D-Lish Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 (edited) I'm so despondent when it comes to the dating scene. It is so rare that I ever meet someone I actually feel attracted to. I've been out with a few guys lately, but no one I can see myself venturing into long term with. I have actually found myself settling to spend time with men just to have some company, despite knowing the spark isn't there and never will be. I think I do this to allieviate feeling lonley sometimes. My entire life, I have gone YEARS in between bf's (maybe 2-3) before I meet someone I want to invest in. It seems so much easier for others to date than it is for me. It was the same when I was younger, I have have always been picky. I'm 6 months out of a relationship, and according to my luck and pattern, I have another 2 1/2 years to wait until I click with someone. I miss the feeling of clicking with someone, but I've learned all to well that chemistry isn't something to be forced. When you try to force it, like I did recently- you lose perspective. It's sort of strange to be living admist a busy city within a thriving social scene- yet have a preference for staying in and barricading myself into my apartment with my dogs and the internet. It's giving up, I know that's what I am doing right now. I don't know how to snap out of it- I've lost all motivation. I work, I go on the odd date, and I sleep. I'm on POF, but on average I answer 1 out of 100 messages. Most of these message consist of "yo babe", or "U R Hawt"... I'm just not going to engage those sort of men. I have gf's- but they are always wrapped up with their bf's or H's and kids... Are some people just destined to be alone forever? I feel I am one of those people. I don't want to settle, but I don't have the motivation anymore to try and meet people. I'm 42 years old. I have kept in shape, I'm thin, fashion forward, witty, and I don't look 42. The thing is, I'd like to meet someone my own age that is similar to myself, and that has proven hard to find. I've met a lot of men my own age that have lost their youthful spirit. I went out with a guy last night and I couldn't ever imagine myself having fun with him because he was so conservative and stuffy. He took care of himself, but he voiced opinions on swearing, wanting "a real lady" as a partner. I'm not a real "lady"... I'm a lot cooler than that. I can get dressed up and look like a real lady- but I'm also going to be the girl that can knock back a pint with the guys, discuss politics, war, religion, current events- on top of telling jokes and stories that might cross the line a little. Am I supposed to lop of my hair, start wearing conservative clothing, toss out my sense of humour and move to Pleasantville? The whole dating scene at my age seems too hopeless and far too difficult. The men my age that haven't lost their youthful spirit are still children, still not ready to settle down- the alternative is the guy my age that is like the guy last night that didn't get any of my jokes- I had to explain my wit to him:o. I don't want to have to explain my wit to someone, then have a belated chuckle... I want someone to get me. I don't want to give up, but the choice to do so is looming on the horizon. Anyone else feel this way? Especially those past 30? Edited November 7, 2011 by D-Lish
laotzu Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Hey! You're more interesting than all of those women who settled at twenty-five, only to find themselves unhappy, out of shape, and dependent on a man at ~35. Is it possible you'll be single forever? Well, yeah. But it's also possible you won't be. I read this last night - you may find it interesting. http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/11/all-the-single-ladies/8654/1/
carhill Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 While I feel for you D, I think the thread is titled in an exaggerated manner. If you want to talk 'recluse', imagine not seeing another human being since, wha, when did I go into town last?...oh, yeah, got back from Weaverville on Monday. Haven't seen a human since Monday. That's almost a week. That's what being a recluse is like By comparison, you are a gregarious social butterfly. It's all about perspective. The key difference is apparently your circumstances distress you. I'm quite content. My advice is to continue doing what you do and another BF will appear as quickly as in the past. It may seem like a long time but, for readers like myself, it appears like ten seconds. In fact, I expect a new 'meet' thread from you this week Hope the dogs are well!
dasein Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I am enjoying the peace and quiet, even turned the tv off and not listening to music, just surfing on usual nights, here and 15 other places LOL. I know I can go out and get someone when I want, so not too worried about the future. The quiet is so nice. It sounds like you would prefer a man near your age, yet your mind is younger and more lively. If you get called a cougar, so what? It doesn't say anything bad about you, go younger. I am going to, get approached by younger women all the time who I wouldn't consider in the past. Lately the annoying thing is they tell me about a BF, just volunteer it, THEN start hitting on me. I make a flirt, they respond like they are waiting to give the phone number, I hesitate and say, you realize I'm older than I look, much older than you... then "That's OK my BOYFRIEND is probably your age." LOL I don't ask for the phone number, they actually look and act disappointed. One even did this routine and asked for MY number. It's like the BF is just a fixture I'm supposed to work around, why I always say don't believe the BF talk until you see him, guys, it's too malleable a fiction today. This BF thing has happened with young girls three times in the last two weeks. I also want a woman nearer my age, within 5 years if possible, but as you say I run into staid ones, or party girls. Just want a blend of church lady and party girl. Something in between, doesn't seem to exist. Maybe the man thought he was supposed to tell you he wanted a trad lady? Maybe he just assumed wrong or was nervous. People say all kinds of things, not to be taken literally until you know them.
