Dating without enough physical attraction...can it be done?

[MaxNoob]

 

I have some belief that people who weren't "handed ****" for just looking good have more character and or substance within them.

 

 

For me, there is no band that can speak to the soul and communicate suffering better than Radiohead, and I suspected that part of the reason for that is Tom Yorke's appearance. I can picture the prejudice and heartbreak he had to endure because of that asymmetrical face with a drooping eyelid. A pretty boy could never write music like this:

 

Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees

[SilverLining]

I personally find it amazing how many people don't actually READ and instead imagine that this is the same exact issue for them and they have to take it out on me rather than look at themselves. Look guys, there is someone for EVERYONE. Doesn't matter if you are short, tall, ugly, immature, gorgeous, arrogant, smart or stupid. If you haven't found that person yet it's probably because you haven't made the effort to get out and try. And if you HAVE made the effort...well sometimes it takes awhile. It doesn't happen overnight, it can take years. I already said that I always have options, but guess what? Sometimes I go out and I get completely overlooked in favor of my tall, exotic looking or blonde friends. And sometimes I don't. The point is, most everyone has a preference.

 

My friend is an awesome guy. I have already said that I've slept with him, I've kissed him already. I have never said I needed a model, although I HAVE dated a model and guess what, he was too thin! I'd prefer a regular guy to a handsome Adonis, someone shorter to someone tall, and someone a bit nerdy to someone arrogant and too charming to be trusted.

 

I am very honest with my friend, he knows exactly how I feel. I have told him because I want to give him the opportunity to say, "f you, I'll find someone else who is crazy about me." He refuses to do so, because he has known me for years and knows I'm a good person who would never hurt anyone if I could help it. I tell him I will keep an open mind and maybe my feelings will change, and who knows, they could. I DO like him, I DO care about him.

 

This is the difference. If you hear a song that you love, it's probably not the lyrics, it's probably the music. I could read every guy's lyrics and pick and choose which is the best for me, but unless the music thrills me, there's not much I can do. I'm hoping to listen to my friend's song a few times and develop an appreciation that MAKES me love him. The problem is, I was so in love - and completely in lust - with someone once, and having experienced that, you don't want anything less. If you have never been so completely in love before, and you are just sitting around waiting to take any female that glances your way, you probably are not remotely qualified to venture an opinion as you HAVE no experience in what it's like to be with someone that everything feels RIGHT with. Of course, you'd take anything...but you'd probably realize there will be a certain type of woman that thrills you as well.

 

My friend disliking Asian girls...he thinks they lack curves, for one thing, but also he has spent significant amount of time in numerous Asian countries. Popular ideas about how women should behave don't appeal to him (extremely cutesy, many of them dying hair excessively, skin whitening, and lots of plastic surgery for regular people). These are not Americanized Asian girls and not even all Asian girls in Asian countries, but he's seen enough to not be interested. I think also he gets annoyed by all the guys who come over thinking they are going to get an Asian girlfriend based on some mistaken idea about how they are going to act and not how they really are. Then they get upset when they realize that the cultural differences are a problem, for example many Asians will say one thing and do the opposite. It's polite for them but Americans consider it 2 faced. He likes Asian people as a whole, he has female friends that are Asian, he just prefers to not date them.

[Niagara Falls]

Wow, there have been so many responses...let me clarify a few things for everyone.

 

I think a lot of people missed the part (or maybe I didn't put it down in the spirit of keeping things short) but my friend and I had a 2 week fling, 6 years ago. I TRIED to date him. At the time, he had never been with a woman before, he was the stereotypical 'nice guy with a chip on his shoulder' and most of his issues were the result of his attitude. Although I didn't feel much attraction to him, at the time I was vulnerable and I needed comfort. I felt something for him, I couldn't really have involvement with someone I felt nothing for. It just wasn't ENOUGH, as I realized when I got some distance. I tried to tell him this, he became very upset (understandably!) and our friendship ended for a few years. Later on we started talking again, he realized he didn't treat me well in some ways because he was angry, I realized I had been using him in some ways for comfort. We both moved on. Then he goes to travel southeast asia for 5 months, solo, stopping to visit me in the middle east, where I was working. My job was AWFUL, I literally could do nothing but come home and cry, sleep, or sit around in a state of shock. After a lot of thought, and a lot of support from my coworkers, I decided to leave, and my friend and I decided to travel southeast asia for a bit. We are around each other 24/7.

