Separated 2 years...Back in Hell

[findingnemo]

How long can one handle manipulative, vindictive behaviour?

 

Briefly: I left my H, my house and my life almost three years ago in May. I took my kids with me. I have my own house, pay for everything from tuition, food, rent, health care, etc. Stbxh pays for nothing. His life's goal is to make my life hell. We have 3 kids (girl 7, boys 4 and 2.5yrs old). Ever since I left, all he does is talk trash about me. At first I thought it was to cover up the truth about his violent behaviour. But it still goes on and it's getting worse. Now he is acting, not just talking!!

 

He refuses to cooperate in the D proceedings. We don't have a no fault system here. You must cite reasons such as adultery and/ violence, abandonment, etc. I have begged him to give me a divorce and work with me by not contesting it. According to my lawyer, we need to agree on the faults (I'd really prefer that the domestic violence issue is not raised.) xH refuses to cooperate and flat out told me that he'd rather that we stay legally married.

 

I can handle all that but now he has escalated. now to the problem: our arrangement regarding the kids is that he takes them every Sunday, Christmas and half of the summer holiday. These were his demands and I've complied since May 2009. But recently things have changed. For one thing he refused to take the kids this last summer claiming he was busy with some big business deal:mad:. He's supposed to pick them up at 10:00 am on Sundays but had started coming late in the afternoon and taking them for only two or three hours. My kids were constantly getting disappointed so I took it upon myself to have them dropped off at his parents home at the appointed time. A couple of months ago, my kids told me in detail what they'd done at their grandparents house. Apart from the usual lunch and games, it seemed that they'd been asked a lot of questions about me, where I was, what I was doing, who comes to visit, etc. This has become a ritual. My kids tell me all the questions as well as the answers they give. Unfortunately for me, my kids (bless their hearts) give detailed answers.

 

I have male friends, single and married. My stbxh has found out that they come to my house, have purchased gifts such as clothes (not much, just Ben 10 and Hannah Montana stuff) and toys for my kids, Last week, there was major drama when someone called one of their wives and told her all sorts of crazy shiat implying that we are having an A. It caused so much drama but was contained mainly due to my time-consuming intervention. A couple of days ago, one of my single friends broke up with his girlfriend because...my stbxh managed to convince a cousin of the gf that I'm having an A with the bf thereby causing a major row. My friend claims his gf was too controlling and possessive anyway. So the row was the last straw in a long history of quarrels. I was so upset that on Friday I called my MIL and asked to meet her. I wanted to explain to her that her son's behaviour is harassment and that I wasn't comfortable with the interrogation of my children. She refused to see me although she didn't actually say it directly. She basically said she'd call me back and hasn't. So today (Sunday) I didn't send my kids over to her house. Nobody called me looking for them. I have heard nothing from their father or their grandparents.

 

My questions:

 

1. What will it take for me to be justified in refusing my stbxh visitation? The divorce case is still pending. I'm yet to complete the submission of a few documents to my lawyer. Can I refuse my xH ( stb...is just too long to keep typing) visitation pending a court order?

 

2. Am I justified in worrying about the effect the questions they ask my kids will have on them? Not only do they ask, they also comment on the answers. My 4 year old told them that they left me in bed because I'd gone out the night before and come home late. ( my kids sleep at 8:30pm so any later than that is late in their eyes). My son told me that my MIL made a comment to the effect that I'm very lazy and shouldn't be going out to nightclubs. For G's sake, I was at dinner!!!!!

 

3. How the f*ck does one deal with a person with Narcisstic Personality Disorder like my xH? I have LC because of the kids but nothing else. But he ( and his f*cked up family) are getting info from my kids such as the gifts they received, whose coming to my house, etc. His sister even asked my daughter once whether Mummy hugs and kisses all the "Uncles" that come to visit. WTF?

 

Any ideas? I've had it with this shiat! Sorry it was long.

[findingnemo]

Nobody? Did I post in the wrong forum?

