lilyblue Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Hi everyone, I will try to make this brief: Been good friends with a guy for 3 years. He was married, got separated almost 2 years ago (her doing). They had been together since they were teens, now in early 30's. They tried to get back together a year ago, didn't work out. I assume his divorce was finalized after that (I know it's official, just don't know the timing exactly), so has been divorced for about a year. He "played" a lot after that and then became more relationship-focused, said he was ready for a relationship and started pursuing me. After a couple of months and very open discussions about being over the ex, being ready to seriously date, etc we decided to date. After about 4 great weeks of him constantly telling me how happy I made him and actions to back up the words, he became a bit less communicative, 2 weeks after that he went out of town for work. He texted me when his plane landed back home and that was the last I heard from him. It became clear during the rest of that weekend that I was being ignored (I texted him one day, no response, called him the next with no response). I tried to contact him 2 more times during the next month and a week after that I figured out (through the magic of the internet) that he's back with the ex. I assume this started around the same time our communication changed. He was one of my really good friends and I can't believe that he would not even tell me that he wanted to end things with me. It's so frustrating that he won't talk to me and I feel so disrespected. Right before he went out of town I told him that I really valued him as a person and I didn't want to be strung along (feeling a bit uneasy about the sudden change) . He assured me he liked me too much to string me along and would never do that to me and wanted to date me. Well... a week later. I'm not sure what to do. It's really very hurtful. And what are the chances that anything has really changed between them? I guess maybe the pull of the past was too strong but, wow did he go about it in a hurtful and disrespectful way to me.
M2155 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I swear I've read this story on here before...Sorry that happened to you, there really isn't anything you can do. Those two have been together over a decade? Yeah that's going to take longer than a year or so to break. You can't compete with that kind of history. As for the way he did it, I can only speculate as my ex did the exact same thing. I got the distance, the lame text, and then completely ignored. I found out through the internet that he was happily back in love with his ex. I can only imagine they didn't have the balls to tell us the truth. Probably felt some guilt since he's going back on his word to you, I don't know. It's not right. It angered me quite a bit, I think he could have at least been honest with me and had the decency to say goodbye like a normal person, but it hindsight, it doesn't even matter anymore. Gone is gone:(. Doesn't make it any easier but I guess at least I didn't have a chance to make it even worse in person. I hope you are able to put this behind you in time. You don't want to deal with him because his heart is not available.
mike588 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Hi everyone, I will try to make this brief: Been good friends with a guy for 3 years. He was married, got separated almost 2 years ago (her doing). They had been together since they were teens, now in early 30's. They tried to get back together a year ago, didn't work out. I assume his divorce was finalized after that (I know it's official, just don't know the timing exactly), so has been divorced for about a year. He "played" a lot after that and then became more relationship-focused, said he was ready for a relationship and started pursuing me. After a couple of months and very open discussions about being over the ex, being ready to seriously date, etc we decided to date. After about 4 great weeks of him constantly telling me how happy I made him and actions to back up the words, he became a bit less communicative, 2 weeks after that he went out of town for work. He texted me when his plane landed back home and that was the last I heard from him. It became clear during the rest of that weekend that I was being ignored (I texted him one day, no response, called him the next with no response). I tried to contact him 2 more times during the next month and a week after that I figured out (through the magic of the internet) that he's back with the ex. I assume this started around the same time our communication changed. He was one of my really good friends and I can't believe that he would not even tell me that he wanted to end things with me. It's so frustrating that he won't talk to me and I feel so disrespected. Right before he went out of town I told him that I really valued him as a person and I didn't want to be strung along (feeling a bit uneasy about the sudden change) . He assured me he liked me too much to string me along and would never do that to me and wanted to date me. Well... a week later. I'm not sure what to do. It's really very hurtful. And what are the chances that anything has really changed between them? I guess maybe the pull of the past was too strong but, wow did he go about it in a hurtful and disrespectful way to me. Sounds so familar. I dated a woman fresh out of a relationship for about a year. I/we also had numerous talks about her ex. and I was assured it was over between the two of them. We had been friends many years ago before "reconnecting" and I though everything was good between us.She told me how great I was, how I made her feel so special and appreciated etc.etc. So to answer your question,, yes I guess the pull of the past is strong,, it's like there is unfinished business between ex.s The way my ex. dumped me was a horrible,disresprectful way but that's another story. He is feeling alot of guilt and trying to let you down easy. I know how you feel,, it's awful. I'd leave him alone, don't contact him. He's made his choice, ignore him.
