Slipping into the Recluse lifestyle

[radiodarcy]

i'm right there with you. i'm 35 and i started dating back in september.

 

i tend to attract younger guys because i look younger - - but they're not that much younger - -like 2-5 years) i actually met two guys i really liked. but it turned out one of them only wanted sex.

 

the other guy and i seemed to have a mutual attraction and had a lot in common. we went out twice. he said he wanted to get together again - - days went by without a word. so i pinged him. he said he had been sick but he still wanted to get together and how did later in the week sound?

 

i said - - great, i'm available thurs or fri if one of those days work (this was tues). thurs rolls around - - no word. i ping him again. he comes back and says - - sorry - - been busy - - how about this weekend? i come back and say sure - - i'm available save for sunday afternoon.

 

i haven't heard from him since and i don't expect to. needless to say - - i won't be following up.

 

i am extremely disappointed. it's enough to make me want to beg off dating for the next couple of months - - maybe even years - - as well.

 

it really can be an incredibly confusing, de-moralizing experience. especially when you meet someone you think you might have a mutual connection with someone and they just up and disappear like that.

 

experiences like this make me wonder - - what's the point in putting myself out there at all - - when stuff like this happens?

 

so yeah - - it's back to my shell for me. i'm an introvert by nature anyway. and as lonely as it can be sometimes - - it's a lot better than going through this BS.

 

but you are definitely not alone in your frustration with dating.

[riggs]

There is nothing worse on the dating scene than meeting someone that shows a genuine interest, and then, for a variety of reasons thinks about it and changes their mind. It has happened to me more than I care to remember. It used to linger, sometimes intensely, for way to long but I'm starting to put it behind me much quicker now.

[radiodarcy]

God forbid people change their minds.....

 

i have no problem with people changing their minds. but why continue to set up times to get together if you're no longer interested?

 

if he wasnt interested all he had to do was say so or ignore me - - obviously i'd prefer the former.

 

at the very least - - he could have come back as said "sorry, i won't be able to make that day, i'll get back to you". granted that's not much better - - but at least i would have gotten the hint.

 

proposing a timeframe to meet and then freezing me out when i come back and say "sure how does such and such a day work?" - - unnecessarily sends mixed signals.

[radiodarcy]

"proposing a time frame to meet and then freezing me out when i come back and say "sure how does such and such a day work?" - unnecessarily sends mixed signals." - Is MO of most women in the world.....

 

Flakiness was created by women!

 

i'm extremely confused. it was a guy who did this to me (proposed the time to meet and then dropped out of sight when i responded) - - and i'm a female. soo what exactly is your point?

 

that i'm responsible for his flaking out on me because a woman did this to him in the past?

 

well --ok then - - he got me

 

but seriously - - this is a chicken vs the egg idea. both genders do it to one another. such behavior isn't exclusive to either gender.

[eatNrM]

Well, it's no question that you are beautiful and smart DLish. So I think it very well comes down to the fact that most men when they reach that age start to let up on well.. pretty much everything:laugh:

 

I think someone has said it earlier, but because you're so unique and special..it may take to find someone who is like that as well. Again, that's because you're not like most 40+ year olds..you don't give up many youthful aspects because of your age.

 

Stay on the course, my fair maiden.

[ThsAmericanLife]

ok, D-lish, I'm going to play a bit of arm chair psychologist... thrown in with a bit of self-analysis as well.

 

TBH, I've learned NOT to trust the instant sparks. Yes, there has to be some attraction there... but the instant sparks is about something hormonal and probably some pretty f*ed up life history not consciously dealt with yet.

 

I've never had any of those relationships end well. Learned that lesson years ago. Instant sparks serve their purpose as instant, short-term 'fun' relationships... I would never consider anything long-term with anyone I had that dynamic with, strange as that sounds.

 

From some of your prior posts and this one... you exhibit frustration with men who are the investing 'type'. The ones who want to invest in a relationship and are investment worthy ARE GOING TO BE BORING in the beginning... because investment is a 'serious' business. We... the ones who want to invest... aren't wasting our time with those who come across as 'fun-time', not serious people.

 

Sure, you can still have fun while seeking to invest in someone... but the guys you pick seem to be all 'fun' and little substance. I suspect this is the air you may be giving off to some men as well.

 

Also, the place you look for these guys. POF?? Most people put POF right down there with the lowest of the hookup sites... I really doubt you will come across any quality guys there... I don't mince words about my distaste for OLD... but if you want to meet investment quality guys perhaps doling out a few $$ for a paid site might improve things a bit??