 

We have always been emotionally compatible, which is why we made such good friends. 6 years ago, I was turned off by aspects of his personality that are not there now, so that's no longer an issue. What remains is the physical issue. When it comes to me and scrawny men, I tend to not find them attractive. I like bigger men because I want to feel protected. That seems to be quite common with women, but it's exacerbated for me because I have had an abusive childhood AND abusive relationships. I don't feel protected with scrawny guys. Also, I like a guy that can take charge, because while in normal life I am outgoing and independent, I love to let the man take charge in a lot of ways. He is actually better about this, whereas before I was ALWAYS in the lead.

 

I HAVE slept with my friend, I do kiss him. I am an extremely sexual person and we decided it would be ok as consenting adults to sleep together, provided things didn't get too messy. This was determined BEFORE I knew he still had feelings for me. I have found that he is incredibly sensual and an amazing kisser, he touches me a lot and is very complimentary. Compared to my last couple boyfriends who were attractive but never complimented me or were very affectionate, it's amazing. I appreciate my friend, I think he's wonderful. I want to hit MYSELF every time I think that I would date him and never let him go if he were only more attractive to me. Now I know that he is falling in love with me again and I'm not sure what to do.

 

I am decently attractive. I am social, have many friends, almost never single and when I am I always get asked out. I have a good body and big boobs and an hourglass figure so when people see me, and then they see my friend, people assume we are only friends and guys ask me out in front of him. I have dated models, I have dated guys who were thought to not be that attractive. I have dated men who have lost their hair and dated men who became seriously obese and I always loved them and never dumped them. I don't go for the hottest guys, I tend to not be attracted to guys that seem arrogant or players. I like the quiet, safe guy with average looks.

 

I wouldn't say my friend repulses me. I am getting somewhat used to it. But I don't want to be with someone I need to get used to and I think he deserves better than that. I don't want to tell him I will like him better if he works out, although that's true. I think he deserves the best. I also think I deserve someone I am really attracted to as well. I have told him that we should just take this day by day and not put any labels on anything. He knows how I feel, he knows my preferences, and he knows I do care about him. I will keep an open mind. But I do seriously worry about what happens if someone comes along that I am more attracted to. It isn't JUST that he's skinny, he's also very short too. I feel like I'm with someone who has the body of a middle schooler and it's weird for me.

 

If my friend had, let's say...worked out before I met him enough that I felt like I was with someone more manly, this wouldn't be an issue. And if later on he gained weight, lost his muscle tone, whathaveyou...then likely I would not lose my feelings, having initially fallen deeply in love. That's just how I am.

 

 

the guys you say you have dated do not all fall into the same category

 

AND THEN

 

the guys you say you go for do not include the ones you say youve dated in the same category at all!

 

your trying to cover up being shallow by saying your attracted to anything but his body type. but according to your relationship with men in the past, including but not limited to dating, it just simply does not add up in a logical profile. this is because your adding in things that simply are not true, to look like shallow, and you can deny it all you want but your only lying to yourself.

 

you say you feel protected by big guys because youve been abused by your father and past relationships? no anthropologist or psychologist would believe that you date men of these builds because of past abuse. who are the guys who did this to you? the same ones you say your "attracted to"

 

maybe a skinny guy that wont harm you is what you need.

 

but then you say you like the quiet nice guy. once again does not fit the profile of a man with a large build whos confident enough to abuse his girlfriend and expect to get away with it.

 

all in all, since many of you wont understand this side of logical thinking, ill put it in short terms:

 

your making a lot of unbeilievable excuses and lies as to why you dont feel sexually attracted to him, when, in reality you are just being shallow. now there is a deeper rooted explanation to "being shallow" and it is psychological. but thats way over my head. but it has do to with the fact that your unconciously telling yourself that because hes not what you usually go for anymore, and that your above a guy like that since your younger years with him, that you should feel above him and that he is not worthy.

 

you need to figure out why your not attracted to him like that. if you dont your only options are stay friends, or take a chance and date him and see where it goes.

 

obviously the latter could be the end of your friendship forever though, so choose your decision carefully

[LittleTiger]

For goodness sake!

 

All you guys who are, for some reason, feeling personally insulted by the OPs lack of sexual attraction to her friend, please give it a rest. This isn't about you - any of you - sort your own issues out and the leave the OP alone!

 

Anyone who thinks a LTR will work between two people who don't feel a mutual sexual attraction is just kidding themselves - heartbreak for one or both people is the most likely outcome.

 

If someone isn't attracted to you - move on - and, in my opinion OP, if you really do care for your friend you should be telling him to do just that.

 

You are currently giving him false hope, which is worse than no hope at all!

