Is This Womanese for "I'm Not Interested!"

[Emilia]

Well on our third date, yes, but on our 4th, 5th, and 6th date there was no opportunity to escalate. Should I have pulled down my pants and banged her in her office? That would have been kinda hot actually, but....

 

 

I feel the need to somehow assert myself and show her that it's not OK to play these stupid games with me; either she's interested, or she's not (in an attractive and confident/non-pushy way).

 

I am starting off by breaking a trend and not asking her out this weekend. I would be headed for my grave if I did that. I think she has to come to me.

 

What do you think?

 

I think that the two of you don't get each other well and you don't communicate well. I had the impression from your previous thread that you met online and she wasn't sure sometimes whether your hesitance towards her was a result of your seeing someone else.

 

The two of you don't seem to gel well considering you have had about 6 dates already. Why is that you think?

[Johnny85]

I think that the two of you don't get each other well and you don't communicate well. I had the impression from your previous thread that you met online and she wasn't sure sometimes whether your hesitance towards her was a result of your seeing someone else.

 

The two of you don't seem to gel well considering you have had about 6 dates already. Why is that you think?

 

Yeah we met online! Ever since we met, I have done more than enough to convey that I am interested in her (asking her out three times and basically getting blown off; granted she did go out of town last weekend, but she never rescheduled, etc).

 

We gel well when we're together, but she never wants to talk on the phone (I called her last Wednesday, and she never returned my call, instead I received a text). I don't want to be that guy who chases after a ghost; either she is interested, or she is not. I just feel like she should come to me now.

 

Why we don't communicate well? I always respond to her texts, ask her out, tried to call her, but the emotional investment in this game is not 50/50, rather 80/20 right now. She has to show me more that she is interested before I make another move. Emilia, it's really confusing and frustrating, for when we are together, she ALWAYS gives me signals that she is interested. Like last time (two weeks ago) we made out and she told me she wanted to see me again soon. BAM! Nothing since.

 

 

Honestly, I think I am shooting myself in the foot here, for if she were "that" interested in me, she would have wanted to see me again (and made an effort to do so). Arrrghhh, I am so confused.

[Emilia]

Yeah we met online! Ever since we met, I have done more than enough to convey that I am interested in her (asking her out three times and basically getting blown off; granted she did go out of town last weekend, but she never rescheduled, etc).

 

We gel well when we're together, but she never wants to talk on the phone (I called her last Wednesday, and she never returned my call, instead I received a text). I don't want to be that guy who chases after a ghost; either she is interested, or she is not. I just feel like she should come to me now.

 

Why we don't communicate well? I always respond to her texts, ask her out, tried to call her, but the emotional investment in this game is not 50/50, rather 80/20 right now. She has to show me more that she is interested before I make another move. Emilia, it's really confusing and frustrating, for when we are together, she ALWAYS gives me signals that she is interested. Like last time (two weeks ago) we made out and she told me she wanted to see me again soon. BAM! Nothing since.

 

 

Honestly, I think I am shooting myself in the foot here, for if she were "that" interested in me, she would have wanted to see me again (and made an effort to do so). Arrrghhh, I am so confused.

 

I had the impression also from your posts that she may have felt she was putting more effort into the dates. Not saying that's the case but it's the impression I was getting. Didn't you try to arrange things last minute with her when she turned you down? Women like to feel you plan ahead, it's only when they trust you that they go for last minute dates because they don't want to feel they are a fall back plan (especially if they are suspicious that you are multi dating). I'm only asking because I'm trying to understand her view point as she isn't here to explain herself.

 

If I remember correctly when she organised the dates they were set up further in advance?

 

As for her not liking the phone: if she has genuine trouble building a connection and rapport with you, there isn't a huge amount you can do. It's possible that you will have to cut your losses at some point and focus on someone else.

[rightfield]

It really is confusing and frustrating. One of the last times I saw the one I was dating, after over a week of little contact, she sat across from me and said, "you are the total package. I don't want you to dump me."

 

The rest of the date was all kissy and handholdy, then a week later, she wouldn't return phone calls.

 

So I totally get the WTF? feeling.

 

Whatever...

 

NEXT!

[Johnny85]

I had the impression also from your posts that she may have felt she was putting more effort into the dates. Not saying that's the case but it's the impression I was getting. Didn't you try to arrange things last minute with her when she turned you down? Women like to feel you plan ahead, it's only when they trust you that they go for last minute dates because they don't want to feel they are a fall back plan (especially if they are suspicious that you are multi dating). I'm only asking because I'm trying to understand her view point as she isn't here to explain herself.