 

I'm sorry if I come across as harsh. I really think you are a super neat person with tons to offer... just shooting yourself in the foot a bit.

[betterdeal]

Let's buy a big house by a lake and all be recluses together!

 

No, hang on...

[Mme. Chaucer]

TBH, I've learned NOT to trust the instant sparks. Yes, there has to be some attraction there... but the instant sparks is about something hormonal and probably some pretty f*ed up life history not consciously dealt with yet.

 

I've never had any of those relationships end well. Learned that lesson years ago. Instant sparks serve their purpose as instant, short-term 'fun' relationships... I would never consider anything long-term with anyone I had that dynamic with, strange as that sounds.

 

From some of your prior posts and this one... you exhibit frustration with men who are the investing 'type'. The ones who want to invest in a relationship and are investment worthy ARE GOING TO BE BORING in the beginning... because investment is a 'serious' business. We... the ones who want to invest... aren't wasting our time with those who come across as 'fun-time', not serious people.

 

 

You know I love you, but I have a completely different perspective!

 

All my life "instant sparks" was a huge requirement for me. I also responded to an element of possible … trouble. Yeah, nice guy vs. douche, blah blah. Not for this thread.

 

There were explosive sparks plus a lot of trouble with my ex husband. After that marriage ended horribly, it took me a long time to even dare to experiment with dating. When I did, I decided to absolutely reject "instant sparks." I had thought about my attraction to "darkness" and equated the sparks with that quality. I was determined not to choose that again.

 

So, I dated. Some of the guys provided me with some very big dating fail stories, but a couple of them were wonderful people. As you put it, the "investing type." One man in particular was absolutely a good guy. He was kind, his family loved him and vice versa, etc. But - there were no sparks. And, he was kind of … boring. The conversations never got exciting and stimulating.

 

I questioned myself a lot about that guy. I did wonder if I only liked "bad guys." I questioned my own motives and integrity.

 

But the bottom line was, no sparks = no intimate relationship. So I had to let that good guy go.

 

I was fully prepared to be on my own for the rest of my life, because though I required big sparks, I was not going to have another relationship with a "bad guy."

 

Stuff happened, but the point of my story is that I ultimately did meet a man who, combined with me, created sparks - AND who is a good, wonderful, stand-up, moral person. With an edge. And he's eccentric. Which probably fulfills the weird area that used to crave the "bad guy."

 

Also, it's a real fact that there are plenty of "damaged goods" of all genders out there and maybe even more when we are trying to date when we're older. There are plenty of bitter people blaming their unhappiness on their ex. There are lots of people who are unfit and unsuccessful at relationships for clear reasons. Both my husband and I experienced a LOT of this while dating.

 

D, I believe you are going through a reclusive phase and that it is not going ot define very much of your life. I think you're a wonderful catch for some lucky guy - who is going to be quite a catch himself.

[Emilia]

ok, D-lish, I'm going to play a bit of arm chair psychologist... thrown in with a bit of self-analysis as well.

 

TBH, I've learned NOT to trust the instant sparks. Yes, there has to be some attraction there... but the instant sparks is about something hormonal and probably some pretty f*ed up life history not consciously dealt with yet.

 

I've never had any of those relationships end well. Learned that lesson years ago. Instant sparks serve their purpose as instant, short-term 'fun' relationships... I would never consider anything long-term with anyone I had that dynamic with, strange as that sounds.

 

From some of your prior posts and this one... you exhibit frustration with men who are the investing 'type'. The ones who want to invest in a relationship and are investment worthy ARE GOING TO BE BORING in the beginning... because investment is a 'serious' business. We... the ones who want to invest... aren't wasting our time with those who come across as 'fun-time', not serious people.

 

 

You make it sound too black and white, I don't think dating ever should have restrictive rules like that. Besides, to me that instant attraction is mandatory I'd rather be alone otherwise. I want my heart beat faster in anticipation of his company at least in the beginning of our courtship. What else is there otherwise when the mundane stuff hits you?

[freestyle]

 

 

I miss the feeling of clicking with someone, but I've learned all to well that chemistry isn't something to be forced. When you try to force it, like I did recently- you lose perspective.

 

good insight ^^

 

It's sort of strange to be living admist a busy city within a thriving social scene- yet have a preference for staying in and barricading myself into my apartment with my dogs and the internet. It's giving up, I know that's what I am doing right now. I don't know how to snap out of it- I've lost all motivation.

I'm inclined to agree with others who've suggested that you're recharging your batteries. You've had a rough year, it could be that you need a little more healing time.