[Leigh 87]

little tiger - I am sure the OP did not intend to string him alone with the notion of a happy ending together.... She could have been trying to be open to guys that were not attractive to her. She could have been trying to NOT act shallow, and learn to become attracted to the guy based on who he was as a person.

 

Unfortunately, as you have clearly stated, sometimes you just cannot force attraction. It cannot always grow. At leat the OP was open to it, even with a guy she was not attracted to physically.

 

I hope the OP continues to be open to guys who may not be " hotties" by universal standards, and that the OP has ALSO learnt that even if she DOES try to do this, that some guys will just not physically do it for her.

 

Unlike the two mean posters attacking the OP, I think the OP MEANT to do a GOOD thing - being open to guys she does not find attractive; trying to NOT act shallow.

 

It is a choice to act shallow or not, however, it is NOT our choice if we CANNOT become sexually attracted to someone.

 

I gave my guy a chance and I became attracted. Although giving a guy a chance simply because you want to give an average or unnattractive guy a chance does not always mean u will grow to find them to be attractive to u, in the way needed for a sexual relationship.

 

 

Lol - the funny thing is.. My guy is very cute, however, when I first met him, I realize I had high standards, and therefore did NOT view him as attractive.

 

He is actually very attractive!!!! I guess I had too high standards and needed to come down to earth and realize that not all guys were like the male model body builder I hooked up with....

 

Even if the OP IS shallow, at least she tried to change her shallowness - she demonstrated this, by trying to see if things would work for a guy she was not attracted to.

[LittleTiger]

Leigh, I don't believe the OP is deliberately stringing this guy along and nor do I think she is shallow. I think she has given this 'relationship' a fair shot and now is the time to let the guy go.

 

Continuing as she is suggests that she's using him until someone she is attracted to comes along - and that is going to break his heart.

 

When you truly care about someone that sometimes means putting their feelings and their best interests before your own.

[ffw]

I tell him I will keep an open mind and maybe my feelings will change, and who knows, they could. I DO like him, I DO care about him.

 

Silver, you are giving him false hope. If you really care about him, then you have to be true to both, yourself & him, & let him go. As LT, already mentioned, it won't be fair to him to see you fall love in another guy.

[counterman]

Yes, let him go... it will save him a lot of pain later.

[Content]

I think its wrong to attack the op,she clearly wants to give this guy a shot and make the effott but if theryes no attraction you cant force it

 

I think Men have to realize the stuff they were told about women and how theyre emtional creatures and not that visual are false

 

Women are just as if not probably more shalllow and visual then Men so if she isnt physcially attracted to you theryes little u can do to change her mind

 

The initial physical attraction is huge to get your foot in the door and as long as you dont f it up youll be good

 

But if theyres no physical attraction from the begining with a women you have little chance so dont force it

[Imajerk17]

I'm usually pretty hard on the women, and I think SilverLining is getting too much crap here. C'mon dudes, bitterness is a turn-off. Women don't owe your gloomy, socially challenged azzes a chance. Maybe start by going to the gym and getting yourself some nicer clothes or something.

 

I'm not sure if it is possible for you to fall in love with your friend. I would have a tough time getting past it, but then again, I'm a guy.

[OnyxSnowfall]

For me, there is no band that can speak to the soul and communicate suffering better than Radiohead, and I suspected that part of the reason for that is Tom Yorke's appearance. I can picture the prejudice and heartbreak he had to endure because of that asymmetrical face with a drooping eyelid. A pretty boy could never write music like this:

 

Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees

 

I love Radiohead myself --- have since I was 11

[Leigh 87]

It is true, that sexual and physical attraction cannot always be forced. HOWEVER: if you do not know the person well, you could not NOT MUCH physical attraction, that could GROW if u get to know and love the person their non physical attributes.

 

If you already know the person well, then there is little hope to grow to love them and become physically attracted, if your just not to begin with.

 

My point was to urge people to give their dates a shot, if your not that atracted physically, but have not yewt got to know them.

[SilverLining]

Thank you, everyone who has responded to my post. It's given me a lot to think about.

 

In terms of the emotional and physical abuse I suffered, it was mostly at the hands of my dad, who was blonde, blue eyed, short and scrawny. I tend like best men with brown hair who are average looking facially and have bigger bodies. I have dated guys of different races and with different hair colors. Sometimes bigger guys that I date become obese or lose their hair but since I am already in love, I don't care. Some of these guys were very muscular, some were stocky, and some were more average. One was thinner (the model) and I wasn't as attracted to him BECAUSE he was thin, although he WAS tall and that's probably why I was better about it, because he was still bigger...although to be honest, give me a short, stocky guy ANY day of the week over a tall one. In every case, I go for more rugged, manly looking men.