2sunny Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 It is hurtful - the way he childishly didn't tell you. Since he's so inferior at communicating honesty and feelings - count your blessings. I'd make one last call - leave him a message thanking him for saving you from his inadequate style. Tell him he's not honest and sucks as your friend. Tell him not to call when it ends with his ex - you deserve better than being anyone's second choice. He's a slow learner... To continue going back to her when he has evidence it's not ideal. Never settle! (yes, to go back would be settling at this point)
Author lilyblue Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 Seems like this is unfortunately somewhat common Thanks for your replies. I know there's not really much I can "do" at this point to make him talk to me. It's just so infuriating! I have of course thought of going to his house, going to places I know he goes, etc, but I don't want to go that route. I still have some of his stuff, but apparentley he doesn't care about that either. I hope he does feel guilty. That's the only thing that really does give me any solace. Until I found out about her I assumed that he has somehow spontaneously started hating me. At least that is out of the picture I suppose. I can't help thinking that they are going to fail (they didn't last long last time) and I'm going to hear from him again. I don't know how I feel about that. Of course part of me is hopeful for that as I miss him a lot after spending every day of the spring/summer with him. But I also know that my tendency would be to take him back and I would like to not want to do that. Though I think he handled the whole situation in a horrible matter, I do somewhat understand the drive to make it work with someone you've spent over half your life with. She also dislikes me because she thought he liked me while they were married. Could she partially be driving this? And finally we're both invited to a small bday dinner on Tuesday. I don't know if he knows that I am invited but I would assume he would not show up if he knew I was. This is all going to become much more common as the holidays approach since we share a large group of friends. Sometimes I wish I could have held out one more month before deciding to date him and none of this would have ever happened.
melenkurion Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Unless he has worked hard on himself, spent a lot of time working out what he genuinely needs from a relationship, has developed good communication skills, then it is certain that the same problems as last time will rematerialise. Given what he's done to you, I can see little evidence of any of that. Since he has left you in a very disrespectful way, that tells you everything you need to know about him. You deserve someone who treats you better than this. In fact, being single is a far better option than being with someone who doesn't treat you well.
M2155 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 melenkurion is right (I'm trying to follow that advice too;)) I've had some friends in this same situation too and it didn't work out (although it took at least a year for it to fall apart). When it first happened to me I was sure this was a fluke and they would fail and I was planning to "get my ex back" etc etc. But now I'm starting to think -and it took some time and some very good friends beating some sense into my head-that I deserve better than someone who would check out on me like that. Even if his thing does fail, he was having a struggle communicating, and I feel like we have a shot. Someone who isn't emotionally strong enough to be straightforward with me and start up with his ex behind my back is probably not someone you want to invest a lifetime in. I think if we ever had a chance to get back together, I'd always be looking over my shoulder. But don't feel bad, it takes a lot of time and rationalization to come to this point. And even then, our hearts are fragile.
melenkurion Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 ... Someone who isn't emotionally strong enough to be straightforward with me and start up with his ex behind my back is probably not someone you want to invest a lifetime in. I think if we ever had a chance to get back together, I'd always be looking over my shoulder. Very, very true. I am glad you are thinking this way. It's not the way a decent person should behave, it's the mark of someone who ducks out of difficult situations and can only cope with the good stuff. The one certainty is that life is full of difficult situations.
Author lilyblue Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 Thanks so much for everyone's replies. Encouraging to hear your progress M2155. I would say that he has definitely not "figured things out". If anything he seems less mature and grounded than he did while he was married, and even less so than he did a year ago. To me anyway. He is very very good at communicating postive things but hard things, not so much. I miss him though.
blacktambourine Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I'm really sorry this happened to you. In a perfect world, people would take responsibility for their actions and have the courage enough to tell the truth, or at least apologize for their wrong doings. I know you miss him. I miss my ex so much. Every day. The advice I've been given for now is to get angry. I can't believe how hard it is for me to do, since i know I have every right to be. It's so easy to focus on all the good. I personally feel like we subconsciously hold onto and magnify these good memories and characteristics because deep down we hope that this guy/girl will suddenly change their minds, and we wan't SO desperately to be with him/her again that we won't even consider horribly we were treated - "I want you back so badly, I don't even care what an a-hole you were!" But if we DID really consider how poorly we were treated, it would be the first step towards letting go, and that's a scary thing to do. I don't know you, but I don't believe you deserve to be with such a big coward. What he did was awfully childish. I don't think he meant to hurt you, but he was a real baby the way he went about things. Hang in there. I know how hard it is to lose a friend. Keep doing what you can to keep your head up.
