micahsmommy12 Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 (edited) I'm sure I am not the first person to start a thread like this, but since each situation is individual I thought I should start a new one. I am having a lot of trouble dealing with my breakup, even though he was abusive. I was with this man for about a year. He was just a mess really, no job, no money, not a pot to piss in. But for some reason (maybe because I myself was on the rebound) I let him come and live with me. At first it was fine, he was comforting to have around, and he became extremely close to my 2 year old son. They were best friends. Then as I started to get more and more frustrated with his lifestyle, I started lashing out verbally, and he quickly started physically abusing me. Actually looking back, I see instances of emotional abuse before the physical started. His reasons were "I didn't give him space", and I wouldn't "just shut up". He says that even though he was physically abusing me, I was emotionally abusing him. But I just had/ have so much anger I couldn't stop myself from wanting to lash out. And he was kind of...a total loser, and nobody in his life tells him the truth about his lifestyle. Well it got particularly bad about a month ago, he beat me up pretty badly, and he moved out that day. Of course a week later, he was back to I miss you, I love you, so on, and so forth. Come to find out he started dating someone within days of leaving my house. Now I am having such a hard time letting go of the ager, and the hurt, and him really. I am so hurt, and mad, that he would go through all that with me and be able to move on so quickly. And, on top of that my son loves him, and I feel so guilty. I know I shouldn't feel this way, I should feel relieved, but I am completely heartbroken. And the fact that I feel so bad, is making me feel even worse about myself for still loving someone like this. I try to go no contact, but I fail every time...I have always been one that easily expresses her feelings. I don't know why I feel the need to keep messaging him about all the damage he's done. I just can't stop trying to get him to understand. It's as if I think if he knows he's hurting my son and I, he will change his behavior, but I should really know better. Or if I make him go through this with me, then I won't be the only one in pain. I just feel betrayed, and like he is using this person to try and convince himself that I was the problem, because if he never hits her...then it was me (in his head). Why would I feel at all jealous? Even if he hadn't been abusive, I basically had to take care of him. Pay the bills, keep food on the table, it sucked. I wasn't happy, so why can't I let go? I look crazy to him, but why do I care? How do I move past this? Edited November 6, 2011 by micahsmommy12
AlisaMarie Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Abuse is terrible and can come in many forms... I am going through a breakup with emotional abuse with a tad of physical. Guess what? I love him and miss him everyday. However, my child does not. She's in her teens and she knew what he put me through for 2 years. Eventually... your son will know too. Our children subconsciously resent us for being such doormats trust me. I am glad your little boy is probably to young to remember how bad he hurt you. Abusive relationships are seriously like drugs. When they are good they are good. We are comforted and loved, and then we are belittled and degraded... but they love us... but they hate us. Sometimes they actually get us thinking that we could've done something better to save the relationship...like it was our fault that they treated us as they did. Oh... and the moving on so quickly, and lies about it. Count your blessings. He is gone. He will not hit you and make you feel less of a person. I understand that it hurts, and I am sure there is something about him that you fell in love with but now the relationship is unhealthy and toxic. If he abuses you, what makes you think your little boy is safe? What if you little boy upsets him? You have to just eliminate contact and start a new life. Please.
Author micahsmommy12 Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 Yes, everything you said was right. I knew since he left I could never really be with this man again. But it does hurt to know that he is able to find someone else who "makes him so happy" when I am left picking up the pieces of his abuse. It's not that I am heartbroken we are not together. I am heartbroken that I went through this, that he obviously didn't love me, and that this is where I have let my life take me. Actually, after yesterday mornings bout of self pity, I received an email from his ex before me. We had been friends years ago. She heard of our breakup, and let me know that even though he did not get physical with her, he was mentally and verbally abusive. she had mostly the same opinions and complaints about him. So I was assured that, in fact, there was nothing I could've done differently. No matter how nice I was to him (his ex is honestly top 5 nicest, mature, and caring women I have ever met), he would've treated me like $h^&! He is just a user, and abuser, and his sense of entitlement is almost crippling. He has no ambition, and no moral compass. Today is the first day I have not a shed a tear, and I'm starting to feel a lot better.
