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OW question re: separation experience, issues


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Posted

As someone who has been the OW for approximately 1.5 yrs, I am now in a confused space and need some insight. MM has been in 16 yr marriage, 2 kids, no sex 8 yrs, no kiss on the lips for 2 yrs, ... the hallmarks of a marriage without intimacy and other issues. He left the house 2 months ago, has been going to IC and his emotions are all over the place. Wife knows of affair, they had agreed to divorce prior, then he confessed affair, now it's been toxic to a large degree. Anyway, it's been challenging for us the whole way and he recently has told me he can't see me, can't give me what I need now, is grieving his marriage, ...

 

Needless to say I am bummed, pissed, confused, and really tired. Is he trying to go back? He has a lawyer and is scheduled for divorce mediation soon. But I don't know why he'd throw me out at this point. Does anyone have insight or experience to share? BTW, not sure if he's throwing me away totally or temporarily. Thanks.

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Posted

Thanks J, but I did mean to post here only because I thought that some of the folks getting separated may have had this issue. I want to hear the voices of those separating/divorcing.

Posted

My advice would be to give him some space and focus on your own well-being.

 

Maybe in a year or so you can check back on him and see what progress he has made. I mean, how can any of us really know how things will play out? There's too many variables.

 

Sound like a plan?

Posted

You need to look at this from your MM's POV. He is stressed about his M and just starting D proceedings. Whether he was having an exit A or not, only he can know that. But he seems to be doing the right thing now. He needs space to sort out his problems and can't deal with both you and the BS right now.

 

I don't think he's trying to go back although it could happen. Just give him the space he needs and avoid adding to his stress.

Posted

He may get a better divorce settlement if you are not in the picture. If this was his plan though, I would have thought he would have discussed it a bit more openly with you.

Posted
is grieving his marriage, ....

 

Surely you can understand this

Posted
But I don't know why he'd throw me out at this point. Does anyone have insight or experience to share? BTW, not sure if he's throwing me away totally or temporarily. Thanks.

 

If he can chuck away a long-time marriage,

then it's easy to chuck away a short-lived fling like yours (in comparison).

 

You can do all the math in the world til your head hurts (e.g. number of years his wife hasn't kissed or slept with him -- which I find a little gross and violating to the man's wife that this is shared information, but there you go), but it's not going to stack up to the fact that he married this woman for x-number of years and had kids with her.

 

You - literally - take a backseat to this guy's life.

 

Sorry if I'm sounding harsh, but looking for sympathy in this particular forum is going to be a tough road for you since so many men & women are here because they've been cuckolded (or whatever the female equivalent is) and seen their marriages go up in smoke due to awful equivocation on the part of their wayward spouse and their OM/OW.

Posted

Unfortunately it is not uncommon for the WS to have regrets when faced with the reality that they are losing their marriage and life as they knew it. Nothing brings greater clarity to them than this. This is why so many WS's go back home or terminate the affair after it is exposed.

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