USMCHokie Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 To answer your question simply, NO. In my opinion, looks get you in the door, and personality keeps you in the house. No matter how good a personality he has, you will always rationalize about how you can't let him in the house due to his looks. It will always be on your mind. And you'll always have that "out" hanging over his head...totally not fair for him that you're using him like that...and yes, I would totally say that you're using him for attention until the next guy comes along that actually lights the fire in your loins...
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Attraction can grow. My current bf was "maybe" to me in the physical sense at the start (and I strongly suspect I was the same for him). We are such a good match emotionally and intellectually that we fell deeply in love and are now living together, 9 months later. I do feel butterflies around him now and want to melt when he touches me If he is a "No way" physically, then I would not proceed.
Wolf18 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Wolf18: I don't know about her definition of geek, but as a woman who is attracted to geeks herself, I would define a geek as someone with keen intellectual passion and a wealth of encyclopedic knowledge. You, for one, clearly aren't a geek.[/Quote] I love these little passive aggressive jabs at me . I probably have more knowledge in the dirt on my boots than you will ever in your brain. You disliking my opinions will not change that, nor will taking a class at the library. I'm certainly not a "geek", but knowledge is my passion. When I think of a geek, I think of some self-pidgeon holed caricature of a guy who dedicates his life to getting A's in school instead of gaining actual wisdom in life. Honestly, I think the average party animal college kid who gets C's knows more about life than the stereotypical "geek" . Having booksmarts and an analytical mind are both great things, but being an unbalanced nerd is just as bad as being the varsity quarterback stereotype.
Leigh 87 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I was not physically attracted to my boyfriend at first. We talked online, felt a weird connection even though is is not much of a internet buff ( seldom used it to chat), and met. I was not attracted much to his pictures, and upon first meeting, was not attracted much to his appearance. Fast forward months down the track, I think he is the sexiest guy out there for me. Getting to know this guy, and like his perosnality and character, has made him INSANLEY attractive to me! Actually, I realized he was quiet an attractive guy, only months after I ment him though.... The point is; I became attracted to a guy who i was not initially attracted to, (physically).
LittleTiger Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Fast forward months down the track, I think he is the sexiest guy out there for me. Getting to know this guy, and like his perosnality and character, has made him INSANLEY attractive to me! This is a common occurance - however, the OP has known this guy for a long time, she already likes his personality and character - a lot - and yet she still isn't attracted to him. It's a lost cause!
Author SilverLining Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 Wow, there have been so many responses...let me clarify a few things for everyone. I think a lot of people missed the part (or maybe I didn't put it down in the spirit of keeping things short) but my friend and I had a 2 week fling, 6 years ago. I TRIED to date him. At the time, he had never been with a woman before, he was the stereotypical 'nice guy with a chip on his shoulder' and most of his issues were the result of his attitude. Although I didn't feel much attraction to him, at the time I was vulnerable and I needed comfort. I felt something for him, I couldn't really have involvement with someone I felt nothing for. It just wasn't ENOUGH, as I realized when I got some distance. I tried to tell him this, he became very upset (understandably!) and our friendship ended for a few years. Later on we started talking again, he realized he didn't treat me well in some ways because he was angry, I realized I had been using him in some ways for comfort. We both moved on. Then he goes to travel southeast asia for 5 months, solo, stopping to visit me in the middle east, where I was working. My job was AWFUL, I literally could do nothing but come home and cry, sleep, or sit around in a state of shock. After a lot of thought, and a lot of support from my coworkers, I decided to leave, and my friend and I decided to travel southeast asia for a bit. We are around each other 24/7. We have always been emotionally compatible, which is why we made such good friends. 6 years ago, I was turned off by aspects of his personality that are not there now, so that's no longer an issue. What remains is the physical issue. When it comes to me and scrawny men, I tend to not find them attractive. I like bigger men because I want to feel protected. That seems to be quite common with women, but it's exacerbated for me because I have had an abusive childhood AND abusive relationships. I don't feel protected with scrawny guys. Also, I like a guy that can take charge, because while in normal life I am outgoing and independent, I love to let the man take charge in a lot of ways. He is actually better about this, whereas before I was ALWAYS in the lead. I HAVE slept with my friend, I do kiss him. I am an extremely sexual person and we decided it would be ok as consenting adults to sleep together, provided things didn't get too messy. This was determined