patagonia Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Shortly after arriving home from an attempted reconcile of my ex-wife, I met a woman that I had gone to elementary school with through fb. It took it's toll through pm'ing that I got her number and began texting her. Through texting I got her on the phone and through the phone I asked her for a date. We had talked a little over a month before the first date. After the first date we saw each other again for another date. Through all of this we both had a strong attraction to one another. Until about a week and a half ago, we had probably seen each other 10 times. I'm honestly not sure of the number but it was quite a bit. She had admitted that she liked me and loved my company. I thought things were going very well. We were very romantic with one another and very touchy. Lots of chemistry and a great time. Almost 2 weeks ago she told me that she was freaked out and needed some 'clarity'. I immediately took this as she had her fun and that things were over. She had already told me that she hadn't liked someone like this in a 1.5 yrs(since her last major relationship). She mentioned she still wanted to talk every night and I said that if she really wanted clarity that maybe we shouldn't talk every night. So over the past week and few days I've really tried to back off in the area of pursuit. I haven't texted her every day unless she does first and I have only called once. I wanted to see her this weekend so I asked her to hang out and she said that she would really like to see me but she still needs time to figure things out...once again, first time she has denied hanging out which tells me things are gone. Texting has slowed down and the context of messages has changed completely. She admitted that we went 0-90 really fast and she needed to slow down. In my mind that means she wants to stop but she hasn't said that. I'm wondering if she is just afraid to say quits or if she is genuinely interested and is just taking her time. I know she really liked me and I think got scared that she liked someone so much. There have been things that make me think it could go either way and I'm to the point where I'm ready to stop pursuing all together, even though she has told me she really likes it(well of course she does!) For what it's worth we have been talking/seeing each other for 3 months...I figure it's time it either up or down.. I would love some opinions on what anybody thinks is going on here. I've heard to stop completely and I've heard to be there...I'm not gonna play games and I am not gonna play this much longer but I don't want to just stop all together. All answered are appreciated...thanks for reading!
dasein Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 When they say those kinds of things it's time to back off entirely and instantly start cultivating other options. People do not say those types of things when they are highly infatuated. She's had plenty of time for attraction to you to grow. There are one of three options, she is not into it any more, there are other men in the picture who are an unknown quantity and she wants to backburner you for attention until things solidify with another option, she is playing a manipulation game that has worked for her in the past to get what she wants or to get men in line with her agenda. Regardless, the best thing to do is remove yourself entirely from their lives and start seeing others. They simply don't say things like this when they are highly interested unless there is a dire crisis involved, death of loved one, dread disease, got fired, something similar. If there isn't some real big deal going on in their lives, time to fade out entirely.
dasein Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 You're welcome, I think your concerns deserve more input, threads can get lost here, so will bump you up to the top again.
USMCHokie Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I agree with dasein; when things regress like this so early on, it's usually a bad sign and probably a good time to consider the LAUNCH...but I can't help but laugh at the word "clarity"...she seriously used that word...? Sounds like she's too much of a chickensh*t to tell you straight up that she's no longer interested, or she wants o keep your around for a little attention until someone new comes along because you're convenient.
Author patagonia Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 Thanks both of you. She sent a nonchalant text last night around 10pm(first one of the day) It was so lame. The games have definitely started and I'm tired of them. We have a scheduled time tonight to talk about things and I told her last night that I was done pursuing her. She calls me during her lunch today(go figure more games) and I didn't answer. Looking forward to the @ss I make of myself tonight. Cheers for the help and the bump.
Yookie Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 My answer is against the general consensus here but when I ask someone for "clarity" that would mean I simply want to know what your intentions are in the relationship before continuing. I want to be CLEAR that we have the same relationship goals. After three months you should know if you want to make a commitment with her. Maybe you just want to keep it casual. I think she wants to know where you stand.
eerie_reverie Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Yes, especially given that u are recently divorced, she probably just wants to know where she stands with u.
snug.bunny Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 My answer is against the general consensus here but when I ask someone for "clarity" that would mean I simply want to know what your intentions are in the relationship before continuing. I want to be CLEAR that we have the same relationship goals. After three months you should know if you want to make a commitment with her. Maybe you just want to keep it casual. I think she wants to know where you stand. Me too. But, I would only ask for "clarity", if I liked the person enough and wasn't sure whether or not the feelings were mutual or if I thought there was a possibility that he was dating someone else or if I thought that things were going to fast for him based on comments he made and a lack of initiative. There is a difference between someone asking for clarity versus needing clarity because they aren't sure if they themselves are ready to be in a relationship. There is nothing that the OP described, that would indicate confusion on his part, since he has been quite persistent with asking her out, spending a significant amount of time with her, so on and so forth. It sounds like she kind of intervened after too much time had been spent together and is just trying to slow it down at this point. Whether or not she is being truthful, is entirely different. OP, "if" you want to give things a chance, talk to her and be open to what she has to say. Or, as the saying around here goes, bin it.