ChelseaLS Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Yes, everything you said was right. I knew since he left I could never really be with this man again. But it does hurt to know that he is able to find someone else who "makes him so happy" when I am left picking up the pieces of his abuse. It's not that I am heartbroken we are not together. I am heartbroken that I went through this, that he obviously didn't love me, and that this is where I have let my life take me. Actually, after yesterday mornings bout of self pity, I received an email from his ex before me. We had been friends years ago. She heard of our breakup, and let me know that even though he did not get physical with her, he was mentally and verbally abusive. she had mostly the same opinions and complaints about him. So I was assured that, in fact, there was nothing I could've done differently. No matter how nice I was to him (his ex is honestly top 5 nicest, mature, and caring women I have ever met), he would've treated me like $h^&! He is just a user, and abuser, and his sense of entitlement is almost crippling. He has no ambition, and no moral compass. Today is the first day I have not a shed a tear, and I'm starting to feel a lot better. I was never in an abusive relationship, but one of my good friends was and I watch her everyday since she left him 5 months ago, struggle to get over him. Granted I think there are some destructive things she is doing that are not helping her move on, but I can only tell her that and be there for her. She says often, that she should be mad and hate him, but she can't seem too. She says she loves him so much. He however is working on himself, stopped drinking, got a good paying job, bought a new truck, etc. he is working on himself as he regrets loosing her. It's a crazy thing.
Author micahsmommy12 Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 I really think that AlisaMarie was right, abusive relationships become an addiction. They make you feel like ****, then THEY are the ones who make you feel good again. Sooner than you think you begin to believe they are the only thing that will make you feel good. But in my experience the only thing that has made me feel good so far was cutting him off completely (even though its only been 24 hours lol). I think the fact that he is willing to turn his life around is a good thing for HIM, but I also think the only way a man will change for a women is if she leaves and stays gone FOREVER! But I know how hard that is. Hell, if my ex made significant strides in his life, it would be hard for me not to want to be around him, but fortunately for me he is a professional loser so that's probably not going to happen!
ChelseaLS Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I really think that AlisaMarie was right, abusive relationships become an addiction. They make you feel like ****, then THEY are the ones who make you feel good again. Sooner than you think you begin to believe they are the only thing that will make you feel good. But in my experience the only thing that has made me feel good so far was cutting him off completely (even though its only been 24 hours lol). I think the fact that he is willing to turn his life around is a good thing for HIM, but I also think the only way a man will change for a women is if she leaves and stays gone FOREVER! But I know how hard that is. Hell, if my ex made significant strides in his life, it would be hard for me not to want to be around him, but fortunately for me he is a professional loser so that's probably not going to happen! Lol I love that "professional loser". Well I am glad that cutting him off even if just for 24hrs has made you feel better, and it will only get better with time. Be proud you have moved on.
joseph17 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 When in an abusive relationship it always seems harder for some reason to move on. It's crazy and you think it would be the other way around but it is not. You see all the time people not able to get out of an abusive relationship for whatever reason it is. I think for you it was the fast that you let this man get close to your son and then he turned around and ran out of his life without a care. That hurts and when they move on so easily it feels like what you went through was for nothing and feel used. You can do better than having to take care of man it should be the other way around. My advice to you is to find why you decided to be with a man like this. You definitely don't want to choose the same kind of guy again right? Start healing yourself and do things that make you feel good. You have to start loving yourself again and be happy. Look at the positive side as you have a good life without him and there was no set backs as you were doing it all anyway. You have a good job, your own house,a son and life will only get better. And try to remember that a rebound hardly ever works out as there is too many emotions left unsettled after a break up. Hang in there and keep strong with NC. The longer you go the easier it gets.
Author micahsmommy12 Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 You are all right. Thanks you for the support. I realize I am not crazy, just in a bad place emotionally but I can get out of it. The fact that he hurt my son does add some salt to the wound, but he is less than an even mediocre father to his own kids, so really I am the one who hurt my son, which I will NEVER do again! But he is only 2 so he is pretty resilient, he hasn't even mentioned him lately. I have thought many times since the breakup that I do really need to get to the bottom of what it is that attracts me to this kind of man, and what it is about me attracts them to me. This was not the first time I had experienced abuse in my relationships. Maybe a little counseling will help, I just have to find it free in my area. But, I am committed to moving on, and getting myself into a better place mentally for me and my son. And finally letting go of all the things he had STILL been storing in my garage (yes, he found someone else before he even got the rest of his belongings), was also a big help to let myself know it was over and I was giving him WAY too much control over my emotions. I posted it in the free section of my local Craigslist lol! Some might say it's counter-productive to seek any revenge, but he was just using it to control me. And what kind of 34 year old man can't get 40 bucks together for a uhaul to get his things from his ex girlfriends house? I don't feel bad, I didn't owe him any favors. Phew!