 

I've met a lot of men my own age that have lost their youthful spirit. I went out with a guy last night and I couldn't ever imagine myself having fun with him because he was so conservative and stuffy. He took care of himself, but he voiced opinions on swearing, wanting "a real lady" as a partner. I'm not a real "lady"... I'm a lot cooler than that.

 

I would've said, "Hell yeah, I'm a lady!"And offered to fix him up with Mary Poppins......I don't swear a lot, but if I stub my toe, I'm going to let loose with the expletives..........

 

I can get dressed up and look like a real lady- but I'm also going to be the girl that can knock back a pint with the guys, discuss politics, war, religion, current events- on top of telling jokes and stories that might cross the line a little. amen.......

 

Am I supposed to lop of my hair, start wearing conservative clothing, toss out my sense of humour and move to Pleasantville?

 

Don't you dare! You'll never forgive yourself........

 

The whole dating scene at my age seems too hopeless and far too difficult.

 

The men my age that haven't lost their youthful spirit are still children, still not ready to settle down- the alternative is the guy my age that is like the guy last night that didn't get any of my jokes- I had to explain my wit to him:o.

Yep, smart & responsible, but not stuffy is not an easy combination to find.

 

I don't want to have to explain my wit to someone, then have a belated chuckle... I want someone to get me. I don't want to give up, but the choice to do so is looming on the horizon.

 

Anyone else feel this way? Especially those past 30?

 

Oh, I can relate, D............we're not exactly alike, but there are a lot of parallels...(and we're very close in age)

 

Same as you, I would go for very long intervals between relationships, and found it really, really hard to find someone who could "get me". I'm feminine enough to wear pink, but I'm hardly demure.......(*snort*)

 

I have no problem jumping into a healthy debate/discussion when I feel strongly about something. Some men can handle that, some can't. A handful of men will actually respect that quality. I never could pull off the "airhead blonde" routine, it's just not me........

 

At some point a few years ago, I reached the same place where you seem to be now, based on your OP. I'd given up.......and slowly reached a place where I was okay with that. I had friends who meant the world to me, an interesting career (which unfortunately made it really hard to date--I worked almost every weekend for ten years straight) my life was very full. So, I came to a point of acceptance. Sure I got lonely at times, but I was comfortable in my own skin, so solitude didn't freak me out. (still doesn't , I enjoy my 'battery-charging time')

 

I know it sounds cliche'--but when I stopped looking, and got settled into the notion of being single--I met the guy I've been with for the last six years.Unplanned, spontaneous...........far too long of a story to post, but it really happened out of the blue.It's been a bit of a roller coaster relationship, as we both have baggage----but I did find a guy who didn't run screaming into the night when he found out that I have a brain. (that usually works..)

 

I don't want to tell you what to do , or what NOT to do, D...........

And I'm not sharing my story as some sort of "fairy-tale" happy ending, my current R is full of issues, and truthfully,I'm not sure if it's going to survive or not..........It's 50/50 right now.

 

I guess I just wanted to answer your question,

"Does anybody else feel this way?".......

Yep, BTDT.....even though I'm in a R now, I remember those feelings well.

And I could end up in the same place, if my R doesn't work out.

 

 

I will say that I hope you don't compromise the essence of who you are, for anyone.

I believe it's possible to be flexible to a certain extent, while still being true to your own spirit.

 

best wishes.....fs

[grkBoy]

Anyone else feel this way? Especially those past 30?

 

Nothing wrong with that. I did the same thing before meeting my fiance.

 

Just make your life about you. Do hobbies, travel, work in the career, etc. Make yourself happy and fulfill yourself in life. If you happen to accidentally meet a great guy, go for it...but until then ignore the social pressures to find a man.

[KathyM]

I think when you get to be 42, the men your age mostly start to look middle aged, and they may not appear so attractive to you. Men that age have also usually been married at least once, a lot have had kids by then, and they are at a different stage in life than they were as 20 somethings. If you are much younger looking and attractive, chances are you're not going to be attracted to most of these middle aged guys, and they are most likely going to be looking for someone who is "wife material", wanting to settle down eventually. The guys you do meet who are in their 40s and are into hanging out at the bar, and behaving like 20 somethings are going to be the immature guys out there. What you are looking for is something very hard to find--a guy in his 40s, still very good looking, who has the lifestyle of a guy in his 20s, but has the maturity of a guy in his 40s. That's going to be pretty hard to come by.

