mortensorchid Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I was wondering if anyone else has encountered these issues with others. Please offer some insights as to what to do about this... I have a new boyfriend who I've been with for the past 2-3 months. Things are going well. But, I've learned something about him just recently, that he hates Christmas and the holiday season. Now don't get me wrong, holidays tend to be a very stressful time for us all, as we are suddenly doing a lot of things rather crazy. Work goes a little insane, school semesters are ending, and we are having a lot of get togethers with friends and family for parties and obligations. About ten years ago, I was with someone who, I found out the hard way, hated holidays and made everyone around him (especially me) miserable because of it. He actually had the gall to break up with me and then expect me to go with him to his office Christmas party because he had already bought tickets for it. I said "Forget it" and would not attend the party with him. But, that's another story ... So now, older and wiser (I would like to think), when you are with someone who has already expressed themselves that they hate the holidays, what do you do? Not invite them to parties and events? Treat it like any other day? What if he goes insane and makes things terrible for me and others? I don't think he will at this point, but ... What to do?
carhill Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 What to do? Do what you do. Their perspective isn't binding upon you. He likes hockey. You like horses. He goes to the hockey game; you go to the horse show. I'll presume there are interests/events you and he share. If things progress where a LTR/M is contemplated, then look at this issue in the realm of the bigger picture of compatibility and decide whether, long term, the perspective that manifests itself as 'I hate Christmas' is something you can live with, presuming no bend from him. For now, go enjoy your shopping and parties and whatever else. I'm sure he's had his Christmas 'routine' down for a long time now. He'll be fine.
OneFootOut Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 You are only 2-3 months into the getting to know him stage, yes? So you found out something you don't like about him. If the holidays mean a lot to you, by all means don't give up that joy for his sake. Just celebrate with your family and friends as you did before this guy. If he has told you he hates the season, then no, don't invite him or obligate him to participate in any of it. You haven't been a couple for long, there may be a lot more details you will find out in the coming months that you don't like. That's the point of getting to know each other. Then you can decide if this is who you see yourself with 10 years down the road. That's a lot of lonely holidays...
Stung Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 You are only 2-3 months into the getting to know him stage, yes? So you found out something you don't like about him. If the holidays mean a lot to you, by all means don't give up that joy for his sake. Just celebrate with your family and friends as you did before this guy. If he has told you he hates the season, then no, don't invite him or obligate him to participate in any of it. Agreed. I would suggest, however, that you find out more about how he feels about the holidays by simply asking. Is he a true Grinch, or is he just a little bit disillusioned or grumpy? I know some who genuinely loathe the season, but I also know several people who talk a big game about hating the holidays, out of defensiveness, yet would be shattered if people didn't still invite them to holiday gatherings. As the above poster stated, you don't have to change your own Christmas plans to accommodate him if you take joy in the season and he would rather not participate. Just work around him.
Pierre Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I was wondering if anyone else has encountered these issues with others. Please offer some insights as to what to do about this... I have a new boyfriend who I've been with for the past 2-3 months. Things are going well. But, I've learned something about him just recently, that he hates Christmas and the holiday season. Now don't get me wrong, holidays tend to be a very stressful time for us all, as we are suddenly doing a lot of things rather crazy. Work goes a little insane, school semesters are ending, and we are having a lot of get togethers with friends and family for parties and obligations. About ten years ago, I was with someone who, I found out the hard way, hated holidays and made everyone around him (especially me) miserable because of it. He actually had the gall to break up with me and then expect me to go with him to his office Christmas party because he had already bought tickets for it. I said "Forget it" and would not attend the party with him. But, that's another story ... So now, older and wiser (I would like to think), when you are with someone who has already expressed themselves that they hate the holidays, what do you do? Not invite them to parties and events? Treat it like any other day? What if he goes insane and makes things terrible for me and others? I don't think he will at this point, but ... What to do? He is likely a non-practicing Jew or a Muslim and is embarrassed to admit that to you. Do not press the issue. He could also be an intolerant Atheist.
ChessPieceFace Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Maybe you could get 3 friends to dress up as ghosts and re-enact scenes from his childhood?
denise_xo Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I hate Christmas, too and ideally would prefer to avoid all related rituals. However, it would never occur to me to make people around me miserable because of it. Just ask him whether he'd like to go to the parties or not, and take it from there.
soserious1 Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 I have a plan that might work,it's pretty innovative, rarely done but you might be able to pull it off Sit him down when you're alone & both relaxed and talk to him.. "you" from things you've told me I get the impression you dislike the holidays. I don't want to do/say anything to make you uncomfortable so I thought it might be good to talk about how you'd like to handle Thanksgiving, Xmas & New Year's? " Rather than not inviting him or risking that he'll feel pressured by holiday expectations, why not talk to him beforehand & come up with a plan you BOTH will be comfortable with?
Lucky_One Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 Yukon, I think I love you. I would send you a bottle of wine to share while decorating the tree if I could!
mn311601 Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 A good chunk of males cringe at the holiday season. Most, however, have sufficient character to care firstly about the needs of those around them...especially their partner and family. My girlfriend is ecstatic about us getting dressed up and going to a Christmas ballet. I'm not going to dampen her spirits by telling her I'd rather stay home, pop a beer and lay on the sofa. I'll do my best to make it a special evening for her hecause she's the most special person in the universe. We'll go out in the woods to cut a Christmas tree, bring it home, pop opon a bottle of wine and decorate it together...yup, I'll be missing some football. But my gal's happiness is a million times more important to me. Always ask...what's important in your life? What minimal effort or inconvenience do you do each day to take care of what's important to you? I can't stand friggin Christmas but I love my gal to pieces. Her needs trump everything else not because I 'have' to do anything but because her happiness is my happiness. Any guy who expresses disdain for the things that make his gal happy isn't being honest but is a self-centered dickhead. There's times in life just to dig down deep, suck it up and whistle a happy tune. **** that, why do you have to sacrifice for her happiness? What about your happiness? What about her missing the tree cutting to watch the game with you? That won't ever happen, can't have that. I'd rather stay single.
