Slipping into the Recluse lifestyle

[irc333]

Interesting read.....and you're not alone. I have noticed a lot of women preferring the online social scene than the real world.

 

For instance, in other discussions, I've heard how women dislike men approaching them in a public place like a gym, bookstore, line at a grocery store (or line anywhere) or other public venues.

 

It seems when women are out running errands or shopping, they're there to "get in/get out" and not be pestered by a single guy trying to talk to them , flirt, or whatever. In fact, it's been known to annoy some women.

 

Then they get home, lock the doors, and turn on their computers, and sign on to whatever dating site they're subscribed to, given the freedom to delete or ignore emails that come to them, they're in control as opposed to having to act nice or be short with a man in public.

 

Not saying the OP is like this entirely, but there are similarties that led to the reclusive lifestyle involving spending more time on the internet with people instead of out and about.

 

Esp. in these smaller towns. Attractive woman moves into smaller town from the big city to be closer to parents and old high school friends....realize everyone is married so they jump on a dating site.

 

It's like the internet has promoted exclusivity in some. Gone are the days where said public venues like house parties, public places, etc where women were more receptive to being approached.

[ja123]

Well, you're partialy right, I am very good at being a social butterfuly, but more comfortable locking myself inside a safe room- my isolation.

 

I do go to work everyday, I do force myself to meet up with dating perspectives... People in the outside world that "know me", don't know my perpensity to lock myself down and isolate myself. Everyone thinks I am incredibly social. Mostly because once I get out there, I am- it's the leaving my comfort zone that is always the road block.

 

I also do covet my alone time. I am a very skilled actress when it comes to being social and hiding my anxiety- something I've learned over the years. Not overcome, but have learned to compensate for.

 

Motivation is the problem, a part of that being fear of judgement, rejection or failure. When I finish work, I come home and take the dogs for a walk, then I lock the door behind me and I feel relief that there is a big world outside my door that is locked out.

 

Opening the door the next morning and starting my day again gives me great anxiety.

 

I can relate to some of that. Right now, I'm in an existential crisis (accompanied by lots of anxiety). Partly it would be good for me to be with someone right now (a sense of belonging, a sense of meaning), yet a part of me has become such a skeptic (or maybe that's my own fear masquerading as skepticism) that I've stopped trying. Fear of what? Rejection, judgment. So, I have a push-pull thing happening.

[danmorisson]

I'm a recluse. Can't blame me for not going out though. What is there to go out for? I have no friends. Nobody likes you if you're unattractive or if you've never had a girlfriend.

[ja123]

Nothing wrong with that. I did the same thing before meeting my fiance.

 

Just make your life about you. Do hobbies, travel, work in the career, etc. Make yourself happy and fulfill yourself in life. If you happen to accidentally meet a great guy, go for it...but until then ignore the social pressures to find a man.

 

That sounds pretty solid.

[D-Lish]

Interesting read.....and you're not alone. I have noticed a lot of women preferring the online social scene than the real world.

 

For instance, in other discussions, I've heard how women dislike men approaching them in a public place like a gym, bookstore, line at a grocery store (or line anywhere) or other public venues.

 

It seems when women are out running errands or shopping, they're there to "get in/get out" and not be pestered by a single guy trying to talk to them , flirt, or whatever. In fact, it's been known to annoy some women.

 

Then they get home, lock the doors, and turn on their computers, and sign on to whatever dating site they're subscribed to, given the freedom to delete or ignore emails that come to them, they're in control as opposed to having to act nice or be short with a man in public.

 

Not saying the OP is like this entirely, but there are similarties that led to the reclusive lifestyle involving spending more time on the internet with people instead of out and about.

 

Esp. in these smaller towns. Attractive woman moves into smaller town from the big city to be closer to parents and old high school friends....realize everyone is married so they jump on a dating site.

 

It's like the internet has promoted exclusivity in some. Gone are the days where said public venues like house parties, public places, etc where women were more receptive to being approached.

 

I would be open to being approached in public should it happen. For the most part I find that men don't approach you- they might make eye contact, and I'll return it with a smile- but that's as far as it goes.

 

The few times I've seen men approach outside of a bar scene has impressed me. I know it takes a lot of balls to muster up the courage to say hello.

