SpecialK Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 Okay, let me first say that this is the first time i've ever done this, and i'm very nervous and I first have a few obstacles to clear to feel like everyone will take me seriously. The situation i'm about to describe for everyone probably falls under the heading of several problems-- breaking up and coping, second chances, general relationships, friendship, etc... but since part of the issue is with distance, i'll go with it. First of all, i'm in my early twenties. After about ten years of dealing with issues regarding my sexuality, I think i'd finally reached a point in my life where I was comfortable with it, even despite the lingering concerns now and again. If this is taboo on this forum, I apologize, but I'm in desperate need of guidance. Anyhow, here's the background. It's long, but I hope everyone will give it their best shot. About four months ago, I met someone on a dating service online. It began as just friendly exchange of emails. This person, we'll call him Cory for the purpose of descriptions, is late in his high school career. I'd never really connected with someone of a slight age gap such as this, but it was just good conversation, and we really did connect well, so I figured what the heck. As we exchanged emails and talked via real time messenger clients, I began to realize we had a lot in common. He was very mature, very cordial, very warm, and very intelligent. Simply put, he was great. Soon we decided to begin speaking on the telephone. The phone calls were, well, incredible. The first three or four times we spoke, we talked for probably three and sometimes four hours at a time. Cory and myself learned so much about each other in such a short time. After a couple of weeks, we went out on a date. The first date was everything i'd hoped it would be. We enjoyed a movie together, had ice cream together, and afterwords we enjoyed a riverside view of the downtown skyline under a starry sky talking and kissing intimately until early hours. Very soon, we agreed to date exclusively. He was very goal-oriented, very career-minded, and very futuristic. This was his first actual committed relationship with another guy. He told me he had met and spoke with many guys in a short time, but he wasn't able to connect with any of them. One of the initial things we were concerned about was the fact I lived nearly an hour away. However, that became less a concern very soon after because I found myself coming down a lot on the weekends, and occasionally week nights for a few hours. We both called each other regularly every night. After 9 PM I was able to use my cell phone with unlimited nights and weekends, and he would go out and purchase calling cards to spare the long distance bills. Those three and four hour phone calls didn't cease. We were talking more than I could ever have imagined two people could. As the relationship went further, we tried the intimate aspect of things. That didn't go too well, and it was something that really bothered him. It bothered me only to the extent I was fearful that would never work out, but I promised him I didn't care. Now, Cory is manic depressive, something I knew from the beginning, but was not concerned about. Part of the problem, we think, was that the medication he is on has the possibility of sexual side affects. This made him feel very inadequate that he couldn't partake in all a relationship had to offer, but I assured him I had fallen in love with him no matter what, and that was the utmost truth. He kept telling me so often that this was the best he's felt about his life in quite some time. He said I made him feel special, he said even when he would get in his usual moods where something would upset him or depress him, he quickly snapped out of it hearing my reassurances, and having me around to deal with it. As the luster of the relationship wore down, the reality was that we still were very much in love. Despite several failed attempts at intimacy, I promised him i'd not leave him. Lately, however, things started to change. I got very wrapped up in my job for a couple of weeks, and didn't get to see him or talk to him near as much as we'd been used to. Whenever I did talk to him, I sensed a different tone from our conversations. It seemed a little more bland, and less enthusiastic. A couple of times I even asked if everything was OK, or if there was anything he needed to talk about sensing he might be despressed about something. He assured me everything was fine. We had still been talking about the possible future together, and taking ourselves through several "what if" scenarios later in life together, and every time we fit perfectly in our own plans. I had already accepted that sometimes because of his medication, because of his problems, once in a while he would get very tired, and he would be a little distant during those phases. But I always knew they didn't last long, and he'd come right back to me expressing how much he cared for me and everything. About two weeks ago, everything seemed to change. We went out to see a movie together. The entire time he only feinted one smile the entire time we were out, and he wasn't the same. I assumed he was tired, and it WAS very late when we went out, but deep down inside, I think I knew something was truly the matter. About four days later, he informed me he wasn't sure if he was happy any more. He suggested we break up, but didn't even say that we were for sure. He didn't allow me to talk to him that night about it, saying he wanted to sleep on things. The next afternoon, we talked for about an hour. It was a very emotional conversation. He said it wasn't anything I did, but he wasn't sure what he wanted out of life or whether he was happy. He said he still loved me, but yet he sometimes wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me or not. He did tell me he wanted me in his life forever no matter what , even if it were as just friends.. but that just further confused me because knowing how close we are. I know he's always told me what he wants, and that's what has impressed me about him, because he has formulated his hopes and dreams and aspirations so well. That's why this didn't make sense. He indicated maybe it was just that he's never been serious with anyone, or maybe he's afraid of commitment... but one way or another, he wasn't sure what he was missing. I asked him if there was someone else, or if