Slipping into the Recluse lifestyle

[D-Lish]

Why do you think that if I may ask? How can there not be at least one right guy in the city you live in? Do you think that because you find the men lacking quality or do you feel you have low self-esteem?

 

I think my self esteem suffers from time to time, perhaps takes a hit after a failed relationship. I think it's more about lack of opportunity and motivation to meet someone. I'm pretty charming IRL, I've never met a person I couldn't elicit a belly laugh out of numerous times over the course of an evening- be it male or female.

 

I'm sure there are guys in my city that are single and would be a match for me- I've given up figuring out how to find them.

 

Your priorities shift focus the older you get D-lish and dating isn't as important as it used to be.. suddenly painting the guest room seems like a better idea since Christmas is coming up..

 

I also used to think I was going to never find someone who understood me.. that I would die alone.

I had to push myself to not be so reclusive.. as I was living the real reclusive lifestyle.. work 60-80 hrs during the week, go home and do chores and go back to work.. then on Friday night take off to the cabin in the mountains where I wouldn't speak to another human until Monday Morning at work...

 

I would push myself out of that and spend some weekends at home, intown and dating...

 

then...

 

I met my wife.. the rest is history.. of course.. she is kinda reclusive.. so we kinda do the same as when I was single.. other than I only work about 40-50 hrs during the week..

 

I think many people meet the loves of their lives after they have given up...

 

So, how did you meet your wife then?

[updown]

oh i can find a million things to occupy my time to avoid meeting people. i'm sure it's not good though. my thoughts head down the road of "you're not what men want." which is not healthy, i know.

 

i've been alone for 2 years now. been on like 1-2 dates. i have only met one person i would be interested in dating, and they were not interested in dating me, LOL. so........

 

i get sad and lonely at times. but, as long as i keep up with the things i want to do it doesn't seem quite so bad. i started p90x 3 weeks ago and i do it at night. so that fills up my evenings and gives me something to focus on all week. it's a nice schedule filler because it's 6-7 days a week and at least an hour each night. doesn't really leave time for anything else!

[snug.bunny]

I remember when myself and my best friend were both single at the same time, she would comment on it being difficult to pull me out of the house to go out. But that "once I was out, I was OUT" (meaning, once I out and about, I loved being out and about and could stay out for hours).

 

She was the complete opposite. She'd constantly want to go out but once we were out, she'd want to go home. At the same time, she hated being home because she would become overwhelmingly sad, so she pushed herself to go out constantly, even though she admittedly hated it. Her house was always a disarray/unorganized because she was always out and never had time to tend to it. She dated very frequently, every month I'd hear about a new guy she was dating and it not working out because she either didn't like him enough or he didn't like her enough, or he went back to his ex, or something or another.

 

I find for the most part, I enjoy both. Granted, there were times I'd come home after being out and felt sad/blue, other times I'd come home and be completely fine.

 

I differ in that during my last single period, I didn't date AT ALL. You (and my friend) at least put yourself out there (something I admire), whereas I shied away from it completely. In my head, I was like "okay, time to get back out there, go go go" but my heart was not in it. I cannot tell you how many times my family members told me, "snug.bunny, when are you going to start dating again" or "why aren't you putting yourself out there" and my eyes would swell up with tears.

 

I think the times where you take notice that you are not happy, are important to pay attention too because it's a sign that you aren't content with your current situation and you know it needs to change.

 

So, it may be that you are becoming exhausted from putting yourself out there and need a little down time from it. I don't know that it is good to date when the mind is in a sort of "auto-pilot" mode, some people function perfectly find under those circumstances, but if you start feeling tired from it all, I think that is a cue to ease off a little. That doesn't mean you have to become a complete hermit and shut yourself from the entire world, but maybe (as others have said) redirect some focus to other areas. The number one thing that helped me keep my sanity in check, was being involved with friends, family, leisurely activities, volunteering, sitting in my car or at the park reading, etc. Try to find things you enjoy doing and explore it.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have spent nearly 4 years living a reclusive lifestyle. I didn't date at all and barely went out (only for work functions really where everyone was married). I had a crush on my married boss and would go home each day and fantasize about him, do household chores, post on LS and watch movies. On the weekends, I enjoyed spending time by myself, reading, or gong for walks. I certainly wasn't happy and there was a low grade depression present but I was comfortable. I knew that I will be alone for the rest of my life and I was kinda OK with it.