Author D-Lish Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 While I feel for you D, I think the thread is titled in an exaggerated manner. If you want to talk 'recluse', imagine not seeing another human being since, wha, when did I go into town last?...oh, yeah, got back from Weaverville on Monday. Haven't seen a human since Monday. That's almost a week. That's what being a recluse is like By comparison, you are a gregarious social butterfly. It's all about perspective. The key difference is apparently your circumstances distress you. I'm quite content. My advice is to continue doing what you do and another BF will appear as quickly as in the past. It may seem like a long time but, for readers like myself, it appears like ten seconds. In fact, I expect a new 'meet' thread from you this week Hope the dogs are well! Well, you're partialy right, I am very good at being a social butterfuly, but more comfortable locking myself inside a safe room- my isolation. I do go to work everyday, I do force myself to meet up with dating perspectives... People in the outside world that "know me", don't know my perpensity to lock myself down and isolate myself. Everyone thinks I am incredibly social. Mostly because once I get out there, I am- it's the leaving my comfort zone that is always the road block. I also do covet my alone time. I am a very skilled actress when it comes to being social and hiding my anxiety- something I've learned over the years. Not overcome, but have learned to compensate for. Motivation is the problem, a part of that being fear of judgement, rejection or failure. When I finish work, I come home and take the dogs for a walk, then I lock the door behind me and I feel relief that there is a big world outside my door that is locked out. Opening the door the next morning and starting my day again gives me great anxiety.
betterdeal Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 It's winter time and people are knuckling down to work and school. Make it a mission of yours to get out of the city you're in once a month. And start thinking about a holiday in February. Skiing sounds fun.
ThsAmericanLife Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I took myself out of the active dating pool a few months ago. You could say I 'gave up', but it doesn't exactly feel like that. What I gave up on was online dating... I dunno... I just don't have the time or patience to do the dating equivalent of looking for a Prada suit at the Salvation Army Thrift Store. Sure, it happens... but one gets tired of sorting thru the racks... ya know? You are an attractive, engaging person... I'm sure a nice gent will come along when you least expect it In the meantime, what's wrong with spending time with men for companionship? No sex. Just as friends. or, how about getting in touch with those long-lost GFs from out of town and taking a road trip to go visit them?
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 D-Lish, don't succumb! I think phasing in and out of dating and social activity is fine and probably even good for you. You just finished extricating yourself from a kind of confusing and even intense connection, too. If it helps you to feel better - I was completely alone for 4 years after my divorce. Like you, I made myself go out with guys just to keep trying, but I had pretty much given up hope. I am 10 years older than you and not as pretty, either. But, I am not alone after all. And I am happy. @ Carhill - Weaverville? I used to be practically your neighbor!
Nexus One Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 (edited) Believe it or not I was actually kind of worried about you D-Lish. You said you lost a lot of weight, was stressed out due to your job and then it didn't work out with that guy. I completely understand how you're feeling, especially this last year. I too am kind of picky and I actually got the same vibe from you. I'm enjoying my job though, it has been kind of busy lately, but not stressful. You know what I think you need D-Lish? I think you need a handsome cosmopolitan man with some money, one that takes you with him around the world, pulls you out of your routine and is able to take the pressure off of you regarding your job. A guy that isn't stuck up in his attitude and likes a woman that jokes like you do. A guy that gets your love chemicals flowing, a guy you can crush on. I think you're able to attract a guy like that. Like I said before, I think you're a quality woman, but I also sense that you're somewhat of a challenge for a man, in more ways than one. I think you come with a manual and with connotations and it would take quite an insightful guy to really understand you. I don't mean that in a negative way, I just mean that exactly in the way I say it, i.e. you're a challenge, because I sense there's something complex about the way a guy would truly need to win you over for the long term. Like I, you truly want/need to feel a crush. You want the real thing, you want to be swept away and sweep the other person away in a way that's strong enough that the effects of it will last a lifetime. Edited November 7, 2011 by Nexus One
riggs Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 D-Lish, I don't post much to this forum and don't know the protocol but I am a year older than you and have many of the same feelings. Any chance you'd care to chat more with personal email?