 

In the case of my friend, he is small, petite, and more feminine looking. He is also really emotional. Facially I think he's quite cute. He's about 5'6'' or 5'8'' and 140 pounds. His arms and legs are thinner than MINE, he is slender everywhere except he has a bit of a gut, which I don't care about, it's the slenderness and smallness of everything else! He's a very slender build, and I'm more of the old timey pinup type of build. I am not big but I FEEL bigger compared to him. Now my brother is the SAME build as my friend, and he is dating a very waiflike girl and they look great together. So maybe some of this is that I don't need a big guy, I need someone who registers subconsciously as bigger than me, which my friend does not do.

 

In the attitude department, my friend and I read some of his old blogs from when I first met him - the difference is phenomenal. He was, quite simply, a complete jerk, walking around with a chip on his shoulder and blaming the world for ostracizing him. I've always been able to sort of see the good in people, and I saw him as so much more than that back then and apparently I brought out a side in him that he liked so much that he WANTED to be more social and kind. Apparently he liked it so much that he made the effort to be a more likeable and open minded person and that is why he has become so different. NOW he is open, kind, he laughs at himself and at life, he is very loving and affectionate, and good natured. Something that needs to be said is that I am the ONLY person he has been with. He's been in love or obsessed with me for years - not in a creepy way though, he kept most of it to himself - and it's a very potent thing, to be held in such high regard by someone like that.

 

Emotionally he is very sensual, he says the most romantic things to me. His passion, the way he touches me, the things he says, the way he kisses me, how he can't stop touching me, how we can talk about anything...this sort of thing makes me completely melt. Everything that I think matters most makes me want to fall completely in love with him and spend the rest of my life with him. This guy is my best friend. I WANT to love him, I WANT to date him. NOT because I think I would be giving him the 'gift' of finally getting me, but because getting HIM would be a gift. How many other women get pages of love beautifully written love letters, how many women have men who would massage them and brush their hair for hours, who find every little thing about them beautiful and amazing? How many people in general can be with someone who can list their faults but not even care? This is an incredibly special, amazing thing and it's something I appreciate and don't want to take for granted. I've been on SO many dates, dated so many men, and I KNOW how rare this is. Sure, I met find someone who attracts me more, but he likely won't treat me so well or care about me so much.

 

But despite my wanting to make something of this, despite my rationalizing and beating myself up about this, when we go out and I see other guys who are more my type I can't help looking and wishing my friend were like that. I get jealous of other girls who are MUCH less attractive than I am with guys that I would be really attracted to. I feel awkward with my friend because I feel that people are looking at us and wondering why I would be with this scrawny, awkward guy. I hate to admit it, but I, and I think a lot of people, innately want others to appreciate our choice of mate.

 

Intellectually I know that probably any of those women would be jealous of how well I am treated and how much I am cared for. I know that looks come and go. I know that none of this stuff should matter to me, but it does. It makes me wishy washy toward my friend. At times I feel like I am falling for him, at times I'm feeling uncomfortable. Most of the time though, I'm aware that if he were built just a little differently, I would have zero issues here. Maybe that is shallow.

[SilverLining]

By the way, everyone that has told me to let him go...we are traveling together. I am completely honest with him, he knows all of this already...although I have been much more tactful and less brutal with him. We are already sleeping together and being affectionate. I have told him all, he has told me all. He has the opportunity to tell to me f off if he wants. How else can I 'let him go'? It's not like I just don't return his calls. I am not stringing him along if he already knows the issue and it's his choice to continue.

[LittleTiger]

By the way, everyone that has told me to let him go...we are traveling together. I am completely honest with him, he knows all of this already...although I have been much more tactful and less brutal with him. We are already sleeping together and being affectionate. I have told him all, he has told me all. He has the opportunity to tell to me f off if he wants. How else can I 'let him go'? It's not like I just don't return his calls. I am not stringing him along if he already knows the issue and it's his choice to continue.

 

SilverLining, I don't think you're a bad person but what you're doing is very unfair to your friend. You are going to break his heart and I think you know that. You know that he is in love with you and you know that he wants a long term relationship. By continuing to sleep with him and being physically affectionate, and even telling him that you hope you'll feel differently one day, you are giving him hope where you know, deep down, that there is none.