 

I am not really sure what snapped but 2 years ago, I decided to actively try to meet people. I accepted every social invitation. I started online dating and dated 40 men who were all poor match for me. I was tired and closed my online dating accounts then. I was on my way back to being a recluse when my bff randomly dragged me to some party one Friday night. I was already in bed with a book but she was persistent. That's where I met my current boyfriend (who was also about to give up on dating). Not sure how it will all pan out (we now live together) - but my life is about 200% better

 

I suggest forcing yourself to go out as much as you can.

[Emilia]

When you are a part of an active, lively social group (as mine used to be before everyone got married and started having children)- it's easier to meet people. I was never at a loss for dates when I was part of a large group going out every every other evening.

 

It simply means finding a new way to date.

 

I've been looking into "meet up" groups and sporting activities to get involved with.

 

I'm 39, if I remember correctly I'm only 3 years younger than you.

 

I think there is a big difference between going out and do things that you enjoy and going out with the view to find suitable men every time. I also think that the old adage about finding someone when you are not looking is true. If you are looking for meetup singles groups, you will be disappointed because they are the same as the online dating crowd.

 

If you join meetup because they do activities that you really enjoy (not just the token hiking ones although that's good fun too) and to make friends, you will get much more out of it.

 

I think enjoying social interaction with people for the sake of it pays more than simply going out each time just to look for a mate. That's kind of boring and disheartening.

[D-Lish]

I'm 39, if I remember correctly I'm only 3 years younger than you.

 

I think there is a big difference between going out and do things that you enjoy and going out with the view to find suitable men every time. I also think that the old adage about finding someone when you are not looking is true. If you are looking for meetup singles groups, you will be disappointed because they are the same as the online dating crowd.

 

If you join meetup because they do activities that you really enjoy (not just the token hiking ones although that's good fun too) and to make friends, you will get much more out of it.

 

I think enjoying social interaction with people for the sake of it pays more than simply going out each time just to look for a mate. That's kind of boring and disheartening.

 

I'd be happy enough just forming a new solid social group, to meet single people in general- male and female. I love going out to dinner, so I've joined a couple of foodie groups. The meet up groups I am joining are mostly female. One is all ages, and the other is a woman's group.

 

When I do go out with my gf's (we normally do brunch on Sundays), I'm focused on catching up with them, not scouting the crowd for men.

[Nexus One]

I have spent nearly 4 years living a reclusive lifestyle. I didn't date at all and barely went out (only for work functions really where everyone was married). I had a crush on my married boss and would go home each day and fantasize about him, do household chores, post on LS and watch movies. On the weekends, I enjoyed spending time by myself, reading, or gong for walks. I certainly wasn't happy and there was a low grade depression present but I was comfortable. I knew that I will be alone for the rest of my life and I was kinda OK with it.

 

I am not really sure what snapped but 2 years ago, I decided to actively try to meet people. I accepted every social invitation. I started online dating and dated 40 men who were all poor match for me. I was tired and closed my online dating accounts then. I was on my way back to being a recluse when my bff randomly dragged me to some party one Friday night. I was already in bed with a book but she was persistent. That's where I met my current boyfriend (who was also about to give up on dating). Not sure how it will all pan out (we now live together) - but my life is about 200% better

 

I suggest forcing yourself to go out as much as you can.

 

That's great to hear ES.

[D-Lish]

I have spent nearly 4 years living a reclusive lifestyle. I didn't date at all and barely went out (only for work functions really where everyone was married). I had a crush on my married boss and would go home each day and fantasize about him, do household chores, post on LS and watch movies. On the weekends, I enjoyed spending time by myself, reading, or gong for walks. I certainly wasn't happy and there was a low grade depression present but I was comfortable. I knew that I will be alone for the rest of my life and I was kinda OK with it.