Cee Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Is it possible you'll be single forever? Well, yeah. But it's also possible you won't be. That pretty much sums it up. You have no idea what the future holds, so it's best to live your life as joyfully as you can. I've been there, thinking I'd never meet someone. I was single for 6.5 years before I met my boyfriend. I joined LoveShack in 2010 nearly hysterical that I couldn't meet someone right for me. Eventually I relaxed and stopped trying so hard. I certainly had my moments of despair and I became sick of myself. But I still continued a full life with friends I'd lay down my life for. I don't want to sound too New Agey, but I believe in the concept of abundance. The more life you live, the more friends you love, the more good that pours in. It has worked that way for me. I'm glad you write about life as a vibrant 40-something. We are the same age and I need more role models. You have inspired me in your honesty and energy. Keep on keeping on, D-Lish.
threebyfate Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 D, are you aware of the neurological differences between introverts and extroverts? Take a look at this article where they did MRI brain scans on individuals: http://www.scienceagogo.com/news/19990228212951data_trunc_sys.shtml The PET scans revealed that introverts have more activity in the frontal lobes of the brain and anterior, or front, thalamus. These areas are activated when a person's brain takes on internal processing such as remembering, problem solving and planning. Extroverts exhibit more activity in the anterior cingulate gyrus, temporal lobes and posterior thalamus. These areas are typically thought to be more involved in sensory processing such as listening, watching or driving. The differences in cognitive style and sensory-processing relate to the qualities associated with introversion and extroversion. True introverts are quiet, inwardly focused and reclusive. Extroverts are gregarious, socially active and sensation seeking. "Introverts get more of their stimulation internally, whereas extroverts seek outside sources," Johnson said. "Extremely introverted and extroverted personalities are two ends of a continuum, with most people falling somewhere in between."
Nexus One Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 (edited) D, are you aware of the neurological differences between introverts and extroverts? Take a look at this article where they did MRI brain scans on individuals: http://www.scienceagogo.com/news/19990228212951data_trunc_sys.shtml Introverts charge their battery when they're alone, while extroverts charge their battery when they're in social situations. I think D-Lish recharges her battery when she's alone. The fact that she was exhausted after dating that guy that talked too much could be a sign of that too. Edited November 7, 2011 by Nexus One
threebyfate Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Introverts charge their battery when they're alone, while extroverts charge their battery when they're in social situations. I think D-Lish recharges her battery when she's alone. The fact that she was exhausted after dating that guy that talked too much is a clue to that too I think. Kind of like that but not quite. Extroverts look to external stimuli to get their dopamine fix thus taking the shortest route through neural pathways. Introverts take a more circuitous route through neural pathways. There have been many peer reviewed studies about the differences but I don't have time to find them all right now.
carhill Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 @ Carhill - Weaverville? I used to be practically your neighbor! Some good friends have a cabin in a canyon near there just off 299. I was a long drive (6hr) from home. To me, hiking that canyon without seeing a car or other person was like home. That's what reclusion/seclusion is like, except for that skunk smell which isn't skunk, if you know what I mean.
ScreamingTrees Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Hermit-ism has always been my biggest problem when it comes to relationships, as I don't think there's anything wrong with me other than the fact that I don't really make any effort whatsoever and keep to myself because I assume that I'll fail for whatever reason. Had a few negative childhood experiences when I didn't carry myself very well and now I'm a social recluse with a ridiculous complex, no different than 65% (majority of the male population) of this board. Great.
ChessPieceFace Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Are some people just destined to be alone forever? No. Destiny is a fairy tale. There's no ultimate destiny and no one "soul mate" for anyone. We have free will. You can either be depressed by it or decide to use it to your advantage. However, some people can be too broken to have a good CHANCE at being happy with other people, for a myriad of reasons. From your post, you sound very picky, and perhaps another woman hopelessly searching for a contradiction, while dismissing men that would have made you happy if you hadn't been so impossible about it. Specifically, you want someone who is "free spirited" but that you don't see as childish. On paper that sounds fine, but I get the feeling that is code for what I said -- your expectations and judgments of others may be impossible. I cite your lack of success as evidence.
johan Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Have read about some of the guys she has given a chance to? You have this fantasy that there are loads of jilted guys sitting around crying in their beers. My impression is that guys are just as fouled up, picky, difficult and wrong-headed as women are. I'm sure that as D looks back and thinks about what she has been through with men, she can't feel a whole lot of guilt for being the one to screw things up. She wasn't, and if you want to lay a guilt trip on anyone, find her cheating, commitment-phobic, controlling exes, who through pure negligence if not outright evil, made relationships impossible. Get over it, CPF. You're not seeing the forest or the trees.