Author patagonia Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 (edited) Thank you eerie and bunny for your replies! Very insightful you are bunny. So I guess I need to be a little more clear...She want's clarity on her end. She knows where I stand. She asked if I could talk earlier so she called me from work and said that she didn't like the way our conversation last night went. I said I didn't like it either, etc etc. I proceeded to tell her that I felt like she was playing games with me. This in return offended her and she said that she felt like I was undermining her character. She also mentioned we got out of the 'knowing one another stage' too quickly, which I agreed with. She had to go but was to call me after she got off work. She calls me after work and we talk for a little bit. I apologized and asked for her forgiveness on anything I have said and admitted my faults. She dug into a little more 'issues'. The main one being that she feels as though I am not over my relationship with the ex wife. Of course I don't throw this back in her face as an undermining of my character and I just let it slide. She said she knows that is unfair of her to assume...uhhh yes!! We talk a little bit longer with a few "I don't knows" and stuff like that. We are supposed to have another conversation later tonight about things. I'm just trying to lay down a few basic ground rules so I know what is to be expected. I'm not trying to push the envelope right now so the only thing I'm really asking for is communication expectations and that we are on the same page with that. She says that she doesn't really know if she is going to get over this feeling of me not being over my ex... Who knows what to do at this point. I am tempted to just ask her for time. But that might be a waste of my time. I am noticing a trend here though which is she is starting to express all of the things that are bothering her and all of the things I say that bother her. I'm trying to start over and get a good grip on this, perhaps there is a better way of going at it...not talking might be my first rule lol Does anybody have any basic foundations or questions or things I should be doing for this conversation later tonight and or what would be a step in the right direction? Is not talking and letting us both figure things out the best step? I told her that I am willing to chill out and wait...I would ask her more questions and be honest like she is wanting me to be but so far that has just upset her. Thanks for reading and all the input! Edit* Bunny, what does the term "bin it" refer to? Edited November 7, 2011 by patagonia bin it
snug.bunny Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 Glad to hear it helped and that you were both able to communicate and put things into a bit more of a clearer perspective. I think both of your concerns are valid, but her question of whether or not you are over your ex is important, though maybe a bit presumptious on her part.? Something triggered that question...Was she aware that you JUST met her shortly after a failed attempt of reconciliation with your ex wife? If yes, then that may explain a few things. Things seemed to have gone off course a bit early on, and if two people try too hard (or too little) to get it back on course, sometimes it derails completely. My only word of advice, is to avoid getting into any heavy discussions over the phone. I think when/if an opportunity presents itself to talk to one another in person, it would pan out much better (I.E. "Let's table the heavy discussions for now, and come back to it at a later time where we can scratch each other's eyes out in person". But if she's delaying seeing you, not demonstrating any interest in seeing you, but rather pussyfooting around with it, then she's stalling and you shouldn't stand for it. PS. The term "Bin It" was mentioned by another LS member in a seperate thread, it pretty much means the end of the road (i.e. when things have proven to show that they are not working out). Some people use the term "launch" or "dump", it's just a term someone coined.
Author patagonia Posted November 8, 2011 Author Posted November 8, 2011 bunny yes she definitely knows that I met her just after trying to reconcile with the ex wife. I'm sure this could have something to do with it. It is presumptuous yes but at the same time I can understand the concern. There is however nothing I can really do about her feeling this way, other than time working it out. I totally agree with the deep conversations and the phone as it's so hard to present yourself without sounding harsh or inconsiderate. She did call tonight when she said she would and told me that her evening wasn't any better and that tonight wouldn't be a good night to talk about things. I offered my ear and concern and left it at that. She said she was feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Not good signals. I have to laugh about it even though it is a serious issue, there isn't much I can do about it. Re establishing our line of communication and trust is in my opinion the best thing to do right now. I told her I look forward to hearing from her soon and that I appreciate the time she gives me and look forward to getting to know her better(I know all the pua's say not to do, I don't really care). Time will work itself out Thanks for the input
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