 

I am not really sure what snapped but 2 years ago, I decided to actively try to meet people. I accepted every social invitation. I started online dating and dated 40 men who were all poor match for me. I was tired and closed my online dating accounts then. I was on my way back to being a recluse when my bff randomly dragged me to some party one Friday night. I was already in bed with a book but she was persistent. That's where I met my current boyfriend (who was also about to give up on dating). Not sure how it will all pan out (we now live together) - but my life is about 200% better

 

I suggest forcing yourself to go out as much as you can.

 

That is good news ES.

 

Actually, writing this, putting it on paper has helped me to muster some motivation to be a more active participant in getting out there.

 

I've finally gotten my new place set up and decorated as I like it, and I look around and just feel so safe and comfortable inside these 4 walls.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Paper ... really ?

 

Could it be that the reason you go through these cycles of several yrs of solitude is because you decide to go for high standards at first after a breakup only to eventually give in after a few yrs ?

 

PS: Hope i haven't depressed you.

 

Most people in rebounds do the opposite...

 

As time goes by, my standards tend to become more resolute... not less...

[ThsAmericanLife]

That is good news ES.

 

Actually, writing this, putting it on paper has helped me to muster some motivation to be a more active participant in getting out there.

 

I've finally gotten my new place set up and decorated as I like it, and I look around and just feel so safe and comfortable inside these 4 walls.

 

I'm glad you are getting out there more!! You sound like you are doing alot better...

[Emilia]

I'd be happy enough just forming a new solid social group, to meet single people in general- male and female. I love going out to dinner, so I've joined a couple of foodie groups. The meet up groups I am joining are mostly female. One is all ages, and the other is a woman's group.

 

When I do go out with my gf's (we normally do brunch on Sundays), I'm focused on catching up with them, not scouting the crowd for men.

 

I wasn't attacking you, I know you see your friends to spend time with them.

 

'Meetup' is a very female thing to do because it's usually quite organised. Even the surfing one that I joined in London is predominantly used by women - despite their being less than 50% of the gender ratio - and that's because men prefer more spontaneous trips.

[D-Lish]

I wasn't attacking you, I know you see your friends to spend time with them.

 

'Meetup' is a very female thing to do because it's usually quite organised. Even the surfing one that I joined in London is predominantly used by women - despite their being less than 50% of the gender ratio - and that's because men prefer more spontaneous trips.

 

Oh I know you weren't, I didn't feel attacked at all. I have to say, developing a new friend group at this age is a bit of a daunting task. I went for the female groups because it would even be nice to just grab dinner with another female in a similar situation.

 

Meeting a man would be nice, but I'd be just as happy to develop some new friendships. Sunday brunch is fun, but I'd like to get out a little more than that!

[D-Lish]

Most people in rebounds do the opposite...

 

As time goes by, my standards tend to become more resolute... not less...

 

I'm the same. I'll usually date with less discrimination after a break up just to get out there. I'll tend to just date though, not get involved in a rebound type situation.

 

My standard for dating someone on a more serious level is always going to be higher regardless of the length of time in between relationships. I don't love spending 3 years single, but I'd rather be single than with someone that isn't right for me.

 

I have a date tomorrow, we'll see how it goes, it's a set up:eek:.

[Nexus One]

I have a date tomorrow, we'll see how it goes, it's a set up:eek:.

 

Good luck D-Lish.

[D-Lish]

Paper ... really ?

 

Could it be that the reason you go through these cycles of several yrs of solitude is because you decide to go for high standards at first after a breakup only to eventually give in after a few yrs ?

 

PS: Hope i haven't depressed you.

 

It's a "figure of speech" -> putting it in writing, or getting your thoughts out.

 

Nothing you've said has depressed me.

[ThsAmericanLife]

I'm the same. I'll usually date with less discrimination after a break up just to get out there. I'll tend to just date though, not get involved in a rebound type situation.