 

Can I stop my xH from seeing my kids pending the D court proceedings? Is it immoral considering the circumstances? Has anyone had to do this?

[PegNosePete]

Which country are you in? Some of your spellings suggest the UK, if that is true then you can quite easily get a divorce without his co-operation or signature. What stage are you at in the divorce?

 

 

1. Don't drop them at their grandparents, it's nothing to do with them. They are your husband's children, it is his responsibility. Arrange a time for collection and drop-off. Tell him that if he fails to stick to the arrangements more than 2 or 3 times, you will not be so co-operative. Don't sweat a few minutes late or early but if turns up an hour late or drops them home 3 hours early, this is not acceptable. If he wants access then he needs to step up. Many men would love to have an ex wife who is so accommodating and co-operative as you.

 

2. There's not really much you can do about it. What your ex talks to them about on his time, is his business. Unless he is doing something really bad there isn't much you can do about it. I would simply ignore it; don't rise to the bait.

 

3. Ignore.

[thomasb]

Quote : 'Is it possible that this is the same thing? We label things in life based on right and wrong and our perspectives only change if we actually do these things? In my case, I hated cheating and never cheated in my Rs. I didn't like cheaters and specifically women cheaters (don't ask - it was some weird idea that a mother cheats on both her H and her kids). But once I became an OW, my thinking changed somewhat. For one thing, I could see how xMM ended up having an A and how torn he was between choosing me and his W and kids. It's not so black and white for me anymore.'

 

 

Maybe this is why he thinks you are a cheater. Because you have.

Edited November 7, 2011 by thomasb

[cavedweller]

nemo,

 

I think the only one who can help you is your lawyer...Do whatever you have to do to get your divorce.

[Owl]

I think that Cavedweller has the right of it.

 

You're asking for legal advice...that needs to go through your lawyer, not so much through LS. Anything you get here would have to be vetted through your lawyer anyway.

[2sunny]

Get the D final! And be honest - IF he's been abusive - state it and show your evidence!

 

IF the kids are his - have the court require him to pay child support whether he sees them or not.

 

Stop going to his parents expecting their support. They will always side with their son. You are giving them info to use against you.

 

And stop interacting with ANY man on a level that portrays you as the misguided mistress... You ARE doing it. I have many male friends - but I'm never accused of any inappropriate behavior mainly because I'm not inappropriate with them. Some are married - never do their wives wonder, as I don't interact on a level that makes others wonder if I would use menin that regard.

 

Your behavior is gonna get you into trouble - get the D finalized.

[findingnemo]

Which country are you in? Some of your spellings suggest the UK, if that is true then you can quite easily get a divorce without his co-operation or signature. What stage are you at in the divorce?

 

 

1. Don't drop them at their grandparents, it's nothing to do with them. They are your husband's children, it is his responsibility. Arrange a time for collection and drop-off. Tell him that if he fails to stick to the arrangements more than 2 or 3 times, you will not be so co-operative. Don't sweat a few minutes late or early but if turns up an hour late or drops them home 3 hours early, this is not acceptable. If he wants access then he needs to step up. Many men would love to have an ex wife who is so accommodating and co-operative as you.

 

That's how I felt at the beginning. They used to go to his (our former) house. When he stopped picking them up, his parents asked me to drop them off at theirs. In any case, the family has a Sunday Lunch tradition and that's where they'd go from his house. About sticking to arrangements, he's failed so many times. This is why I took it upon myself to endure they get there on time. I've complained, begged, discussed, negotiated and he just does the same crap. Yes, I've been too accommodating. Now I would like to stop giving him my kids.

 

 

2. There's not really much you can do about it. What your ex talks to them about on his time, is his business. Unless he is doing something really bad there isn't much you can do about it. I would simply ignore it; don't rise to the bait.The family is saying stuff about me in front of my kids. I don't care about me. But surely the kids will suffer for it. I know that I can't control what they say. I'm trying to control what my kids hear by not exposing them at all.

