katiekat12 Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 Hi everyone. I've never posted here before but I just feel so desperate for some advice I thought I would share my story. I was with my ex bf for 2 years until I broke up with him 3 months ago. Let me make it clear the reason for the break up. Everyone seems to think the dumper is cruel and heartless but that is far from the truth in my situation. I loved him intensely, I still do. He was my first love, my first time, and I thought I would never be with anyone else. I am crying as I write this because it hurts so much still. I became frustrated that he was unwilling to compromise on things which now seem trivial to me..things like, he would never spend the night with me. He would always leave to go home rather than sleep in bed with me, saying he just felt uncomfortable being out of his own environment, but assured me it was not personal and that was just how he is. I begged him to shift on it to at least maybe once a fortnight, once a month even. I felt so angry that after 2 years together, I'd only slept in the same bed as my bf about 15 times. We were also bickering about things like going away on holiday...he never really wanted to and I begged him to. I would look up destinations and he would grunt and say maybe. I wanted so much for him to share more things with me, to experience things together, but he seemed to just want to sit in front of the tv (preferrably at his house, not mine) and I felt like I was screaming so loud but he couldn't or wouldn't listen. I also moved far from where my family and friends live to be closer to him one year into the relationship. We met when I was at college, and when I finished I went back home (a flight away) and we went Long distance for A few months. I then got a job back where I met him (but in a different city) and started afresh. But I still have no real friends here and I know I relied on him a lot. He was everything to me, my family, my best and only friend. This did out pressure on us, but mostly because I felt so frustrated that I gave up so much to be with him and he wasn't willing to bend on a few things to make me happy. Eventually I felt like I'd had enough and told him if he didn't change these things, I could no longer be with him. So he left and that was that. I begged for him to consider compromising, not even changing and he just said I should accept him as he is. I am ashamed to admit I begged him to come back, that I love him just the way he is etc. I called and emailed and text and only pushed him back more. About a month and a half ago though he agreed to meet me, but said he didn't want to be pushed into deciding whether we should get back together. I was so happy just to vaguely have him back in my life. For 2 weeks we text every day, he told me he loved me and missed me. We met and went out for dinner and he held my hand across the table and said he loved me so much. I felt I was home after all my pain. I didn't push anything, but after this I could tell he was pulling away again. Weeks went by and he didn't suggest seeing me again, and if I asked if he thought about 'us' getting back together, he would shut down on me. Yet he was still calling me by my pet name in texts, declaring his love, sending good morning and goodnight sweeties etc. It messed my head up and eventually I told him it's all or nothing for me. He cried and said he just doesnt see what would change to make us better. We went no contact for 11 days and then I text just to ask how he is doing a couple of days ago. He said he is so sad, and saw pictures of me on facebook and he said I looked beautiful and it made him cry. I tried to stay light, told him that I missed him very much and he knows what my feelings are. And we left it on good enough terms I'm pretty sure if he really wanted me, he would have come back by now. It hurts so much. I love him so so so much, and I only want to be with him. It is better than the initial time after break up when I couldn't even get out of bed or stop crying. But it's been 3 months since the initial break up and he is still in my head and my heart all day every day. I just can't let go. I'm sorry this has been so long, thank you for reading. Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thanks guys.
ChelseaLS Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 First... My ex isn't an evil bad guy or jerk either and he dumped me. Secondly.. Sounds like you pushed him away with your demands of compromise and fixing things. I am not judging you, I pushed away my ex by doing some of that and smothering him. I failed to realize we needed seperated lives within our relationship. You need to go NC and work on you. I repeat this message to nearly everyone, but it helps a broken person regain their confidence, self esteem and start to heal.
Author katiekat12 Posted November 6, 2011 Author Posted November 6, 2011 I am really trying to work on me, I have been trying all this time. It's just so hard and I can't imagine my future without him. I feel so lost and so alone and scared. I wish I'd never met him so I didn't have to feel this way. It bothers me more because I know he still loves me too, and he is sad as well. If I knew he was fine without me then it would be easier for me to move on, I think. I miss him so much and after all this time I still wake up in the morning and feel like bursting into tears straight away. It is such an awful pain
ChelseaLS Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 Hehe you sound like I did. I said I wished I never met my ex so I didn't feel this lol. I get it, it's really hard when it wasn't a bad break up. My other ex from years ago, when he broke up with me I found out he was cheating on me and then those two got together. In that cAse it hurt but was WAY easier to get over and move on because I was mad. This time I have nothing to be mad about... Like you. That's why I say go NC. It will help. I work with my ex so I can't go NC but I do LC and I feel a little bit better everyday.
Author katiekat12 Posted November 6, 2011 Author Posted November 6, 2011 How long will it take to work? The messed up thing about it is that I don't want to get over him...Im ashamed to admit it. I want to love him and have him in my life. I'm so tired and just wish this wasn't happening.
DownNotOut Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 It's hard to tell how long it takes NC to work - it's different for everyone. By doing so, it allows you to move on and not rehash the past. If he wants to be in your life - he will come back, but at this point you need to assume that he is gone and work on you.