there was one thing in particular that bothered him. He said there wasn't anyone else, and couldn't pinpoint one particular issue. So after hearing that, I suggested we continue to date and maybe it was just a phase he was going through. After all, we all go through moments of doubts. He did say the distance wasn't helping, but i've already plans to move close by this summer when I take a new job, so he agreed that wouldn't be a problem. He's not out to many people besides his best friends, so that too was a factor since he's had to somewhat conceal our lifestyle together. Over last weekend, I didn't get to speak with him after Friday afternoon. He wasn't home Friday night or online, he wasn't home or online on Saturday either. This bugged me, because he never goes too long without telling me where he's going or when he would be home. I finally called his home Saturday afternoon and found out he went out of town with a friend. After talking to a few people, I found out this friend he went with was someone that had a crush on him before (that we both knew about, but was never an issue because I knew he wouldn't ever cheat on me). Well, one of this guy's friends told me they had been together the weekend before that and were kissing at some cafe. Now, the person that told me isn't the most reliable person, but I came to find out they were together this particular weekend too, so I immediately broke down. When he got back, I asked him about everything I was told. He said he was with this guy both last weekend and this weekend, but he insisted nothing happened until this weekend where they only kissed once. Since we weren't technically still together, as much as I was jealous, I didn't press that issue. He was talking to me online and I really wanted to hash things out with him on the phone, but he wanted to finish up other things. We got into an argument about it, the first we'd ever had. He asked if he should drop everything to talk on the phone, after all, he hadn't been home to check email or anything the whole weekend. I stated that he also had not talked to me the entire weekend, so I'd hoped he would care enough to want to talk to me. We finally did talk again, and it was a very emotional phone call. I asked him what happened between us, and he didn't know. But later that night, he asked what I wanted. I told him that naturally I wanted to stay with him. He continued to say "but what if i'm not happy?" We talked over several possibilities of dating exclusively, not exclusively, allowing him to date some, having him stay single. Nothing reasonated between us. Finally he asked that I think about it and tell him what I wanted the next day. So, this past Monday, I sent him an email after talking with his best friend and my best friend. I told him we had too much together, we cared about each other too much, this was a dream come true for me and I didn't want it to end. We didn't get to talk that night, but on Tuesday night I went to his house for three hours. He was being extremely distant again, so before I left, I finally said "we need to get this dark cloud to move away from over our heads." He indicated he knew we did. I told him I felt like I didn't know what we were any more. Were we still together? Were we seperated? What exactly were we. He said he read my email, but his opinions didn't change one way or another. He said he still felt the same fears. I asked him if he still loved me, he said "absolutely, you know I do. I always will." We stood up and embraced one another crying, I said we should break things off for now. Maybe he can take some time to think because I promised him i'd not continually bug him to ask how things are going. He said he thinks about it every day, but he just doesn't know. So I told him we should break up, but still date here and there, and maybe re-assess the situation in about a month. Oddly enough, he said, "a month, why so long?" I couldn't figure that out, other than maybe he thinks he will feel better before then, i'm not sure. Before I ultimately left, he promised things would work out for us. He also voluntarily said he loved me again without my saying it first for the first time in a few weeks. We're going out on a date tonight. I'm just not sure what to do. Cory says he's not seeing anyone else, although this other guy says the two are dating-- but I think this guy just wants me to give up on getting back with him. I've never been head-over-heels in love like I am with Cory. He indicates it's still possible we can get back together, but what do I do? I know these worries are not something I can control, and I don't feel they are personal, but I can't help but think there's something I can do to get back with him for good. We have a great great relationship together. We are able to share anything, and even despite the problems, and despite the fact he isn't as open with me as before and he's apprehensive about too much closeness, we can still embrace, we can still kiss, we can still cry together or talk about the most private of things. There's just that one last thing holding him back, and I don't know what it is or how to get it back. What should I do? I know there's something between us, but where did it go and what do I do to get it back? He's the first person i've actually been able to visualize a life with , happily. I know he cares about me, cares for me, loves having me around... but I admittedly am greedy, I want it to be perfect. What does everyone think?
Bojickwoman Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 Hi, I'm a new member as well! To assess your situation, what it looks like to me is that Cory is having some issues with himself. I doubt it has anything to do with you. Perhaps he needs time to sit back and think about everything. Regardless if men are gay or straight, it has been my observance that once things get really close in a relationship, for some reason guys will back away for a while and it has nothing to do with the other person. The only thing you can do right now is give him what he needs and it sounds to me like he needs some space and time to think. I know it is frustrating when you are completely powerless in a relationship. The only thing you can do right now is do nothing. He knows how you feel about him and I'm sure he appreciates that. He seems to just need to get his own head straight right now. I hope everything works out for you.
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