[thatone]

You make it sound too black and white, I don't think dating ever should have restrictive rules like that. Besides, to me that instant attraction is mandatory I'd rather be alone otherwise. I want my heart beat faster in anticipation of his company at least in the beginning of our courtship. What else is there otherwise when the mundane stuff hits you?

 

the mundane is inevitable. why pretend that it isn't?

 

and rejecting people right away for no logical reason is just as black and white, albeit the opposite of what TAL is talking about.

 

you don't know anything about people on a first date (or two or three). everyone has their learned behavior that they have devised which they think will help them attract the type of person they want.

 

disregarding people after a date or two based on that fake behavior seems like a revolving door of fantasy to me.

 

after a month? sure, you have a pretty good idea at that point what type of person you're really dealing with. but after a single date you're effectively saying that your fake persona doesn't like his fake persona so you're going to stop seeing him, without ever considering that neither of your fake personas even exist in the first place outside of that first date or two.

[ThsAmericanLife]

You know I love you, but I have a completely different perspective!

 

All my life "instant sparks" was a huge requirement for me. I also responded to an element of possible … trouble. Yeah, nice guy vs. douche, blah blah. Not for this thread.

 

There were explosive sparks plus a lot of trouble with my ex husband. After that marriage ended horribly, it took me a long time to even dare to experiment with dating. When I did, I decided to absolutely reject "instant sparks." I had thought about my attraction to "darkness" and equated the sparks with that quality. I was determined not to choose that again.

 

So, I dated. Some of the guys provided me with some very big dating fail stories, but a couple of them were wonderful people. As you put it, the "investing type." One man in particular was absolutely a good guy. He was kind, his family loved him and vice versa, etc. But - there were no sparks. And, he was kind of … boring. The conversations never got exciting and stimulating.

 

I questioned myself a lot about that guy. I did wonder if I only liked "bad guys." I questioned my own motives and integrity.

 

But the bottom line was, no sparks = no intimate relationship. So I had to let that good guy go.

 

I was fully prepared to be on my own for the rest of my life, because though I required big sparks, I was not going to have another relationship with a "bad guy."

 

Stuff happened, but the point of my story is that I ultimately did meet a man who, combined with me, created sparks - AND who is a good, wonderful, stand-up, moral person. With an edge. And he's eccentric. Which probably fulfills the weird area that used to crave the "bad guy."

 

Also, it's a real fact that there are plenty of "damaged goods" of all genders out there and maybe even more when we are trying to date when we're older. There are plenty of bitter people blaming their unhappiness on their ex. There are lots of people who are unfit and unsuccessful at relationships for clear reasons. Both my husband and I experienced a LOT of this while dating.

 

D, I believe you are going through a reclusive phase and that it is not going ot define very much of your life. I think you're a wonderful catch for some lucky guy - who is going to be quite a catch himself.

 

I love you too... you gave me a few things to think about.

 

When I talk about the 'instant sparks', I'm talking in the context of most OLD situations. For instance, I have friends who won't go on a second date with a guy unless they have a strong physical attraction on the first date.

 

.. and my past 'bad' relationships weren't ALL that horrible... just not what I'm looking for now. I tend to associate 'instant sparks' with lots of drama and up-and-down.

 

I hear you about having zero attraction. That's not what I mean either... I'm talking about not expecting instant attraction... and spending more time with men who aren't trying to sex her up physically or emotionally right off the bat. Giving a bit of time to let things unfold a bit. She might already being doing this. It sounds like she has to some extent... but I still do wonder about the attachment to strong feelings quickly... and drawing conclusions based on clothing and a conversation or two.

[D-Lish]

Believe it or not I was actually kind of worried about you D-Lish. You said you lost a lot of weight, was stressed out due to your job and then it didn't work out with that guy.

 

I completely understand how you're feeling, especially this last year. I too am kind of picky and I actually got the same vibe from you.

I'm enjoying my job though, it has been kind of busy lately, but not stressful.

 

You know what I think you need D-Lish? I think you need a handsome cosmopolitan man with some money, one that takes you with him around the world, pulls you out of your routine and is able to take the pressure off of you regarding your job. A guy that isn't stuck up in his attitude and likes a woman that jokes like you do. A guy that gets your love chemicals flowing, a guy you can crush on.

 

I think you're able to attract a guy like that. Like I said before, I think you're a quality woman, but I also sense that you're somewhat of a challenge for a man, in more ways than one. I think you come with a manual and with connotations and it would take quite an insightful guy to really understand you. I don't mean that in a negative way, I just mean that exactly in the way I say it, i.e. you're a challenge, because I sense there's something complex about the way a guy would truly need to win you over for the long term.