BEFORE I knew he still had feelings for me. I have found that he is incredibly sensual and an amazing kisser, he touches me a lot and is very complimentary. Compared to my last couple boyfriends who were attractive but never complimented me or were very affectionate, it's amazing. I appreciate my friend, I think he's wonderful. I want to hit MYSELF every time I think that I would date him and never let him go if he were only more attractive to me. Now I know that he is falling in love with me again and I'm not sure what to do. I am decently attractive. I am social, have many friends, almost never single and when I am I always get asked out. I have a good body and big boobs and an hourglass figure so when people see me, and then they see my friend, people assume we are only friends and guys ask me out in front of him. I have dated models, I have dated guys who were thought to not be that attractive. I have dated men who have lost their hair and dated men who became seriously obese and I always loved them and never dumped them. I don't go for the hottest guys, I tend to not be attracted to guys that seem arrogant or players. I like the quiet, safe guy with average looks. I wouldn't say my friend repulses me. I am getting somewhat used to it. But I don't want to be with someone I need to get used to and I think he deserves better than that. I don't want to tell him I will like him better if he works out, although that's true. I think he deserves the best. I also think I deserve someone I am really attracted to as well. I have told him that we should just take this day by day and not put any labels on anything. He knows how I feel, he knows my preferences, and he knows I do care about him. I will keep an open mind. But I do seriously worry about what happens if someone comes along that I am more attracted to. It isn't JUST that he's skinny, he's also very short too. I feel like I'm with someone who has the body of a middle schooler and it's weird for me. If my friend had, let's say...worked out before I met him enough that I felt like I was with someone more manly, this wouldn't be an issue. And if later on he gained weight, lost his muscle tone, whathaveyou...then likely I would not lose my feelings, having initially fallen deeply in love. That's just how I am.
Author SilverLining Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 I love this. Ok. I'm an attractive woman and I have no problem getting dates. I already said I have dated attractive guys, unattractive guys, smooth guys, geeky guys, bald guys, fat guys. Come on. Most attractive girls wouldn't bother. Most guys in general wouldn't bother - I don't know HOW many times I've had male friends of every type pass on a girl because she didn't look like a model. But because I am not interested in scrawny guys I'm totally shallow and horrible? Please. We are all allowed our boundaries on what we find attractive or not. Just because someone is interested doesn't mean we HAVE to date them or even should. Everyone has preferences. And yes, he DOES know about the situation. I would completely understand him blowing me off knowing this, but he doesn't because he himself has blown other girls off that he wasn't attracted to and he gets it. For instance, we are in Asia and he is not attracted to Asian women in any way at all. He also thinks women that are too skinny with no curves look gross. So he can't really come to me and say I should just 'get over it'.
Wolf18 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 What a sad story Silver Lining, my heart really goes out to this guy, I've been in his shoes quite a few times lately. I'm not that scrawny, I have a decent amount of muscle and am very strong, but in the eyes of most women I probably am too skinny. I'm also not very tall, a few inches under the average american height. I've known girls like you who love my mind and personality but just will never accept that I'm not tall or super muscular/husky. You can't help what you feel, blame your biology. However who you shouldn't blame is the guy himself. You made an attack on his "attitude', just like all the girls do here with me, yet later on in that long paragraph write that if you were attracted to him you would never want to let him go Contrary to what women believe, some "scrawny" guys are ultra masculine and can fight with the best of them. Do you think Manny Pacqiao (whatever his name is) would lose in a fight to whatever overweight baseball cap wearing imbecile you think can protect you? In various scenarios when out drinking I've squared off with considerably bigger guys and beaten them down right before their girlfriends eyes (my old man used to box and taught me a lot). If I was an aggressor or criminal, I would've been able to take his girlfriend with me with ease Not to mention great equalizers for those scrawny guys who don't know how to fight: guns/knives/brass knuckles, etc. Size can't hurt, this is true, but it's not the be all end all in a violent confrontation. In the end the most powerful asset a man has in this situation is a big pair of nads and no fear of death, and this is totally independant of what makes the typical woman feel horny at first glance. If you're willing to throw in the garbage a possible one in a lifetime guy because your heart is fickle, that's your problem. But don't come here and blame his "Attitude" or claim that guys who aren't roided up or 6 feet tall can't protect you, because that's not true and not fair. At the end of the day, yes, you are shallow, painfully so, but it's not weird. Most women in your boat would do the same exact thing, even if they make up reasons to sound politically correct.
