Wife Cheated and I'm Very Lost

[rosskey77]

I need to get this out as there is on one for me to talk to about this at this time. I have been married for 11 years (celebrated our anniversary two days ago). Yesterday I discovered my wife had been texting romantically with a high school friend. I asked her about it and she admitted that it had been happening for some time. During the course of the conversation, I discovered that she was doing the same thing with ANOTHER high school friend. THEN THE BOMB DROPPED...since she was coming clean on those things she also came clean that she had been having a physical affair for the last five months with a friend of mine. She also admitted that she had developed feelings for him. She tells me that she wants to rebuild our marriage, she tells me repeatedly that she is sorry, that she ruined things, that she wishes it never happened and that she doesn't want to lose me. We have two kids...I'm heartbroken, I don't know how to proceed and I am cut to the core.

 

I ask her what she would do in my shoes...she says she probably could never get past it and that our marriage would probably never be a level playing field. She can't understand why I can still talk to her and why I'm not flying off the handle...I explain that the decisions I'm now faced with are going to have life long repercussions and losing my temper is not going to help that.

 

Maybe it's too early on since I've found out...but I CAUGHT her...she didn't come clean until I ASKED her...what's to say this wouldn't have gone on for another year behind my back and what is different with the way she feels now that I know and before I had any clue...is it her having fear now that she's going to lose me...and if so, why didn't that stop her from doing this in the first place...why didn't the fear of the implications this would have had on our children not stop her. She says if we try to carry on, we should do counseling...but why not suggest that when she was first having these urges? Counseling then might have healed a small scrape...but it feels like it would be a bandaid on a gapping wound at this point.

 

I'm very lost at this point...Don't know if I can love again...don't know if I can trust again and worry about my kids and how this will effect them.

[kaleidoscope]

I'm very sorry to hear that.

 

You might be able to find a good counselor to at least help you through, even you don't stick together.

 

The key question in these situations always seems to be why? Why did she do it.

 

I just read the following article http://ca.shine.yahoo.com/why-i-cheated-on-my-husband.html

 

Not sure it helps but ...

 

Or sometimes there is no rhyme or reason at all. Just bad behavioral issues in some people, doesn't mean they are bad in my opinion but very lost.

 

Please take care of yourself and take things day to day.

[kaleidoscope]

And I commend you on being level-headed and calm.

 

Keep us posted. I know a friend who had a rocky time with this too but now he is well.

[jnj express]

Take plenty of time, and think about everything----

 

You need to get to the WHY, of all of this----cheating on you, and just as importantly wrecking the lives of her children

 

She knew what she was doing every step of the way---yet she has been with one man, and given her heart to 2 others, totally treating you as a POS, in her mind---and do not let her tell you differently, cuz one human being does not subject another to such hurt, pain, and misery, if they love them---and she knew what the repercussions to you, and her kids would be.

 

I don't know how YOU come back from this---for your sub-conscious will wreak havoc with your conscious

 

Do not under any circumstances---be mr. nice-guy, or lovey-dovey---she has to know she has murdered, the mge., destroyed you, and wrecked nuclear winter, on the family----she never thought she would be caught, and she just blatantly has cheated with multiple men, and could care less, no matter what she tries to day---there is nothing she can say in her defense!!!!!!

 

Please do not accept I love you's from her, as that is pure BS---she has been screwing your friend, then coming home looking you in the eye, and saying everything was fine---even as you were scheduled for sloppy 2nds, that same night, and even while she was whispering sweet nothings to 2 other men

 

I do not know how you can even look at her, in all honesty---At this point think about any future ----a future with her will trigger you day after day, and more than likely your kids will see nothing but a future of no trust, no love, and misery---is that what you want them to have to endure

 

She is more than likely in damage control, and will welcome anything you give her, as she knows if you D., her, she is out on her own, as a single, divorced, mother, with the label of adultress---knowing she may have to work multiple jobs, just to break even each month----her future is bleak, and she knows it---but do not be her banker, and take her back for those reasons---even tho having cheated with multiple men, I am not sure why you would take her back for ANY reason.