 

My standard for dating someone on a more serious level is always going to be higher regardless of the length of time in between relationships. I don't love spending 3 years single, but I'd rather be single than with someone that isn't right for me.

 

I have a date tomorrow, we'll see how it goes, it's a set up:eek:.

 

Good luck!! Sometimes it is good just to get out.

[D-Lish]

Good luck!! Sometimes it is good just to get out.

 

Agreed. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

I remember after I moved here, I left a room mate situation for a few months to a sub-let where I lived on my own for the first time since moving to the city. I explained that I was sitting on my balcony in this thriving Metropolis, watching the nightlife all around me, yet I was on my lap top on a Friday night in my pj's.

 

I'm trying to change that feeling of just being comfortable to throw in the towel.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Agreed. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

I remember after I moved here, I left a room mate situation for a few months to a sub-let where I lived on my own for the first time since moving to the city. I explained that I was sitting on my balcony in this thriving Metropolis, watching the nightlife all around me, yet I was on my lap top on a Friday night in my pj's.

 

I'm trying to change that feeling of just being comfortable to throw in the towel.

 

Do you have a 'bucket' list? You know, a list of things you want to do before you kick the bucket?

 

Not like you are anywhere close to that... but it can be inspiring... Having my fiancee die at such a young age was all the inspiration I needed.

 

Maybe you can find your own inspiration to get out and just DO what you've always wanted to do... rather than wait for the perfect man or life to enjoy it with (??).

[D-Lish]

Do you have a 'bucket' list? You know, a list of things you want to do before you kick the bucket?

 

Not like you are anywhere close to that... but it can be inspiring... Having my fiancee die at such a young age was all the inspiration I needed.

 

Maybe you can find your own inspiration to get out and just DO what you've always wanted to do... rather than wait for the perfect man or life to enjoy it with (??).

 

I don't have anything definitive in mind, but I do have some things I want to do in the back of my head. That's a good idea though, to put more thought into that. Travel is up there.

 

I had a date tonight, good company, but zero spark on my end. Regardless, he took me to an amazing french restaurant, and the food and ambience was spectacular. He had a groupon, so out total owing was under 20$- He kicked in for the balance and I insisted on paying the tip.

 

Having your fiance die must have been a horrific experience, I can't even imagine. Your advice is excellent.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Glad you had a good time! Sorry about the 'zero spark'. He sounds like a good chap though. Any chance of a second date to see if he grows on you?

 

About my fiancee... yes, life is full of challenges. I'm thankful for the time we spent and for the chance to get to know his kids. They are young men now... one of them is in Thailand with his GF teaching English as a second language (!!). Doing lots of diving/snorkeling (I'm so envious!)

 

I'm so proud of both of them. I'd like to think I had a teeny-weeny bit to do with their adventurous, fun-loving nature... even though I"m not their mom. We did lots of crazy stuff. Me and his kids...

 

But enough about me...

 

life is an adventure, at every stage... I'm curious to hear what you come up with!! Sounds like a topic for a new thread

[RecordProducer]

Motivation is the problem, a part of that being fear of judgement, rejection or failure. When I finish work, I come home and take the dogs for a walk, then I lock the door behind me and I feel relief that there is a big world outside my door that is locked out.

Hey D-Lish, I read almost the entire thread and you sound a lot like me. I get sort of depressed and lonely when I am single, and I don't feel like doing anything. Currently, I don't even feel like looking for love, because I am not the person I expect to be long-term. I am still in school with many issues unresolved. I don't want a rescuer, I want an equal partner. I don't have the confidence in me to attract the right person. My last marriage shattered my self-esteem in pieces, and since it was me who allowed that to happen, it's me who needs to mend the pieces together and put some new layers of strength around it.