 

I'm a recluse. Can't blame me for not going out though. What is there to go out for? I have no friends. Nobody likes you if you're unattractive or if you've never had a girlfriend.

 

But no one can know you either if you don't put yourself out there.

[Nexus One]

I would be open to being approached in public should it happen. For the most part I find that men don't approach you- they might make eye contact, and I'll return it with a smile- but that's as far as it goes.

 

It's possible that they interpret your smile as general friendliness. Or they're hesitant or they're in a relationship already.

 

You know what would be a very obvious smile? Smiling while biting on your pinky while keeping unbroken eye contact.

 

I'm kidding D-Lish. Although I have seen a player do this, while I was having dinner with him in a restaurant. He did that at a woman who was having dinner with her boyfriend. Oh my goodness, I was so embarrassed for the both of us. She was laughing and seemed to actually enjoy the attention and her boyfriend gave a look in our direction that could kill, but he didn't say anything to us or her.

 

Most guys only hesitate when the woman is very beautiful, so maybe that tells you something D-Lish.

Edited November 9, 2011 by Nexus One

[D-Lish]

It's possible that they interpret your smile as general friendliness. Or they're hesitant or they're in a relationship already.

 

You know what would be a very obvious smile? Smiling while biting on your pinky while keeping unbroken eye contact.

 

I'm kidding D-Lish. Although I have seen a player do this, while I was having dinner with him in a restaurant. He did that at a woman who was having dinner with her boyfriend. Oh my goodness, I was so embarrassed for the both of us. She was laughing and seemed to actually enjoy the attention and her boyfriend gave a look in our direction that could kill, but he didn't say anything to us or her.

 

Most guys only hesitate when the woman is very beautiful, so maybe that tells you something D-Lish.

 

Do you/would you approach a woman you found attractive in public?

 

I think the last time a guy "approached me in public" was when I was taking out the recycling last week behind my building. A construction dude working next door on a new building 2 stories up tried chatting me up. It occurred to me, from his vantage point, he could probably see right down my shirt:eek:.

 

Construction workers are bold and shameless.

 

I walked past a guy sitting on a patio having coffee the other day and he was my type and close to my age. We made eye contact forever, but he didn't take the opportunity to say anything:(.

 

I don't really have any hobbies- not that I have a lot of time for. There is a baseball park beside my place, and there are a few cute guys that shag fly balls every Sunday. I picked up my baseball glove from my parents the other day and might muster up the courage to ask if I can join in next weekend. I ususally walk my dogs past them and we exchange smiles. I fear they might just be wanting some guy time though and might not be open to a girl asking to join in.

 

I have been playing ball since I was 6. I always relished the first time I would go up to bat against a new team while playing mixed ball, and all the guys in the outfield would move in to the edge of the green- I'd whack the ball way over their heads and shock the crap out of them.

 

Maybe I could join a mixed league of some sort- I grew up playing street hockey living in an all boys neighbourhood- and I noticed there is a mixed indoor league not too far from where I am just accepting registration.

[jerbear]

Do you/would you approach a woman you found attractive in public?

I do! Especially if they have those mesmerizing eyes. The ones that you can't divert your attention.

 

I think the last time a guy "approached me in public" was when I was taking out the recycling last week behind my building. A construction dude working next door on a new building 2 stories up tried chatting me up. It occurred to me, from his vantage point, he could probably see right down my shirt:eek:.

 

Construction workers are bold and shameless.

Yes they are. My dad works with many of them. They ALWAYS look and whistle at the college girls at my Alma Mater.

 

I said to them, don't do it to often especially when the university has anti-sexual harassment clauses. i.e. fire the sub-contractor or EVERY contractor & sub gets fired; plus the university will pay up to that day.

 

I walked past a guy sitting on a patio having coffee the other day and he was my type and close to my age. We made eye contact forever, but he didn't take the opportunity to say anything:(.

 

I don't really have any hobbies- not that I have a lot of time for. There is a baseball park beside my place, and there are a few cute guys that shag fly balls every Sunday. I picked up my baseball glove from my parents the other day and might muster up the courage to ask if I can join in next weekend. I ususally walk my dogs past them and we exchange smiles. I fear they might just be wanting some guy time though and might not be open to a girl asking to join in.