 

If I remember correctly when she organised the dates they were set up further in advance?

 

As for her not liking the phone: if she has genuine trouble building a connection and rapport with you, there isn't a huge amount you can do. It's possible that you will have to cut your losses at some point and focus on someone else.

 

She has her own business and it seems like she is always working. Besides that, she is a social butterfly and knows everyone and everybody. So she is either out of town or at some event/get together. And I get that - she has a life and is busy. But at the same time, we make time for things we want in life. Her schedule is sporadic; she even said so herself. Before we even had a chance to meet up, she rescheduled TWICE. When I asked her out for our second date, she rejected me cause her "male" friend was staying with her over the weekend. She invited me to a bar where she was hanging out with him 3 days later. During date #3 (the date we should have had sex), she was making plans with me to spend the weekend together (have breakfast, go to the movies, meet her parents). The next morning she canceled everything. I contacted her a few days later and asked her out (out 4th date) and she said "maybe, we'll see." She invited me out that Saturday to a bar. She asked me out last minute for dates 5 and 6 (as in the same day). During date #6, made out passionately, followed by a text saying, "see you soon... I hope." I sent her a text saying I felt the same way.

 

 

Since then by date:

 

 

1) I sent her a joke via text (no response)

2) I asked her if I could bring her dinner to her office (she rejected saying she was running errands in the evening)

3) I asked her out for Halloween (no response)

4) I contacted her on Facebook and sent her a ringtone of her favorite band (just a nice thing to do). She said thank you. I asked how her Halloween was - No response to my question. She commented on my status update 20 minutes later.

5) The next day I asked her out and she first responded the next day (she was going out of town, so she couldn't then). I also sent her a pic of my kitten. She first responded to the pic 4 days later. W T F? (We both like cats.)

 

 

 

 

So as you can see, I have put in enough effort with her. See why she should make the next move? I don't want to continue pursuing someone who isn't that into me. I wish she would just tell me she isn't interested if that's the case. She told me on date #5 that she would just tell a guy directly if she was not interested in him. The mixed signals are confusing me. I just feel like I need to back off so that she values me more.

[Johnny85]

It really is confusing and frustrating. One of the last times I saw the one I was dating, after over a week of little contact, she sat across from me and said, "you are the total package. I don't want you to dump me."

 

The rest of the date was all kissy and handholdy, then a week later, she wouldn't return phone calls.

 

So I totally get the WTF? feeling.

 

Whatever...

 

NEXT!

 

Yeah it sucks. I don't know if it has to do with validation, insecurity, hormones, etc, but why would someone play games like that and string us along? Whatever happened to being genuine and sincere?

[Emilia]

It does sound like she doesn't have her priorities right for dating. In fact it sounds very much like the situation that girls usually post when others tell them the guy only wants casual dating and sex. It sounds like she doesn't have time for dating you properly and is only after opportunities to get laid. I think you should either be prepared to do stuff last minute with her and enjoy the sex or if you are looking for more, you need to find it with someone else. I'd suggest the latter.

[Johnny85]

It does sound like she doesn't have her priorities right for dating. In fact it sounds very much like the situation that girls usually post when others tell them the guy only wants casual dating and sex. It sounds like she doesn't have time for dating you properly and is only after opportunities to get laid. I think you should either be prepared to do stuff last minute with her and enjoy the sex or if you are looking for more, you need to find it with someone else. I'd suggest the latter.

 

Do you think asking her out this weekend would be coming across as too strong? Should I just wait for her to come to me?

[Imajerk17]

IF you want a straight answer, ask for one...

 

"Hey Jenn, called you earlier. So when are we going to see each other again? I like you, but lately it feels like I'm the only one putting in the effort here. We both agreed that we aren't into playing games, so please give me a straight answer."

[SingleinSouth]

Dating is such a complicated process and we never REALLY know what creates the chemistry (and this is particularly true with women since we aren't mostly about looks in a guy).

 

When I joined an OLD site, the first guy I found that I wanted to talk to and messaged- we had a fabulous discussion! He was funny and intelligent and we got along really well. He suggested we add each other on facebook and we did. Then...we sporadically talked and he asked me out several times and I hedged (I can't even tell you why now) and this went on about 2 months. He didnt get pushy or whiny or resentful....he just kept saying hi on fb or on the dating site when I was on there. Finally, I noticed something on his fb page that made me more interested. He had gone on a long hiking trip and it's something I enjoy doing, too. So then, I was interested and the next time he asked me out when we chatted, I said yes.

