Slipping into the Recluse lifestyle

[Dust]

I'll close the blinds and watch a movie by myself before I'll settle.

 

Settling isn't a good option. Girls who settle often get screwed over by the guys they've settled for.

[irc333]

Exactly, a good Today Show article "Why is okay to settle for Mr Good Enough" is very interesting, it hits on how women have kept themselves chronically single.

 

 

I had been watching these Matchmaker shows on TV, I like the new one called, "How come am I still single"

 

And a couple of others.

 

One woman never even came back at the end of the show for a follow-up, because she was overly critical with the men she was set up with by the matchmaker, she was a total witch to the men when they first met.

 

The matchmaker told he staff she bailed on her, and just concluded that woman wasn't ready to even date at all, at least not right now. Chances are this woman will wind up being reclusive. lol (no offense to the OP). Are some willing to die alone rather than date a guy under 6 feet tall?

 

I have to laugh at how long I've seen these ladies personal ads on these sites, some of the same faces among different dating sites as well.

 

There's another woman in my local area that I see on POF all the time, attractive, and it's funny she recently updated her profile saying why's she's resorted to a dating site. One was the fact she won't date co-workers (which makes sense), and the other is that her friends had tried to introduce her to guys she's had no interest in. (she was probably overly critical of said guys)

 

Some people are just so spoiled that they expect to have it all, even when they don't bring much to the table themselves.

 

 

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't a woman having to be attracted to a man before she married him a recent occurrence in human society?

 

And I think that is a big cause of all this loneliness misery.

 

Good women who are very picky aren't doing anybody any favors by staying single.

 

A part of me just want's to say, "suck it up and marry the best one you find, whether you have chemistry with him or not."

 

But people aren't going to think that's romantic or whatever. So F it.

Edited November 11, 2011 by irc333

[Emilia]

Settling isn't a good option. Girls who settle often get screwed over by the guys they've settled for.

 

Absolutely. A complete misery for both parties

[Emilia]

I'm not sure if you know what I'm talking about, but let me clarify with an example.

 

A woman who is height obsessed and will only limit herself to only men 6 feet or taller. That's what I meant. Or not dating a bald guy, if one won't budge on something., etc

 

Then those women haven't dated enough to realise when you meet someone amazing all your preconceived ideas of what's attractive go straight out of the window.

[oaks]

There's another woman in my local area that I see on POF all the time, attractive, and it's funny she recently updated her profile saying why's she's resorted to a dating site.

 

Anyone who describes online dating as a last resort in their online dating profile, or uses a phrase like "I can't believe it's come to this." is someone who I wouldn't want to date. What next, would she think she's "doing a favour" for any guy she goes on a date with?

 

IRC, we've both wasted too much time on this woman by even talking about her. Next!

[somedude81]

Exactly, a good Today Show article "Why is okay to settle for Mr Good Enough" is very interesting, it hits on how women have kept themselves chronically single.

 

 

I had been watching these Matchmaker shows on TV, I like the new one called, "How come am I still single"

 

And a couple of others.

 

One woman never even came back at the end of the show for a follow-up, because she was overly critical with the men she was set up with by the matchmaker, she was a total witch to the men when they first met.

 

The matchmaker told he staff she bailed on her, and just concluded that woman wasn't ready to even date at all, at least not right now. Chances are this woman will wind up being reclusive. lol (no offense to the OP). Are some willing to die alone rather than date a guy under 6 feet tall?

 

I have to laugh at how long I've seen these ladies personal ads on these sites, some of the same faces among different dating sites as well.

 

There's another woman in my local area that I see on POF all the time, attractive, and it's funny she recently updated her profile saying why's she's resorted to a dating site. One was the fact she won't date co-workers (which makes sense), and the other is that her friends had tried to introduce her to guys she's had no interest in. (she was probably overly critical of said guys)

 

Some people are just so spoiled that they expect to have it all, even when they don't bring much to the table themselves.

Interesting stuff.

 

I think it's just silly on how men have to settle, while women vehemently refuse.

 

I might make a thread about later as I don't want to drive this one off-topic anymore.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't a woman having to be attracted to a man before she married him a recent occurrence in human society?

 

Are you talking about the "good old days" when a girl was the possession of her father, and he was in charge of arranging her marriage? Or maybe the "good old days" when it was often a requirement for a woman to be supported financially by a man (husband, father or even brothers) because she was by and large excluded from earning her own keep in the workforce?

