This isn't "broken-up" behavior

[missed_theboat]

So, we broke up about a month ago, yada yada.

 

We still love each other, but it was kind of destructive there at the end of our relationship, so we're reluctant to get back together, even though we freaking want to.

 

As in another thread, we're going on a 10 day road trip together, but he texts/calls me almost daily now. Today we had a one-hour conversation, during which I was feeling poorly and crying and he kind of helped me through it and we talked about what went wrong for us and he asked me if I'd been with anyone else in this time. I said no, and he said it's ok to tell him if I have, that if we got back together, he'd want to know now, and it could be okay. I said of course not, and asked if he had. He said no, and we talked about how neither one of us feels right doing it or thinking of the other one doing it. It's natural, after a break-up to feel that way.

 

But what gives! We are two hours apart. He's not using me for sex, as we're not sexually active. He calls me to talk, he teases me, he does say sexual things, although mostly just how he can't wait to be with me in that way. And, we did exchange some explicit sexual talk today (first time since we broke up). But, honestly, what is going on? He talks about loving me... I told him I always just wanted him to take care of me. He said "Don't you know all I wanted was for you to love me and respect me and let me be, and I would have taken care of you?" and I sobbed silently because I know he would have. And I know he could, if the time arose again.

 

The real issue is, WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN? This is the hardest thing, because I know he's invested. I am going with him in his road trip, for 10 days, and we're going to make love. He said today "I wish you were here so I could make love to you," and I said "make love?" and he said "yes..." Which is something he won't say if it's just sex. He makes a distinction. I said "So what would that mean...?" and he said "It would be two people who love each other expressing it physically,"

 

But he also talks about just having sex, which would be fun. I understand all of this, which is the weirdest part. I know that making love is what it is... even if we're not "together". But, what's the use of not being "together" if we're not having sex with other people (and don't intend to at this time). I asked if he would have sex with others and he said "no..." and I asked why and he said "because I love you".

 

I mean seriously... I would say he wants the relationship without the loyalty (but he's not looking to screw other people) or without the communication (but we talk nearly daily) or without the responsibility (which is the only conclusion I can come to). Then I realize, he just knows we have had a history of f*cking each other over, by being very nice while we want to get back together, but then getting back and ending up combative towards each other.

 

We're kind of impossibly in love. And I told him he has power and he said "Are you kidding me? I can never have power over you. You drive me crazy! When we're together I want to be with you so much!" And in a way, I know he's right in a way, because he's the one who calls me, makes these assumptions, but then again, I allow it! GOODNESS I'm going nuts!

Edited November 6, 2011 by missed_theboat

[missed_theboat]

if your broken up why does he care if anyone is tappin it, and it seems like that is most important to him

 

what if you would of told him YES

 

he would of shown his true colors

 

why did you guys split ?

 

Hmm, well, we were talking about our social lives. I was asking him if he's going out and meeting people (because he's going through a hard time with anxiety) and he said not really. Then he asked about me and I said I had been out and about at clubs, and some guys hit on me but I was not into it. We got on the subject and he asked if I'd been with anyone, after which I asked the same. If I had said yes, well, we're broken up, so it wouldn't be his issue. I think we're gauging how serious we are about still being in love. He said he couldn't because he still loves me, and I feel he wants to know if I feel the same.

 

And his true colors are very kind. He's not a bad guy at all. We banter all the time about that kind of thing. I admitted to kissing another guy when we were last broken up and he didn't react, because we'd been split up. It wasn't like I was with another guy while we were together. He just said okay, he understood. And at that time, we were back together. He didn't flip out. Why would he? He's not an *******.

 

We broke up because we fought, we're both Scorpios and we both have a tendency to be combative towards each other, because of fear.

[marqueemoon4]

m_t_b you are cute

 

sorry I had a few

[missed_theboat]

m_t_b you are cute

 

sorry I had a few

 

LOL thanks. If my cuteness was all it took, I surely wouldn't be in this predicament.

[wilsonx]

LOL thanks. If my cuteness was all it took, I surely wouldn't be in this predicament.

 

You just have to tweak your boyfriend picker to guys like me and not guys like your ex.

 

So you made a statement, "This isnt broken-up" behavior. Your exactly right if this is your first time in this situation, you wouldn't know. This is manipulative behavior and selfish behavior. He only has the power because you allow him to have the power. You allow him to call you, you allow him to talk to you sexually, you allow him to keep doing whatever he wants to do with you.

 

He's just being friendly with you. Don't believe me, go on your 10 day trip with him. All these conversations and talks are because he is guilty about something and its more then the breakup.

 

Whenever you decide that you have had enough, start going NC and ignoring him. At first hes going to resist, then hes going to manipulate, then he's going to lie, then hes going to seduce and eventually he will give up.

[missed_theboat]

You just have to tweak your boyfriend picker to guys like me and not guys like your ex.

 

So you made a statement, "This isnt broken-up" behavior. Your exactly right if this is your first time in this situation, you wouldn't know. This is manipulative behavior and selfish behavior. He only has the power because you allow him to have the power. You allow him to call you, you allow him to talk to you sexually, you allow him to keep doing whatever he wants to do with you.

 

He's just being friendly with you. Don't believe me, go on your 10 day trip with him. All these conversations and talks are because he is guilty about something and its more then the breakup.