joseph17 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 You are all right. Thanks you for the support. I realize I am not crazy, just in a bad place emotionally but I can get out of it. The fact that he hurt my son does add some salt to the wound, but he is less than an even mediocre father to his own kids, so really I am the one who hurt my son, which I will NEVER do again! But he is only 2 so he is pretty resilient, he hasn't even mentioned him lately. I have thought many times since the breakup that I do really need to get to the bottom of what it is that attracts me to this kind of man, and what it is about me attracts them to me. This was not the first time I had experienced abuse in my relationships. Maybe a little counseling will help, I just have to find it free in my area. But, I am committed to moving on, and getting myself into a better place mentally for me and my son. And finally letting go of all the things he had STILL been storing in my garage (yes, he found someone else before he even got the rest of his belongings), was also a big help to let myself know it was over and I was giving him WAY too much control over my emotions. I posted it in the free section of my local Craigslist lol! Some might say it's counter-productive to seek any revenge, but he was just using it to control me. And what kind of 34 year old man can't get 40 bucks together for a uhaul to get his things from his ex girlfriends house? I don't feel bad, I didn't owe him any favors. Phew! There is usually a phone hot line in your area that can help you. Also I would look on here to see if anyone has any ideas or you can vent to. I am glad to see you got rid of his stuff that was his way of trying to hold on to you anyway. I have a friend that keeps holding all his exs stuff too and I tell him everyday to get rid of it and he would feel a lot better. And I would have no sympathy either for someone who didn't help me.
josem Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 You need to ask from the expert your situation is so hard, You need to talk to your ex why he's acting like that, maybe he had something that he need or want to you, aproach him that's the right way to settle your situation.
AlisaMarie Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 The problem with these abusive men moving on so quickly is that they find a new victim to enable them. They cry to them, play the victim, and make us out to be not worthy of their love because of how crazy WE were. Girls are suckers for that stuff but if you do research on abusive men, that's actually a HUGE red flag. Your posts and responses gives me chills because I feel as if I am going through the same episodes of hate and why did I let myself go through this. I feel you. I am on 2 weeks of the breakup. In the past he would come back around within a couple weeks and express how much he is going to change and I am the only one for him. I have accepted that he can be someone else's problem. Although I have all of these confused feelings about myself and him, I also feel as if some chains have been broken off of me. Some people can change! I totally believe that. But those with bipolar or BPD that deny and project will probably never. That is what I was dealing with. It's a lost cause. Stay strong and beautiful!
AlisaMarie Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 You need to ask from the expert your situation is so hard, You need to talk to your ex why he's acting like that, maybe he had something that he need or want to you, aproach him that's the right way to settle your situation. I have to disagree. She should not talk to her ex. He will lie, he will project, he will blame her. It's like playing with fire... no it's like playing with a bomb! Get rid of his stuff, forget him, move on. Easier said than done... I know! But it's your only option. Trying to talk to an abuser will only make him put guilt onto you and even give him and opportunity to come back... which is not a good idea what so ever. It hurts worse then leaving a healthy relationship because you have so many questions about your own dignity. You never get closure. You start to questions if the demise of the relationship was your fault. Out of site... out of mind. Live by it for you and your beautiful child. You both deserve better.
Author micahsmommy12 Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 That is exactly what is happening. I had seen a few says after our breakup that this girl had posted on his facebbok page a bunch of encouraging thing about how it gets better and "surround yourself with people that bring you up, not down". I"m like are you joking? He is such a charmer it makes me sick. She obviously doesn't know what really happened. Actually I started another thread because I feel the need to warn her. I am about 75% percent sure that I am going to. I mean this man beat the crap out of me! The only 25% is my worry of his retaliation. But I think it's the right thing to do, maybe she won't take it seriously, but she will remember, Maybe I can save her from some serious headaches. Or maybe I'm just spiteful....
AlisaMarie Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 You will only look like a jealous fool if you "try" to warn her. He is putting on his charm and she will only have to find out for herself. It's time to worry about number 1, and that's you... Crazy people will only take it as far as we let them, hopefully his new girl will take the red flags as a warning but unfortunately, most of us are too infatuated with the whirlwind of the beginning of a romantic relationship.
Author micahsmommy12 Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 Well....I did, and you were right. She has drank the kool-aid. As soon as he found out he sent me an email telling me that he had been cheating with her for 2 months before our relationship ended. And the entire time, we had been together he had been sleeping with 2 sisters that live in my town. All the while living at my house, not contributing jack****, and beating me up on a regular basis. He is by far and away, the absolute WORST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME! Yup, counseling is definitely in order. I know this is not my fault, but NEVER will I ignore one red flag again! From now on I'm going to need a detailed background check, a complete credit report, 3 personal references, and the names and numbers of your last 3 girlfriends. And I'm deleting my facebook account.