 

But you don't seem to have those problems. You're not at an intersection in your life; it seems like you have it all (job, done with school, no problems hanging above your head) - you just need a partner to share your life with. So, that's a good start. Don't lower your criteria, not the important ones. You may give a chance to a guy who is not your type on the first sight or who makes less money than you or is not so well-rounded or wild or whatever soft criterion he doesn't meet. But you still need to fall in love. Otherwise, what's the point of having someone in your life? Imagine one of your male friends or acquaintances that you're not attracted to - would it be fun to spend 24/7 with him for the rest of your life? No.

 

The attraction and chemistry must be there in order to feel happiness. So, those are not the things we can compromise on. And I'm not saying the attraction should be there the first moment you lay your eyes on a man. With both my ex-husbands, I didn't have that love at first sight feeling, nor are they super-handsome men. But I don't think we're "whiney, bratty, picky" women, as another poster suggested earlier. As long as you're looking for the same qualities in a man that YOU have (more or less), you're entitled to be picky. If you're intelligent, funny, smart, sexy, pretty, youthful, sincere, kind, warm... yes, you're "allowed" to look for the same traits in a potential mate.

 

Finally, I think we need to consider the possibility that we may not ever meet Mr. Right and that's OK. Many people are single or in unsatisfying marriages, so we're not really black sheep. The reason why I think this is important is so that we can embrace the freedom and all it offers rather than close the door to the world behind it and feel miserable and lonely while impatiently awaiting our princes.

 

I like TheAmericanLife's bucket list. Frankly, I don't care to find friends to go to a night club and "just have fun." Sorry, but dancing with girls (or random guys who are trying to get into my pants) is not my idea of a fun night. But there are other things that I would want to do and which I can only do as a single woman: work in a few different countries for a year (in each). I'd also like to build a great career, make a difference in the community and write books. All those things you can't really do when you're distracted by "So... is your new secretary cute? Oh, she 60? Good!" or "Why didn't his mother even try my pancakes, she always does that to me! And she didn't comment on my Chicken-a-la-Normandie either."

 

Passionate women invets 200% in all they do: if we're focused on our career, we achieve a lot; iof we're focused on our marriages, we end up wrapped up in those emotions (good or bad), not leaving space for anything else. I think we meet the best people in life when we're pursuing something exciting for ourselves. E.g. my ex is very much into dancing, started when he was 20 or so, and he's met hundreds of people, many of whom became friends, dates or lovers through his dancing circle, because dancing involves lots of parties and partiesinvolves lots of people. In fact, I love dancing too and plan on taking lessons and attending those parties as soon as I'm done with school next year. It's also a great exercise!

[D-Lish]

Glad you had a good time! Sorry about the 'zero spark'. He sounds like a good chap though. Any chance of a second date to see if he grows on you?

 

About my fiancee... yes, life is full of challenges. I'm thankful for the time we spent and for the chance to get to know his kids. They are young men now... one of them is in Thailand with his GF teaching English as a second language (!!). Doing lots of diving/snorkeling (I'm so envious!)

 

I'm so proud of both of them. I'd like to think I had a teeny-weeny bit to do with their adventurous, fun-loving nature... even though I"m not their mom. We did lots of crazy stuff. Me and his kids...

 

But enough about me...

 

life is an adventure, at every stage... I'm curious to hear what you come up with!! Sounds like a topic for a new thread

 

No, not enough about you. Just knowing what you went through makes my quest for a new life a lot less heavy than what you (and other people) have faced and conquered.

 

A Divorce, some difficult break up's and a quest for a new social life doesn't compare to the pre-mature death of someone you love. It's tantamount to lamenting about a bruise to a cancer survivor.

 

Sometimes you get to feeling sorry about yourself, and someone comes along with a much more difficult hurdle they've overcome- and it makes you realize that your bruise isn't as significant a problem as you make it out to be.

 

You being so positive and pro-active in your own situation has helped me re-think things.

[D-Lish]

Hey D-Lish, I read almost the entire thread and you sound a lot like me. I get sort of depressed and lonely when I am single, and I don't feel like doing anything. Currently, I don't even feel like looking for love, because I am not the person I expect to be long-term. I am still in school with many issues unresolved. I don't want a rescuer, I want an equal partner. I don't have the confidence in me to attract the right person. My last marriage shattered my self-esteem in pieces, and since it was me who allowed that to happen, it's me who needs to mend the pieces together and put some new layers of strength around it.