 

Maybe I'm just whacky, but that sounds a lot more miserable than me getting to choose my own husband based upon my standards. Which happen to include being ATTRACTED to the man. It's the ATTRACTION that separates the potential romantic partners from male friends and acquaintances.

 

 

A part of me just want's to say, "suck it up and marry the best one you find, whether you have chemistry with him or not."

 

Well, that might be good advice for a woman who is simply desperate to get married, and for whom marriage is the most valued goal for her life. And there are such people.

 

There happen to be lots of women who are leading fulfilling lives, single. They might experience some loneliness, but that is acceptable.

 

If they want to come here and talk about their difficulties in finding a man who is right FOR THEM, what's the problem with it?

 

Like D, and like most other people who have a reasonably good life and sense of self, I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than "cleave unto" a man who was not suitable for me, regardless of his "goodness" or "niceness."

 

If you need another person to "complete" you, I think you need to do some serious work on yourself - before you will even have much to offer another person.

 

Same goes for if you really believe that just because you consider yourself "nice" or "good" and you have a job, women should be giving themselves to you like they owe it to you.

[Mme. Chaucer]

You know what? If a woman refuses to date a man who is under 6 feet tall, that is HER problem, not the problem of the guys who are under 6 feet tall.

 

Just like a guy who only wants to date women under 30 years old stopped being any kind of a problem to me decades ago.

 

Nobody "has to settle." Everybody, however, has to understand the concept and be willing to compromise, if they actually want to share their life with somebody else. Not so much because they might consider a "7" rather than a "10" , but because having a relationship with ANYONE is WORK and compromise is required. Especially if you are talking about marriage.

[irc333]

That's a problem with a lot single women these days (esp for those over 40, never married, etc)..

 

Even their own friends and family realize they're too picky, and when your peers start to point that out and notice how unbelievably picky their last friend (who is single) is, you know there's an issue with her criteria of being quite disturbingly unrealistic.

 

I would imagine men can be this way, but I think this more prominent in the single women in community.

 

They even did a Dr. Phil show on women like this.

 

Matchmakers have bigger issues with whiney / bratty / picky women bailing on them because the matchmaker couldn't find ANYONE for them.

 

No one is ever good enough.

 

Personally, if a woman "settles" I honestly believe she would not be unhappy.

 

 

Nobody "has to settle."

Sure they should, they should pass a law making women pair up with men that they might not necessarily be attracted to. j/k

 

"You'll date him and you'll LEARN to like it!" LOL

 

 

 

 

Are you talking about the "good old days" when a girl was the possession of her father, and he was in charge of arranging her marriage? Or maybe the "good old days" when it was often a requirement for a woman to be supported financially by a man (husband, father or even brothers) because she was by and large excluded from earning her own keep in the workforce?

 

Maybe I'm just whacky, but that sounds a lot more miserable than me getting to choose my own husband based upon my standards. Which happen to include being ATTRACTED to the man. It's the ATTRACTION that separates the potential romantic partners from male friends and acquaintances.

 

 

 

 

Well, that might be good advice for a woman who is simply desperate to get married, and for whom marriage is the most valued goal for her life. And there are such people.

 

There happen to be lots of women who are leading fulfilling lives, single. They might experience some loneliness, but that is acceptable.

 

If they want to come here and talk about their difficulties in finding a man who is right FOR THEM, what's the problem with it?

 

Like D, and like most other people who have a reasonably good life and sense of self, I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than "cleave unto" a man who was not suitable for me, regardless of his "goodness" or "niceness."

 

If you need another person to "complete" you, I think you need to do some serious work on yourself - before you will even have much to offer another person.

 

Same goes for if you really believe that just because you consider yourself "nice" or "good" and you have a job, women should be giving themselves to you like they owe it to you.

[Woggle]

The number one rule for both genders is that you should be able to live by your own standards. Don't ask for anything you can't deliver yourself.

[D-Lish]

I personally don't have a problem dating shorter men. The last 3 guys I've dated have been 5'9" and under (I'm 5'7").

 

I'm a little picky, sure- but not about looks- it's more cerebral for me than anything else. It's more about meeting someone decent that is witty and fun- intelligent and strong.

 

I'd take an average looking short guy over some tall hot guy with zero personality lacking in brain cells. I'm not really into hot guys. I look more for cute and quirky.

 

I don't mesh well with conservative types, and I don't mesh well with men harbouring negative attitudes.

 

I'm sure I'd do quite well with a matchmaker doing some leg work for me.

[Nexus One]

I'm a little picky, sure- but not about looks- it's more cerebral for me than anything else.

