Jane2011 Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 (edited) Please read this situation and help me understand why this guy might not want to be friends. He and I knew each other as casual friends/classmates for three years before we got together this past summer. We kind of had a three week "fling" in which we had sex twice. It was very nice and respectful, but he ended it with me in three weeks' time, saying that he wasn't looking for a relationship and that he just didn't think we "clicked" well. I was sad but accepted it, and at the time, I said (in so many words), "Well, I would've liked to have dated you, but I accept what you want and though I know it might be weird to go back to being friends again, maybe in a few months, after it all blows over, we can do just that." He seemed amenable to that. So that was in mid-June. And we didn't talk for four months. We were still friends on Facebook all the while, but still never talked to each other, nor did we "like" or "comment" on each other's things. (In fact, his profile's up but he rarely posts at all, so it was like he really wasn't there.). And I never posted anything even remotely referential to what happened between us, nor did I post about my dating life, etc. I was cool and mature about it all. Just a week ago (four months since the time we last talked), I called and texted him and said "Hey, it's been a while. Just want to see how you're doing -- life, cooking school, etc.". He never answered the call or the text, but just the other day (three days ago), I ran into him and his new girlfriend. It was a hard situation for me because I haven't met anyone new, the new girlfriend he has is pretty, they looked cozy and happy, etc. I casually asked, when we first saw each other, "hey, did ya get my text?" He said yes, but that he's been busy. He says he's been out of touch with a lot of people. Anyway, I had small talk with him and his new girl. It was awkward, but I was polite and cordial. etc. My question is: why would he not want to be friends with me if 1) he was the one who broke up with ME? i.e. he's the one who did the rejecting; there should be no anger or bitterness on his part, 2) we were, in fact, friends before. We weren't on this extremely close level, but we were good pals. We'd text each other about two or three times a month (pre-getting together), 3) I haven't been "pushing it" as far as a lot of contact. I let a whole four months of complete silence pass. And I don't even expect to be friends like we were before. I only want to just have some distant friendship wherein we might do a "catch up" call once every two or three months. I'm not desiring to hang out with him...and I think the way I contacted him suggests that. I said "we haven't talked in a long while, just want to catch up..." I'm sincere in just wanting to be able to vent to each other about stuff the way we did before *once every two months or so* (and not even in person) Why would he not want that? I didn't do anything wrong.... I know the obvious answer is he doesn't think it'd be respectful to the new girlfriend to talk to me since he's had sex with me. But then my question is this: why would he not send me just ONE text saying that it's a conflict of interest now? He's ignored the few texts I've sent, and I'm not pushing it, but I'm just surprised by him not even just saying ONE TIME what his position is... Edited November 5, 2011 by Jane2011
Author Jane2011 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 I also want to add, I know he said "I've been out of touch lately..." But the point is, I don't really believe that. I mean, I believe he would be not texting and calling people back right away. But not at all? I don't believe that. I have a feeling his not getting back in touch with me is related to what went on with us. So I'm asking guys/girls, if you were in his position, can you see a rationale for why he wouldn't want to talk to me at all?
Lobouspo Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 The cold hard fact is many men exploit friendships with women to have sex with them. That is reality I'm afraid. He had sex with you a couple of times and he is blowing you off. Probably never really valued you as a friend to begin with, I mean think about it. It sounds like you developed some feelings for this guy, he got what he wanted out of you, and now he is moving on and has girlfriend. Don't take it personal, guys like this are a dime a dozen. At least he did not lead you on, and told you what his endgame was right off the bat. Maybe this can be a lesson to you, if you value a male as a friend, maybe not such a great idea to hop in the sac with him right away...Not being judgemental, just sayin.
