thatcatlady67 Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 At what point during dating, when it is heading in the direction of an exclusive relationship, does one disclose personal things about themselves to their dating partner? Specificallly, mental health history and marital status. I have been on antidepressants for 9 years, after a breakdown. I did not disclose this fact to my 2nd husband until a med change caused me to freak out. He had no idea what was going on and it had a negative effect on the marriage. (I have been on a low dose of Effexor for several years and successfully controlling my bipolar 2 disorder.) I have been separated from said husband for three years, living on my own for two years, and he moved out of state last March. He has also had a serious girlfriend for almost two years. Neither of us has filed for divorce yet. I don't know why he hasn't filed, probably because of the cost. I haven't filed because of the expense, I don't want to jeopardize my health insurance, and simply because I did not want to see him or interact with him in any way. Lately, I just want to get it over with. We will be doing a DIY divorce. My date knows my ex-husband and some of the situation, because we work together, ex husband worked there at one time also. I refer to my ex as my ex-husband, which is less awkward than 'estranged husband', but never stated that I was separated and not legally divorced. I am not sure if this will be a dealbreaker for the guy I am dating, and I am not sure if I should have disclosed this fact sooner. When should I tell him?
ja123 Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 I think you could mention casually that on such-and-such a day that you have some paper work to do to finalize the divorce. If he says, "I thought you were divorced already." Tell him that in your mind you have been for a long while, but that there's been delays to do so legally. If he wants to know more right at that moment, just tell him that it's a long story and one that had impacted your mental health even, that it's painful for you but that you'd be happy to discuss it with him ... just at at another time. That way you've given him some info, but in a small dose (I think a big dose would be too much for both of you.) This will also give you some time to recollect yourself and get grounded. When you do talk a bit about your ex, don't disparage him, just give a few details in a very matter of fact, non-judgmental way.
Author thatcatlady67 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 I have no ill will toward my ex, and I never bash him to anyone outside of close friends, family members, basically people I trust. And hardly ever, any more. The marriage was over three years ago. A divorce is just a formality. My breakdown and hospitalization happened in 2002, and I met my ex in 2004, married in 2005. Our separation three years ago did not lead to my taking anti-depressants, that had already been established. I don't want to mislead or fudge the truth with my new man. If he wants to get involved with me, he needs to know some truths about me before he gets attached. I don't want to make this mistake again.
D-Lish Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 People will tell you different things about how to discuss these sorts of things. I also suffer from depression and anxiety- controlled easily with meds, but something I'm always going to struggle with nonetheless. The last guy I dated, I think I told him on the first date. He had brought up that his brother was on AD's and he was against them- and I told him about my anxiety, explained how terrible it is to live in such a manner and how much the meds have changed my life in a positive manner. He understood and we had a good discussion about it. He wanted to keep seeing me despite that conversation. I'm not ashamed about it, and I think when you talk about from a perspective of not being ashamed about it that it lessens the stigma attached to it.
Author thatcatlady67 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 Maybe there is an element of shame here, and that is why I didn't tell my ex until my issues were obvious. Most of my family members have one form or another of mental illness. My parents met as patients on a psych ward. I don't think this will be a deal breaker, when I do tell him. He may already know about my marital status. One thing about dating a co-worker I have discovered is, there are no secrets among the employees. Especially those who have been there for many years. I have been told personal things about him by fellow co-workers, so it makes sense to think he has heard stuff about me.
carhill Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 If I was a LTR prospect and said person was having sex with me, I'd want to know such things, since my style is progressing such relations to a permanent LTR/M. I can't marry someone who's married. FWIW, the filing and service fees for our D were 395.00. If contested, the response fee would've been 350.00. IMO, if a person can't afford to file for divorce, they shouldn't be dating. Sell something to pay the filing fees. Yeah, health insurance blows. We had to split ours up. Costs me nearly 3 grand a year for it now. Is it any wonder I'm not dating? OP, if you're straight up with someone you're making love with (or intend to), that person, if compatible, will have the tools and insight to find a healthy path with you. If other, other. They are already that person. Information gives them truth. Your truth.
Author thatcatlady67 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 Threaten to go off my meds? Ha! That would be detrimental to my own health and well being and just plain stupid. On the rare occasions I forget to take it, my body lets me know soon enough. I don't want drama, and pulling a stunt like that would be ridiculous. Is this your personal experience with people on psych meds? Or something you have done, yourself? So...I shouldn't be dating, you say? Of course I should be dating. I AM stable, work full time, pay my bills, and my kids are grown up and on their own. I have a medical condition that millions of other people have. I have not had sex in over a year. I am here to ask for advice, from people who might have gone through something similar in their love lives. I am well-aware of my past mistakes and don't want to repeat them. The marriage is only on paper. I haven't seen my ex-husband since last spring. He is sending all his necessary documents to me so I can file here, and he will fly up for court dates. We have no kids together, and it is wholly uncontested by both of us. It will only cost $120 to file in my state, plus $25 for subpoenas, and only a take a few months to be finalized. I am paying for it, and consider it a good investment!
carhill Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 I responded because I have gone through what you did/are, evidently at a far higher cost, and concurrently buried my demented mother right before the divorce was final, so I know all about 'crazy'. Take my opinion for what it's worth. It's got a lot of life experience behind it.
Author thatcatlady67 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 @plasma: how did I 'snap'? What did I miss here? I responded to something you said that made no sense to me. I realize that you are a troll, but I expected this and certainly do not take it personally.
Author thatcatlady67 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 @carhill: what a nightmare that must have been for you. Thanks for the insight.
Author thatcatlady67 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 @Tom Turbo: that makes sense, your grandfather was (is?) a wise man. I know I have to tell my date about my personal baggage, it is a question of when, and how. I am seeing him tonight, not sure if the timing is right. If after I tell him and he decides to not date me anymore, that's life, move on.
Art_Critic Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 This is just me.. but your mental health history should stay your secret until you feel comfortable telling him and has no expiration on that. Your marital status however should have been discussed before dating IMO and certainly after dating a few times.. The reality of it is that you are married by law and cannot marry another till you dissolve your marriage.. and that is something any new guy needs to know.. that you are not able to be married at that time to him..I would think any guy would want to know that if they were going to propose.. for example With that being said you mentioned that he knows your ex so then he might know already that you are still married. Maybe you should bring him up on your marital status.. the mental health.. until you want to discuss it and feel comfortable then don't.
dasein Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 Marital status, before the first date unless you meet OLD and go out without much preliminary talk, in that case, on the first date. Mental conditions and meds? before the relationship gets physical, definitely before exclusivity comes up. This is because the condition has had a direct impact on a past relationship/marriage. With conditions physical or mental, that had not had such effects on past relationships, judgment call.
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