ShatteredReality Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Well I hate Christmas. People become awful during the holiday season - it's like hypocrisy takes itself to new limits. And the crowds?? If I can avoid shopping I do...for me, tis the season for crockpotting and making huge casseroles so I can lump all my shopping trips into one painful time every other week. On the flip side...I have two sons. On Thanksgiving day one of them takes me to an open restaurant of his choice and then a movie of his choice and we enjoy a mommy son date. On Christmas day the other has his turn. We don't bother with celebration of the holiday or attending any parties or anything of the sort - but those two days while everyone else is putting up with stressful family functions I get to have a special day with each of my boys. I cherish that. I would never dream of making the holidays miserable for someone who loved them, and I would expect the respect of those who know how I feel that they wouldn't try to force the so called "holiday spirit" on me. Maybe just have an open and candid conversation with him about it. Ask him how he feels. Ask him if he becomes a little "grinchy" about it or if he just chooses not to partake. Tell him how much you love the holidays and that you love attending the parties and putting up the decorations - tell him you want to be able to continue loving the holidays and not have to worry he'll be upset or spoil it somehow. Ask him if he wants a gift or if you can perhaps make a "present day" sometime after the holidays to show eachother how much you care. Honestly...exchanging gifts in a special relationship doesn't have to be on a specific day - it's actually a bit more special if you can pick a day just for the two of you - then it's yours together and not shared with the masses. This is only a big deal if you feel that it is...and if you talk to him honestly and openly about it then you can get it out of the way now rather than finding out the hard way over the next few months.
The Way I Am Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 (edited) As I Christian, I don't like Christmas knowing the true origin of the holiday is not Christian. As someone who grew up poor and realizes that you don't need to give a bunch of presents on a designated day to show you care about people, I also don't like the forced consumerism of it. Especially in a new relationship, I don't enjoy being surrounded by a family I don't know who all are overly interested in getting to know me. But I wouldn't make other people feel bad for wanting to celebrate. Don't assume he's going to ruin the holiday for you unless he does. And don't assume he's just a "Grinch". Ideally, if Christmas is important to my partner, I would like them understand I don't want to be involved in their celebrations and not try to pressure or guilt me into going. Of course, it's always nice to be invited to things even if you don't want to go. So I wouldn't mind if he invited me but said he understands I don't want to go -- again without trying to make me feel guilty about not going. Some people (not myself) actually are hoping for invites to holidays but put up a front that they hate them because they've never been invited. I say give him a pressure-free invite. There's also no harm in asking him why he doesn't like the holiday, so you have some insight into his mind. You can see just from this thread there could be a lot of (justified) reasons he doesn't like it. That's assuming that whether or not he celebrates Christmas with you is not a deal-breaker. If it's important to you that your partner get excited for the holiday and attend celebrations, then you ought to move on. Don't expect him to change. Edited November 9, 2011 by The Way I Am
soserious1 Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 A good chunk of males cringe at the holiday season. Most, however, have sufficient character to care firstly about the needs of those around them...especially their partner and family. My girlfriend is ecstatic about us getting dressed up and going to a Christmas ballet. I'm not going to dampen her spirits by telling her I'd rather stay home, pop a beer and lay on the sofa. I'll do my best to make it a special evening for her hecause she's the most special person in the universe. We'll go out in the woods to cut a Christmas tree, bring it home, pop opon a bottle of wine and decorate it together...yup, I'll be missing some football. But my gal's happiness is a million times more important to me. Always ask...what's important in your life? What minimal effort or inconvenience do you do each day to take care of what's important to you? I can't stand friggin Christmas but I love my gal to pieces. Her needs trump everything else not because I 'have' to do anything but because her happiness is my happiness. Any guy who expresses disdain for the things that make his gal happy isn't being honest but is a self-centered dickhead. There's times in life just to dig down deep, suck it up and whistle a happy tune. Why do her needs trump all of yours? How about her saying things like "I'll go to the ballet with my mother & sisters, I'll leave a special dinner waiting at home for my man,along with cold beer & the TV remote, when I get home from the ballet I will be cheerful, eyes glowing, smiling,happy to see him,I will initiate sex & will not give him the cold shoulder or make his life a living hell because he didn't want to see men in tights jumping around" Don't YOU deserve to be cherished?
Author mortensorchid Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 Thank you everyone for your insights. I'm a bit strange, but I don't really like the decoration aspect of holidays (trees, lights, etc.) and the craziness around it, but I do like the aspect of going to parties and the gift exchange between family and close friends. I don't like the stress and crazy that tends to go with it, like most people I would imagine. I will take everyone's suggestions to heart. I don't have an office Christmas party to go to, so there will be no need for him to make an appearance at that. I have at least one holiday party to attend (that I know of at this time), but I won't ask him to that. I've learned to keep things on the down low, since I've only been seeing him for about 2-3 months now and by the holidays it will be 4 months, he'll get a sweater or a hoodie. Something nice but not over the top. And Yukon, you're awesome. I'd buy YOU a bottle of wine and drink it with you for your insights. I wish all guys were as courteous as you were towards your girlfriend.
dasein Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 More detail needed. Some people hate certain aspects of Christmas but don't mind others at all. Try to find out what specifically he hates about it and then don't do those things.
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