 

Please tell the wives/spouses of her 3 lovers as they should know what kind of scum they are married to.

[kaleidoscope]

I also recommend finding a REAL friend to talk to about this. Someone you can trust and who is relatively neutral about it.

 

Try not to dwell on only one feeling because I saw how it pulled my friend into the depths.

 

Too much hatred will only bring more hatred. Too much sadness will only bring more sadness.

 

But feel what you must feel.

 

Find an outlet like exercise to blow off steam when you need to.

 

Read some relationship books to understand things. Even read with your wife if possible. She is the one who needs to read the most and learn.

 

If she is unwilling to learn I think all is lost in my opinion. There is a lot to learn in relationships. How to treat each other and how to build respect.

 

Also know that many many people have gone through this and know about all the feelings you may be going through.

[carhill]

Hi OP, welcome to LS

 

My sympathies.

 

I think a good start for you would be to read a few threads from other men. I'll link a few.

Can I save this?

 

How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

 

Mixed signals - Trying to move forward

 

Still hanging on

 

The last three threads are by the same OP chronicling his efforts over the last year or so. Good luck

[2011aug]

The problem is that you're married to a serial cheater.

 

So, now you know she cant be trusted and she can betray you at any time. You now also know that she's an accomplished liar, being able to keep up a facade with you while carrying on affairs.

 

Your marriage will never the same again. Even your wife knows that. But she wants to rebuild the marriage? It's not possible to undo the affairs.

[robf1971]

Hi OP, welcome to LS

 

My sympathies.

 

I think a good start for you would be to read a few threads from other men. I'll link a few.

Can I save this?

 

How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

 

Mixed signals - Trying to move forward

 

Still hanging on

 

The last three threads are by the same OP chronicling his efforts over the last year or so. Good luck

 

Excellent choice of threads, take a few hours to read them.. it will clarify things a little for you.

 

I think you need to lawyer up and kick your wife out, you can do this in a nice loving way.

 

Pack her stuff in boxes, then your words to her.

 

'Wife I get it, you don't want to be with me any more, and I've changed my mind I think you should be with OM, so I've packed your bags and will help you move in with him. I wish you all the best'

 

Say this with a big smile on your face, let her go, drop her like a bad habit. File for separation, make sure you get a legal 50/50 childcare agreement. This is the bet way for you to move forward.

 

Your wife is a serial cheater, anything she says is just lies to keep you on as a backup option. As much as it hurts you need to kick her to the kerb by following the above advice.

[jnj express]

Hey Robf----question for you----which OM, does he send her to??????

[Bryanp]

Sorry you have to be here.

1. You both must get tested for STD's

2. Contact your so-called friend's wife or girlfriend. You need to expose this.

3. Your wife not only engaged in betraying you but decided to betray you sexually will a close friend of yours. This is a double betrayal and she knew exactly what she was doing and how this was going to hurt you.

4. Your wife has engaged in various emotional affairs and a 5 month physical affair behind your back and consistently has put your health at risk for STD's.

5. If you had not caught her she would still be humiliating and disrespecting you and your marriage.

6. Your wife is a serial cheater so do not be surprised if this is not the only time she has sexually cheated on you.

 

What in the world did she think would happen when she was engaging in these affairs? What told her inside of her that it was all right to do this/ I have a hunch if she knew absolutely that cheating would result in an automatic divorce I doubt that she would have done this. My guess is that she thought she could always get away with it and if caught you would eventually forgive her. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Did she ever bring her lover to your home? It is obvious that her actions show that she has very little respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? You deserve better.