 

Like I, you truly want/need to feel a crush. You want the real thing, you want to be swept away and sweep the other person away in a way that's strong enough that the effects of it will last a lifetime.

 

I'd say you're exactly right. I went home last night because my parents are back in town for a short period of time. I had dinner with my ex on my way home tonight (the ex from 6 months ago). We'd been talking about doing it the last couple weeks. He did say that he always had that voice in the back of his head that had him doubting he could ever meet my expectations.

 

I feel awful for giving off that kind of vibe- but at least it gives me some insight into how I come across.

 

You're always very insightful.

 

I want the same thing as you do- it just seems so hard to find and connect with.

[D-Lish]

MMeC:

 

I'm like you in that I do enjoy eccentric people, I don't mind a little bit of weirdness in my guys.

 

I've tried to change my dating habits and not base a second date on whether or not I feel any sparks.

 

Besides online dating I wouldn't even know where to go to meet a single guy.

 

After I got into writing this last night I forced myself to pack up and seek company- even if it was just my parents.

 

I'm going out with someone else tonight in a bit.

 

It's just such a comfortable feeling to stay in my home and not even bother to get out there. It isn't unusual for me to stay in 30 nights in a row just watching TV and surfing the internet.... And I don't do it because there is nothing else to do, I like it.

 

When I wasn't single, I enjoyed going out and doing things.

[Woggle]

ok, D-lish, I'm going to play a bit of arm chair psychologist... thrown in with a bit of self-analysis as well.

 

TBH, I've learned NOT to trust the instant sparks. Yes, there has to be some attraction there... but the instant sparks is about something hormonal and probably some pretty f*ed up life history not consciously dealt with yet.

 

I've never had any of those relationships end well. Learned that lesson years ago. Instant sparks serve their purpose as instant, short-term 'fun' relationships... I would never consider anything long-term with anyone I had that dynamic with, strange as that sounds.

 

From some of your prior posts and this one... you exhibit frustration with men who are the investing 'type'. The ones who want to invest in a relationship and are investment worthy ARE GOING TO BE BORING in the beginning... because investment is a 'serious' business. We... the ones who want to invest... aren't wasting our time with those who come across as 'fun-time', not serious people.

 

Sure, you can still have fun while seeking to invest in someone... but the guys you pick seem to be all 'fun' and little substance. I suspect this is the air you may be giving off to some men as well.

 

Also, the place you look for these guys. POF?? Most people put POF right down there with the lowest of the hookup sites... I really doubt you will come across any quality guys there... I don't mince words about my distaste for OLD... but if you want to meet investment quality guys perhaps doling out a few $$ for a paid site might improve things a bit??

 

I'm sorry if I come across as harsh. I really think you are a super neat person with tons to offer... just shooting yourself in the foot a bit.

 

I fully agree. Most things worth having take some time to grow and some investment on the part of a person. It's similiar to finances. The first time I came into big money instead of going out and living it up and blowing it I invested it and it paid off lovely. My friends that used to live it up are broke now and I have the means to do damn near anything I want.

 

Relationships are similiar. Flames that burn intensely at first usually burn out quickly while a slow flame gets the pot boiling just the same and it lasts longer.

[eleanorhurting]

You are strong and independent. I wish I could say I have been 2-3 years between my relationships. I am 24 and since I was 19 I have been a serial monogamist who has made tons of mistakes because I was scared of being alone.

 

And then, I hit rock bottom. I am in therapy now trying to fix myself and get over my most recent breakup.

 

I applaud you for being able to stand on your own and not settling.

[daphne]

D,

 

I totally get where you're coming from. I think I gave the last guy a second chance because I thought that because I'm getting older, I needed to be more open minded. Read, possibly settle. Pffft. He was an ass.

 

I don't have the answers. After 35, dating is trickier. A lot of people are coupled up. Which means you have divorcés with and without kids, and ungrown men to choose from. Even though a guy that's young at heart is ideal, Peter Pan isn't.

 

I flipped out after reading that goofy thread about men not wanting to settle down with women in their 30's but prefered 20's and went back online. I got inundated with really old guys that look like my dad or grandfather. Ew. Or barely better, the parade of 20 somethings. And somewhere, this guy who seems to have a lot of what I'm looking for comes out of nowhere and has me wondering if perhaps I sold myself short all of these years. Or maybe it's my time? Who knows. Time will tell. He doesn't really have an edge. The dude listens to Christian rock. What can I say. He scratches an itch I didn't know I had. Not the dirty kind. Well, maybe if he's lucky.

