Saul Goodman Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 it becomes a problem when one spouse consistantly puts their wants above that of their spouse. sometimes, one has to give a little and realize that sometimes one may have to comprimise for "the greater good" ... it's easy to do that when a marriage is new, but sometimes it ges harder as time goes by This links back to one of my earlier posts. Self-centred _ssholes shouldn't be in non-pragmatic relationships. You'd be an incredibly unfortunate individual to end up in a relationship with a self-centred _sshole, while under the delusion that it is based out of mutual respect instead of pragmatism. People that are self-centred but keep to themselves about it, shouldn't be in relationships that require even a small amount of selflessness. Like, oh I don't know: A marriage based on love, understanding and respect. Speaking purely from anecdotal experience here, people that aren't inherently selfish while in a relationship, begin to take things for granted and become overly-complacent after a period of time. Taking things for granted and becoming overly-complacent generally leads to a higher chance of selfish behaviour. A preventative measure for this would be to take your marriage one day at a time. My other view is that people simply drift apart (leading to selfish behaviour) and are simply not open enough to admit it. A younger me would've said that it was a monogamy issue, but having seen a number of marriages involving swingers/open-relationshippers (is that a word?)/polyamorists blow up horribly, I just think that most people aren't built for life-long LTRs. And that most relationships naturally end due to eventual incombatability issues. That doesn't even have to be a negative thing.
despicableME Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 young married people As in what age, though. I'm in my early 30's... is that considered young- marriage wise?
Ruby_shoes Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 As in what age, though. I'm in my early 30's... is that considered young- marriage wise? Hmm... mid to late 20's in I'd say but I've heard the younger you M the higher the chance of an A (go figure, there's more years to navigate through and through the height of your youth when you're more insecure anyway). xOM is 34. Nowadays that's still young, I know 35+ men still out partying and living their youth and not all of them are irresponsible, just not settled yet but not looking necessarily.
Ruby_shoes Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 This links back to one of my earlier posts. Self-centred _ssholes shouldn't be in non-pragmatic relationships. You'd be an incredibly unfortunate individual to end up in a relationship with a self-centred _sshole, while under the delusion that it is based out of mutual respect instead of pragmatism. People that are self-centred but keep to themselves about it, shouldn't be in relationships that require even a small amount of selflessness. Like, oh I don't know: A marriage based on love, understanding and respect. Speaking purely from anecdotal experience here, people that aren't inherently selfish while in a relationship, begin to take things for granted and become overly-complacent after a period of time. Taking things for granted and becoming overly-complacent generally leads to a higher chance of selfish behaviour. A preventative measure for this would be to take your marriage one day at a time. My other view is that people simply drift apart (leading to selfish behaviour) and are simply not open enough to admit it. A younger me would've said that it was a monogamy issue, but having seen a number of marriages involving swingers/open-relationshippers (is that a word?)/polyamorists blow up horribly, I just think that most people aren't built for life-long LTRs. And that most relationships naturally end due to eventual incombatability issues. That doesn't even have to be a negative thing. I agree to this, you always say things well Saul
nyrias2 Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 Agreed. I don't see anything inherently wrong with being self-centred. In fact, we are all self-centred to some degree. On the hand...it's possible to be self-centred and an _sshole. Which is something else entirely. I also dont see anything inherently wrong with being a self centered a@@hole. It is a free world. Others can choose not to associate with such a person. The tragedy is when one of the spouses turned into such a person by stop caring. A long marriage can do funny things to people.
nyrias2 Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 This links back to one of my earlier posts. People that are self-centred but keep to themselves about it, shouldn't be in relationships that require even a small amount of selflessness. Like, oh I don't know: A marriage based on love, understanding and respect. Love, understanding and respect erode over time. I dont think there is that much love, understanding and respect in the world. Anecdotally, the long marriages i have seen, are hold together by tolerance and covenience. In effect, it is too much world to break up and there is no better choice anyway. There is no fairy tale ending.