Wolf18 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I'm not telling you by the way to do this guy any charity but you definitely could be more empathetic. How would you feel if you felt a very rare mental and spiritual connection with a man you got to know and befriend, only to know your looks are not good enough for him? Considering the fact that you're never single and always get hit on , I doubt it will ever happen to you (well, atleast not until you hit the big 4-0 ). Chances are if this guy looks how you describe, he's probably got no other girls in his life to make things worse. Don't be so cold and callous and try to blame him for not looking like your superficial and naive idea of masculinity.
Author SilverLining Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 First of all, I'm not bagging on his attitude NOW. It sucked 6 years ago and he would be the first to admit it. NOW, he's fine. Second, I don't need a guy with huge muscles or to be really tall. Manny whatshisname looks fine to me. Check this guy out. http://www.sodahead.com/fun/so-what-would-you-rather-date-a-skinny-man-or-a-man-who-has-large-muscles/question-1760061/?link=ibaf&q=&imgurl=http://images.sodahead.com/polls/001760061/399984932_skinny_guy_answer_1_xlarge.jpeg THAT is closer to his physique, the guy in the pic is a tad thinner but not by much. I PREFER shorter guys to taller guys. I don't need huge muscles. Just an average guy is fine to me. I find most guys who are classified as 'geeky' to be hot. This is a different situation. Don't let your personal angst cloud your mind to the facts here. I do not 'blame him' for how he looks. I already said, the attitude was something else, and that's been resolved.
Leigh 87 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I thought I was only attracted to super muscly guys at first - then feel really in love with my boyfriend, who is not the type I thought I would be attracted to. However, Tiger is right - you already know him well, and if the attraction has not developed to the stage where u are comfortable with his appearance and body, it will never be right to date him. Let him go ASAP, and find someone you are attracted to enough to date. I am also like you - I am moderately attractive, nice body, big boobs..... Yet I feel much happier with a more average looking man, above a super good looking guy; I would have fun with a very good looking man, but would not want to be in a long term relationship with them. They have too many options to me. My boy is attractive, but not the type who can go get models at the drop of a hat; however, he does get very attractive girls still. I also prefer a more average looking guy, personally. I feel better when they win me over based on their personality, and their looks are such that it was not their looks ALONE that made me fall for them, or fall for the NOTION of landing a " hottie". Unlike the people who have been rude to you, I think you are being very mature and level headed, by coming on here and talking things through with people. It is great u want other peoples perspectives. You do NOT come across as shallow! You cannot help who you are attracted to, enough so to be in a sexual relationship with. However, you DID string this guy along too much ( although I am sure it was not indended). Let him go now, apologize for leading him on, explain that u wanted things to work out, however, you have thought it through and are sorry for wasting his time. You would have liked to have known for sure your feelingsw earlier on, before hurting him after he fell for you.
Leigh 87 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I aint lying. I wasn't attracted to my guy, physically, at first. PHysical attraction developed over months. Literally - I did not become ohysically attracted for a good two months. I am not saying this is always the case: sometimes physically attracted never developes. However, you have nothing to lose by giving things a go. Upon first meeting, I urge people to give it time to develop. If you already know the guy well, it will likely never develop, if you already love their character. I did not know my boyfriend at all, and as I got to kjnow him, I went from VERY LITTLE attraction, physically speaking, to full on finding him to be the sexiest guy int he world to me. I was shallow; I only thought muscly guys were attractive, in a sexual relationship. Luckily for me, I kept s eeing this guy, and he turned out to be a great love to me and I find him very sexy now.
dasein Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I don't think it's shallow to feel as OP does, she is obviously trying to make something work or at least give it a chance, Shallow people wouldn't even give it a second thought, they would get some sympathtetic and biased advice from "yes friends," if even, and that would be that. Now someone in OP's shoes who was asked what they wanted in a mate and then gave a list of "inner beauty" type criteria and crowed on and on about how looks don't matter in an effort to make themselves look good to others or feel good about themselves, as many women do, is a different can of worms, and THAT kind of inconsistent attitude is what pisses men off. OP hasn't done that, so IMO the ire directed at her is misplaced.
