beenburned Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 I read where the greatest percentage of infidelity occurs in the 7-10 years of a marriage. Why do you think this is? Marrying too young? Having kids too young? Immature for their age? Not wanting any responsibilities(freedom)? Out of control hormones?
jnj express Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 mge., is now at the same old, same old, things are boring point. Weak willed spouse wants something new, something hot----they want a change---they want to be infatuated, and have hot passion.
KathyM Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 I read where the greatest percentage of infidelity occurs in the 7-10 years of a marriage. Why do you think this is? Marrying too young? Having kids too young? Immature for their age? Not wanting any responsibilities(freedom)? Out of control hormones? That's usually the timeframe when some marriages start to fall apart. The 7 year mark. When the spouse starts to notice and dwell on your negative aspects, and looses sight of what brought you together in the first place, and some start trying to recapture that initial feeling of ephoria with someone else when it has worn off with the spouse. I think it's more a matter of what stage the marriage is at that causes them to cheat. Some people with stronger character can withstand the difficult years without cheating or divorcing. Some people throw in the towel on their marriage during that stressful period. And some decide they want to have their cake and eat it too--by having the affair and the family. I think what separates who will cheat from who won't is a matter of character, rather than age or when they had kids.
Summer Breeze Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 I know 4 couples that are set to get married within the next 10 to 12 months. All are first marriages and the couples range from early 20s to early 30s. I spoke with 3 of them at different times lately and then to the mom of the groom of the 4th couple. The 3 I spoke with were obsessed with the wedding. No matter how I tried to get the topic onto the marriage the wedding was the priority. On the 4th I talked to the mom of the groom and she told me they didn't have a clue what they were doing. They don't even seem aware there's a whole life after the wedding. I don't think most couples are ready to be M and I don't think they have any idea how to cope with it because they don't really 'see' it. As long as everything goes well with the wedding they're golden.
Author beenburned Posted November 6, 2011 Author Posted November 6, 2011 SummerBreeze, Could it be as simple as them just being naive about what to expect in marriage? Everyone can't really understand something in detail unless they have experienced first hand.(such as having a baby) I agree that it takes time for the newness to wear off, then you see your partner without the rose colored glasses. Nowdays, it is easy to get a divorce if you are not happy.
bentnotbroken Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 Lack of boundaries Selfishness Not taking the vows of marriage seriously Immature etc. etc. etc.
Saul Goodman Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Unrealistic expectations about relationships in general. NRE fades away, people change, relationships end, life goes on. Also, many people seem to think that love is some kind of magical juice that will keep a relationship running on its own. Where did this attitude come from anyway?
Ruby_shoes Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Unrealistic expectations about relationships in general. NRE fades away, people change, relationships end, life goes on. Also, many people seem to think that love is some kind of magical juice that will keep a relationship running on its own. Where did this attitude come from anyway? Well said People in love forget that the high is just that, and they believe it is self-maintaining because they feel so good at that time so they don't have to make any effort. Thing is everyone has niggles and bad days. They just build up and up, the relationship isn't receiving the attention it did at the start and the everyday life gets in the way, people take their frustrations out on those closest to them, one person starts to feel 'off' and fear of loosing the person that made them feel so good once upon a time leads to pretending it's ok and hope that it'll fix itself which if it doesn't leads to discontent, A's and telling lies in order to protect the M instead of being open and honest and fostering true intimacy. Each problem compacts until the M is nothing more than lies and problems clinging onto what was and not what is, it's a downwards spiral from there until there's a wake up call come along like d-day.
Spark1111 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Actually, the greatest number of divorces occur by the 4th year of marriage, when limerance is gone, and with no children! (39%) The next stat? Only having 1 child in years 7 to 10. (27%) One child is not enough of a bond to keep the couple together, apparently. Divorce seems to be for the young. The stats drop off significantly depending on the years together and the number of off-spring produced. After 3 children, it drops to a paltry 7% who will divorce each other. Surprising, I know. It surprised me.
StoneCold Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 just enough time for just enough things to change in a drastic enough way I guess
Author beenburned Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 Spark, What about when the kids are grown? What are the stats for the empty nest couples?
Spark1111 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Well that is what I thought would be the greatest divorce category! 20 to 25 years together and 2 kids. That's only 17%, and it is called obscelescent pair bonding division, I think. Fancy scientific name for mid-life crisis, IMO. You met, mated and raised your children to maturity. Now, just done and want to find out if there is a more suitable partner out there for you to grow old with. Believe it or not, if a couple makes it to 30 years, the chances of them divorcing are almost nada.
nyrias2 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Unrealistic expectations about relationships in general. NRE fades away, people change, relationships end, life goes on. Also, many people seem to think that love is some kind of magical juice that will keep a relationship running on its own. Where did this attitude come from anyway? Movies? My take is that the whole marriage institution is flawed. Asking a 20 something to make a commitment for his/her life for the next 40-50 years is just a recipe for disaster. No young person like that can appreciate and understand such a commitment. At the least, marriage should have a term limit.
sadcalifornian Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 The infidelity report I read said agewise 40-45 yr old woman and 50-56 yr old man are most likely to start an affair.
