Dating without enough physical attraction...can it be done?

[westrock]

He also knows I've always been turned off by scrawny guys. Part of this is deeply rooted for me - my father was abusive and he was scrawny. I have this very deep need to feel protected and safe as well, and guys of this body type definitely don't make me feel that way.

 

Have you ever received counselling for what happened in your past? It seems you have some unresolved feelings from the abuse from your father and now the idea of being with somone who is "scrawny" is triggering those unresolved negative emotional feelings from your past and that is turning you off physically from this guy.

 

What is it about the "scrawny" part that turns you off?

 

Is it that you equate someone who is "scrawny" = "abusive" (like your father) or that "scrawny" triggers unpleasant feelings of the past abuse from your father?

 

Or is it that you want someone strong and big (ie. opposite of scrawny) who can protect you from an abusive person?

[LittleTiger]

Imagine you were dating a really hot guy, and he got into a bad car accident and his face was disfigured. Or that the same guy put on 30 pounds and became overweight.

 

Would you dump him in either case?

 

Do you think people in their 60s and 70s stay together because they can't wait to jump in the sack everyday with their SOs.

 

Life creates different people based on their backgrounds and I would absolutely date someone I had physical attraction to (though I have never had to).

 

You can't generalize about everybody based on what you and the majority think.

 

This is a nonsensical response to the thread.

 

Physical attraction is not about somebody being 'hot', it's a complex phenomenon involving a lot more than finding the best looking partner you can. As you said yourself it is a 'cumulative result of your background influencing your brain and emotions' - amongst other things - but, unlike you seem to believe, we don't have any control over it.

 

People are attracted to what they're attracted to and when you meet someone who you are strongly drawn towards that attraction rarely fades - regardless of physical changes, age etc, especially once the initial attraction turns into long term love.

 

Once 'real love' exists then ageing, facial disfigurement or changes in weight will not break the bond, but the life-bond cannot be created if there is no physical attraction there in the first place.

[carhill]

While physical attraction is certainly unique and situational, I'll point to this quote from the OP:

 

"He also knows I've always been turned off by scrawny guys."

 

So, irrespective of any other aspect of their physicality or humanity, the OP is 'turned off' by 'scrawny guys', which includes a substantial subset of the population, including Angus Young, not that he cares. Those men aren't uniquely human, they're 'scrawny'.

 

I think that is a central issue to work. I faced a substantially similar 'estrogen blocker' when experiencing the vast majority of women who found a male who was/is bald to be physically unattractive. My issue wasn't that they found me in particular to be unattractive but rather that they ascribed negative/indifferent aspects across an entire subset of the human population for nothing other than lack of scalp hair follicles.

 

The same mirror would apply to men who pick one female physical attribute and dismiss an entire subset of the population based on nothing other than that singular physical attribute. Obviously, both men and women are entitled to do whatever they please within the realm of the law and conscience, but casting a mirror on such broadly scoped and disconnected aspects of humanity is one part of human growth, IMO.

 

Would the OP drop her panties for Angus Young or would 'scrawny' rule her? Unknown. OP?

[somedude81]

sumdude81 - if you feel bitter or angry because women are not physically attracted to you that is your issue not women's. Imagine a woman you know that you would never want to have sex with - no matter how lovely a person she was - and then answer the OP again.

 

Please do not say that you are physically attracted to every woman you know and get along with because that will either make you a liar or desperate - of course, in either case, it would explain your difficulty in attracting women.

 

If you really would be happy to have sex with every single woman you've ever met, you could also try imagining having sex with one of your best male friends (assuming you find men sexually unattractive). How does that feel? It's really no different from what the OP is saying - no sexual attraction, no hope of a relationship.

 

Then imagine being in a LTR with a woman who really liked you as a friend but was turned off, or even physically repulsed, by you touching her. Who cares that she doesn't want to rip your clothes off you and ravage you? - you do - big time!!! Especially a few years down the line when she can no longer bring herself to 'pretend' that she wants you and you find yourself 'stuck' in a sexless relationship, or even worse, marriage.

 

Sexual attraction in a LTR is essential - get used to it sumdude because it isn't going to change any time soon!

 

I'm going to quote a part of SilverLining's post.

 

It isn't that he isn't attractive - he has a decent face. It's more along the lines that he's short with a small build, and is quite honestly, pretty scrawny.

Does it sound like somebody she is repulsed by? That she is attracted as much to him as woman?

