blacktambourine Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 I wasn't sure where to turn since the advice of friends is so much easier said than done, so here I am. I was with my ex for three years. It wasn't all good. He had sort of an anti-social personality, which really put a damper on some of my close friendships. He didn't like to go out. He became jealous and upset very easily. And of course, like every unhealthy relationship, these things seemed to go right out the window whenever we were enjoying our time together. None of this is the point. I broke up with him a few weeks ago because his distant attitude was getting to be too much. He hadn't seen me in several days and told me it was because he was "exhausted from work." He started getting all depressed because he felt he wasn't spending enough time on his "music" (he hasn't even applied to grad school yet). I tried giving him advice, but nothing I said was good enough. I felt myself quickly sinking to the bottom of his list of priorities. He expressed no interest in compromising, or finding a solution to fix anything, so I ended it. Of course I then went ahead and begged for him back, to which he said no. I won't lie, I'm so scared. I lost my dad 8 months ago, and another loss was like a shock to my system. He was there with me through it all. And now anytime I try to contact him, I'm ignored completely. I've written e-mails, sent texts, called - you name it. I just want to know how he was so easily able to cut me out of his life. It was all of a week prior to this that we were lying in my bed together, sick, watching stupid things on T.V. and just being so happy and close. I don't understand it. When we last spoke, he assured me that he wasn't seeing anyone else, and that he was still in love with me, but that he knew it was the right thing to do. But I just don't know. I don't understand the need for him to cut me out of his life completely, and that's what hurts the most. The latest was this: he returned a pair of boots I bought him for his birthday, along with one of my scarves, and inside of the box was the stuffed animal he bought me last valentine's day (which i had deliberately given back to him, along with everything else after we broke up). He then sent me a message: "Check outside of your kitchen door. Know that I love you, and I'm sorry. Take good care." Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated. This is completely screwing me up. I just want to be his friend, and he won't let me.
Kamila Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 He reminds me a bit of my ex boyfriend. I also break it off with him because there was a lack of commitment, compromise and progress within the relationship. The anti-social element of him also put a damper on us. But like me, I think you put up with all those factors because you love him. Unfortunately we're only human and sometimes our body says 'enough is enough'. 'I want more'. Which is understandable. After I broke it off I also had a period of wanting to be together again and him shutting me off. But then, on the contrary to you, I understood something else. I let go off him. I didn't text him, called him or did anything coming from me. And I got the opposite response out of him. To my suprise. Maybe you should do the same, and let him rest for awhile. Try to calm that storm in your heart. Don't let it control you.
M2155 Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 He probably wanted or needed a break as well. It was right of you since your needs were not being met. Agree with the above poster that you should let go for a while. You will either move on in time or he will get scared that he's lost you. Right now he knows he has not. Also, he's ignoring you so to keep reaching out to him is only hurting you and giving him the control.
Author blacktambourine Posted November 6, 2011 Author Posted November 6, 2011 You're both right. So right. It just hurts so bad, and it's SO hard to keep from picking that god forsaken phone up. I'm going to stop chasing him. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. I know this. It just hurts like hell in the mean time. Thank you for your advice, guys.
leoc1973 Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 Well as the guy. Who was broken up with for the same reasons you two gals broke up with your ex's I gotta tell ya I chased her around for a while but then I think we hit a breaking point. We say to ourselves I would have died for this girl and she had the balls to throw me out of her life? There isn't any bigger hurt you can give to a guy than that... nothing. I have hit this point now with my ex after I found out she has been with someone else. I think of her as ruined! Did you date someone else? Maybe that is where he is coming from. Or maybe after the initial hurt he realized that he is better off with no one nagging him to "be a better person" all the time. My advice is tell him that you love him want to be with him but you are going to start dating again. I guarantee he will come back if he knows you are going to go out with another man. A guy just cannot handle that. Just don't let him think you slept with anyone else cause that is a dealbreaker to some of us guys. Good luck and if you get him back remember this pain you feel now before you decide to dump him again.
M2155 Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 (edited) Well the guy in this case is ignoring her, so telling him she is going to date others (since they are broken up) probably will backfire more than anything. If he's happy about the breakup- which sometimes they are initially- he might think "yes, she's out of my hair!" Now when he finds out thorough the grapevine that she is dating and living her life without him, that's a different story. I just think since she's been constantly trying to contact him and he's not listening, it's not going to do any good to tell him anything more. That just shows him he has her and he already knows she loves him, plus he probably won't belive it since her actions have not said "i'm moving on" thus far. I think that's why you should just work on healing and plan to move-on for real. He may or may not come back, but there is nothing you can do to make him. Edited November 7, 2011 by M2155
Author blacktambourine Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 M2155 is right. And no, leoc1973 I didn't hook up or see anybody else. Nothing like that. I never nagged him to be a better person. I only told him how proud I was of him for his recent accomplishments, and how supportive I was of all the other things he wanted to do. He just gets so stuck inside of his own head and refuses to let anyone else in. But I stood up for myself and MY needs, and that's what sparked all of this. He was unwilling to take ME into consideration, or compromise, or anything of the sort. So I had to end it. Like I said, I had hoped that he would realize he was being foolish. But the opposite happened - he told me I was right. And I won't lie to you. I want him back. I really do. Because some part of me still stupidly and unrealistically feels that compromise CAN be made, and that all of the good meant something; that he's just in a dark place and will come out of it and realize how wrong he's been, and how hard I've tried, and how good I was. But I know that all of this is just stupid thinking. Because the fact still remains that he IGNORES me. And I ended the relationship because no, he was never going to change, and he most likely never, ever will. It just hurts and sucks is all. All I can think about are the what-ifs, and it's dragging me down. Also, telling him I slept with someone else would certainly hurt him but knowing him, it would most definitely, definitely push him away further. If he'd even ever read the message.
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