jobaba Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 For instance, we are in Asia and he is not attracted to Asian women in any way at all. He also thinks women that are too skinny with no curves look gross. So he can't really come to me and say I should just 'get over it'. Yea. He's shallow too. Maybe you guys are good for each other after all. Put it this way. I have preferences. I'm not PARTICULARLY attracted to black women on a whole when compared to Asian, White or Latino girls. But I have seen so many cute black women, it's ridiculous, just talking about pure looks. And if I got to know one, she would be even that much more attractive. So, yes, I have the right to call you and your scrawny boyfriend shallow. And you have the right to tell me to shove it up my a@@...
OliveOyl Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Go for what you really need. A guy with the physique you posted in the picture would be too small for me too. I don't mind short... but very thin is not my thing. No judgement, just no attraction. My current BF is the biggest guy I've ever dated (over 220 lbs, 5'11") and I am surprised how that "protective" feeling makes me feel. I love it. I say, don't settle if you are having those feelings now after knowing him as well as you do. I doubt the physical/sexual attraction will grow over time. As one data point: while my ex was very good-looking when I married him, I was never terribly "attracted" to him on a visceral level. That NEVER changed throughout the 15+ years of marriage.
SteveC80 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I agree. I think women on average are way more shallow than men, and I'm not sure where the popular contrary idea came from... 'That men are visual creatures and women more mental, emotional with their connections.' As a guy who in his prime i guess i was considered very good looking i saw first hand how shallow women are and how much theyll let you get away with if you look hot enough I dont know how many married women or women with boyfirneds wanted to sleep with me just for my looks Hell there was a guy on here who posted a picture of his in shape body and you had women offering to meet him who didnt even know him just becsue of his looks There are no mroe vain and shallow creatures then women trust me
OliveOyl Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 People keep saying it's about the way someone looks, and that is one part but I think it's more about how being around that person "feels." Being in their presence... which is a very undefinable thing. I am very attracted to my BF and I would say his looks are "average." I'm not sure why wanting to be attracted is considered shallow, and I don't think it's under one's control. The main thing that IS under one's control is whether you will give someone else enough of a chance to see if there's anything there. But it sounds like the OP has definitely done this by now.
Leigh 87 Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 I do not think I deserve a pat on the back, for being willing to date " average" looking men....... My situation was: I had not had sex or dates for years, and the first guy I landed was a extremely attractive, male model/ body builder. After him, I assumed I would only be attracted to very attractive, muscly men. I met my boyfriend, and decided to keep seeing him, regardless of his appearance. I was not attracted to him at first. Now, I am glad that I changed my outlook on men; I am happy that I am open to dating a wide variety of men for my OWN sake; I do not think I deserve CREDIT for wanting to date average looking men. My only feeling on the matter, is that I feel HAPPY that I am not shut off to a whole lot of wonderful men out there, who I would otherwise have missed out on, had I remained SHALLOW. MY opinion: Neither the OP OR her guy friend, are shallow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So WHAT if he does not feel attracted towards Asian women! I do not feel s exually as attracted towards Asian or Black men. That is not to say I would not date one, if they were a great person who I enjoyed being around! HOwever, fro the most part, I am much more attracted, initially, to causasian white men.... NO ONE can HELP what they are NATURALLY attracted to! The OP cannot help that scrawny guys do not turn her on sexually! She was willing to giive this guy a chance, and she still could not become sexually attracted towards him IN SPITE of getting to know AND LOVE His personality! The OP gave this guy a chance! She was not physically attracted, so she gave it more of a chancde ( As did I with my guy), and in the end, she could not form a physical attraction. It is about trial and error. The OP was WILLING to TRY. SHEESH!
ScreamingTrees Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 Then, what more can be said? She obviously can't magically become attracted to him, so why even make this thread? Let him go and do everyone a favor, it's just not worth it for either of them.
jobaba Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 I do not feel sexually as attracted towards Asian or Black men. That is not to say I would not date one, if they were a great person who I enjoyed being around! HOwever, fro the most part, I am much more attracted, initially, to causasian white men.... NO ONE can HELP what they are NATURALLY attracted to! The OP cannot help that scrawny guys do not turn her on sexually! She was willing to giive this guy a chance, and she still could not become sexually attracted towards him IN SPITE of getting to know AND LOVE His personality! Preference is a lot different than complete exclusion. When you exclude a whole race of people and automatically say, I'm not attracted to them... Not only is it shallow, it's a little racist to be honest with you. Are you aware of how many Asians have facial features very similar to Caucasians? There's a bunch.
