but they were getting closer the weeks prior. And yes, I was talking to her and had asked her out at some point during that time. Oh well.
ffw Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 So what do you all do when another person gets the guy or girl you're interested in...? Move along with your life or fight for him/her? Do you feel a bit of rejection even if you were technically never rejected...? Perhaps it was timing or any number of other reasons? Does it make a difference if it was just out at the bar one night and "lost" them to someone else or had been trying to date over a longer period of time? Persoanlly, my gf broke up with me bcs she fell in love with other guy. So, both theoretically & practically, I can't do much other than to move on. I always believe in her. So, even she broke up she gave me the right reasons & didn't beat around the bush. Even though, the rejection part hurts but still I am happy & proud of her.
Trimmer Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Nowhere in my first post or any other post did I imply possession. I expressly said 'girl I was interested in or wanted to date.' Never said she was mine if that she owed me anything. I'll grant you that, but you do talk about "losing" her, about fighting for her, and about her being the object of a competition. While this may not imply that you thought you ever "posessed" her, it does imply that you thought of her as an object to be possessed, a goal to be reached, a prize to be won in a fight, if only you had "fought" hard enough. I suggest you think of her simply as a person, a human being, who made a choice. If you had "fought for her", who would you consider to have been your opponent? I know, we weren't. I'll be the first to admit that this was a case of me becoming infatuated with a pretty girl who gave me a little bit of attention. I then rationalized how "great" her personality was to convince myself I was interested in her for the right reasons... ...And then when things didn't go your way, you rationalized her lack of interest by calling her an "attention whore." Is it possible that she's neither an ideal woman on a pedestal, nor a loose attention whore, but actually somewhere in the middle, where most of us live: a kinda normal human being, with her own, individual personality, and the ability and liberty to make choices for herself?
Author USMCHokie Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 I'll grant you that, but you do talk about "losing" her, about fighting for her, and about her being the object of a competition. While this may not imply that you thought you ever "posessed" her, it does imply that you thought of her as an object to be possessed, a goal to be reached, a prize to be won in a fight, if only you had "fought" hard enough. I suggest you think of her simply as a person, a human being, who made a choice. If you had "fought for her", who would you consider to have been your opponent? I wouldn't have ever considered having to even "fight" for her becquse I didn't know the other guy was even in the picture. But yes, I agree that thinking of it as a competition certainly objectifies women, which is not the way to go. And you're right, she made a choice and was neither won or lost. I get that now, and it actually feels better for me to think of it thqt way...she just didn't see me like that. Next. ...And then when things didn't go your way, you rationalized her lack of interest by calling her an "attention whore." Is it possible that she's neither an ideal woman on a pedestal, nor a loose attention whore, but actually somewhere in the middle, where most of us live: a kinda normal human being, with her own, individual personality, and the ability and liberty to make choices for herself? Here is where I will stand by my assessment. She IS an attention whore, and I kind of talked about it in my last thread about her. It was something that had bothered me since I had first become interested, and there was one incident where she was all over one of our married male friends when we were all hanging out on night. That was what temporarily turned me off from her, as I had mentioned in the last thread. But I figured I'd get over it because I thought I liked her enough...
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