 

I have been playing ball since I was 6. I always relished the first time I would go up to bat against a new team while playing mixed ball, and all the guys in the outfield would move in to the edge of the green- I'd whack the ball way over their heads and shock the crap out of them.

 

Maybe I could join a mixed league of some sort- I grew up playing street hockey living in an all boys neighbourhood- and I noticed there is a mixed indoor league not too far from where I am just accepting registration.

 

It is a good idea to try to join the league and get some hobbies. Might help you be giddy like a little school girl again. Like the other avatar with the pout.

[Nexus One]

Do you/would you approach a woman you found attractive in public?

 

Yes, I would, it's why I had special business cards printed to account for situations where there's little time to exchange contact information.

 

However, I'll only consider doing it if she sweeps me off my feet in terms of looks or is near "that range". The reason for that is simply because when I don't know her yet, then I don't know her personality and there's no bond/connection yet, so then I can only go by looks, i.e. how her looks make me feel.

 

When it comes to the perspective of relationship oriented guys in general, a woman's looks are her "carrot on a stick", it can draw a man's attention causing him to want to know WHO is holding the stick. I think it was Hokie who said: "Looks get you through the door, personality keeps you in the house" or something like that. I agree with that, it is genuinely how it feels when it comes to anonymous women in public.

 

I generally feel attracted to a woman more easily if I know her personality, but when it comes to anonymous women in public, then that's not something you can directly see, unless she's extroverted. That's probably why extroverted women have so much success with attracting guys, as they allow a guy to get a glimpse of their personality, which in turn can make him more susceptible to feeling attracted to her.

 

Introverted women will have to rely on their looks in public. Because there's nothing else that can grab a guy's attention unless she's doing something out of the ordinary. Introverted women have it harder for sure.

 

However, women that are very beautiful can have a problem too in this regard. Because guys can be intimidated by their beauty and hence hesitate to approach.

 

And that might be a problem you're having D-Lish. Beauty can intimidate guys, they then start doubting themselves and thinking about whether they're in your league. I don't remember how you and your ex met, but like you said, throughout the relationship he was wondering if he could meet your expectations. And it's exactly that feeling that can keep a guy from hitting on a woman in public.

 

There are several things you can try to get around that, but they're not full proof.

 

- Starting a conversation with him. I know you don't want to hit on guys yourself, but that's not what I mean. A positive conversation can set a foundation for him to "shoot and score". You'll merely be putting the ball in front of the goal.

 

- Very obvious reciprocation. You mentioned you smile, that's definitely good, that's a universal signal for men that you like them. However some guys confuse that with general friendliness, so for those guys you'd need a more obvious approach. They could also be in a relationship already, so then there's nothing you could do either way.

 

- And lastly, hitting on a guy yourself. I know you don't want to do that. But you know what it is D-Lish. Most often it's probably a very specific person that really rings your bell, so in that case there's not much that can be done than to do it yourself. As you too need looks to crush and stay attracted and if you're picky like me, then you probably have a fairly specific taste. You can probably imagine the type of guy that can keep you hooked throughout an LTR, but they don't come along every day. Sometimes there is just a very small window of opportunity to get exactly the kind of guy that you know can keep you hooked if his personality will turn out to be decent enough.

 

The catch is of course that none of this guarantees success, but that's life.

Edited November 9, 2011 by Nexus One

[irc333]

However, women that are very beautiful can have a problem too in this regard. Because guys can be intimidated by their beauty and hence hesitate to approach.

 

I hardly ever approach women in public, esp very pretty ones. But one day I was at a Walgreens on a weekday morning, and I saw this godess of a woman, she was in the make-up section.

 

She was VERY curvy, too. I am very much into curvy women, dark hair, Hispanic I think.

 

She had the tightest pair of jeans I'd ever seen on a woman, and tight blouse. Not revealing cleavage or skin though, just all around tight fitting clothing. Pink collared shirt actually.

 

And a set of high heels.

 

Her butt was so round, it looked like it was something out of an Anime cartoon. LOL

 

That being said, I felt some kind of obligation to approach her and talk to her. I think she was kind of putt off by it though, because I said "So, you're name is <her name>"

 

And she said, "Yeah, how'd you know?!" and I pointed to her necklace....which had her name on it...and I introduced myself as well.