 

Are you sure about that? Because I can remember you once mentioned that you at some point lost attraction to your husband. If it was physical attraction you were talking about, then perhaps looks are subconsciously more important to you than you think.

Edited November 13, 2011 by Nexus One

[D-Lish]

Are you sure about that? Because I can remember you once mentioned that you at some point lost attraction to your husband. If it was physical attraction you were talking about, then perhaps looks are subconsciously more important to you than you think.

 

I lost respect for my exH actually, which played into losing sexual attraction for him. His mother was a passive aggressive tyrant and she was so awful to me. He never stood up for me- not ever, not ONCE. She would start in on me at a family gathering and he would WALK AWAY and leave me to fend for myself. After 6 or 7 years of being harrassed and abused by his mother (both of us)- I lost my attraction to him when he didn't stand up for himself, or me.

 

She beat his self esteem (and mine) into the ground, and it was bad enough that he took it- but the fact that he never defended me from it just took its toll on our marriage and sexual relationship. It changed the way I viewed him as a husband and lover.

 

Nexus, If I showed you pictures of my ex bf's over the years, my exH would be the hottest of them all. He was a cross between Matt Damon and Brad Pitt- and still looks great to this day. He became less sexually attractive to me after dealing with years of watching how he bowed down to his mother like a 4 year old child. His mother could make him sob like a baby in a heartbeat. He sobbed often after conversations with his mother- and he cried everytime we fought about something.

 

She would invite US for dinner, and we'd get there and she'd see me and express a "sigh" of disappointment. Then we'd get to the dinner table and there would be no place set for me and she'd make a big ordeal in front of the entire family, grabbing a plate that didn't "match" the rest and making it look like she was annoyed trying to squeeze me in. All this after formally inviting "us". He'd say nothing. She would even mention my weight on a constant basis publically, in front of the family (and I wasn't close to being overweight). I'm actually underweight now as a result of being exposed to this woman and her quips.

 

I was her daughter-in-law, and HIS wife- he never once supported me when she went after me- that's why I lost respect and eventually, sexual attraction for him. It had nothing to do with him not being physically good looking anymore. He was six years younger than me, and in very good physical shape. That ceased to matter after losing respect for him.

 

That's what happened there.

[Nexus One]

I lost respect for my exH actually, which played into losing sexual attraction for him. His mother was a passive aggressive tyrant and she was so awful to me. He never stood up for me- not ever, not ONCE. She would start in on me at a family gathering and he would WALK AWAY and leave me to fend for myself. After 6 or 7 years of being harrassed and abused by his mother (both of us)- I lost my attraction to him when he didn't stand up for himself, or me.

 

She beat his self esteem (and mine) into the ground, and it was bad enough that he took it- but the fact that he never defended me from it just took its toll on our marriage and sexual relationship. It changed the way I viewed him as a husband and lover.

 

Nexus, If I showed you pictures of my ex bf's over the years, my exH would be the hottest of them all. He was a cross between Matt Damon and Brad Pitt- and still looks great to this day. He became less sexually attractive to me after dealing with years of watching how he bowed down to his mother like a 4 year old child. His mother could make him sob like a baby in a heartbeat. He sobbed often after conversations with his mother- and he cried everytime we fought about something.

 

She would invite US for dinner, and we'd get there and she'd see me and express a "sigh" of disappointment. Then we'd get to the dinner table and there would be no place set for me and she'd make a big ordeal in front of the entire family, grabbing a plate that didn't "match" the rest and making it look like she was annoyed trying to squeeze me in. All this after formally inviting "us". He'd say nothing. She would even mention my weight on a constant basis publically, in front of the family (and I wasn't close to being overweight). I'm actually underweight now as a result of being exposed to this woman and her quips.

 

I was her daughter-in-law, and HIS wife- he never once supported me when she went after me- that's why I lost respect and eventually, sexual attraction for him. It had nothing to do with him not being physically good looking anymore. He was six years younger than me, and in very good physical shape. That ceased to matter after losing respect for him.

 

That's what happened there.

 

That explains it, makes complete sense. Good post D-Lish.

[D-Lish]

That explains it, makes complete sense. Good post D-Lish.

 

Thanks, didn't want you to think I was shallow:rolleyes:.

 

It's surreal to walk down the aisle a little over 10 years ago, believing you are on a certain course in life- to posting on LS about accepting defeat and becoming a recluse.

 

My safe haven ten years ago was more social oriented than it is now. Alas, perhaps that comes from getting burned too many times.

[Nexus One]

Thanks, didn't want you to think I was shallow:rolleyes:.