 

If so, I'm not seeing it.

 

Don't you think your examples are a little extreme?

 

The female equivalent of a guy with a decent face but is short and a little scrawny is a girl with a decent face who might be a little chubby.

 

Would I date a cute girl who is a little overweight but is a very lovely person. OF COURSE I WOULD!!!!

 

Can you imagine a guy posting here that a woman who sounds really great and likes him, wants to date him but because she is 20 lbs overweight, he's not attracted to her at all, even though he thinks she's cute.

 

He would get absolutely torn up.

[westrock]

Physical attraction is not about somebody being 'hot', it's a complex phenomenon involving a lot more than finding the best looking partner you can. As you said yourself it is a 'cumulative result of your background influencing your brain and emotions' - amongst other things - but, unlike you seem to believe, we don't have any control over it.

 

We have more control than we give ourselves credit. We can change over time if we let ourselves. The key is to change our interpretation of that background that has influenced our brain and emotions from our past. We also can change what we let influence us by re-evaluatiing what we consider important.

 

Some aspects are deep rooted, but that doesn't mean we don't have control over it. Our intellectual brain is not totally separated from our emotional side and is able to adjust its interpretation of our emotions.

 

People are attracted to what they're attracted to and when you meet someone who you are strongly drawn towards that attraction rarely fades - regardless of physical changes, age etc, especially once the initial attraction turns into long term love.

 

How does that explain the stories we hear about people who were totally attracted and in love then years later claim they are no longer attracted and want a breakup/divorce?

[LittleTiger]

I'm going to quote a part of SilverLining's post.

 

Does it sound like somebody she is repulsed by? That she is attracted as much to him as woman?

 

If so, I'm not seeing it.

 

Don't you think your examples are a little extreme?

 

The female equivalent of a guy with a decent face but is short and a little scrawny is a girl with a decent face who might be a little chubby.

 

Would I date a cute girl who is a little overweight but is a very lovely person. OF COURSE I WOULD!!!!

 

Can you imagine a guy posting here that a woman who sounds really great and likes him, wants to date him but because she is 20 lbs overweight, he's not attracted to her at all, even though he thinks she's cute.

 

He would get absolutely torn up.

 

People are attracted to whatever they're attracted to. If scrawny guys turn her off then they do - end of story.

 

If you're not turned off by a girl who's a little overweight that's great. Some guys would be, some not - that's just how it is - and, of course, it depends on the girl. Some overweight girls you may find attractive, others you won't.

 

I always get the impression that you're attracted to all women, regardless of looks or personality, so my 'extreme' example was to try and help you understand that sometimes there is zero attraction - and in such cases a relationship is a non-starter

[OnyxSnowfall]

We have more control than we give ourselves credit. We can change over time if we let ourselves. The key is to change our interpretation of that background that has influenced our brain and emotions from our past. We also can change what we let influence us by re-evaluatiing what we consider important.

 

Some aspects are deep rooted, but that doesn't mean we don't have control over it. Our intellectual brain is not totally separated from our emotional side and is able to adjust its interpretation of our emotions.

 

:love:

Edited November 6, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[alphamale]

mutual loin lubrication

wtf?!?!?!?!?

[carhill]

worshiping at the altar of your c0ck

[somedude81]

People are attracted to whatever they're attracted to. If scrawny guys turn her off then they do - end of story.

 

If you're not turned off by a girl who's a little overweight that's great. Some guys would be, some not - that's just how it is - and, of course, it depends on the girl. Some overweight girls you may find attractive, others you won't.

 

I always get the impression that you're attracted to all women, regardless of looks or personality, so my 'extreme' example was to try and help you understand that sometimes there is zero attraction - and in such cases a relationship is a non-starter

No, I'm not attracted to any and all women.

 

I do have standards.

 

But my threshold for what I consider unattractive is not nearly as big as most women's.

 

In other words, I'm not turned off my normal, non-obese everyday women my age. While it seems that some women are turned off by anything less than a male model.

[LittleTiger]

We have more control than we give ourselves credit. We can change over time if we let ourselves. The key is to change our interpretation of that background that has influenced our brain and emotions from our past. We also can change what we let influence us by re-evaluatiing what we consider important.

 

Some aspects are deep rooted, but that doesn't mean we don't have control over it. Our intellectual brain is not totally separated from our emotional side and is able to adjust its interpretation of our emotions.

 

We can change certain things, but we cannot make ourselves be sexually attracted to someone - we either are, or we're not.