 

She did seemed kind of "Spaced out" though. We parted ways after that, didn't get her number though....didn't have really anything to go on, it was just a trial run. lol

[grkBoy]

IRC333, I commend you on taking a cold approach. That takes cajones.

 

Unfortunately, that girl didn't give you any "opening", like the "look back and smile" that D-Lish gave to other guys.

 

 

Frankly, I take a smile as just that. If I was single, made eye contact, she smiled, I came over and said hi...even if 10 minutes later this girl makes up some excuse to get rid of me because she wasn't into me after some initial convo.

 

When a guy gets the "look back and smile", he should just go for it...even if every woman ends up doing a 180 from it.

[D-Lish]

Yes, I would, it's why I had special business cards printed to account for situations where there's little time to exchange contact information.

 

However, I'll only consider doing it if she sweeps me off my feet in terms of looks or is near "that range". The reason for that is simply because when I don't know her yet, then I don't know her personality and there's no bond/connection yet, so then I can only go by looks, i.e. how her looks make me feel.

 

When it comes to the perspective of relationship oriented guys in general, a woman's looks are her "carrot on a stick", it can draw a man's attention causing him to want to know WHO is holding the stick. I think it was Hokie who said: "Looks get you through the door, personality keeps you in the house" or something like that. I agree with that, it is genuinely how it feels when it comes to anonymous women in public.

 

I generally feel attracted to a woman more easily if I know her personality, but when it comes to anonymous women in public, then that's not something you can directly see, unless she's extroverted. That's probably why extroverted women have so much success with attracting guys, as they allow a guy to get a glimpse of their personality, which in turn can make him more susceptible to feeling attracted to her.

 

Introverted women will have to rely on their looks in public. Because there's nothing else that can grab a guy's attention unless she's doing something out of the ordinary. Introverted women have it harder for sure.

 

However, women that are very beautiful can have a problem too in this regard. Because guys can be intimidated by their beauty and hence hesitate to approach.

 

And that might be a problem you're having D-Lish. Beauty can intimidate guys, they then start doubting themselves and thinking about whether they're in your league. I don't remember how you and your ex met, but like you said, throughout the relationship he was wondering if he could meet your expectations. And it's exactly that feeling that can keep a guy from hitting on a woman in public.

 

There are several things you can try to get around that, but they're not full proof.

 

- Starting a conversation with him. I know you don't want to hit on guys yourself, but that's not what I mean. A positive conversation can set a foundation for him to "shoot and score". You'll merely be putting the ball in front of the goal.

 

- Very obvious reciprocation. You mentioned you smile, that's definitely good, that's a universal signal for men that you like them. However some guys confuse that with general friendliness, so for those guys you'd need a more obvious approach. They could also be in a relationship already, so then there's nothing you could do either way.

 

- And lastly, hitting on a guy yourself. I know you don't want to do that. But you know what it is D-Lish. Most often it's probably a very specific person that really rings your bell, so in that case there's not much that can be done than to do it yourself. As you too need looks to crush and stay attracted and if you're picky like me, then you probably have a fairly specific taste. You can probably imagine the type of guy that can keep you hooked throughout an LTR, but they don't come along every day. Sometimes there is just a very small window of opportunity to get exactly the kind of guy that you know can keep you hooked if his personality will turn out to be decent enough.

 

The catch is of course that none of this guarantees success, but that's life.

 

That's funny what you mentioned about the business cards- A guy did this with my friend while we were eating dinner at a restaurant one night- left his card, and she called him! She's very beautiful, but bat-shyte crazy, which he soon found out:eek:.

 

I didn't used to have problems meeting people when I had an active social group. Alas, as you get to a certain age, people get married, people have children, and the opportunities to get out diminish significantly.

 

It is hard to know whom is single and whom is not when you get a smile in public.

 

You're right that I don't like to ever approach a man. I'm old fashioned that way. You're also right that I might have missed a lot of opportunities by waiting instead of acting.

 

If the weather is nice this weekend, I'm going to walk over to the park and invite myself to play a little baseball with the guys I see on the diamond every Sunday. It can't hurt. Even if they're all married, they might know someone decent that is not.

[Nexus One]

That's funny what you mentioned about the business cards- A guy did this with my friend while we were eating dinner at a restaurant one night- left his card, and she called him! She's very beautiful, but bat-shyte crazy, which he soon found out:eek:.