SWAN808 Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 It could be because as much as me was amenable - he doesnt see you as a friend anymore after what happened. Having met someone else perhaps he withdrew from the idea and wasnt comfortable with it given his new squeeze - even though it was just a very benign friendly text from you. Sometimes people dont deal with things very well...guys arent always friendly.
carhill Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 Friendships are built over time, through mutual interests, respect and trust. You and he had a three week fling based on sexual pleasure. This is what I called 'instant intimacy' when I was young. It generally has no basis in any of the precepts which form and support mutually healthy and lasting friendships. Lacking further insight, he wanted to have sex with you and enjoy that pleasure and the companionship which attended it. Once he moved on from that, there was nothing between you. I've experienced similar with women, generally married women, who love the thrill of instant intimacy but aren't interested in anything meaningful or lasting. Once they 'move on', it's like a light switch flipping. Poof. From my own personal experience, I like to say that, if my exW and I were friends, we'd still be married. Perhaps that instructive. Good luck
Author Jane2011 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 Yeah, I can see that. It's just that...I know a bit about him. He has has very little sex in his past. He's 31 years old. Had sex for the first time when he was 16, then didn't have sex with anyone for twelve years (used porn a lot, though), had sex again when he was 28 with a girlfriend who he stayed with for 2 years. I was his third sex partner. He's not quite the "player" type. I mean, I know what you're saying, and definitely the fact that he's had few sex partners doesn't mean he can't still use a person. I just think it's odd because we were pals for three years. There was a time when he was interested in me (a year ago) and I didn't show interest back, but he still treated me as a friend. I also know he has plenty of female friends, and not all of them are particularly attractive; they're just people he enjoys talking to, etc. Some are older and just probably note cute enough for him, etc. I see most men as being able to have friendships with women and not just because they want to sleep with them.
carhill Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 I see most men as being able to have friendships with women and not just because they want to sleep with them. I agree. He wasn't one of those men, evidently. Generally, men don't have 'friendships' with women they have sex with; they have relationships. That relationship could be anything from casual sex to being married. The same would apply to women. The same would apply to homosexual and bi-sexual people. We all make choices. With those choices come consequences. When you and he decided to change your dynamic from 'pals' to 'sexual partners', you mutually changed your dynamic forever. You, on one hand, think it's perfectly normal to have sex with someone and then mutate to platonic friends. Evidently, he feels differently. It is what it is. Perhaps he will change in time; perhaps not. Only way to find out is to live it.
Author Jane2011 Posted November 6, 2011 Author Posted November 6, 2011 Thanks for the responses, all. You're decent people. I have to say that because I've visited other message boards where people are complete a-holes. Y'all are cool. And yeah, I do think the guy will probably reach out if/when he is alone again. I'll decide how to deal with that if/when the time comes. For a long time, I was thinking about him. And obviously I still am. But I just had a first date last night in which some making out occurred. So...things are looking better. I'm still not over the other guy completely, but I at least don't feel as wretched and unwanted as I was feeling for some time.
Author Jane2011 Posted November 6, 2011 Author Posted November 6, 2011 (edited) I agree. He wasn't one of those men, evidently. Generally, men don't have 'friendships' with women they have sex with; they have relationships. That relationship could be anything from casual sex to being married. The same would apply to women. The same would apply to homosexual and bi-sexual people. We all make choices. With those choices come consequences. When you and he decided to change your dynamic from 'pals' to 'sexual partners', you mutually changed your dynamic forever. You, on one hand, think it's perfectly normal to have sex with someone and then mutate to platonic friends. Evidently, he feels differently. It is what it is. Perhaps he will change in time; perhaps not. Only way to find out is to live it. You're right. That makes me feel better. For him, it's just not natural even if he may believe in my sincerity. I think that's probably the case. To me, it's perfectly acceptable. I was in a relationship for five and a half years with someone (a different guy) from 2004 to 2010. I'm no longer in love with him, and it happens that he's one of my best friends now. My mother is always worried that I'm going to get back together with him when I mention that we're still friends, but it's not gonna happen. Like I tell her, "he and I are like brother and sister now." There are a few other people who I have had some sort of short-lived relationship with who I am also still friends with. We may not talk all the time, but we would talk. And there are no lingering feelings. I can easily do that with this recent guy, too. I could go have a drink with him and his new girl and not have much of a problem with it. That's a fact! I'm just the sort of person who forces emotional resilience on myself. A sort of "fake it 'til you make it" thing. But I always make it. But I think I'm just different. Edited November 6, 2011 by Jane2011
Recommended Posts