 

How does that explain the stories we hear about people who were totally attracted and in love then years later claim they are no longer attracted and want a breakup/divorce?

 

Despite what you read on LS, most people are still 'attracted' to their spouse, even when they are divorced.

[OnyxSnowfall]

We can change certain things, but we cannot make ourselves be sexually attracted to someone - we either are, or we're not.

 

Sexual attractions change "somehow".........

 

Despite what you read on LS, most people are still 'attracted' to their spouse, even when they are divorced.

 

Eh, my last relationship lasted 6 years ("technically"). By year 2, I had stopped being sexually attracted to him. And it didn't and hasn't returned...

[LittleTiger]

In other words, I'm not turned off my normal, non-obese everyday women my age. While it seems that some women are turned off by anything less than a male model.

 

If that were the case then only male models would be getting laid - either that or most of the female population are gritting their teeth during sex with a man they are turned off by!

[FrustratedStandards]

Personally I don't think so, at least not just by developing more feelings for him. Something of this nature needs to be sought out by a therapist, because you need to get to the root of the problem before you can overcome it.

 

I don't think you will ever be physically attracted to any scrawny man (without therapy) because of the deep rooted issue you have with having an abusive father of this body type.

 

You need to work on yourself with this first before you can truly appreciate a man of this body type without having it be a problem.

[jobaba]

We can change certain things, but we cannot make ourselves be sexually attracted to someone - we either are, or we're not.

 

That's just you ... and a lot of other people.

 

But it's not everybody.

 

I can absolutely be attracted to somebody I found non-attractive before. It has happened many times.

[LittleTiger]

That's just you ... and a lot of other people.

 

But it's not everybody.

 

I can absolutely be attracted to somebody I found non-attractive before. It has happened many times.

 

Maybe, but you didn't do is consciously.

 

You didn't wake up one day and say 'hey, I'm going to fancy this guy today because I want to fancy him'.

 

Nice idea and we'd all be very happily paired off if it were possible - but that's not how it works.

 

What you're talking about is not being attracted to someone, then getting to know them and deciding that you, after all, find them attractive. That person is a 'maybe' when you first meet them, not a 'no way, not in a month of Sundays' - and please don't tell me you've never come across the latter!

[OnyxSnowfall]

Maybe, but you didn't do is consciously.

 

You didn't wake up one day and say 'hey, I'm going to fancy this guy today because I want to fancy him'.

 

Nice idea and we'd all be very happily paired off if it were possible - but that's not how it works.

 

People *can* consciously work towards such things, and or, there are also methods of untangling things indirectly, with said "goal" in mind, too.

[jobaba]

Maybe, but you didn't do is consciously.

 

You didn't wake up one day and say 'hey, I'm going to fancy this guy today because I want to fancy him'.

 

Nice idea and we'd all be very happily paired off if it were possible - but that's not how it works.

 

What you're talking about is not being attracted to someone, then getting to know them and deciding that you, after all, find them attractive. That person is a 'maybe' when you first meet them, not a 'no way, not in a month of Sundays' - and please don't tell me you've never come across the latter!

 

Yes. That's what I'm telling you. I would never count somebody out because of what they looked like. I don't care if they were a little person/dwarf, or extremely large/obese, if they were totally awesome and in line with what I was looking for mentally, then I would totally consider a romantic relationship.

 

I know that's VERY hard for most people to understand, and I understand why. You've probably never had to compromise what you find attractive in a person. I have, but really, I've never been visual or superficial even really from the start.

 

The irony of it is ... if I ever met a woman who said the above to me (first paragraph), I'd think, "Wow. That is such a rare quality to be so non-shallow."

 

But when I've said it to people before, both on internet forums like this and in person, they're like, "F@cking freak. You'd date a midget!"

[blueskyday]

Yes, attraction can come and go both ways. I was wildly attracted to my ex husband. Years later, when I divorced him, I was no longer attracted to him.

 

I think his abusive behavior and neglect simply killed every romantic feeling I had for him. After him, I only dated men I was attracted to, but no luck with relationships.

 

The poster who said that we women will excuse emotional incompatibility if there is physical chemistry, is correct.

 

Lately, I've been dating someone I dated a few years ago. Back then, I thought he was too small of a build for me, not my type, not the best kisser, etc....BUT, we stayed great friends and started hanging out after my last break up.