 

I didn't used to have problems meeting people when I had an active social group. Alas, as you get to a certain age, people get married, people have children, and the opportunities to get out diminish significantly.

 

I'm starting to see the first effects of this too, i.e. study mates from university that are getting married, encountering a lot of women who are already in a relationship, stuff like that. I'm definitely seeing the pool shrinking around me, it's why I feel in a hurry.

 

It is hard to know whom is single and whom is not when you get a smile in public.

 

That's true. That's when in case of approach I ask "this maybe a very direct question, but I was wondering if you're single". Women who

are open to approach will accept it from a guy asking something like that. If there's only a small window of opportunity, then I need to ask that before exchanging contact information. I think that women who are reasonable and looking for an SO themselves will understand.

 

You're right that I don't like to ever approach a man. I'm old fashioned that way. You're also right that I might have missed a lot of opportunities by waiting instead of acting.

 

If the weather is nice this weekend, I'm going to walk over to the park and invite myself to play a little baseball with the guys I see on the diamond every Sunday. It can't hurt. Even if they're all married, they might know someone decent that is not.

 

Good luck D-Lish, I wish you the best.

[ChessPieceFace]

Earth is calling to you, CPF. Come back any time.

 

Likewise.

 

Bother reading the forums sometime. Take note of the countless females whining about "they can't find a good guy" but when you read between the lines it's "I don't like the good guys that like me, I like players."

[irc333]

Not sure if you 've heard of "Meetup.com" but that's another site you could try out...it's not a dating site, but a site where people with common interests do something together on a weekend, like a "Movie Group" or "Hiking" groups, etc.

 

Though, the past few years, as those people got together, coupled up, got married, and the Meetup social group activities died off and turns out there are no scheduled get together anymore.

 

So, even with certain social groups, there's a finite amount of time to find someone to start dating or even marry. LOL (not saying you should rush into it for that reason)

 

 

Out in public, at least where I live, seems every woman in public is married or living together/relationship.

 

I have been at a grocery store, and seen some hot women there, with no wedding rings on.

 

But I am betting they're married, but just chose not to wear that ring to the store, which is such an informal environment. LOL I find some people just don't wear their wedding rings everyday.

 

In the mall, I'd attempt to talk to a woman at a bookstore, then her boyfriend shows up later.

 

I had a friend of mine who was sitting with another friend, saw areally pretty woman sitting by herself at the cafe court, he said that he wanted to approach her, and his friend was laughing and said, "Don't do it, she's probably waiting for her boyfriend."

 

As son as he got up to make his approach, a man showed up, and she kissed him hello.

 

In smaller towns, if you see a HOT chick by herself, chances are she is NOT single at all. In small town, hot women are snarfed up pretty quickly, usually by dudes they dated on the football team in Highschool.

 

 

 

I'm starting to see the first effects of this too, i.e. study mates from university that are getting married, encountering a lot of women who are already in a relationship, stuff like that. I'm definitely seeing the pool shrinking around me, it's why I feel in a hurry.

 

 

 

That's true. That's when in case of approach I ask "this maybe a very direct question, but I was wondering if you're single". Women who

are open to approach will accept it from a guy asking something like that. If there's only a small window of opportunity, then I need to ask that before exchanging contact information. I think that women who are reasonable and looking for an SO themselves will understand.

 

 

 

Good luck D-Lish, I wish you the best.

[phillyfan]

You definitely have the knack for hitting the nail right on the head. I like your posts - even though you make it hard to be able to read them properly

 

Thanks dude

[Negative Nancy]

I have been at a grocery store, and seen some hot women there, with no wedding rings on.

 

But I am betting they're married, but just chose not to wear that ring to the store, which is such an informal environment. LOL I find some people just don't wear their wedding rings everyday.

 

One of the reasons I will, should I ever marry, get a ring tattoo and not just an ordinary ring like all the 10 billion other couples.

[Lostinlife4now]

Hi D-Lish! (love your screen name)

 

I am also in the same boat! I am in my early 50's, good-looking, in shape and have a great personality....But I STAY HOME 7 nites a week. I love to close the blinds, and stay with my dogs. I have lots of friends, but I don't really want to date. I have been on a few dates, and NOTHING....I am really young at heart and the men I have dated are stuffy. I feel like I can't be myself around them so I say, Goodbye....If you don't like me for who I am....then SEE YA...