[rosskey77]

Thank you all for your words. I was able to visit at length with my Brother-In-Law yesterday and it helped. She called and said she wanted to talk and I agreed. We talked for nearly 4 hours and I held nothing back, no emotions at all I said everything that I felt and how I looked at her now. She said she wants to rebuild, refocus and renew our relationship...but will respect my feelings if I decide I cannot get past this.

 

I woke up angrier today than yesterday...tried to blow it all off at the gym, but that just seemed to piss me off even more.

 

I still have love for her...but I am so hurt by this...I just don't know. It rips my guts out to think of throwing away an 11 year marriage that was strong for 10 of those years...it rips my guts out to think about my children growing up in a broken home.

 

I'm no closer to knowing what to do today than I was yesterday...when does this get better?

[kaleidoscope]

For my friend it took 2 years but you may be a lot stronger.

 

Good for you to go to the gym - not sure why you were angry more. Are you working out to angry music? Keep a regular schedule it will really help.

 

Its easy to fall into the trap of getting angry or feeling sad all the time. I've seen it.

 

But its great that you got your emotions out with your wife.

 

Is it possible that your wife has any mental health issues which caused her to do this? That's still no excuse but its good to clarify. Is she thinking straight otherwise?

[jnj express]

If you decide to R---to be in a somewhat stable situation it takes 2 to 5 yrs

 

As to your sub--conscious, this all may never go away---and right now, you are starting on a journey that is gonna take you thru emotions, you never knew you had

 

If you decide to D., it may get easier sooner, as you will not be triggered by her, which will happen, as you look at her every day, and think about how she thought of you as a POS, while she allowed another man inside of her, and how she gave her heart to other men, disrespecting you her chosen H.-----Your sub--conscious is not gonna let you get over these things I have just written, it goes with the territory

 

Kids are not a reason to stay in a miserable situation---they will be better off in split happy homes, than with the 2 of you together, in a loveless, situation of non-trust, and misery all around them.

 

You just have to decide, if down the line you can stand the sight of her, if you will cringe when touching her, and if you can even talk to her---these are all things you must decide for yourself

 

You speak of loving her----you love the woman you married---THIS WOMAN IS NOT THE WOMAN YOU MARRIED---she passed away, when she began her 1st A., knowing full well she was going to wreck the lives of her family, yer she willing participated in her A/A's-----I doubt very much if you love THIS woman

[sadcalifornian]

Do not make this easy for her! I do not mean that you should be vindictive, but she must be forced to show you her commitment by doing heavy lifting.

 

- Demand transparency. She should give you all her email accts, secret phone, passwords, etc... She should promise you to let you know her whereabout all the time. She cannot go anywhere outside her routine without telling you first.

 

- Demand Timeline. She should write down the details of her As in chronological order with specifics: when, where, what, why, how

 

- Write NC letters to OMs, and apology letters to OMWs(if there is any).

 

- Get MC to help you sort thru this mess. A good MC is essential in R. And, if you can afford it, get IC for you and/or your W as well.

 

- Demand polygraph. She had a series of EAs & PA. It's likely she is still hiding some facts. This will force her to clean the slate. Also, it will remind her any future indiscretion can be revealed with such tool upon suspicion.

 

- Demand post-nup. This is to protect yourself if this happens again and to see the level of commitment on her part.

 

I know you are sitting on fence whether to R or not. It's your decision and it's a difficult one, but you must make some kind of decision and start taking actions. You can always divorce her down the line for whatever reason. But, if you are not going to D her now, then you must commit to R and take appropriate measures.

Edited November 7, 2011 by sadcalifornian

[2long]

Whether you want 2 recover your marriage or not is entirely up 2 you.

 

Your W may SAY she wants 2 rebuild, but if she does nothing 2 demonstrate this, nothing 2 help you regain trust in her, then she "gets away" with having these flings with no consequences beyond you finding out she cheated.

 

What is she willing 2 do 2 convince you that she's sincere? Has she cut off contact with the OMs? Have the OMs wives or girlfriends been told about the affair? They have a right 2 make the same decisions as you do about what they want their fu2res 2 be like.