 

Do you know what you really need? Because I've been looking for a guy like this for a while. I don't know what will happen, but the fact that there is one gives me much hope. If you know what you need, I think it's easier to weed out the boneheads who don't fit the bill. I don't think you'll be happy if you settle for company. You have too much going for you to do that. And I don't think you've been overly picky. You gave some dingbats the benefit of the doubt.

 

I hope your spirits pick up soon. All I can say is hang in there. It'll happen for you.

[pandagirl]

Hey D! Sorry to hear you're a little down about all of this.

 

Maybe you're still getting over the breakup and processing your feelings. I know with my last breakup, it took me almost a year to really be at peace with everything. There was a reason I couldn't connect with anyone on any meaningful level, because I was still hurt.

 

So be gentle on yourself. Dating IS harder as we get older, but that doesn't mean that plenty of people don't find love at a later age. I've always said it, but life doesn't run on some structured timeline. It's ridiculous that everyone is expected to be on the same trajectory: married by 30, two kids by 35, etc. It just doesn't work that way. That'd be way too convenient.

[D-Lish]

D,

 

I totally get where you're coming from. I think I gave the last guy a second chance because I thought that because I'm getting older, I needed to be more open minded. Read, possibly settle. Pffft. He was an ass.

 

I don't have the answers. After 35, dating is trickier. A lot of people are coupled up. Which means you have divorcés with and without kids, and ungrown men to choose from. Even though a guy that's young at heart is ideal, Peter Pan isn't.

 

I flipped out after reading that goofy thread about men not wanting to settle down with women in their 30's but prefered 20's and went back online. I got inundated with really old guys that look like my dad or grandfather. Ew. Or barely better, the parade of 20 somethings. And somewhere, this guy who seems to have a lot of what I'm looking for comes out of nowhere and has me wondering if perhaps I sold myself short all of these years. Or maybe it's my time? Who knows. Time will tell. He doesn't really have an edge. The dude listens to Christian rock. What can I say. He scratches an itch I didn't know I had. Not the dirty kind. Well, maybe if he's lucky.

 

Do you know what you really need? Because I've been looking for a guy like this for a while. I don't know what will happen, but the fact that there is one gives me much hope. If you know what you need, I think it's easier to weed out the boneheads who don't fit the bill. I don't think you'll be happy if you settle for company. You have too much going for you to do that. And I don't think you've been overly picky. You gave some dingbats the benefit of the doubt.

 

I hope your spirits pick up soon. All I can say is hang in there. It'll happen for you.

 

Maybe someday it will, I have tried to be more open in my dating practices, but the truth is dating gets much harder the older you get.

 

My ex and I agreed that we both put one another on a pedestal because we had such chemistry initiially- and that made it easy to ignore how wrong we were for one another. I still felt chemistry with him last night, and after another date tonight that didn't have me feeling anything, I find myself missing him a little again.

 

The one good thing about putting my fears down in writing is that it put me into a more motivate mood. Okay, so the guy tonight wasn't for me, but at least i wasn't sitting at home behind a locked door shutting the world out.

 

Hey D! Sorry to hear you're a little down about all of this.

 

Maybe you're still getting over the breakup and processing your feelings. I know with my last breakup, it took me almost a year to really be at peace with everything. There was a reason I couldn't connect with anyone on any meaningful level, because I was still hurt.

 

So be gentle on yourself. Dating IS harder as we get older, but that doesn't mean that plenty of people don't find love at a later age. I've always said it, but life doesn't run on some structured timeline. It's ridiculous that everyone is expected to be on the same trajectory: married by 30, two kids by 35, etc. It just doesn't work that way. That'd be way too convenient.

 

I don't want to be married, but I think I stuck with the last guy far too long just for the company- I did enjoy having someone around- even if he talked far too much.

 

It's weird that my ex and I are communicating freely now when we aren't a couple, but couldn't do so when we were a couple. I'd get back together with him if I thought we could continue to talk now the way we couldn't 6 months ago. Sadly, I don't think we're right for one another at all.

 

This guy tonight looked old enough to be my dad, and he's younger than I am.

[mr_sexxxy]

Have fun and accept yourself. Don't compare yourself to others.

 

I'm so despondent when it comes to the dating scene. It is so rare that I ever meet someone I actually feel attracted to.

 

I've been out with a few guys lately, but no one I can see myself venturing into long term with. I have actually found myself settling to spend time with men just to have some company, despite knowing the spark isn't there and never will be. I think I do this to allieviate feeling lonley sometimes.

 

My entire life, I have gone YEARS in between bf's (maybe 2-3) before I meet someone I want to invest in. It seems so much easier for others to date than it is for me.