 

I always say, if it's meant to be, you can meet someone in the grocery store or home depot...but I just don't try anymore.....

 

If you live close, you want to meet for a drink?

[Lostinlife4now]

DUDE go watch rocky or sumthin (wateva works for girls) - LOL - u need one hell of a b*tch slap pep talk, here it comes...

 

U R HAWT (this is tru, mite as wel acept it), 40 aint nothin u r YOUNG girl, YOUNG. Get out ur apartment, hit the gym hard, join sum sports clubs coach sum sport, mentor little kids, sumthin, anythin WAY diffrent to wat ur doin now, DONT give up on the datin, JUS KEEP ON TRUCKIN. But work plus online datin, man, no ofense but how depressin.

 

THe world is out there dude waitin 4 u but u r lettin it go by, face it wen u r a hot blond female wit a good job the WHOLE FREAKIN WORLD is at ur feet u just dont see it u r wastin it.

 

Btw do u pay for POS? Those sites where ppl aint payin, thats were the deadbeats go u need 2 go for the sites were u hav 2 pay.

 

Dont sh*t all ova ur own life by feelin sorry for urself, GET OUT THERE and enjoy it. Spend a month or sumthin were u spend as much time as u wud on datin sites hookin up new sports, zoo visits (i dunno wateva ppl do that is cool), travellin, gym, jumpin outta planes, trainin 2 do sumthin new, jus no sittin in a darkend room starin at datin profiles n hatin ur life.

 

Oh yea and 1 more thng, if u r a grate catch, then u r probly gona hav less ppl to match with, thts no bad thing tho, keep on waitin - n itl happen.

 

Phillyfan! I love how you write...You make me laugh. I am a PhillyGirl!!!! GOTCHA......

[Mme. Chaucer]

Likewise.

 

Bother reading the forums sometime. Take note of the countless females whining about "they can't find a good guy" but when you read between the lines it's "I don't like the good guys that like me, I like players."

 

No.

 

Read between the lines (or, often, typed right out in the open): "I can't find a good guy who's attractive to me."

 

Yes, Mr. CheesePieceFace, people do usually require attraction in order to launch a relationship.

 

Fortunately, people can be attracted to different things, and chemistry is not just dependent upon looks.

[irc333]

Read between the lines (or, often, typed right out in the open): "I can't find a good guy who's attractive to me."

 

Right, but chances are, their idea of what is attractive to them, is quite unrealistic most times, even when they are not much to look at themselves.

[OliveOyl]

Right, but chances are, their idea of what is attractive to them, is quite unrealistic most times, even when they are not much to look at themselves.

 

Attraction isn't an "idea", it's a response.

 

I can have an "idea" of who I am attracted to, but the reality of the attraction can be quite different.

 

Haven't you seen women who are attractive by societal standards, and yet they do nothing for you?

 

Attraction is more complicated than just looks.

[somedude81]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't a woman having to be attracted to a man before she married him a recent occurrence in human society?

 

And I think that is a big cause of all this loneliness misery.

 

Good women who are very picky aren't doing anybody any favors by staying single.

 

A part of me just want's to say, "suck it up and marry the best one you find, whether you have chemistry with him or not."

 

But people aren't going to think that's romantic or whatever. So F it.

[irc333]

Attraction isn't an "idea", it's a response.

 

I can have an "idea" of who I am attracted to, but the reality of the attraction can be quite different.

 

Haven't you seen women who are attractive by societal standards, and yet they do nothing for you?

 

Attraction is more complicated than just looks.

 

I'm not sure if you know what I'm talking about, but let me clarify with an example.

 

A woman who is height obsessed and will only limit herself to only men 6 feet or taller. That's what I meant. Or not dating a bald guy, if one won't budge on something., etc

[D-Lish]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't a woman having to be attracted to a man before she married him a recent occurrence in human society?

 

And I think that is a big cause of all this loneliness misery.

 

Good women who are very picky aren't doing anybody any favors by staying single.

 

A part of me just want's to say, "suck it up and marry the best one you find, whether you have chemistry with him or not."

 

But people aren't going to think that's romantic or whatever. So F it.

 

I'll close the blinds and watch a movie by myself before I'll settle.