counterman Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Good on you for giving it a go but if you're not feeling it, then there's not much you can do, IMO. The way you have described him physically, I can see no way you'll look past that. I have rejected girls because I wasn't attracted, and that was basically on the first date. They were good girls too but I wasn't willing to put in the effort and they deserve better than a half-hearted effort on my part. I'm almost certain girls have rejected me because they weren't physically attracted too. I'll just let him go, he does deserve better. I've been in a relationship where I thought the girl was on the same page and it turned out she wasn't all along... she lead me on, and wasn't that physically attracted to me. It was painful. Just let him go... and if he ever meets a nice girl who does fully appreciate him and finds him physically attracted, be supportive of it. I've seen many girls who only realised what they had when they lost it, often then it's too late. Some cause trouble too.
blueskyday Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I get what you are saying. Nothing amps up physical attraction to a guy more than a few orgasms! Have you guys had sex lately? Also, you can try to focus on the things you love about his body. Maybe he has great eyes. Is he agile because of his smaller size? You know, just a thought here, but it could be that he's small but not athletic? I like all body types, but I enjoy the guys who can hike with me. A skinny guy who spends all his time indoors would not be exciting to me because of the inactivity, not because he's skinny....although, I could think it's his body type. See? Also, you might always prefer larger body types because of your history of abuse with men who have a "scrawny" type of body. What do you think about trying to change your association of those types of guys with abusers and thus rejected as potential suitors? The only way to do that is to tell your brain that he is "safe," which he is. Maybe attraction can grow from there. At least it will help guys start off at zero, instead of at a negative number. I think everyone has a range of what they find physically attractive. Nothing wrong with that. Many guys who have dated me have told me they were initially attracted to my physical type, which is petite, slender but curvy. It seems they always like girls within that "type." But I would worry if that was the only kind of woman they could ever date. My dating life changed for the better when I began to see the very soul and heart of the man in front of me. That can make a man very attractive. Ever been in love, and your attraction towards your mate grows and grows to the point he is the sexiest guy in the world? It's the same principle. You get closer, you have great interactions with the guy, you have orgasms, he holds a baby tenderly and you realize he treats you like that....BOOM! You want to have sex with him. Or, in your case, all that happens, and you still don't want to have sex with him...and that's when you cut him loose so another woman can love him.
TuffCookieX Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Hi SilverLining I haven't been on this forum in quite some time, but I am currently debating pros and cons with a guy I am considering dating - I have to come to terms with his slender build. In my past I have dated fitness models and men who are lean yet quite muscular (I also love that protective feeling). I came on here expecting to write a new thread about this but yours came up on current topics and I was so happy to come across and read it. My guy and I have little in common but similar views and the more I talk to him, the stronger my attraction grows. I am not sure if it will get to the point where I will "want to rip his clothes off and ravage him" like someone stated in a post, but we will see. A lot of my friends tell me I go for "too hot of guys" which is why I always get my heart broken, and that I should find a man with less looks and let me get emotionally attracted. I wasn't really sure if it was possible, I have only ever salivated over my magazine cover model men and never glanced twice at an average joe but after being hurt over and over I'm thinking that there could be a way to view my new guy in a new light and one day not ever think about going back to my old "shallow" habits. And maybe we can persuade these guys to have a protein shake every now and then. It helps!
AD1980 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Just out of curiosity op about how tall and how much does he weigh?
LittleTiger Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Just out of curiosity op about how tall and how much does he weigh? How is that relevant to this discussion? She's not attracted to him - she should let him go find someone who is!
Wolf18 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I aint lying. I wasn't attracted to my guy, physically, at first. PHysical attraction developed over months. Literally - I did not become ohysically attracted for a good two months. I am not saying this is always the case: sometimes physically attracted never developes. However, you have nothing to lose by giving things a go. Upon first meeting, I urge people to give it time to develop. If you already know the guy well, it will likely never develop, if you already love their character. I did not know my boyfriend at all, and as I got to kjnow him, I went from VERY LITTLE attraction, physically speaking, to full on finding him to be the sexiest guy int he world to me. I was shallow; I only thought muscly guys were attractive, in a sexual relationship. Luckily for me, I kept s eeing this guy, and he turned out to be a great love to me and I find him very sexy now. It's good that you got over your hang ups but does anyone else find it funny how all these women willing to date a guy that doesn't look exactly like a Venice Beach body builder like to feel special and pat themelves on the back? most men must be unattractive to women.