Mircea Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 Love, understanding and respect erode over time. I dont think there is that much love, understanding and respect in the world. Anecdotally, the long marriages i have seen, are hold together by tolerance and covenience. In effect, it is too much world to break up and there is no better choice anyway. There is no fairy tale ending. Your words make me want to kill myself. I think i'll make my own fuzzy pink version of reality ... when imagination and reason conflict, imagination always wins.
joystickd Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 I was the other man twice in my life. I was the same reason for the two women. They had issues with their husband and they didn't discuss the issues.
1956cadhain Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 Well aren't I the lucky one!! My H cheated on me 5 years into our marriage. I had 2 small kids at the time. I forgave him, and we were having a ball after the kids left home, We enjoyed uninterrupted sex, new found passion, wonderful holidays, around 25 years into our marriage. THEN he cheated on me again. I now believe marriage is just WRONG and shouldn't be allowed. What's the point?
Saul Goodman Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 (edited) I also dont see anything inherently wrong with being a self centered a@@hole. It is a free world. Others can choose not to associate with such a person.Ah, but I would say that one of the most defining features of a selfish a-hole is that they bulldoze their way through the lives of others without giving a damn. The ability to choose as to whether or not you can associate with a selfish a-hole is largely dependent on the circumstances. For instance, I don't believe that it would be advantageous for me to quit my job, simply to escape my boss. When it comes down to it, the most effective selfish a-holes are masters of manipulation: Again, speaking through anecdotal experience, most selfish a-holes won't give you the option to refuse to associate them, before they get what they want. Or before they stir up a lot of sh*t. I think i'll make my own fuzzy pink version of reality ... when imagination and reason conflict, imagination always wins. That's a good idea. Even if the world is a miserable place, it's better for your sanity to find some form of happiness and cling to it. As long as you aren't hurting anyone else by doing it. Edited November 15, 2011 by Saul Goodman
Author beenburned Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 What most people don't stop to realize is that: Even if half of all married people cheat at SOME point in their marriage, that still leaves half of all married people that have never cheated on their spouse! Most cheaters like to think that everyone acts and thinks the same way they do.(to make themselves feel better about what they are doing) But they DON'T!
nyrias2 Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Your words make me want to kill myself. I think i'll make my own fuzzy pink version of reality ... when imagination and reason conflict, imagination always wins. Sure. You need to avoid reading any statistics at all, in that case. Of course you may also refrain from interacting with real humans, otherwise, your imaginary world may become inconsistent with the real one, and cause you mental pain.
nyrias2 Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 What most people don't stop to realize is that: Even if half of all married people cheat at SOME point in their marriage, that still leaves half of all married people that have never cheated on their spouse! Most cheaters like to think that everyone acts and thinks the same way they do.(to make themselves feel better about what they are doing) But they DON'T! A 50% chance is a 50% chance. If you buy a car, would you be willing to settle for only a 50% chance that it will actually run? I found 50-50 pretty sad odds for something this crucial in life.
nyrias2 Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Well aren't I the lucky one!! My H cheated on me 5 years into our marriage. I had 2 small kids at the time. I forgave him, and we were having a ball after the kids left home, We enjoyed uninterrupted sex, new found passion, wonderful holidays, around 25 years into our marriage. THEN he cheated on me again. I now believe marriage is just WRONG and shouldn't be allowed. What's the point? Well, you have 20 good years? I do agree. The marriage institution with no expiration date is just a recipe for disaster. Cheating is just ONE type of disasters.
nyrias2 Posted November 21, 2011 Posted November 21, 2011 Ah, but I would say that one of the most defining features of a selfish a-hole is that they bulldoze their way through the lives of others without giving a damn. The ability to choose as to whether or not you can associate with a selfish a-hole is largely dependent on the circumstances. For instance, I don't believe that it would be advantageous for me to quit my job, simply to escape my boss. When it comes down to it, the most effective selfish a-holes are masters of manipulation: Again, speaking through anecdotal experience, most selfish a-holes won't give you the option to refuse to associate them, before they get what they want. Or before they stir up a lot of sh*t. If you can avoid them, join them. Beat them as their own game. Be selfish and aggravating to them until they leave you alone. Be the most obnoxious person around this guy. Now if he is your boss, it is a bit tricky. My take is that unless you really need that job, find greener pasture. You cannot advance much with an a-hole boss anyway.
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