Author lilyblue Posted November 8, 2011 Author Posted November 8, 2011 Thanks again for the kind replies. It really helps sometimes to have outside objective opinions and I feel like I can only bother my friends so much with this. I really appreciate it. I agree with you about anger being so hard. Sometimes I get angry for a little bit, but it generally quickly fades into sadness. "I'm so mad he did this to me!" turns into "it makes me really sad that he did this to me". I think it's really easy for me to focus on the good because this was really the only bad thing. We didn't fight as friends, we didn't argue once we started dating. Everything was good so really I have nothing (well besides this) but pleasant memories. And everything reminds me of him. It is a scary thought to let go of him. I really like him, and still do. I agree it was totally childish. I just wish I could shake it out of him and make him own up to it!!
M2155 Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 I felt all those things. I was almost happy when I was angry but it would always turn into sadness. Every thing reminded me of him, all I could think about was how great we were- cause we were pretty good until the end. Pretty gut-wrenching but you have to force yourself to look at the whole person. Part of that person is a coward who can't handle the tough situations. Showed a lack of respect for his relationship with you and probably not someone you can trust. If it were not for it being an ex, I'd probably have tried to hang on to hope longer, but my ex was never with me the way he is with her. And your ex was married to someone he spent most of his adult life with- that's hard to follow up. Eventually you will realize that trust is one spot you will find it hard to overcome in thoughts of being with him again someday. You will always be suspect if he still has feelings for her, despite how great it was when you were together:( It's really unfortunate. I hope we all meet someone available and wonderful when the time is right!
Author lilyblue Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 Even the littlest words trigger it - I too hope we find available men, but the time thing - that instantly makes my mind wander to him repeatedly expressing how glad he was that timing had finally worked out. He was divorced and ready for a realationship, I was single. He told me he had had a crush on me since the first day he met me, and was able to name the day and what we had done. I went to my friend's get together tonight. I was so nervous walking up to the restaurant knowing he was going to be there (it was a very small group) but I walked in confidently. He didn't really acknowledge me and a couple of minutes after I sat down I tapped him on the arm and said hi. He reciprocated pleasantly but also looked uncomfortable (in a guilty way not in a a**hole way). We didn't engage too much but had one decent exchange which felt so much like the easy time we used to have communicating and so normal. He got up to leave and was going the other way around the table hugging everyone and I was wondering if he was going to avoid me. He came over and hugged me last and stammered out a "sorry..." . It was kind of gratifying to see someone look so guilty and uncomfortable all night who is usually right on the border between confident and cocky. I didn't say anything back, just hugged him. He's a coward, but especially after tonight I do believe the he's not necessarily malicious. A huge coward who handled this without a shred of decency but the sole intent wasn't to hurt me. I came out of the night feeling like the bigger person, which was nice. I could have stayed wrapped in his arms a lot longer and I do miss him a lot, but it was a little bit satisfying to see him. In a few hours I'm sure I'll be desperately missing him again but in the end I am glad I went.
wilsonx Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 You will, this is a tough thing to get through. Im still battling this same type of cowardice and betrayal. Look at it this way. He's not playing games with you, hes not contacting you. You are in a very good place. It sucks that people are so selfish sometimes and do things like this. There's a lot of good advice in this thread. Keep your head up and never settle. If he's back with his ex wife then thats how its meant to be and just accept it and find the person thats meant to be with you
Author lilyblue Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 Well I feel like he played a huge game with me, but I know what you mean I'm not doing a very good job accepting he's back with the ex because I cannot see how it can last. I seem to do fine accepting it as a temporary thing and it might last, and then I'd totally agree with you, I would take it as meant to be. But their 2nd try since divorce and right on the heels of her breaking up with someone else? I woke up this morning thinking "what happened last night???" How weird seeing him after all this crap.
mike588 Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Well I feel like he played a huge game with me, but I know what you mean I'm not doing a very good job accepting he's back with the ex because I cannot see how it can last. I seem to do fine accepting it as a temporary thing and it might last, and then I'd totally agree with you, I would take it as meant to be. But their 2nd try since divorce and right on the heels of her breaking up with someone else? I woke up this morning thinking "what happened last night???" How weird seeing him after all this crap. I know how you feel. I was having a hard time also accepting my ex. is back with her ex. and too found some comfort thinking/hoping it won't last knowing it's their 3rd try,,, like you maybe it was meant to be this time?