Ruby_shoes Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 (edited) I don't know whether statistics are anything more than that, they may point out a trend at the time the research is done but IMO A's normally start with circumstance, there's usually a push factor (such as feeling discontented - may be subconscious and MM/MW may not realise anything is missing at the time) and a pull factor (attention from AP/excitement etc). Without a push or a pull no A happens and this can happen to any person at any age. As well the longer a couple are together the more likely they will survive an A in tact and the more children a couple share also has the same impact. After 3 children the D rate is very low. It seems 1 child doesn't have a bearing but 2 and the rate starts to drop significantly. Statistics may give a good indication of current trends but no one is out the woods or immune nor does it imply a typical reaction will take place such as D. IME people continue to defy the statistics and surprise me but I know many that could be chalked up to being the 'typical' statistic. Although it is interesting stuff to look into Edited to say: The push factor highlights the importance of good communication in marriages. Fostering intimacy in a M and talking well about the tough stuff such as sex life and overall satisfaction regularly (even just a catch up over a cup of coffee) is the best safeguard against A's IMO. And even then it seems A's can take place in seemingly happy M's - I guess whatever you put into a R, even if you give it 100% you're never responsible for more than 50% of the overall R. Edited November 9, 2011 by Ruby_shoes
Saul Goodman Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Movies? My take is that the whole marriage institution is flawed. Asking a 20 something to make a commitment for his/her life for the next 40-50 years is just a recipe for disaster. No young person like that can appreciate and understand such a commitment. At the least, marriage should have a term limit. Perhaps. It raises another issue: When a marriage ends due to divorce, does it necessarily mean that the marriage has failed? I see this attitude quite often: You have 10 or more years of marital bliss. Then a year or so of misery leads to a divorce. The 10+ years are suddenly negated and the marriage is a failure. Even in the midst of my own divorce, this attitude has never made sense to me. You could argue that marriage isn't necessary in the sense that it is possible to have a healthy LTR without dealing with the potential legal muck that comes with the whole holy matrimony schtick (although, IMO people that constantly worry about how badly they could get screwed over in a divorce, shouldn't really be in non-pragmatic relationships in general. There are plenty of ways to get screwed over that go beyond divorce...your closest friends, family and co-workers could easily do it too.). Which is my perspective. On the other hand, I've enjoyed the legal benefits that come with marriage for over 2 decades. So...I can't really complain.
frozensprouts Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 some possible reasons for the g=g=high divorce rate: - unrealistic idea of what 'love" is - a lot of people think that limmerance is "love", and when gthat begins to fade, that they no longer love their spouse. Some seek to get that 'limmerance' again by cheating. - there seems to be an increasing sense of self entitlement and 'me before we' atitude. - there seems to be an unrealistic view of what marraige is like. It's often portrayed as being either "married bliss' or a living hell. There doesn't seem to be much portrayal of the middle ground, which is much more common -an awful lot of people seem to think that a happy marraige just happens, and that there is no effort involved. during times when more effort is required, some assume this means that the marriage is over - there are so many other "distractions" in life. I sometimes wonder if our parents/grandparents ( depending on how old you are) had a lot less distarctions ( TV, internet, hobbies, sports, etc., etc., etc.) in life so that there was less time spent on these types of things and more time was spent on making their marraiges work. afterall , there is only so much time in the day
Author beenburned Posted November 9, 2011 Author Posted November 9, 2011 SadCalifornian, So if empty nesters have affairs, but have very low percentages of divorces, is this mainly because of financial losses?(due to older people having more assets) Or other reasons?
nyrias2 Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Perhaps. It raises another issue: When a marriage ends due to divorce, does it necessarily mean that the marriage has failed? I agree with u. The answer is no. It is entirely possible to have 10 good years, and then things go bad from there. That is also i think a term limit will be great. Something like a 5 year term with an option to renew.
nyrias2 Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 - there seems to be an increasing sense of self entitlement and 'me before we' atitude. Nothing wrong with this. There is no apriori reason why a person needs to decide to care about "we". Just dont enter into a marriage if that is the case.
Saul Goodman Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 Nothing wrong with this. There is no apriori reason why a person needs to decide to care about "we". Just dont enter into a marriage if that is the case. Agreed. I don't see anything inherently wrong with being self-centred. In fact, we are all self-centred to some degree. On the hand...it's possible to be self-centred and an _sshole. Which is something else entirely.
sadcalifornian Posted November 9, 2011 Posted November 9, 2011 SadCalifornian, So if empty nesters have affairs, but have very low percentages of divorces, is this mainly because of financial losses?(due to older people having more assets) Or other reasons? I was merely citing the stats I came across a month ago. But, infidelity rate and divorce rate are two different things. I suspect that at older age, men fear divorce more whereas women seek divorce more. Oftentimes, after women having to serve H and kids for so long, they may want to "escape" the marriage for another man or just to find their identity. Also, they know they can take half the assets and alimony to secure their living. Men tend to get more clingy and dependent on their wives at such late stage of life. They also know how much they will lose financially if they D. I think this kind of dynamics are complex and difficult to put in simple terms. People often blame culture this, culture that, but I think these infidelity/divorce stats are more dependent on how the marital/divorce laws are set. If you twitch the law just a little, it sways the stats greatly in either direction. Since 70% of divorces are initiated by women, bending the law to accomodate women less, say in child custody or alimony, will definitely reduce infidelity/divorce rate. However, I know this can be perceived as sexist and somewhat unfair notion to women. If I am offending anyone, I apologize.
despicableME Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 I know affairs transcend all barriers, but I'd be curious to know what age group is more prone/susceptible to it.
Author beenburned Posted November 10, 2011 Author Posted November 10, 2011 DM, I've read that young married people have the highest percentage of infidelity.
frozensprouts Posted November 10, 2011 Posted November 10, 2011 Agreed. I don't see anything inherently wrong with being self-centred. In fact, we are all self-centred to some degree. On the hand...it's possible to be self-centred and an _sshole. Which is something else entirely. it becomes a problem when one spouse consistantly puts their wants above that of their spouse. sometimes, one has to give a little and realize that sometimes one may have to comprimise for "the greater good" ... it's easy to do that when a marriage is new, but sometimes it ges harder as time goes by
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