fallenenvy Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 You will only look like a jealous fool if you "try" to warn her. He is putting on his charm and she will only have to find out for herself. It's time to worry about number 1, and that's you... Crazy people will only take it as far as we let them, hopefully his new girl will take the red flags as a warning but unfortunately, most of us are too infatuated with the whirlwind of the beginning of a romantic relationship. She is right unfortunately. Trying to warn other women is pointless. (as i found out...) but don't worry about it. He's trash and if she stays with him.. she probably is too.. and sadly.. abusive men don't "find that one person" and suddenly stop. Im glad to read you are feeling better though and will learn from your experiences. I will also tell you from mine that there will probably be days where you feel sad again.. and you miss him (though probably not many as you have clearly realized what an ahole he is.) I know that after i left my abusive man i would feel ok.. then bad... then ok.. etc. Until i realized what he did to me and who he was.. and i havnt hurt again.. at least not in that way. i sometimes have panic attacks and other problems.. but i don't miss him for one minute and i find the extreme contempt for him comforting. congratulations to you for kicking his sorry butt to the curb and moving on with your life. I'm not sure that being so hard on anyone in the future is a good idea either tho. Perhaps just take it slowly and carefully.. but you will find a man that is good for something... and i find that is very refreshing. The man after my abusive relationship reminded me that there are good men in the world that wouldn't dream of hitting you or breaking you down. Best of luck to you and i'm always so proud to hear a woman break away from an abuser.
Author micahsmommy12 Posted November 11, 2011 Author Posted November 11, 2011 Thank you for the encouraging words. Unfortunately, although I do realize what a piece of work he is, this has really just made it worse. I don't know why I felt the need to warn her. He had already been manipulating her into thinking I was a horrible person before we even broke up (little did I know). Now I have just cemented the idea. She thinks me telling her about the horrible beating he gave me was immature, and I am a "vulgar" (?) person. I don't know what he has said. But when he started sending me abusive messages, saying I deserved the beating and that he only regrets not hurting me worse, I completely lost it. I went on a facebook hate campaign. What am I doing? I don't know why I have this need to feel like he is sorry. What am I fighting for? I know it would not change anything. I just can't believe this is where I am at. I am a good person, albeit I can be very ....I suppose cutting with my words, and I can be vengeful. But deep down, I have a very big heart. I am extremely sensitive, when things hurt me, it is not easy for me to just let it go. Is he just a sociopath? I let him get so close to my son, I helped him when no one would, and this the thanks I get? Cheating on me, all the while abusing me behind closed doors? I feel so hurt, and betrayed. I don't know if I'll ever be the same person I was before. I had been with a cheater before, I didn't want to be "that girl", who snoops, and is preoccupied with their partners coming and goings. I trusted him...and he betrayed me in the most despicable, ultimate ways. I don't know how to get over this.
AlisaMarie Posted November 11, 2011 Posted November 11, 2011 I love how you quoted "that girl." I was "that girl" when I was younger... but let me tell you, if you had nothing to worry about in the first place, "that girl" would never have to shine through. I also never wanted to be that girl, but after 6 breakups (3 of them for the same girl) and mental abuse beyond belief... I gradually became "that girl." You have every right to question someone's where abouts if you feel as you are being betrayed to an extent. With abusive relationships, however, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't in any situation with the abuser because they will project onto you their own guilt and make you out to be the monster. I was the psycho and the bitch when I seriously wore a halo the ENTIRE relationship. What are they going to tell their new girlfriend, that we were beautiful and perfect but they just wanted to eff someone new?
Author micahsmommy12 Posted November 12, 2011 Author Posted November 12, 2011 You know....I really didn't think I was being betrayed. I don't know why. I guess I figured...who would really want him? I figured, somehow, he had to have more respect for me than to be cheating. Why? I forget that just like there are skeezy men in the world, there are also women who are just like that. Whatever, this girl thinks she has won. Our breakup has upgraded her to the number 1 position, and she is no longer second fiddle. I can't wait until she realizes what her prize actually is. But I'm sure now that she's been warned he will be on his best behavior. Ugh! I know he will say what he has to in order to continue manipulating her. I have never, ever been treated so poorly. And I'm still shocked that there are women out there who will cheat with a man, know he abused his girlfriend, and still think he was a prize. I have met this girl, she smiled in my face, his family smiled in my face and they knew. His own mother kept this up for him. I have lost a lot of faith in the goodness of people. I suppose I will bounce back, but I can't imagine going through something like this again. On top of that, I have a mutual friend, who has a friend....who I never cared for. She always wanted him, and was not happy when he was with me. He has spent the last year making fun of her. Guess who he has taken a new interest in? Gross, gross, gross. Now on top of going to the counselor, I have to go the clinic for an STD test. This is just devastating.
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