I am messed up

[nevadagirl]

I was with this guy for two years. We broke up 3 times each time for a month. (He left me anyway). He always came back.

 

The relationship was not good and the way he left me was even worse so it's not like I somehow want him back. I just really need this pain to stop.

 

So this 4th time we break up he keeps contacting me. He went two weeks without trying to talk to me. He wasn't trying to get back together but he'd send me these weekly reminders that he was Alive.

 

I made the mistake of talking to him one time in chat and it was hollow and empty so I did not do that again. I ignored all other reach outs from him.

 

But they kept coming. I know I was holding on to some kind of hope even though he wasn't saying anything that should really give me hope, but I was. But I kept ignoring. He even went so far as to message me on okcupid under some blank profile and when I ignored that he sent me another message there apologizing for harrassing me and deleted that blank account. A week goes by and he sends me a Halloween email, drops just enough info in there so that I know he had a good time too! And I finally decide to just filter his emails to automatically be deleted. I cried when I did it but felt better.

 

Not even a day goes by before I get a "visitor" to my okc profile - and it's him.

 

If I were a stronger person I wouldn't looked but how can you not when they put it right in front of your face? So I see all his picures of his GREAT LIFE and I see where he wrote he's been traveling OUT OF STATE (the only person he'd visit out of state is his ex)

 

and I don't know. I just kind of lost it. I looked at his facebook, bracing myself, because I knew without a doubt the whole goddamn thing would be PUBLIC and it was. And there was an album in there from a few weeks ago where he went to visit his ex girlfriend and they had a great time and there are pictures of the two of them HAVING SUCH A GREAT TIME.

 

(This ex girlfriend was a source of a LOT of insecurity in our relationship)

 

I don't know what I'm even asking for here. There was other stuff - him going to some music festival and being the star of the show and having just a BALL. He finally moved out of his parent's house after 2 damn years of living on their couch except when I let him move in with me only to be left homeless when it came time for him to sign his name to a lease. And now he just wants to party all the time and things he criticized ME for for large parts of my relationship with (drinking, DARING to experiment with any kind of drug (I mean like, weed ok) hair DYING - HIPSTERS, INDY MUSIC, ETC. He just LOVES IT ALL NOW.

 

I spoke to him online. He was like "yo". I think I wanted him to acknowledge that he was being malicious but that obviously didn't happen. He didn't think any of his messages would hurt my feelings and hey it'd been two months right? I pretended to be fine with it and even told him it didn't really bother me that much...I don't know why I did that.

 

We chatted for a few hours about all the things an exgirlfriend with a broken heart would never want to know. Really. I'd love to hear about your adult friend finder experience!

 

I've been a wreck ever since. I gave my email password to a friend and told them to change it and NOT to give it back to me until I'm over this, and did the same with my facebook. And I just hid his account from mine on okc.

 

I feel angry. Angry his life is SO much better without me. Angry that he emailed me EVERY SINGLE WEEK since leaving me instead of leaving me alone. ANGRY that I feel like I have to HIDE FROM THE INTERNET if I ever hope to have any peace whatsoever.

 

Angry that it was obviously so easy to get over me.

 

I just want to feel better - I really was getting better. Until I stupidly clicked on a profile and went off the deep end.

 

I don't know what to do.

[ChelseaLS]

He seems like a selfish individual. I think you're doing great! Blocking contact with him is key. Go NC, work on bettering yourself, and make sure you are still having an active social life even if you don't feel like it.

I am pretty sure we all feel seriously messed up and nearly dead inside when we go through break ups, but it gets better.

[cerisenightshade]

*hugs*

 

If it helps, I know exactly how you feel.

 

My boyfriend broke up with me last week after spending a weekend together. I have never experienced a broken heart before. Now I am experiencing it. Despite all of this, I still love him and want him back.

 

One thing for sure, we will BOTH survive this and become stronger. That is everyone is telling me. And that is what I am telling myself.

 

Cheers!

[calreese]

I think it's hard to see someone you love turn into something they said they'd never be or start doing things they said they'd never do. It almost makes you doubt or question everything they ever said. I've been able to find comfort in the fact that I've never needed other people's approval to do the things I do or dress in a way that is "socially acceptable" and whatnot. The best thing you can do is realize that these hypocritical people have to learn at some point that REAL, honest people are a rarity these days and self-respect is a hard thing to keep intact. You may still want this guy, but you don't NEED him. By the way you describe him it sounds as though he's way too immature for you at the moment anyway, so do your best to assure yourself that you deserve better and once you get him out of your mind the rest will follow.

 

Plus, his life isn't necessarily better, it's just different. It sounds like he's just playing games to try and make you jealous or see if you're still emotionally invested in him. Another immature thing to do. That's truly the only thing standing in your way to healing, is his need to show you how much "fun" he's having. Do your best to cut all ties leading to him, because he obviously isn't giving an effort to do so. I hope you feel better

[blacktambourine]

Sounds like this guy finds peace in knowing he has control over you. Sounds like a personality I know all too well. At least you're being strong and trying to do the right thing. That's more than I can say for myself. Keep doing what you're doing - I highly doubt his life is as great as he's making it out to be. He wouldn't feel the need to be so showy and continue to bother you if it truly were. I envy you for being as strong as you are about what's going on in your life. Stay positive.

 

- J