rbitrage Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 Hi all, I was dumped 10 months ago by my ex. I won't say I handled the first three months well at all. I did break NC a couple of times but nothing good came of it. Towards the beginning summer I did start dating again, and after a few casual dates and meeting some interesting girls, I found myself feeling better. In fact, I met a girl that I took quite a liking to and we dated for a few months. I broke that off as I didn't feel like it was going anywhere and was possibly just a rebound thing, but also for the last few months I have had a growing feeling that what I had with my dumper was very unique and special. I moved on under the guise of she doesn't want me or I need to stop hoping for her because it's not healthy for me and I need to work on myself, and i did all those things, but in the end even as I look at this situation now from a less emotional/irrational perspective, I still feel like she is the one. Sadly she has made no overtures to reach out to me, and the only contact we've had in the last several months is me wishing her a happy birthday on her b-day and she thanking me very much and hoping all was well with me (yes very cordial but no indications of any interest to meet or talk). I realize the most rational thing here is again to move on, fight these renewed feelings and accept she is gone forever for my own self-preservation and health. I don't have trouble meeting women and there is a ton of single, eligible women where I live, but I can't deny that I just believe in something that I can't explain or get over. There have been so many stories of couples who broke up, including for a long period of time and got back together to build a stronger relationship. In my case the complication was specifically on one basic thing. When we met, my mother had passed away 10 months earlier and I was just not looking for a relationship and though we were together for two years, and I loved her and she knew it, I couldn't accept it because I hadn't dealt with my pain and fear of being vulnerable to love. Now after years of therapy which I started doing when I was with her, and continued when we broke up, I made great strides to make peace with my issues and feel like I am in a much better place. We're both in our 30s and both looking to settle down so I have no illusions about how impractical it is to hold out hope. She was in a relationship in the summer and may or may not still be in one (I have no way to tell as i don't have any contact or mutual friends). Like so many other people I drive myself crazy thinking about what I could say to her to show her I am committed for life now, that the fears that kept us apart are being dealt with and I am moving past them everyday. I want to have a family with her. I enjoyed the activities, the food, the travel, and all else we did together. It's tragic in more ways than I can describe. A friend of mine said recently, that if I love her then I need to reach out to her, and no letters or emails, just a call and try to meet up if she is agreeable. Honestly I can't do it because I am too afraid of bringing her any pain or disruption. I think a lot about the movie the Graduate and how much he did to win the girl back, and i know it's hollywood, but as a guy I am just really confused on what is the right etiquette anymore. She wondered if I was truly in love with her, and now I can show it by making some effort and putting myself out there after enough time has passed to prove it's not just about my ego or getting dumped etc. Yet I am paralyzed. What right do I have to disrupt her life. And why can't I just stop chasing a fairy tale romance and act on self-preservation and move on. I realize the writing on the wall says she has no interest to re-kindle. Ironically it was she that told me when we were together about her sister and her friend, both of whom dumped the guys and moved on and ended up back together in much stronger relationships. Any advice, perspective, thoughts would be appreciated.
mitch_m Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 I would go for it... let her know how you feel.
cerridwen Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 I advise you contact her. If she agrees to meeting up, don't go in with huge expectations nor should you lay the whole lifelong plan on her. Years have passed so you're not the same people. She may have changed in unexpected ways. Better to go slowly if any reconciliation takes place. First step though, is contacting her, and respecting if she rather not meet. I fear if you don't make any effort, it will haunt you. Good luck.
BCCA Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 Im going to have to disagree with the idea of contacting her. She is the one who left you, the onus is on her to reach out to you. Trust me, if she wanted you back, she would. Its been 10 months, and she (from what Im reading) has made absolutely no effort to contact you, see if youre ok, or anything else. In other words, shes moved on without you. She has even started a new relationship with someone else. Actions speak louder than words, and her actions are telling me that shes not interested in rekindling anything with you. Movies are made for entertainment. No one wants to watch a movie where someone gets dumped, and thats the end. It would be a 20 minute movie, not a lot of plot lines there. People want to see incredible stories of people defying the odds, and living happily ever after. But remember, like most movies, theyre not real and not in line with what goes on in real life. I dont care if you know 50,000 people who broke up and got back together, it doesnt mean thats what is going to happen with you. If she dumped you, and she isnt making any effort to get you back, than she is happy with her decision. I know you probably think Im a huge prick right now, and that Im just trying to rain on your parade, but its actually the opposite. How are you going to feel if you work yourself up to call her, and get all excited about it, only to find out shes living with someone else, not interested, or cold toward you? Like sh*t, thats how. Why do that to yourself? There are many other girls out there who will give you a chance, and with whom you dont have negative baggage. Find one of them. I dont think you went out and dated with an open mind, I feel like you did it because you didnt want to deal with the split and it was easier to be with someone else than to be alone. You can tell yourself that shes the only one for you all you want, but if she doesnt feel the same way, what can you do? I'll tell you right now, if you reach out to contact her you'll be sorry you did. You'll be back at square one, and it wont be very much fun. I would strongly recomend you cut your losses and move on. Ive seen hundreds of threads just like this, and people never listen, but they come back later - every single one of them, and tell me I was right. I really hope you find happiness and live happily ever after, but if this girl can dump you and not make an effort to reach out to you afterward, shes not the one. Im sorry, but you should cut your losses and save yourself the frustration.
Coupedriver Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 Im going to have to disagree with the idea of contacting her. She is the one who left you, the onus is on her to reach out to you. Trust me, if she wanted you back, she would. Words I have to repeat EVERY minute of EVERY day..!!
DeadlyAvenger Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 coupedriver - sorry to go off topic but i just wanted to say how accurate your signature is. I can honestly say i wish i never read it, actually made me feel tearful
Author rbitrage Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 Thanks BCCA, I do agree with what you are saying. I have zero indication of any interest to try for anything. Only thing is though that I was the one that couldn't show full vulnerability in the relationship, so the onus would really be on me to show her I really want her for real and for keeps this time. But yes, reality is reality. And yes I am setting myself for another fall if i try and she rejects me. But in a way that would be a form of closure. I know there was closure in what transpired in the breakup and the silence since, but I have to say after months of not even thinking about it her anymore, and actually being in another relationship, I still believe deep down we have something. I know it takes two to tango, but what is worse, trying again and getting rejected or lingering with this feeling that says give it a shot. Will i actually do it though...I don't know. At this point I'm too afraid of disrupting her life so I need to get my thoughts together. Guess I have to figure out how to make peace with my fear or with my hope because one or both of these are paralyzing me a bit right now
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