 

To make a long story short, I wasn't very interested until the 3rd date. We kissed on the second date and didn't have sex for several weeks after that. But after the third date, I was very interested. He played it cool, always. I even asked him after the 3rd date if we were just "activity partners" because it seemed as if he might not be attracted to me? He said, "no, that's not where my mind is at all.":D

 

So...who knows how it all works or what sparks each person? But I agree with FeelinFrisky that when you find it, it works without much effort (until the first conflict and all, hehe). I also agree that backing off is the answer sometimes. It sounds like I would back off with this girl and not be whiny or resentful about it. If it's meant to be, it will happen. She doesn't sound shy, so I'm sure she will make it unmistakeable if she wants to go out with you.

[Emilia]

IF you want a straight answer, ask for one...

 

"Hey Jenn, called you earlier. So when are we going to see each other again? I like you, but lately it feels like I'm the only one putting in the effort here. We both agreed that we aren't into playing games, so please give me a straight answer."

 

Yes this is what I would do.

[waynesworld]

Why do you have to hear her say she isn't interested? Words are cheap (as she demonstrated when she said she would just tell a guy if she didn't like him - she obviously doesn't do that). Her actions have told you everything you need to know anyway. If you want to assert yourself, I say move on and never look back.

[The Way I Am]

My question for all of you relationship experts, men and women alike, is this: how would a woman respond to a text asking her if she is still interested in dating me? For instance:

 

Hey name! May I ask you something? Are you still interested in dating me? If not, no worries; I just thought I would ask.

 

That is terrible. Do not send her that unless you want to kill any interest she has in you at all. You are never going to get a positive answer to a question like that.

 

I don't think this girl is acting as if she's not interested. But probably she's not as interested in you as you seem to be in her at this point.

 

Just because she has her phone with her all the time doesn't mean she's deliberately ignoring you when she doesn't answer right away. I always have my phone and sometimes a text will come in. I'll glance at it long enough to read it, but am either busy at that moment or not sure how to reply. So I set the phone down, go about what I'm doing, and sometimes I forget about the message.

 

The only thing her not immediately replying tells you is that she's not thinking of you 24/7, staring at her phone and waiting for you to contact her. You on the other hand are acting needy and clingy. You've only been on a few dates. If a girl was contacting you like you have been with her, would you find it attractive?

 

I agree with the suggestions that you need to back off a little. But I'd also like to add that you need to get other things to occupy yourself with besides women so you're not so focused on how long it's taking for someone to respond. You need to just chill the hell out and not over-analyse things. Get out and see if you meet any other interesting women. If not, you can check back in with her in a couple weeks.

Edited November 9, 2011 by The Way I Am

[The Way I Am]

"I think you are super cool, but I am getting mixed signals."

 

or

 

"either you are interested or not."

 

or

 

"I am not that guy who plays silly games. I am looking for something sincere and genuine. If that is not you, I will move on..."

 

When you're done sending that, why don't you just go shoot yourself in the foot.

[Johnny85]

Hey All! Thank you so much for all of your advice - I feel much better about the situation now (regardless of the outcome).

 

A short recap to everyone coming in and reading my last post:

 

We have gone on 6 dates so far. We have kissed a lot. Last time we saw each other, she told me she hoped to see me again that week. After that, she distanced herself: we haven't seen each other in two weeks. She responded to one of my texts yesterday (that I sent her Friday).

 

Her response: I saw the mouse!!! My cat is cuter than your cat though!!!

 

My question is this: it has been a week since I last asked her out. Should I wait another week before asking her out again? Is one week enough space? Or should I just go ahead and ask her out this weekend again?

 

I would really appreciate ALL of your advice on this. Thanks guys!

[Johnny85]

She just sent me a long arse text asking me if I wanted to write a business plan for her and she would pay me as a sub contractor. Am I being friend zoned here guys? LOL

 

 

I don't think you can even make my story up if you tried. LOL The adventures of....

Edited November 10, 2011 by Johnny85
k

[Emilia]

She just sent me a long arse text asking me if I wanted to write a business plan for her and she would pay me as a sub contractor. Am I being friend zoned here guys? LOL

 

 

I don't think you can even make my story up if you tried. LOL The adventures of....

 

No, she is trying to keep you around. Go for it and see what happens. She likes you

[Art_Critic]

Am I being friend zoned here guys? LOL

 

 

No.. you are friendzoned...

 

You friendzoned yourself when you didn't make a move on her and she was looking for you to..