TheDovic Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 Hi Katie, My ex and I have been apart for almost 4 months now. Like you and your ex we both love each other so much but like your ex there are problems she can't seem to get past. I can't stop hurting, and no matter what I do I can't seem to ease the pain I feel. She is also feeling this pain and cries every day. In reality though 3/4 months isn't a long time though, so maybe with time we will heal!
D87 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I think you are 100% right in ending it. What kind of future can you have with this dude when he doesn't even want to sleep with you or go away on a trip with you after 2 years together?
Author katiekat12 Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 Yeah, I know what you're saying. I know it is important to me that he stayed over and wanted to, but now I just think oh what did it matter...I had HIM. Now I'm all alone. I have virtually no friends here and I just feel so lonely. I wish he would come back to me, but I suppose I just need to tell myself it wouldn't have made me happy in the long run. Sigh
joseph17 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 who in there right mind doesn't spend the night with their loved one after 2 years?! That alone would have drove me crazy too!! There is something wrong if he didn't want to sleep in the same bed as you. Did you want to get married and sleep in different rooms or beds? that just sound absurd to me and would have made me feel just like you. You can find someone better who will actually give you the comfort you need. I don't think this would have ended up in your favor so work on yourself and forget him
Author katiekat12 Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 I know. I told him so many times it was ridiculous and people think it's weird. He just told me to accept him as he is. He actually said it wasn't about sleeping in the same bed as me, but that it was spending the night away from home, not in his own space. I know, weird isn't it. We did go on trips away together lots of times (short trips) and he didn't have a problem those times, but they were few and far between. I just thought that after moving so far away from home for him the least he could do is sleep over with his girlfriend who was all alone here. But everything else about us was wonderful. I just miss my best friend so much I wish so much it could be different..
danny1972 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 my ex is still in my head and heart a year and a half later , true love cant be dismissed doesnt mean you cant move on it just means they pop in to your head even 10 yrs from now , but by then you wouldn't give a damn just means they meant something ......once
Author katiekat12 Posted November 8, 2011 Author Posted November 8, 2011 I am crying so hard....I'm sorry to be a moaner. It just hurts so much and I have to let this out in some way. I love him so much. Noone gets it. Noone else in this world knows what we had together, only he and I and it was really something special. It feels like i might die from this...dramatic as it sounds...it's absolutely killing me and I don't know how much more of this life I can actually take. What life is it when you feel this way......
ChelseaLS Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 I am crying so hard....I'm sorry to be a moaner. It just hurts so much and I have to let this out in some way. I love him so much. Noone gets it. Noone else in this world knows what we had together, only he and I and it was really something special. It feels like i might die from this...dramatic as it sounds...it's absolutely killing me and I don't know how much more of this life I can actually take. What life is it when you feel this way...... Katiekat12 I understand your feelings of hurt, dying inside and that you feel like no one in the world understands you or your relationship you had with him. But you're allowing yourself to be stuck here in this horribly painful limbo... where you don't want to let him go and you don't want to move on. You will be stuck there forever and become very bitter and ruin your next relationship if you don't deal with this. There was life before him and there will be life after him. You made it without him before and you will again. You need to sit down and remind yourself of that, and pick yourself up as hard as it is (at the begining I would literally have to verbalize it to myself, to get up and get going), and work on you. I know you feel all alone, but there are millions of people out there going through heartache just as bad and in some situations worse, and they keep moving forward. You can do it.
lymtal1 Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 katie, read your post and want to throw something out to you. is it possible that you are not missing him as much as you are missing being in a relationship with someone? i might be totally wrong but i sense that you know in many instances that you may be settling with him. you are afraid to be alone and be without him but you know deep down that there are things, and these seem to be important to you that you do not get from him. i know you love him very much. you have to figure out are you willing to compromise "things" that might make your relationship so much more fufilling to you. sometimes we just can't change people as they do not want to change. and actually why should he? he has indicated that he wants you just to accept him for who he is. it is true that sometimes we are not meant to be together. i don't mean fate and all that, but real issues that affect the ability for us to make it. and i know it because i am there right now. i love this girl so so much but i know we can't be together because we are so very different. i can't make it work if i am the only one trying to change. you can't either. if you think you honestly can be ok with the way he is then what do you have to do to make it work? is it even a possibility? then ask yourself are you selling yourself short? and that the things that you are missing with him are really important. and you are just trying to convince yourself they are not cause you don't want to deal with the pain and heartbreak. time to be honest with yourself. you can get through this, there are so many of us that have been where you are sitting right now and we are coping. yes it will be tough but you can get through this in time and with work.
Author katiekat12 Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 Thanks Chelsea and lymtal...I appreciate your help. I was on such a downer last night but as always managed to pick myself up and get on with things. Lymtal I don't think there is any possibility of getting back together even if he wanted to. I already went down the route of saying all the things I said I wanted don't matter, that I just want him, because it was so painful. But he just kept saying he knew he couldn't make me happy. I think part of it is guilt on his part for me moving away from my home for him, and worrying about the future together if I am so far away from home because he would never agree to leaving HIS home for me. I know I am lying to myself when I say all those things don't matter, I just wish they weren't an issue, because I love him so so much. The pain is not really going away after all this time and I am doing everything I have been advised to do. I just want to know how I can ACCEPT we are over, because I still have hope he will want to come back even though he can;t give me important things I wanted......sigh
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