 

It was the same when I was younger, I have have always been picky.

I'm 6 months out of a relationship, and according to my luck and pattern, I have another 2 1/2 years to wait until I click with someone.

 

I miss the feeling of clicking with someone, but I've learned all to well that chemistry isn't something to be forced. When you try to force it, like I did recently- you lose perspective.

 

It's sort of strange to be living admist a busy city within a thriving social scene- yet have a preference for staying in and barricading myself into my apartment with my dogs and the internet. It's giving up, I know that's what I am doing right now. I don't know how to snap out of it- I've lost all motivation.

 

I work, I go on the odd date, and I sleep. I'm on POF, but on average I answer 1 out of 100 messages. Most of these message consist of "yo babe", or "U R Hawt"... I'm just not going to engage those sort of men.

 

I have gf's- but they are always wrapped up with their bf's or H's and kids...

 

Are some people just destined to be alone forever? I feel I am one of those people. I don't want to settle, but I don't have the motivation anymore to try and meet people.

 

I'm 42 years old. I have kept in shape, I'm thin, fashion forward, witty, and I don't look 42. The thing is, I'd like to meet someone my own age that is similar to myself, and that has proven hard to find.

 

I've met a lot of men my own age that have lost their youthful spirit. I went out with a guy last night and I couldn't ever imagine myself having fun with him because he was so conservative and stuffy. He took care of himself, but he voiced opinions on swearing, wanting "a real lady" as a partner. I'm not a real "lady"... I'm a lot cooler than that.

 

I can get dressed up and look like a real lady- but I'm also going to be the girl that can knock back a pint with the guys, discuss politics, war, religion, current events- on top of telling jokes and stories that might cross the line a little. Am I supposed to lop of my hair, start wearing conservative clothing, toss out my sense of humour and move to Pleasantville?

 

The whole dating scene at my age seems too hopeless and far too difficult.

 

The men my age that haven't lost their youthful spirit are still children, still not ready to settle down- the alternative is the guy my age that is like the guy last night that didn't get any of my jokes- I had to explain my wit to him:o.

 

I don't want to have to explain my wit to someone, then have a belated chuckle... I want someone to get me. I don't want to give up, but the choice to do so is looming on the horizon.

 

Anyone else feel this way? Especially those past 30?

[soserious1]

DLish, There is nothing wrong with being reclusive if you are engrossed in pursuing interests. I know people who cannot stand to be alone & over time their habit of needing to fill every space, every conversational silence with the sound of their own voice grows wearisome to the unfortunate people around them. Being able to not only tolerate being alone but also NEEDING that time is a sign of maturity.

 

You state though that you want a relationship & are finding that casting your net out in the traditional dating waters leaves you coming up with an empty net? My dear, IMHO you need to become a social networking specialist. Forget places like POF as your main hunting grounds. Do you have a hobby, interest or a cause that you hold dear to your heart? if so start digging through Google for ways that you can become more deeply involved in these things, place yourself among kindred spirits, people who love and care about the same things you do, make friends there, even if a suitable man isn't found within that organization, chances are good that someone there has a brother,son ,cousin or friend that shares similar values & interests & they'd be delighted to arrange an introduction.

 

Surround yourself with people who love & are passionate about the same things you are... stir gently.. watch the life unfold.

[phillyfan]

I'm so despondent when it comes to the dating scene. It is so rare that I ever meet someone I actually feel attracted to.

 

I've been out with a few guys lately, but no one I can see myself venturing into long term with. I have actually found myself settling to spend time with men just to have some company, despite knowing the spark isn't there and never will be. I think I do this to allieviate feeling lonley sometimes.

 

My entire life, I have gone YEARS in between bf's (maybe 2-3) before I meet someone I want to invest in. It seems so much easier for others to date than it is for me.

 

It was the same when I was younger, I have have always been picky.

I'm 6 months out of a relationship, and according to my luck and pattern, I have another 2 1/2 years to wait until I click with someone.

 

I miss the feeling of clicking with someone, but I've learned all to well that chemistry isn't something to be forced. When you try to force it, like I did recently- you lose perspective.

 

It's sort of strange to be living admist a busy city within a thriving social scene- yet have a preference for staying in and barricading myself into my apartment with my dogs and the internet. It's giving up, I know that's what I am doing right now. I don't know how to snap out of it- I've lost all motivation.

 

I work, I go on the odd date, and I sleep. I'm on POF, but on average I answer 1 out of 100 messages. Most of these message consist of "yo babe", or "U R Hawt"... I'm just not going to engage those sort of men.