Leigh 87 Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 I am not bloody racist, thank you very much. I am simply more SEXUALLY drawn to white men. My boyfriend is the same. That is how to say I am not open to finding a wonderful black or Asian man. Of course, I am open to any type of race!. I simply am stating where my sexual attraction lies; white men are more attractive to me. However, I would still date an Asian, no problems, without questioning it at all. My boyfriend is more sexually drawn to white girls upon first glance, however, he has been with black women too. It is all to do with where we have come from/ upbrining/exposure. If the OP'S guy friend had grown up in a country with a lot of black or Asian women, for instance, if he was born and lived in Hong Kong; he would possibly be very attracted to Asian women. I HATE how people assume a person is RACIST, simple based on their sexual preference. It is a PREFERENCE; not the be all or end all. It is the people we are naturally MOST drawn to, upon FIRST glance; it does NOT mean we rule out other races at all!
jobaba Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 I am not bloody racist, thank you very much. I am simply more SEXUALLY drawn to white men. My boyfriend is the same. That is how to say I am not open to finding a wonderful black or Asian man. Of course, I am open to any type of race!. I simply am stating where my sexual attraction lies; white men are more attractive to me. However, I would still date an Asian, no problems, without questioning it at all. My boyfriend is more sexually drawn to white girls upon first glance, however, he has been with black women too. It is all to do with where we have come from/ upbrining/exposure. If the OP'S guy friend had grown up in a country with a lot of black or Asian women, for instance, if he was born and lived in Hong Kong; he would possibly be very attracted to Asian women. I HATE how people assume a person is RACIST, simple based on their sexual preference. It is a PREFERENCE; not the be all or end all. It is the people we are naturally MOST drawn to, upon FIRST glance; it does NOT mean we rule out other races at all! Maybe you should READ what people WRITE before you start screaming your opinions...
OnyxSnowfall Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 I am not bloody racist, thank you very much. I am simply more SEXUALLY drawn to white men. My boyfriend is the same. Your boyfriend is more sexually drawn to white men too? In any case, I'm of the minority who doesn't believe people can't help what they're attracted to --- at the same time, I don't think it's "racist" to, as far as awareness serves, not be sexually attracted to a race or multiple ones. jobaba is perhaps of one of the races you "exclude(d)"...
jobaba Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 Your boyfriend is more sexually drawn to white men too? In any case, I'm of the minority who doesn't believe people can't help what they're attracted to --- at the same time, I don't think it's "racist" to, as far as awareness serves, not be sexually attracted to a race or multiple ones. jobaba is perhaps of one of the races you "exclude(d)"... Racist might be a tad strong, but it's difficult for me to see how a person could not find an entire race of people attractive. Do you know how many beautiful people there are inside/out in an ENTIRE RACE of people. It's a little close minded ... or shallow. Anyway, there are lots of people from the Asian race, Indian, and Middle Eastern countries who have very Caucasian features. So, it's such a blanket statement even in a pure shallow sense.
USMCHokie Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 I don't think it's "racist" to, as far as awareness serves, not be sexually attracted to a race or multiple ones. jobaba is perhaps of one of the races you "exclude(d)"... I agree, it's not necessarily racist to not be attracted to a certain race...though I believe it should be reworded to say that one is not attracted to the general physical features exhibited by those of a particular race...not necessarily the culture or values of that race. It's no different from any other physical characteristic like height or weight.
jobaba Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 Man... I just find it crazy how so many people have so many restrictions on what they will date. I'm really not trying to judge anyone, I really don't care. Personally, it's so hard to meet a cool, compatible woman, if she were freakin green, I'd date her. But, it's always the same thing when I bring this spiel... People are attracted to what they are attracted to and it's natural and you can't change it no matter how hard you try. So be it...
Leigh 87 Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 I am less sexually attracted to non - white men, however; that is upon the initial meeting. ONce I get to know a man, I would become very attracted to ANy race, very fast, if they are a great guy for me. Like the OP, I am not as sexually drawn to little guys who are skinny. I had an Eating disorder for many years, and I feel more comfortable when a guy is a fair amount heavier than I am. I have always prefered the look of a bigger guy; i accosiate big with manly, protection, strength, etc.... Of course, I would date a skinny guy if I developed feelings towards him though! The trouble with the OP is: she cannot develop feelings fro sxrawny guys, no matter how awsome they are as people. She has tried. She is nto close minded. She even tried seeing if she WOULD be able to overcome her aversion to this guy's appearance. Sometimes people cannot be attracted to certain guys, based on their physical presence. Even if they are open to anyone! This girl tried, but cannot HELP that she didn't grow attracted!