 

It isn't up to him to tell you to f-off. It is up to you to take control because you are the one with the power. If he is prepared to put up with this situation then his self-esteem is low and he's taking whatever crumbs you throw for him. You are using him for sex while you are 'travelling' together and until someone you are really attracted to comes along.

 

Imagine this scenario the other way around. You are in love with him, he's not really attracted to you but he's having sex with you and telling you that he 'hopes' one day he'll feel differently - when you look at it this way, surely you see now how bad this relationship is for him?

 

You are stringing him along and giving him false hope - there's no other way of looking at it. While you may not be able to stop travelling together you can certainly put an end to the intimate contact - for his sake.

[SilverLining]

LittleTiger, I would COMPLETELY agree with you except that I'm not devoid of all attraction. I have some physical attraction to him, based mostly on personality, his romantic nature, and some little bit bodywise - after all, he IS a man. My issue is that it isn't ENOUGH and I don't want to hurt him by always wanting something more. I was hoping maybe someone out there has some experience or knows a friend who grew into more of an attraction to someone they didn't have that much attraction for.

 

Honestly, I really think that if he worked out a bit and bulked up some I wouldn't have any issue. I know that sounds bad, but really, is it any worse than saying that you would be more attracted to someone if they had lost weight? If I was a man considering a woman who I wasn't as attracted to because she was overweight, I don't think it would be a terrible thing to realize that unless she dropped the weight, it would be hard to initially have enough attraction to date her. If you are dating her or married and down the road she gains weight, you would hope that there would be enough love and appreciation to overlook it, or just not be as bothered by it. And if you are, that's the time to say, "Honey, I think you are beautiful but I have to admit that since you put on the weight, I'm feeling less attracted to you. I still love you and think you are an amazing person but I wanted to let you know how I am feeling because it might have some impact on our lives. I still completely accept you for who you are and if you don't want to do anything about it, that's ok, but if you do, I will do whatever you need to help you." At that point it's up to her to decide what to do. This is different, in my mind, than asking someone to change their personality or appearance in a way that it is unhealthy or might require surgery (like breast implants). My friend was already sort of working out before he even came to see me, so obviously he has some desire already to be more defined. I'm not suggesting he become a gym nut, but it would be nice for him to just be less scrawny.

 

I'm also hoping I can just 'get over it'.

[counterman]

Sometimes we get muddled up with our feelings and although it is his choice, knowing all the information, to continue with the way things are going... it doesn't mean it's the right choice. Whether he can help it or not, he's falling for you and the feeling will just get deeper. Sometimes if you really care about someone, you should let them go. By letting go, in this case, I mean telling him that you can't do this anymore and you need to stop seeing each other for a while, and that means NO contact. He, of course, would refuse but you have to be the one to say enough is enough. But since you're traveling together... I don't know, I would say call it off if you can.

 

If you want stories where someone who wasn't initially attracted to the other person grew more attracted, I would say there definitely are stories like that. Especially with a few of my friends, who had been friends for a while, didn't find each other attractive and then they started developing feelings and attraction. BUT, most of this happens because there is was no one else around and they feel secure being in a relationship. Some may say it's "settling". Your case, on the other hand, is a little different. It's clear you really want to make this work but I just don't see it happening in the meantime. If I was in his position, I would immediately break things off and date other girls, but if I were who I was a few years ago with my ex-girlfriend, I would've stayed and continued to get hurt. It was not healthy.

[SilverLining]

Ok, so updating...

 

I took some time to think about this, talked to my friend, and we decided to go day by day and see what happens. As time went on I did find myself becoming more and more attracted to him, based purely on his personality that attracted me and caused me to notice other things about him that I WAS attracted to. I was really encouraged by the increased attraction and agreed to try dating to see how it goes. And by try, I don't mean wishy-washy 'we can see for now', but a serious, 'let's see if we can make a relationship out of this'.

 

There are some few times when I think that I am not so attracted to him, and times when I notice more attractive guys...but these are becoming less frequent. All it takes is spending a little time with him and I feel extremely happy that I decided to go through with this. I am hoping that after a little while, these feelings disappear entirely.

 

So...is it enough? I don't know. But I figure that nothing is guaranteed in this world, people start relationships every day, and break up every day. My friend and I have a strong emotional connection, we see eye to eye on most everything, we have fun together and never stop talking and laughing. He's incredibly romantic, he's sweet and kind, and he is very affectionate and loving. So maybe he isn't my type...so what? I feel incredibly lucky to have his heart. I always did. I just want to deserve it. I want to give him the happiness that he has always given me. I will see how it goes. Thank you, everyone, for your advice!