 

-ol' 2long

[rosskey77]

Again, thank you all.

 

She has given me transparency and offered me her cell phone (to never have again in her words). I took it and listened to the VMs (very painful), I read the texts (equally painful). She gave me her email account info and I've gone through it all. She has sworn complete transparency.

 

She gave me the timeline (confirmed by emails, VM and TXTs)

 

The OM is not married but in a relationship with someone else and I'm on the fence about telling her. We are all high-profile in our community.

 

She resigned from her job this morning (this was where the contact with the OM was occurring). He emailed her asking her to call and she copied me on the email telling him she would never be contacting him again and demanding the same from him.

 

I have asked her to leave for the week to give me time to process and she left this morning for her parents house.

 

She is making an effort and I appreciate that, but by NO MEANS am I going to make a R easy. I explained to her yesterday that if she was not prepared to go through YEARS of rehabilitation and trust building, marriage counseling, and individual counseling then there is no reason to even entertain the idea of R.

 

I am still on the fence about everything and my emotions shift minute to minute. She tries to hug me, I refuse, she cries...she tells me she loves me and I don't respond and she cries. I still don't have a good grip on my emotions...I will probably hit the gym again tonight and see if it makes me mad again...but I figure it's a good outlet. I have had ZERO appetite since I found out...I force myself to eat when my head starts hurting...hopefully that changes.

[kaleidoscope]

Take good care of yourself, especially the eating and exercising.

 

And keep us posted on how you are doing.

[jnj express]

Hey RossKey-----this all boils down to what YOU want for a future

 

It makes no difference what she does, it makes no difference what she wants

 

You get one trip thru life on this planet, one and one ONLY,----it needs to be, the best possible future you can have

 

The present is wrecked----now you must think of the future----do you want to spend it in reasonable happiness, or do you want to spend it as a parole officer, always looking over your shoulder, always wondering what she is doing, where/who she is with, when away from the home----in all honesty, that IS your future if you stay with her

 

There will be no trust, for a very long time if ever, if you do have sex with her, her AP, is gonna be in that bed with you-------

 

What do you want out of the rest of your life

 

It is absolutely ludicrous, that she would expect to be able to hug you, and you would accept her touch, after what she has done

 

She seems to think this is done, and its time to move on----she is still SELFISH

 

Your future is in your hands, you need to think of every aspect of everything, that daily life brings!!!!!!

[Bryanp]

What did she expect to happen while she was screwing a good friend of yours for 5 months? What made her think it was acceptable? What made her think that you would want to stay with her after this?

[sadcalifornian]

Once a woman derails from being a faithful wife, she sometimes embarks on a journey of countless affairs. It is like someone who sets off on a new lifestyle and she just cannot stop her insatiable thirst. This is quite common. Thus, once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

However, she has shown her willingness to do whatever necessary to change herself like a drug addict seeking rehabilitation, you may want to give her a chance to see if she can pull thru it.

 

As for your own healing, that is another story. If the hurt is too much to bear, maybe you should just divorce her just to alleviate your pain. Divorce is equally devastating but you can start afresh with someone new. But, remember that divorce with children is quite a painful experience in itself comparable to affair.

 

I suggest you find IC for yourself to deal with your pain. I am sorry that you have found yourself in this sitch.

[drifter777]

She is making an effort and I appreciate that, but by NO MEANS am I going to make a R easy. I explained to her yesterday that if she was not prepared to go through YEARS of rehabilitation and trust building, marriage counseling, and individual counseling then there is no reason to even entertain the idea of R.