 

I found myself being attracted to him in a quiet, steady way. His emotional nature is like mine. He and I can laugh. I was shocked to find out that I no longer felt his body was too small. My mind was changing what my body wanted.

 

I may never have a crazy attraction to him, but I very much like being able to be completely myself with him. The more I have sex with him, the more I enjoy it and the more I bond because of the chemical cocktail of sex.

 

So, I say kiss the guy and have sex with him a few times. Give it a chance. Finding someone you have emotional and intellectual compatibility with is rare. It's much easier to simply find someone you want to have sex with because of physical chemistry alone...but it is lonely eventually without the mind and the heart being aligned as well.

 

I wouldn't ever settle for a relationship without physical chemistry, but I think it can grow if you have emotional and intellectual intimacy. Maybe give it a chance first....

[LittleTiger]

Yes. That's what I'm telling you. I would never count somebody out because of what they looked like. I don't care if they were a little person/dwarf, or extremely large/obese, if they were totally awesome and in line with what I was looking for mentally, then I would totally consider a romantic relationship.

 

I know that's VERY hard for most people to understand, and I understand why. You've probably never had to compromise what you find attractive in a person. I have, but really, I've never been visual or superficial even really from the start.

 

The irony of it is ... if I ever met a woman who said the above to me (first paragraph), I'd think, "Wow. That is such a rare quality to be so non-shallow."

 

But when I've said it to people before, both on internet forums like this and in person, they're like, "F@cking freak. You'd date a midget!"

 

I think you're misunderstanding what I am saying. I wouldn't count someone out because of what they look like either and we are not talking about people who are superficial. Actually most people are not that superficial - if they were the human race would either have died out long ago or, by now, we would all be 'beautiful' people.

 

Even someone who says they have a tick list of what they do or don't find attractive in the opposite sex, will very often throw their list out the window when they seriously fall for someone.

 

In my own case, I've always been a big fan of chunky men with well defined muscles (very stereotypical!) but the two sexiest men I've ever met were/are both tall and thin and one them has no muscle at all - go figure!? The most important ingredient in all the men that I've been attracted to over the years (regardless of looks, size, shape, height etc) is a body smell that I found irresistable.

 

My point is merely that we cannot help who we are attracted to and if you aren't turned on by someone (especially if you find them physically repulsive - which is what I meant by 'no way, not in a month of Sundays') you really shouldn't be getting sexually involved with them. It's just a recipe for distaster in the long term.

[jobaba]

I think you're misunderstanding what I am saying. I wouldn't count someone out because of what they look like either and we are not talking about people who are superficial. Actually most people are not that superficial - if they were the human race would either have died out long ago or, by now, we would all be 'beautiful' people.

 

Even someone who says they have a tick list of what they do or don't find attractive in the opposite sex, will very often throw their list out the window when they seriously fall for someone.

 

In my own case, I've always been a big fan of chunky men with well defined muscles (very stereotypical!) but the two sexiest men I've ever met were/are both tall and thin and one them has no muscle at all - go figure!? The most important ingredient in all the men that I've been attracted to over the years (regardless of looks, size, shape, height etc) is a body smell that I found irresistable.

 

My point is merely that we cannot help who we are attracted to and if you aren't turned on by someone (especially if you find them physically repulsive - which is what I meant by 'no way, not in a month of Sundays') you really shouldn't be getting sexually involved with them. It's just a recipe for distaster in the long term.

 

Then, kudos to you! There's nothing to argue about.

[ScreamingTrees]

Dang.. Is the OP the same poster that made some points generally along the lines of "As we mature, what makes a man hot is his personality." in another thread?

 

I guess it doesn't make 'em hot enough, eh? I'm sorry.

[alphamale]

While it seems that some women are turned off by anything less than a male model.

ahhh i don't know, i've seen some pretty hot chicks with some schmucks...

[dasein]

OP, would give him a tumble before writing him off. I have found that a good sexual response can outweigh some merely aesthetic issues. But unfortunately, and I think you know this, you will never ever be just friends with this man, regardless of all the words you or he says to the contrary. It doesn't work that way unless he finds someone else, then maybe years down the road.

 

@carhill loved the angus pics

[Nexus One]

Unfortunately for the guy, and for you too, I don't think it's going to happen, because if it hasn't happened after so many years, then it's likely not going to happen.

 

The only thing he could try is to work out and get ripped, but that wouldn't change his height. But perhaps that might grow your attraction to him in the physical sense.