A O Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 Do you guys think that there is a chance that I could develop a strong enough emotional connection that I could actually be more physically attracted to him? No....and it'll only take the attention of a physically attractive man, towards you, for you to realize this. .
jobaba Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 I am less sexually attracted to non - white men, however; that is upon the initial meeting. ONce I get to know a man, I would become very attracted to ANy race, very fast, if they are a great guy for me. Like the OP, I am not as sexually drawn to little guys who are skinny. I had an Eating disorder for many years, and I feel more comfortable when a guy is a fair amount heavier than I am. I have always prefered the look of a bigger guy; i accosiate big with manly, protection, strength, etc.... Of course, I would date a skinny guy if I developed feelings towards him though! The trouble with the OP is: she cannot develop feelings fro sxrawny guys, no matter how awsome they are as people. She has tried. She is nto close minded. She even tried seeing if she WOULD be able to overcome her aversion to this guy's appearance. Sometimes people cannot be attracted to certain guys, based on their physical presence. Even if they are open to anyone! This girl tried, but cannot HELP that she didn't grow attracted! That's fair. I'm pretty glad this thread came up actually. It's going to change my approach. I do realize it's just near impossible for some women to be attracted to 'certain' guys. I've just been kind of denying it. From now on, I'm just going to express interest early and ask, "Hey. Would you date _____ guys? Are you attracted to ______ guys?" If the answer is no, I'll just move on instead of trying to get honey out of a milk cow.
Wolf18 Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 Haha, I don't get get where women get the idea that a male model can protect them. I don't know when the pop culture moguls snuck in the idea that men who make a living off being shirtless or have long flowing barbie hair are manly. Fabio from the romance covers looks like a prissy and vain wuss, I can totally picture my old crazy friend jeremy who was like 5'2 and 125 lbs pummeling his pretty face until he looks like dan akroyd.
Leigh 87 Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 Here's an idea: would waiting one or two weeks, before deciding iff physical attraction is even possible, a good suggestion? I think that if, like me, a person meets someone who they are NOT initially attracted to, physically speaking.... that perhaps rather than shrugg it off right away, like many people do; giving it a week or two could prove the person WRONG! I am suggesting this, for people who do not yet know their date well. In the OP'S case, she already KNEW the guy fairly well, and LOVED his personality; and yet she STILL had not developed an attraction, physically speaking. Where as I did not KNOW the guy I am currently seeing, when we first met; I had a good feeling when we talked, however, I was NOT physically attracted to him at first. The OP more or less knew attraction would never grow, seeing as she knew the guy's character. However, others who are not initially attracted to their date, who do not KNOW them well, could benifit with waiting around for a week or two, to see if the personality of the person makes a physical attraction occur. I only urge people to give things a go, in terms of physical attraction and letting it develop, because until u get to know someone, u never know how you may end up feeling!
danmorisson Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 Answer: No! There always needs to be at least some form of physical attraction in order to kick-start things. As for the "but what if he/he got into accident where he/she was left disfigured?'.... It's a psychological thing, he/she has an image of him/her before the accident imprinted in their minds
LittleTiger Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 In any case, I'm of the minority who doesn't believe people can't help what they're attracted to ... This is a very interesting thing to say Onyx. If you don't believe that people can't help what they're attracted to, then how does 'attraction' work in your mind? Are you somehow able to magically make yourself sexually attracted to someone? If so, please tell us all how? If everyone could learn to do this the world would be a much happier place. No unrequited love for a start! From my own perspective, I don't see how this is possible. I have met outstandingly good looking men who were really great people and felt absolutely no sexual desire for them whatsoever - sad but true. I have also felt very strong sexual desire for men who might be considered ugly and not even particularly nice people - again, sad (and unexplainable!) but true. I have a very wonderful male friend who (my fiance notwithstanding) I would consider marrying tomorrow if we could create some sexual attraction between us - it will never happen - because he is gay! So please, spill the beans on your theory because I am genuinely interested in how you think it's possible to create a sexual attraction that doesn't exist - I might even write a book on it and get very, very rich!!!
DepressedinDenver Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 Onyx has said that she would not and cannot date short guys so obviously her theory is already wrong.