 

3. Ignore.

 

Thanks for you input. I do think I've been too accepting of his flaws. I thought I was doing what was best for my kids. They love him to bits and I know that it's because he spends so little time with them and that time is filled with games and laughter, etc.

 

ETA: I'm in an African country where the legal system is British. I think what you're referring to is what I'm going with. Let me talk to my lawyer.

Edited November 8, 2011 by findingnemo

[findingnemo]

Quote : 'Is it possible that this is the same thing? We label things in life based on right and wrong and our perspectives only change if we actually do these things? In my case, I hated cheating and never cheated in my Rs. I didn't like cheaters and specifically women cheaters (don't ask - it was some weird idea that a mother cheats on both her H and her kids). But once I became an OW, my thinking changed somewhat. For one thing, I could see how xMM ended up having an A and how torn he was between choosing me and his W and kids. It's not so black and white for me anymore.'

 

 

Maybe this is why he thinks you are a cheater. Because you have.

 

Thomas, I was responding in context to another question. No I'm not a cheater and have never had an EA or a PA during my M. I was an OW before I got M and that probably is why I understand cheating and the consequences.

[findingnemo]

Get the D final! And be honest - IF he's been abusive - state it and show your evidence!

 

IF the kids are his - have the court require him to pay child support whether he sees them or not.

 

Stop going to his parents expecting their support. They will always side with their son. You are giving them info to use against you.

 

And stop interacting with ANY man on a level that portrays you as the misguided mistress... You ARE doing it. I have many male friends - but I'm never accused of any inappropriate behavior mainly because I'm not inappropriate with them. Some are married - never do their wives wonder, as I don't interact on a level that makes others wonder if I would use menin that regard.

 

Your behavior is gonna get you into trouble - get the D finalized.

 

Lol! I wish the kids weren't his.

 

You're right about the trouble with male friends and their wives/ gfs. I must say though that my behaviour has not been inappropriate in any way. I have met someone but I hardly see him and never in my home. The male friends my xH is gossiping about have been my friends from before I was M and became his too. It's just crazy how he's trying to turn the friendships into something sordid. The one I was talking about (who was the target of the malicious gossip campaign) has now moved out of their home. His gf apologized to me yesterday saying that she knows for sure nothing is going on between us. They have their own issues that have now been exacerbated by my xH's games.

 

About his parents. I hardly go there. I understand that they love him and will never take my side on this issue. but I do speak to his mother a lot. She calls asking about the children sometimes. Most times I call her because one of the kids left something at her house and the driver needs to pick it up. The only way I can avoid making those calls is if the kids don't go there in the first place.

[findingnemo]

I met my lawyer yesterday morning and asked him what would happen if I simply refused my H to see my kids until a judge had ruled on it. He said my H could do one of two things:

 

1. He'd report me to Child Welfare Services (a division of our Police) and demand visitation. They would call me in to make a statement and ask me to allow visits. If I refuse, they will refer him to court.

 

2. He could go straight to court and file stating that he wants visitation.

 

Either way, it is a good thing for me. For one thing, Child Welfare mainly deals with child support. They can only arrest you if you fail to pay support on time. Since I'm the one looking after my kids 100%, they can't do anything to me.

 

If H goes to court directly, it will benefit me because the judge will order him to pay maintenance. When I finally file for divorce, there'll already be a case for child maintenance in which I'll have proved that I pay for everything and he doesn't. Regarding visitation and custody, our judges don't want to hear about behaviour and personalities. They give an automatic 50/50 with the same in maintenance. Should one parent fail to pay support consistently, the other can file for and will get full custody.

 

I'm working on the affidavits and such and hope to finish soon. My biggest issue is getting medical reports which for some reason my insurance company seems reluctant to do. The bloody Head of Medical Services asked me this morning if I really want to submit a report in court saying my ear drum was shattered by a punch from my H!!! Another worry is that I never reported any incidents to the Police. Now I have to detail them in an affidavit and hope for the best. Crap!!

 

Thank you all for your input. I feel totally overwhelmed with this sudden increase in malicious activity.