AD1980 Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 How is that relevant to this discussion? She's not attracted to him - she should let him go find someone who is! Im just wondering that's all its not a big deal ,mind your own buisness dont worry what i ask her
PJKino Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 It's good that you got over your hang ups but does anyone else find it funny how all these women willing to date a guy that doesn't look exactly like a Venice Beach body builder like to feel special and pat themelves on the back? most men must be unattractive to women. It does seem like some women want to be given credit for not dating just 10's:laugh: I just find it funny how we always hear it and even women on here try to tell you how Men are more shallow and visual when weve had posts here to the extreme contrary to where women are the ones who need to feel amazing lust to maintain a relationship and if not it wont work.. The whole women arent shallow or visual thing has bene debunked throghout time..The ad and marketing campaigns are built around women being super visual.. Women have voted for and got presidents elected because they were good looking[Kennedy]..they buy music sometimes because the guy or band is attractive.. If anything history has shown us women are much more effected in every way by good looks and pretty and shiny things then Men..
jobaba Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 It does seem like some women want to be given credit for not dating just 10's:laugh: I just find it funny how we always hear it and even women on here try to tell you how Men are more shallow and visual when weve had posts here to the extreme contrary to where women are the ones who need to feel amazing lust to maintain a relationship and if not it wont work.. The whole women arent shallow or visual thing has bene debunked throghout time..The ad and marketing campaigns are built around women being super visual.. Women have voted for and got presidents elected because they were good looking[Kennedy]..they buy music sometimes because the guy or band is attractive.. If anything history has shown us women are much more effected in every way by good looks and pretty and shiny things then Men.. I agree. I think women on average are way more shallow than men, and I'm not sure where the popular contrary idea came from... 'That men are visual creatures and women more mental, emotional with their connections.'
LittleTiger Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Im just wondering that's all its not a big deal ,mind your own buisness dont worry what i ask her I'm just wondering what your motives are for asking the question if it's not a big deal! If she tells you he's 5ft 6in and weighs 120lbs what will your response be? That he's not too thin or too short and she shouldn't be so shallow? Or are you just wanting to guage this guy in comparison with yourself - which serves no purpose whatsoever. She's not attracted to the guy, that's all we need to know.
ScreamingTrees Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 And maybe we can persuade these guys to have a protein shake every now and then. It helps! OK, for the most part, I USUALLY side with the females in a lot of conversations, but.. seriously? That's like a guy persuading a girl to hit the treadmill or drop a few pounds. Sure, it HELPS them should THEY personally want to do it for THEM, but it's not cool when someone tries to change a person to fit their personal image of attractive. If they're not attractive, don't even THINK about subtly trying to gradually manipulate them into your personal sex toy. You obviously don't genuinely like them for who they are - maybe as a friend, but not as a lover. If a girl EVER EVER EVER tried to say something like that to me, her ass would be out on the pavement never to be heard from again as I know what sort of person she truly is. You can't hide that sort of stuff forever.
westrock Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 OP, what is it that you want to happen? Are you looking for reasons not to date him? If so, you have that from posters above. Are you looking for reasons to make it work? If so, you also have that from posters above. If this guy were 20 lbs heavier, how would that really change things? Theoretically a more muscular guy can "protect" you better, but a guy who shows you emotional support can protect you far better. In the grand scheme of things, on a day to day basis, he would still be the same guy. From what you've written it sounds like you are conflicted between your intellectual understanding and your past emotional experiences. By posting your initial question, it seems intellectually you want this to work, but emotionally you're struggling because of your past emotional experiences. If you want to resolve that conflict, it's resolving your past emotional experiences of abuse that you need to focus on. Did you ever receive any therapy or counselling to assist you? If not, until you resolve your past emotional experiences of abuse, you will always have conflicting issues like this come up.
Recommended Posts