 

I have gf's- but they are always wrapped up with their bf's or H's and kids...

 

Are some people just destined to be alone forever? I feel I am one of those people. I don't want to settle, but I don't have the motivation anymore to try and meet people.

 

I'm 42 years old. I have kept in shape, I'm thin, fashion forward, witty, and I don't look 42. The thing is, I'd like to meet someone my own age that is similar to myself, and that has proven hard to find.

 

I've met a lot of men my own age that have lost their youthful spirit. I went out with a guy last night and I couldn't ever imagine myself having fun with him because he was so conservative and stuffy. He took care of himself, but he voiced opinions on swearing, wanting "a real lady" as a partner. I'm not a real "lady"... I'm a lot cooler than that.

 

I can get dressed up and look like a real lady- but I'm also going to be the girl that can knock back a pint with the guys, discuss politics, war, religion, current events- on top of telling jokes and stories that might cross the line a little. Am I supposed to lop of my hair, start wearing conservative clothing, toss out my sense of humour and move to Pleasantville?

 

The whole dating scene at my age seems too hopeless and far too difficult.

 

The men my age that haven't lost their youthful spirit are still children, still not ready to settle down- the alternative is the guy my age that is like the guy last night that didn't get any of my jokes- I had to explain my wit to him:o.

 

I don't want to have to explain my wit to someone, then have a belated chuckle... I want someone to get me. I don't want to give up, but the choice to do so is looming on the horizon.

 

Anyone else feel this way? Especially those past 30?

 

DUDE go watch rocky or sumthin (wateva works for girls) - LOL - u need one hell of a b*tch slap pep talk, here it comes...

 

U R HAWT (this is tru, mite as wel acept it), 40 aint nothin u r YOUNG girl, YOUNG. Get out ur apartment, hit the gym hard, join sum sports clubs coach sum sport, mentor little kids, sumthin, anythin WAY diffrent to wat ur doin now, DONT give up on the datin, JUS KEEP ON TRUCKIN. But work plus online datin, man, no ofense but how depressin.

 

THe world is out there dude waitin 4 u but u r lettin it go by, face it wen u r a hot blond female wit a good job the WHOLE FREAKIN WORLD is at ur feet u just dont see it u r wastin it.

 

Btw do u pay for POS? Those sites where ppl aint payin, thats were the deadbeats go u need 2 go for the sites were u hav 2 pay.

 

Dont sh*t all ova ur own life by feelin sorry for urself, GET OUT THERE and enjoy it. Spend a month or sumthin were u spend as much time as u wud on datin sites hookin up new sports, zoo visits (i dunno wateva ppl do that is cool), travellin, gym, jumpin outta planes, trainin 2 do sumthin new, jus no sittin in a darkend room starin at datin profiles n hatin ur life.

 

Oh yea and 1 more thng, if u r a grate catch, then u r probly gona hav less ppl to match with, thts no bad thing tho, keep on waitin - n itl happen.

[Emilia]

DUDE go watch rocky or sumthin (wateva works for girls) - LOL - u need one hell of a b*tch slap pep talk, here it comes...

 

U R HAWT (this is tru, mite as wel acept it), 40 aint nothin u r YOUNG girl, YOUNG. Get out ur apartment, hit the gym hard, join sum sports clubs coach sum sport, mentor little kids, sumthin, anythin WAY diffrent to wat ur doin now, DONT give up on the datin, JUS KEEP ON TRUCKIN. But work plus online datin, man, no ofense but how depressin.

 

THe world is out there dude waitin 4 u but u r lettin it go by, face it wen u r a hot blond female wit a good job the WHOLE FREAKIN WORLD is at ur feet u just dont see it u r wastin it.

 

Btw do u pay for POS? Those sites where ppl aint payin, thats were the deadbeats go u need 2 go for the sites were u hav 2 pay.

 

Dont sh*t all ova ur own life by feelin sorry for urself, GET OUT THERE and enjoy it. Spend a month or sumthin were u spend as much time as u wud on datin sites hookin up new sports, zoo visits (i dunno wateva ppl do that is cool), travellin, gym, jumpin outta planes, trainin 2 do sumthin new, jus no sittin in a darkend room starin at datin profiles n hatin ur life.

 

Oh yea and 1 more thng, if u r a grate catch, then u r probly gona hav less ppl to match with, thts no bad thing tho, keep on waitin - n itl happen.

 

You definitely have the knack for hitting the nail right on the head. I like your posts - even though you make it hard to be able to read them properly