 

I never thought you were D-Lish.

 

It's surreal to walk down the aisle a little over 10 years ago, believing you are on a certain course in life- to posting on LS about accepting defeat and becoming a recluse.

 

My safe haven ten years ago was more social oriented than it is now. Alas, perhaps that comes from getting burned too many times.

 

Very well possible, pulling out of a more social life can be a self-defense mechanism.

[ErgoStep]

Thanks, didn't want you to think I was shallow:rolleyes:.

 

It's surreal to walk down the aisle a little over 10 years ago, believing you are on a certain course in life- to posting on LS about accepting defeat and becoming a recluse.

 

My safe haven ten years ago was more social oriented than it is now. Alas, perhaps that comes from getting burned too many times.

 

Posts: 14,525

 

Posting on LS appears to be your social life.

[Dust]

Thanks, didn't want you to think I was shallow:rolleyes:.

 

It's surreal to walk down the aisle a little over 10 years ago, believing you are on a certain course in life- to posting on LS about accepting defeat and becoming a recluse.

 

My safe haven ten years ago was more social oriented than it is now. Alas, perhaps that comes from getting burned too many times.

 

Darn and I never got my chance to burn you and that hot bod of yours

[Emilia]

 

It's surreal to walk down the aisle a little over 10 years ago, believing you are on a certain course in life- to posting on LS about accepting defeat and becoming a recluse.

 

My safe haven ten years ago was more social oriented than it is now. Alas, perhaps that comes from getting burned too many times.

 

Why? What does your dating life have to do with the quality of your social life? I know you mentioned most of your friends have paired off. What about the single ones? Making new acquaintances perhaps?

[D-Lish]

Posts: 14,525

 

Posting on LS appears to be your social life.

 

Well, I've been a member for over 5 years and average under 8 posts a day.

 

According to your statistics, you average almost 70 posts a day, all in one weekend.

[D-Lish]

Why? What does your dating life have to do with the quality of your social life? I know you mentioned most of your friends have paired off. What about the single ones? Making new acquaintances perhaps?

 

When you are a part of an active, lively social group (as mine used to be before everyone got married and started having children)- it's easier to meet people. I was never at a loss for dates when I was part of a large group going out every every other evening.

 

It simply means finding a new way to date.

 

I've been looking into "meet up" groups and sporting activities to get involved with.

[updown]

i'm a couple years younger than you and i'm finding it very easy to not go out. it seems to get easier and easier too. kinda unnerving.....

[D-Lish]

i'm a couple years younger than you and i'm finding it very easy to not go out. it seems to get easier and easier too. kinda unnerving.....

 

It feels as such because it's tantamount to giving up. You don't want to give up, but you're tired. I know I am tired of dating. I've allowed this notion to infiltrate my brain that I'm never going to meet the right person, so I have instead sought out the solace of locking myself into my apartment instead of being an active participant in a social life I once loved.

[Nexus One]

It feels as such because it's tantamount to giving up. You don't want to give up, but you're tired. I know I am tired of dating. I've allowed this notion to infiltrate my brain that I'm never going to meet the right person, so I have instead sought out the solace of locking myself into my apartment instead of being an active participant in a social life I once loved.

 

Why do you think that if I may ask? How can there not be at least one right guy in the city you live in? Do you think that because you find the men lacking quality or do you feel you have low self-esteem?

[Art_Critic]

It feels as such because it's tantamount to giving up. You don't want to give up, but you're tired. I know I am tired of dating. I've allowed this notion to infiltrate my brain that I'm never going to meet the right person, so I have instead sought out the solace of locking myself into my apartment instead of being an active participant in a social life I once loved.

 

Your priorities shift focus the older you get D-lish and dating isn't as important as it used to be.. suddenly painting the guest room seems like a better idea since Christmas is coming up..

 

I also used to think I was going to never find someone who understood me.. that I would die alone.

I had to push myself to not be so reclusive.. as I was living the real reclusive lifestyle.. work 60-80 hrs during the week, go home and do chores and go back to work.. then on Friday night take off to the cabin in the mountains where I wouldn't speak to another human until Monday Morning at work...

 

I would push myself out of that and spend some weekends at home, intown and dating...

 

then...

 

I met my wife.. the rest is history.. of course.. she is kinda reclusive.. so we kinda do the same as when I was single.. other than I only work about 40-50 hrs during the week..

 

I think many people meet the loves of their lives after they have given up...so yours is just around the corner girl....

Edited November 14, 2011 by Art_Critic