 

But you don't seem to have those problems. You're not at an intersection in your life; it seems like you have it all (job, done with school, no problems hanging above your head) - you just need a partner to share your life with. So, that's a good start. Don't lower your criteria, not the important ones. You may give a chance to a guy who is not your type on the first sight or who makes less money than you or is not so well-rounded or wild or whatever soft criterion he doesn't meet. But you still need to fall in love. Otherwise, what's the point of having someone in your life? Imagine one of your male friends or acquaintances that you're not attracted to - would it be fun to spend 24/7 with him for the rest of your life? No.

 

The attraction and chemistry must be there in order to feel happiness. So, those are not the things we can compromise on. And I'm not saying the attraction should be there the first moment you lay your eyes on a man. With both my ex-husbands, I didn't have that love at first sight feeling, nor are they super-handsome men. But I don't think we're "whiney, bratty, picky" women, as another poster suggested earlier. As long as you're looking for the same qualities in a man that YOU have (more or less), you're entitled to be picky. If you're intelligent, funny, smart, sexy, pretty, youthful, sincere, kind, warm... yes, you're "allowed" to look for the same traits in a potential mate.

 

Finally, I think we need to consider the possibility that we may not ever meet Mr. Right and that's OK. Many people are single or in unsatisfying marriages, so we're not really black sheep. The reason why I think this is important is so that we can embrace the freedom and all it offers rather than close the door to the world behind it and feel miserable and lonely while impatiently awaiting our princes.

 

I like TheAmericanLife's bucket list. Frankly, I don't care to find friends to go to a night club and "just have fun." Sorry, but dancing with girls (or random guys who are trying to get into my pants) is not my idea of a fun night. But there are other things that I would want to do and which I can only do as a single woman: work in a few different countries for a year (in each). I'd also like to build a great career, make a difference in the community and write books. All those things you can't really do when you're distracted by "So... is your new secretary cute? Oh, she 60? Good!" or "Why didn't his mother even try my pancakes, she always does that to me! And she didn't comment on my Chicken-a-la-Normandie either."

 

Passionate women invets 200% in all they do: if we're focused on our career, we achieve a lot; iof we're focused on our marriages, we end up wrapped up in those emotions (good or bad), not leaving space for anything else. I think we meet the best people in life when we're pursuing something exciting for ourselves. E.g. my ex is very much into dancing, started when he was 20 or so, and he's met hundreds of people, many of whom became friends, dates or lovers through his dancing circle, because dancing involves lots of parties and partiesinvolves lots of people. In fact, I love dancing too and plan on taking lessons and attending those parties as soon as I'm done with school next year. It's also a great exercise!

 

Well you're right. If I look at my long term friend group- there are far too many of my female friends in unhappy marriages (their h's are most likely living the unhappy life as well). It's better to be single and a little lonely, than be in a relationship and feel lonely.

[jerbear]

I think we meet the best people in life when we're pursuing something exciting for ourselves. E.g. my ex is very much into dancing, started when he was 20 or so, and he's met hundreds of people, many of whom became friends, dates or lovers through his dancing circle, because dancing involves lots of parties and parties involves lots of people. In fact, I love dancing too and plan on taking lessons and attending those parties as soon as I'm done with school next year. It's also a great exercise!

 

That is so true, I've met a few people through learning to dance. It is good exercise, 300 calories within 30 minutes.

[jerbear]

Well you're right. If I look at my long term friend group- there are far too many of my female friends in unhappy marriages (their h's are most likely living the unhappy life as well). It's better to be single and a little lonely, than be in a relationship and feel lonely.

 

True but you shouldn't let them scare you off. I know what you mean by being lonely. Recluse as in staying home most days.

 

It is good that you've went on a date, even with no spark. Nothing wrong with that.