OnyxSnowfall Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 (edited) Onyx has said that she would not and cannot date short guys so obviously her theory is already wrong. Lol, I stated I did date short men and was not able to be sexually attracted to the ones I dated. I also later conceded I think it's psychological --- and can be changed. It's definitely one of the things that has led into my recent fixation and studies of "attraction". LittleTiger - I don't believe humans have a biological prodigy within them that is the cause of their sexual attraction(s!) nor that the explanation is to seek out ideal reproductive genes. ---- it doesn't explain pedophilia, incest, homosexuality, nor bestiality..... among much else... (like people being able to be so easily deceived by others altering their appearance, without changing their "health status", per se.... sometimes even weakening it in order to *appear* more beautiful). I think people are innately attracted to things even before they reach puberty ----- attraction is a force all of its own. But while I think biology is behind attraction and or repulsion, I tend to think that what determines those attractions or repulsions is more likely influenced by the conditioning a person undergoes and the experiences they have through-out their life-span. And because those conditions can change, and because people accumulate experiences until they pass (even if they've gone mad), "attractions" can change as well. Or why "anomalies" to someone can exist --- I've known a number of people who haven't been attracted to certain races and end up marrying said person of that race years later (and a number of homosexual people turning "straight", or straight people turning "gay"... never mind bisexuals too). I also think a person's thought process has a lot of power over what they're drawn to or not, as well. Perception is often more powerful than the truth. The truth can exist simultaneously with a perception, but it seems that perception often overrides it. People tend to associate all kinds of physical features (or even personality traits) with places in their *mind* that they're not even fully aware of. I think attractions *can be explained*, or vice versa, and that there are a lot of unfounded beliefs / misconceptions inside of people. Now as for a "solution" or a "method" that can work for multiple people mm, that's still developing lol. Edited November 8, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall
Wolf18 Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 (edited) Not to mention the fact that she's probably pretty young and already has a couple of kids. You think the frat boys that "do it" for women at first glance are going to have the heart to deal with that? There is some truth to what she is saying. A lot of things people will discard someone over are sheer neuroticism and women in particular need to start loosening up their insane criterias before they're over the hill and we both lose. If you can't "help" but be only attracted to male models, that's not a tragic genetic issue you have no power over, that is your own vanity and arrogance. So yes , women can help what they are attracted to within reason (IE unless you're a male under 5'8 ewww gross please just kill yourself ) Edited November 8, 2011 by Wolf18
OnyxSnowfall Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 (edited) Not to mention the fact that she's probably pretty young and already has a couple of kids. You think the frat boys that "do it" for women at first glance are going to have the heart to deal with that? There is some truth to what she is saying. A lot of things people will discard someone over are sheer neuroticism and women in particular need to start loosening up their insane criterias before they're over the hill and we both lose. If you can't "help" but be only attracted to male models, that's not a tragic genetic issue you have no power over, that is your own vanity and arrogance. So yes , women can help what they are attracted to within reason (IE unless you're a male under 5'8 ewww gross please just kill yourself ) I think even me being more attracted to less symmetrical people is psychological. I personally associate "male model" with someone who is likely vain, lacks the values I do, and who is probably a simpleton -- I have only one experience that supports this, however, I have many that support it with "symmetrical men" and or muscle-bound ones in general, at least the ones that I dated or had the "pleasure" of working with while I was still employed in the system ....... I've observed elsewhere too, but that's not concrete enough IMO. I have some belief that people who weren't "handed ****" for just looking good have more character and or substance within them. But all of that could be wrong too The father of my children is "symmetrical" --- and our relationship was abusive, so I probably associate more **** with that there too. I do recall being initially attracted to him, and it (like woggle said) was just not all it was cracked out to be ----- that was when I was 16 though. Heh. I'm just saying, in the end, looks are trivial and the emphasis on them seems to do more harm to people than good. Attraction, even beyond looks though, is something I think that can be changed......... Edited November 8, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall
dasein Posted November 8, 2011 Posted November 8, 2011 Haha, I don't get get where women get the idea that a male model can protect them. I don't know when the pop culture moguls snuck in the idea that men who make a living off being shirtless or have long flowing barbie hair are manly. Fabio from the romance covers looks like a prissy and vain wuss, I can totally picture my old crazy friend jeremy who was like 5'2 and 125 lbs pummeling his pretty face until he looks like dan akroyd. I told you the answer in another thread, it's vanity. "Protected and safe" means "fills out clothes well, accentuates MY look well (heels, etc.) and other women respect me when they see us together." It really is that, not safety or protection. They will never ever admit this unless you catch them off guard. It's like the vain frat boy stereotype from movies "do you think she will look good with my car?" Same... exact... thing. Have had female friends admit it when drunk and not having to twist their arms either. Tall guys are like the "secret handshake" of vanity and competition among women. Go in their bathrooms and look at the ultra magnified mirrors they examine every single pore on their face with, so obvious.
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