 

Just so you understand that it will be YOU who will need years of rehabilitation to really deal emotionally with the horrible betrayal your wife has perpetrated on you. If you decide to take her back and start counseling she'll be just fine in no time. Then she'll start telling you to "get over it" and "leave the past in the past" and all that bullsh*t. It is YOU who will suffer, not her. This is not just my experience but the experience of many, many posters on this and other forums. The WS just wants to put it behind them and pretend it never happened while the BS continues to be plagued with questions and images of your spouse having sex with someone else. Are you prepared to prolong this painful event for years to come? If not then do what so many are advising and divorce this cheating bitch. A serial cheater is simply no good and not worth suffering though the pain of reconciliation.

 

I am still on the fence about everything and my emotions shift minute to minute.

 

This is typical so prepare for the emotional rollercoaster to toss your feelings around for months to come. You should consider individual counseling as it can help you sort out your feelings and provide a sense of empowerment that you are DOING something for your own recovery.

[Bugz Bunny]

I need to get this out as there is on one for me to talk to about this at this time. I have been married for 11 years (celebrated our anniversary two days ago). Yesterday I discovered my wife had been texting romantically with a high school friend. I asked her about it and she admitted that it had been happening for some time. During the course of the conversation, I discovered that she was doing the same thing with ANOTHER high school friend. THEN THE BOMB DROPPED...since she was coming clean on those things she also came clean that she had been having a physical affair for the last five months with a friend of mine. She also admitted that she had developed feelings for him. She tells me that she wants to rebuild our marriage, she tells me repeatedly that she is sorry, that she ruined things, that she wishes it never happened and that she doesn't want to lose me. We have two kids...I'm heartbroken, I don't know how to proceed and I am cut to the core.

 

I ask her what she would do in my shoes...she says she probably could never get past it and that our marriage would probably never be a level playing field. She can't understand why I can still talk to her and why I'm not flying off the handle...I explain that the decisions I'm now faced with are going to have life long repercussions and losing my temper is not going to help that.

 

Maybe it's too early on since I've found out...but I CAUGHT her...she didn't come clean until I ASKED her...what's to say this wouldn't have gone on for another year behind my back and what is different with the way she feels now that I know and before I had any clue...is it her having fear now that she's going to lose me...and if so, why didn't that stop her from doing this in the first place...why didn't the fear of the implications this would have had on our children not stop her. She says if we try to carry on, we should do counseling...but why not suggest that when she was first having these urges? Counseling then might have healed a small scrape...but it feels like it would be a bandaid on a gapping wound at this point.

 

I'm very lost at this point...Don't know if I can love again...don't know if I can trust again and worry about my kids and how this will effect them.

 

Lets see.. 2 EA and 1 PA with one of your "FRIENDS" and you are still willing to stay in marriage with her...WTF

 

And they are all same (cheaters)....after they cheat and betray then they are willing to work things out,go to MC,IC,give you fb,e-mail passwords or whatever....and they all do this after the damage is already done...Infidelity is a thing that you cant undo...the marriage is already damaged and that is one of the reasons I divorced my wife (and I have a child just like you)...

 

She showed such disrespect for you by having an affair and to make thing worst the affair was with your friend (double betrayal)...Please respect yourself and just divorce her....

You deserve better

 

P.S. Life is to short,so please ask yourself is it worth to spend another 2-5 years to (maybe) recover this marriage and to live next 2-5 years an miserable life...

 

Good Luck

[jnj express]

Hey WP-----no drug in the world, is gonna stop his sub-conscious----it will play visions for him while he drives, while at work, when he awakes in the wee hours of the morning----he doesn't need to go on drugs

 

He is just gonna have to live thru this, and hopefully come out on the other side, somewhere down the line

 

Do not ever tell someone to go on drugs, unless you know EXACTLY WHAT THEIR MEDICAL, AND FAMILY MEDICAL HISTORY IS

[seren]

WP, I see you have had lots of advice, mine has a slightly different approach. I would use the week to reflect on what you want to happen. If you feel you cannot begin to reconcile with your wife, then you will need a plan to leave, to manage how you both parent your children, finances etc. If you want to see if reconciliation is possible, then you need to ask yourself what you need to begin this. I see that you have access to records etc and that your wife has taken steps to distance herself from the OM, which is a start from her.