ChessPieceFace Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I'm sure that as D looks back and thinks about what she has been through with men, she can't feel a whole lot of guilt for being the one to screw things up. She wasn't, and if you want to lay a guilt trip on anyone, find her cheating, commitment-phobic, controlling exes, who through pure negligence if not outright evil, made relationships impossible. One cheating, commitment-phobic, controlling ex is a sad story which elicits my sympathy. A bunch of them represents a pattern of behavior, and I would then posit that the person is subconsciously or seeking these people out, and thus the fault lies with them. Same basic conclusion, then. She's avoiding the good guys and falling for the bad guys. Try not to wreck into a tree on your way to the forest.
johan Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 One cheating, commitment-phobic, controlling ex is a sad story which elicits my sympathy. A bunch of them represents a pattern of behavior, and I would then posit that the person is subconsciously or seeking these people out, and thus the fault lies with them. Same basic conclusion, then. She's avoiding the good guys and falling for the bad guys. Try not to wreck into a tree on your way to the forest. Man, talk about off base. How many girlfriends have you had anyway? I can't imagine any, or you would know better. If you've dated at all, you know: it's hard to find a good mate. Even for someone with your eagle eye. Regardless of gender. You get involved long before you know what someone is really made of. Maybe years before you find out. Think about how you, if you're ever going to get a second date, will have to keep this attitude of yours tucked far back in the closet. Maybe to spring it on the poor girl after a few months, and after you know she's starting to commit. It's pretty much a sure thing she'll find her way to LS after a few months of trying to figure out why you went haywire. Earth is calling to you, CPF. Come back any time.
thatone Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 While I feel for you D, I think the thread is titled in an exaggerated manner. If you want to talk 'recluse', imagine not seeing another human being since, wha, when did I go into town last?...oh, yeah, got back from Weaverville on Monday. Haven't seen a human since Monday. That's almost a week. That's what being a recluse is like By comparison, you are a gregarious social butterfly. It's all about perspective. The key difference is apparently your circumstances distress you. I'm quite content. My advice is to continue doing what you do and another BF will appear as quickly as in the past. It may seem like a long time but, for readers like myself, it appears like ten seconds. In fact, I expect a new 'meet' thread from you this week Hope the dogs are well! damn, i thought i was bad for spreading my errands out so that i got sh*t to go do every other day or so. D, i can sympathize. think about how bad you could slip if you didn't have to go to work every day. my income comes in whether i like it or not, don't have to go anywhere or see anyone to get it. it's damn easy to turn into a hermit with that sort of lifestyle. especially when you have a good excuse, in that your friends do have to go to work every day. yeah, i'm the same way, i can go out and strike up conversation with anyone, that's not a problem. the problem is wanting to.
snug.bunny Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Anyone else feel this way? Especially those past 30? Yes, of course. And there is nothing wrong with feeling that way. I once took a couple years on retreat, and that meant no dates what-so-ever. I felt so much more refreshed and intouch with myself, in ways that I never had before. We all want someone who "gets" us and who "clicks" with us, but in our quest to find that, we tend to get lost and forget that the one person who needs to "get" us the most, is ourselves. I think when people learn to embrace the latter, it opens up his/her perspective towards others around them and you may find traits in someone you like, that you never did before. It's like eating different cuisines. Try sushi, it sounds gross, but you may like it. Or, couscous. What's that? Hey try it, it may taste good. Soooo, if you feel yourself getting tired from it, where you just want to retreat into a hermit ball, take a break. Get back into "zen" mode , and then try again. I can't guarantee that you'll find someone, but then again, I can't guarantee that you won't.
joystickd Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 You should try younger men. I'm 29 and I know I like going out with women in their 40s.
oaks Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 The men my age that haven't lost their youthful spirit are still children, still not ready to settle down- the alternative is the guy my age that is like the guy last night that didn't get any of my jokes- I had to explain my wit to him:o. There's a whole spectrum between "lost youthful spirit" and "still children". I doubt that you're unnecessarily fussy, so why aren't you meeting those guys? Last night's guy just didn't have your sense of humour... bad luck.
Emilia Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I don't want to sound too New Agey, but I believe in the concept of abundance. The more life you live, the more friends you love, the more good that pours in. It has worked that way for me. This but it is hard to keep up. I think when you hit your mid 30s you just get tired sometimes. Like thatone says in his post, it's not a matter of not being able to strike up conversations, it's not wanting to sometimes. I live on my own and I love it, I don't have a telly, no internet, only the radio for company and I like it that way. I live in a vibrant - and quite noisy - area though. I have also forced myself into the habit of putting myself into situations where I meet new faces all the time. This means I don't have to keep up with friends constantly because if I don't want to talk to them I don't feel isolated. Outside stimulus with some distance - ie making acquaintances and keeping them that way - suits me best. It doesn't feel too much, not a huge effort is required and it makes me feel I'm experiencing something new all the time. It is also a good way to meet men - without necessarily dating them though.
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