Author lilyblue Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 24 hours later and I'm wondering if I acted in the best way. It's good to take the high road right? Part of me thinks he didn't deserve that - me being pleasant and light... but me being the person he used to like can only be for the best right? I came out of the night feeling like the bigger person - but hopefully this wasn't just interpreted as weak and too forgiving.
wilsonx Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Whatever road you took, is the road you chose. Just accept it. IF you took the high road, good. Don't question your decisions, trust them!
M2155 Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 24 hours later and I'm wondering if I acted in the best way. It's good to take the high road right? Part of me thinks he didn't deserve that - me being pleasant and light... but me being the person he used to like can only be for the best right? I came out of the night feeling like the bigger person - but hopefully this wasn't just interpreted as weak and too forgiving. It doesn't matter, it's over. You know he felt guilty about how he treated you and he probably won't be able to face you again so it's best to let go. Sure you could have acted desperate or like an @ss, but you acted with class. That's not weak.
Author lilyblue Posted November 14, 2011 Author Posted November 14, 2011 Thanks. I miss him so much. It's been a really bad weekend and I've basically spent all of it crying. I want to text him, I want to email him, I just want him to come back. I'm really lonely. I can't talk to my friends about it anymore because they think I should be over him. Two of my family members asked me this weekend why my he wasn't with me and I think that started things off. There was just such promise, I was so happy with him and could be so much happier right now.
M2155 Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 I'm sorry Lilyblue. I went through that too. I hated hearing "just forget him" because it's so hard to do. You don't forget, you just eventually see him differently and realize he wasn't prince charming (PC wouldn't be a coward anyway). You will be happy again with someone who makes you his first choice. It will take some time. Hang in there!
Author lilyblue Posted November 14, 2011 Author Posted November 14, 2011 Thanks for your continued resposnes, I really appreciate you taking the time to offer support. I just don't know how to move forward. I know it takes time, but I'm at a loss of what to do in the meantime. I'm trying online dating, but no one interests me. I loved his personality, and that type of personality I am definitely not going to find online because people like that just meet people. Part of me thinks if I try to contact him more maybe he'll remember how much fun we had together, miss me, and come back.
M2155 Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 It's like groundhogs day or something If you call him, I suspect it will make you feel worse...even if you get to talk to him (it did me). If you keep contacting him, knowing he's in a relationship I don't know that that will have the effect you want. If he comes back, she'll start reminding him what they had. And that's more than you can compete with. How great can sharing your man's heart with another woman be? I would suggest doing what you do after any other breakup. Cry, eat icecream and watch un-sappy movies. You can't date because your expectations of dating are not realistic right now. Eventually yes you definitely need to hang around new people just to know there are other fish in the sea and that it is possible that someone exciting is out there. But find your happiness in yourself for a while...you will not feel better until you realize for yourself that you deserve better. Right now he is still the "prize" and it takes some time to see that he was just ok. I'm around month 4 and I'm looking forward to someone new. Dating sucks but my head is out of the ground now so I'm more optimistic.
nathanjbrown1 Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 Hi everyone, I will try to make this brief: Been good friends with a guy for 3 years. He was married, got separated almost 2 years ago (her doing). They had been together since they were teens, now in early 30's. They tried to get back together a year ago, didn't work out. I assume his divorce was finalized after that (I know it's official, just don't know the timing exactly), so has been divorced for about a year. He "played" a lot after that and then became more relationship-focused, said he was ready for a relationship and started pursuing me. After a couple of months and very open discussions about being over the ex, being ready to seriously date, etc we decided to date. After about 4 great weeks of him constantly telling me how happy I made him and actions to back up the words, he became a bit less communicative, 2 weeks after that he went out of town for work. He texted me when his plane landed back home and that was the last I heard from him. It became clear during the rest of that weekend that I was being ignored (I texted him one day, no response, called him the next with no response). I tried to contact him 2 more times during the next month and a week after that I figured out (through the magic of the internet) that he's back with the ex. I assume this started around the same time our communication changed. He was one of my really good friends and I can't believe that he would not even tell me that he wanted to end things with me. It's so frustrating that he won't talk to me and I feel so disrespected. Right before he went out of town I told him that I really valued him as a person and I didn't want to be strung along (feeling a bit uneasy about the sudden change) . He assured me he liked me too much to string me along and would never do that to me and wanted to date me. Well... a week later. I'm not sure what to do. It's really very hurtful. And what are the chances that anything has really changed between them? I guess maybe the pull of the past was too strong but, wow did he go about it in a hurtful and disrespectful way to me. I think you've been was covering the hole of his past.WHY? Because he didn't even tell you that he's back with his ex..even though he confess to you that he is ready for a new relationship..then even take you out for a date...He ignore you...Its better for you to move on and start a new life with other guy.
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