 

Whenever you decide that you have had enough, start going NC and ignoring him. At first hes going to resist, then hes going to manipulate, then he's going to lie, then hes going to seduce and eventually he will give up.

 

 

I'm going with him. LOL Man, someone got ****ed over. It shows, dude.

[wilsonx]

what shows? I tell it how it is, your a board newbie... you asked for advice, I gave you exactly what you asked for. You will see, Wilson is always right. Just because I don't hold your hand or give you a big hug doesn't mean I have no idea what Im talking about. And by the way, his behavior is "friendly to the point of friends with benefits" theres nothing in there that says he wants to be in a relationship with you, he hasnt apologized and said Im sorry lets try this again

 

See you in a few months when you come back complaining about the same behavior.

 

You are young and naive. Have fun on your trip. Good Luck with that

Edited November 6, 2011 by wilsonx

[missed_theboat]

what shows?

 

See you in a few months when you come back complaining about the same behavior.

 

You are young and naive. Have fun on your trip

 

Thanks! I will! It's gonna be great! And yes, I'm young. And I am glad I still have some hope for love in my life. I never want to lose that, even though I have had my heart broken before, and it hasn't worked out. Even if we don't get back together, he's done more for me than anyone, so it's not a loss. The circumstances are complex, but he's a good man, and I'm happy to even know him, let alone be asked on a luxurious trip! We're hoping to see what happens in order for us to reevaluate, considering we both have things to work out in our personal lives. And I'm there for him during his time of great personal struggle--and he knows I am, just as he was there for me even today, when I was having a very hard time. His tender attitude is by no means a ploy to use me for sex, or any other ****ed up agenda. I've gotten as much from him as he has from me. In fact, I've gotten more, if you want to tally it up that way.

[missed_theboat]

what shows? I tell it how it is, your a board newbie... you asked for advice, I gave you exactly what you asked for. You will see, Wilson is always right. Just because I don't hold your hand or give you a big hug doesn't mean I have no idea what Im talking about. And by the way, his behavior is "friendly to the point of friends with benefits" theres nothing in there that says he wants to be in a relationship with you, he hasnt apologized and said Im sorry lets try this again

 

See you in a few months when you come back complaining about the same behavior.

 

You are young and naive. Have fun on your trip. Good Luck with that

 

 

Nice edit. And yeah, I don't need my hand held. Friendly with benefits? What benefits? Him giving me $1,000 or taking me on an all-expenses paid road trip in a luxury car? yeah! That's benefits, FOR ME. We don't have a sexual relationship. Today we got to talking sexually, for the first time, because I mentioned something explicit, and he went along with it.

 

Apologized for what? He has nothing to apologize to me for that he hasn't already, months ago. He said he wants to try it again after he gets himself back together, with therapy. He doesn't think he's able to make the responsibility to me that he should, to be a good healthy partner. He is going to therapy for extreme anxiety and felt his instability because of those issues was detrimental to our relationship, as they manifested in various ways that harmed us. He wants to get himself together, and come back to it, a healthier man, but he doesn't want to jump back in while he's still going through an emotional hard-time. In the meantime, though, we agreed to maintain contact, because neither one of us wanted to lose the other. Yes, I wish we could do all this while dating but unfortunately, when we've gotten back together before (which always happened) it turned out to be the same things, because he had not been willing to confront his own issues, and neither had I. So, now that we are both willing to deal with our own demons, so to speak, the future would be more promising if either of us wants to go back to it.

[wilsonx]

How many times have you both broken up with each other?

[missed_theboat]

How many times have you both broken up with each other?

 

Seriously... maybe twice. It was for... 3 days each time, so it wasn't like anything major. It was mostly always about me giving him space, when he just wanted to chill, or not continue to pester him to talk on the phone. Then he'd get angry and tell me just to let him think for a while, and when I bothered him to the point of being extremely angry, he would not call me for three days or so. Then he'd call and usually apologize and just let me know that he appreciates his space and that sometimes he just needs a moment to think and that if I gave it to him, he'd come back always (which he always did) but I'd get impatient and nag at him. I learned after that, that he always did come back, never left me hanging, and sometimes just wanted a quiet walk with the dog to clear his mind. I just became really antsy and insecure at times, which made him mad. He prefers the independent, funny, strong me. And since I haven't been clingy towards him during this break-up (letting him do the calling/texting), he's appreciated that a lot. Instead of calling and texting so much, I've just left it up to him and kept myself at a distance. I know how he feels, as we've had extensive conversations about it.

 

I guess my main concern is that I will have to be so far away from him. We talked about having a relationship and I said "But I'd be two hours away" and he said "For a guy that loves to drive, that wouldn't be a problem at all!" He said "If you get yourself together and I get myself together, then I would love to give it another shot, you know I would." I'm staying a friend to him because he has not very many, and he's confronting things that he has never before... I just want him to know I'm there. He calls to keep me updated on his therapy, to ask how things are, to chat. Only recently, with my initiation, did it become sexual. I mean I talked about having a package to unwrap on our trip and he asked what that meant and I said "Oh nothing, unless you want to unwrap me" and he laughed and said "Of course, ditto" and it all went from there. Just joking banter.