 

Can you get out of the friendzone.. it's tough.. and not many guys have done it but it can be done.

In your case the good thing you have going for you is that she contacts you..

 

Proceed with that knowledge and earn some cash...

[rightfield]

Now see, this is what frustrates the crap out of me, and probably OP as well.

 

Here we have a female saying, "she likes you, go for it." And a male saying nah, forget it, you're friendzoned.

 

When this happens, this is where I say F it. It really doesn't have to be this complicated.

[USCGAviator]

Quit complicating your own dating life. I recently met a woman at the bar a couple weeks ago. We hit it off very well and exchanged numbers. She contacted me first, and I tried a couple times to set up dates with her which were shot down by her "busy" schedule.

 

No harm in that, she has my number if she ever decides to put some effort in us. My life goes on and so should yours.

[Johnny85]

Quit complicating your own dating life. I recently met a woman at the bar a couple weeks ago. We hit it off very well and exchanged numbers. She contacted me first, and I tried a couple times to set up dates with her which were shot down by her "busy" schedule.

 

No harm in that, she has my number if she ever decides to put some effort in us. My life goes on and so should yours.

 

Well the girl that I am dating actually shows me tons of interest when we are together (6 dates so far). She even acts nervous, and kisses me a lot. Then when we aren't together, she backs way off. I got emotionally invested in this girl too much though.

 

We are meeting at a cafe tonight actually to work on the business plan.

 

 

I don't know if she is trying to friend zone me or not; it is hard to say, for she has a lot of guy friends, and the last thing I want to do is become a member in that pool. At the same time, she knows that I like her, so the fact that she contacted me (regardless if it's business or pleasure) does indicate that she doesn't view me as "just a friend." So confusing....

[The Way I Am]

There's really know way to know what her motivations for asking for your help are at this point.

 

She might be asking only because she wants your help on the business plan.

 

Or she might be asking because it's a good excuse to see you, and your help with the business plan is an after thought/bonus.

 

Treat it like a date. Flirt with her and treat her exactly like you would if the business plan wasn't involved. If she reciprocates, she's either into you or she's a calculating b!tch who's using you to get free help. (The latter is much less common than paranoid, bitter men would like to believe.)

 

Most likely it's an excuse to see you without coming off as desperate.

 

If she doesn't reciprocate and only wants to talk business, you'll know it's time to move on.

 

There is good cause to be optimistic. But you still need to take a step back emotionally until she gives you more to go on as far as her feelings for you.

[Johnny85]

There's really know way to know what her motivations for asking for your help are at this point.

 

She might be asking only because she wants your help on the business plan.

 

Or she might be asking because it's a good excuse to see you, and your help with the business plan is an after thought/bonus.

 

Treat it like a date. Flirt with her and treat her exactly like you would if the business plan wasn't involved. If she reciprocates, she's either into you or she's a calculating b!tch who's using you to get free help. (The latter is much less common than paranoid, bitter men would like to believe.)

 

Most likely it's an excuse to see you without coming off as desperate.

 

If she doesn't reciprocate and only wants to talk business, you'll know it's time to move on.

 

There is good cause to be optimistic. But you still need to take a step back emotionally until she gives you more to go on as far as her feelings for you.

 

I may be in real trouble. I met with her tonight and we chit chatted for a few minutes, but then dove right into discussing business. I will be earning a lot of cash from this contract. It is a lot of work though. We are gonna meet up this weekend and work together. When we said good night, she only hugged me. And when she ran into someone she knew at the cafe, she introduced me as her friend. F**********!!!!!

 

 

Am I being friend zoned?

[Tayla]

I may be in real trouble. I met with her tonight and we chit chatted for a few minutes, but then dove right into discussing business. I will be earning a lot of cash from this contract. It is a lot of work though. We are gonna meet up this weekend and work together. When we said good night, she only hugged me. And when she ran into someone she knew at the cafe, she introduced me as her friend. F**********!!!!!

 

 

Am I being friend zoned?

 

Ask her directly. As to the politeness of being introduced why is there such a negativity towards being called a friend? Sorry but I find it quite complimentary when I am introduced that way to people. Even when in a relations being called a friend is a positive...I find to much emphasis on being more when in reality even those dating better be friends from the start.

[Johnny85]

So should I be super assertive with her when I see her next time? She did smile at me when we said goodbye (but no kiss), and we held eye contact for 3-4 seconds. I am starting to fall in love with her... and now we are working on a project together and I am afraid that is gonna make me get friend zoned.