 

Dealing with the feelings and emotions of being a BS is far harder than dealing with the practicalities. It takes a lot of hard work and it isn't an overnight solution. TBH, I didn't go the checking up on him route, I figured if I was going to try to reconcile then I had to believe he was as committed as I and that all the checking in the world would just mess with my head.

 

I also think that some reflection about the marriage before the A is needed, what was happening, what prompted her to have an A? For me, that was probably the deal breaker, I needed to understand why my H needed someone else, I know that every A is different, every marriage is different and the ways in which we deal with things are also different. What matters is, what you want to happen and how and what you need to make it so.

The hurt doesn't just go away, it takes time, the mind pictures do fade and there are many here on LS who have taken the reconcilation route successfully. I have been with my H for 27 years, his A was for 8 months and we are some 4 years past D Day. On balance, for me at least, I loved my H, still do, and the A was a small part in our marriage history, I had far more good than bad to balance the A and H showed a real willingness to reconcile, showed remorse and worked dammed hard to make us work.

 

As for the anger and not eating, oh I so know that one, I lost times of the number of times I had to pull over to throw up, the stomach feeling like knives are in it and the anger, phew the anger. I wrote it all out, went down the beach and screamed my lungs out and cried, buckets. TBH, I thought I was going insane. As for telling the OM girlfriend, don't leave it too long, tell her, she should know and have the choice to leave or stay too and this is also a way to ensure there is no contact. Good Luck.

[findingnemo]

Again, thank you all.

 

She has given me transparency and offered me her cell phone (to never have again in her words). I took it and listened to the VMs (very painful), I read the texts (equally painful). She gave me her email account info and I've gone through it all. She has sworn complete transparency.

 

She gave me the timeline (confirmed by emails, VM and TXTs)

 

The OM is not married but in a relationship with someone else and I'm on the fence about telling her. We are all high-profile in our community.

 

She resigned from her job this morning (this was where the contact with the OM was occurring). He emailed her asking her to call and she copied me on the email telling him she would never be contacting him again and demanding the same from him.

 

I have asked her to leave for the week to give me time to process and she left this morning for her parents house.

 

She is making an effort and I appreciate that, but by NO MEANS am I going to make a R easy. I explained to her yesterday that if she was not prepared to go through YEARS of rehabilitation and trust building, marriage counseling, and individual counseling then there is no reason to even entertain the idea of R.

 

I am still on the fence about everything and my emotions shift minute to minute. She tries to hug me, I refuse, she cries...she tells me she loves me and I don't respond and she cries. I still don't have a good grip on my emotions...I will probably hit the gym again tonight and see if it makes me mad again...but I figure it's a good outlet. I have had ZERO appetite since I found out...I force myself to eat when my head starts hurting...hopefully that changes.

 

Wow, she did all that???? Even quit her job. That was fast!!

 

To me it seems she really wants to work things out with you and doesn't want to lose the M. But I can't help but wonder whether her extreme efforts are a sign of hope or she is very attached to the M for reasons other than love per se. I don't understand why someone would suddenly have multiple As if the problem was a lack of communication, lack of sex or anything to do with the intimacy between you.

 

As most people have said, it may not matter what she does. What matters is what you want and whether you can trust her again. Being high profile makes it more difficult for you because you have to worry about what the public will thinks and what the effects on your position in society will be. Exposure may be the worst thing to do in your position. It would be like gossiping about yourself and giving your "enemies" some arsenal to use against you. However, it is not the situation that you find yourself in that will determine how you are viewed. It is your reaction to it. You could react in a manner that is strong and decisive and come out of this with a better profile. As long as you're not seen to be weak or vindictive, you really should do what you feel like doing.

Edited November 9, 2011 by findingnemo