Penny Sillan Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 Hi there. I'm after a little advice on how to respond to a friend who found out a month ago that her hubby has been cheating on her. It's not my aim to get involved in what's happening with her marriage (meaning: I don't really want to be giving her advice on what she should or shouldn't be doing - I think she probably has enough people already doing that) I just want to be able to support her as a friend. She's asked me around for coffee next week so we can catch up and I got the impression when we talked today that she's looking for answers - answers that I can't really give her. So I guess I'm in here hoping that maybe one of you have been in a similar situation and might be able to give me a little bit of guidance on how best I can support her. If you have been cheated on by your Significant Other - was there something that your friend/s did or said that made a positive difference for you? If you have supported a friend through the aftermath of finding out their Significant Other had been cheating - how did you help? Thank-you.
shellgranado Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 i dont know if this will help but i will tell you my story i have been married twice the first time when i was 18 and in high school he was my first love my first everything but he had a cheating problem see he worked out of town most of the time so i wasnt catching him but then he introduced me to one of his co workers and we all started hanging out were now 20 years of age well he left me for his friends 15 year old daughter well they ended up having a baby together now there not together any more my secound marriage i have 3 children by this guy we have been togethjer 12 years well hes a cheater i kept forgiving him and he kept doing it its like my forgiving him was tell him it was ok that i didnt mind him doing doing it that he could do it and i would let him get by with it god i dont even remember how many girls aloty though well i finally got tired of hurting and sharing my guy so i divorced him now we have been seperated for 5 years and hes still trying to come home i guess my point is she needs to dump him and move on because wants someone cheats theres no way to forget it you can always forgive but never forget but message me if you have a spcific question i will answer it for you hope it helps
Linlin Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 The best I can suggest is listen to her and encourage her to go to counselling and gets some help. I found out that my husband was cheating on me in March with a friend of mine. Thankfully I have alot of friends and family that support and listen to me and that really helps. I am the type, the more I talk the better I feel. I feel strong right now since I have been able to talk and have the support of everyone. Good luck to your friend.
FolderWife Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 The best way you can help her without getting involved, is to give her the address to this website
yellowrose Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 Hi Penny- Probably the best thing that was recommended to me was to read the book "After the Affair". It just helped me feel normal. Like all the things that were going through my head were on par. Hope that helps your friend. Best wishes to you both. -Yr
reservoirdog1 Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 If she asks you if she should leave him, it's perfectly OK to answer that you can't make that decision for her, and explain that you can't give her an answer because you're not her. The decision has to be her own. However, you can definitely help her in other ways. If she's considering staying with him and trying to work on rebuilding the trust, you can definitely offer advice as to things she can insist on from him that will help reestablish that trust. But overall, the best thing you can do as her friend (though I'm sure you've thought of this already) is to make it clear to her that you are there to listen. As often as she needs you to be, and you don't mind if she needs to discuss again things she's already talked about. I was fortunate when I found out TBXW was a serial cheat -- I had friends and family who gave me so much of their time and listened to me, at times, for hours. I don't know if I could have gotten to where I am now, 9 months later, without them. Whenever an opportunity for me to return the favour comes up, as it has a couple of times, I embrace it eagerly. They've given so much and am looking forward to being able to return the favour.
NotaBadGuy Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 Penny, the best thing for you to do in my opinion is to be supportive and be a friend. You do not want to get involved and that is okay. But as a friend, at least be there to listen. She is probably in deep pain and depair at this point and needs a supportive network to fall back on, to talk to, and to comfort her. You owe no answers outside the ones you feel totally and completely confident about. It is a devestating time in ones life to experience the disappointment and betrayal of your spouse and their infidelity. I owe several of my friends the world for being there for me and listening to me in this same situation(but as a male). It is also times like these when you find out who your true friends really are. I sure did. Just my thoughts though. Good luck. You will undeniably make the right choice.
Author Penny Sillan Posted May 22, 2004 Author Posted May 22, 2004 Thank you all so much for your responses - in one way or another they back up what I was thinking and I think that's what I was looking for when I left my post. Confirmation that I'm doing the right thing, plus a few extra hints :-) I'm normally quite good at "being there" and saying the right things when it comes to friends or family needing support. It's just that this situation is so volitile at the moment.....they are both living under the same roof and from what I can tell, eventhough they are talking about trying to work it out - they haven't begun to really look for ways in resolving the issues. My main aim is to comfort the hurt without fanning the anger my friend is feeling toward her hubby. At the same time, I don't want to dampen her anger and invalidate what she is feeling because I believe she has every right to feel her anger. I think I'll buy that book (After the Affair) you suggested yellowrose, and give it to her when I call around for coffee. And while I'm there I'll see if I can steer the conversation around to how helpful places like this can be and see if I can get her interested in coming in and telling her story. It's all coming together in my mind now - just sitting here typing about it all is bringing a lot of clarity to my frazzled brain on how I should go about being a constructive part of her problems. Thank you all again!
VivianLee Posted May 22, 2004 Posted May 22, 2004 Penny, just to add my .2 cents worth (no pun intended)....as someone that has been in your friend's shoes....please go easy on her about advice right now. I will tell you what helped me and what didn't.... Didn't Help: My sweet parent's were so there for me BUT they were of NO comfort!! First of all THE DAY after my husband told me of the affair.... My mother sent her best friend over to tell me how I'm going to feel (her daughter was cheated on too).... I couldn't swallow but I was trying my best to eat while my Daddy told me what advice he'd gotten from the lawyer. They told me different things they'd heard about my husband. One of my friends came over and sat down and wrote out a budget for me and wanted me to start looking for a job that day. I couldn't think what my name was and all I could think was "he cheated and he's left me" What did work: I had a friend come by and just sit and listen to me while I cried and talked. The same friend gave me encouragement books that help uplift people and get them through hard times. She came by several times and every time she just sat, hugged and listened. Eventually she started coming to watch a movie (when I started focusing again) or we'd go walking... Penny, this is what worked with me. There are no magic remedies or words to heal a broken heart. You basically follow their lead as to what it seems they want. You may hear the same story over and over but alot of times that's just for the person to learn acceptance and to start facing reality of what happened... You may get tired of hearing it or tired of them whining....but let them grieve....everyone handles things in a different way... You are a great friend to go as far as to get advice on this!! I think you will do just fine!!
Author Penny Sillan Posted May 23, 2004 Author Posted May 23, 2004 Hi VivianLee. Thank you for sharing your 2cents worth :-)..... You were very lucky to have the support of your friend to add balance to the "help" that you were getting from others. I agree with your suggestion about going easy on the advice, at this stage (for my friend) I think offering "comfort" by simply being there in the moment with her without offering solutions is what she probably needs more than anything. I'm going to see her tomorrow....with the book that yellowrose suggested ( I got a copy today - gotta love Sunday trading!) and also my copy of Dr Phil's Relationship Rescue.....she can pick which one she wants to read first. Thank you for the compliment you gave me about being a good friend for trying to get some advice - several years ago I guess I would have tossed and turned in my own mind on how to handle it. Now, sitting in front of my computer, with access the most powerful information tool there is....I can tap into real experiences that happen to real people. I find that simply amazing! Thanks again for sharing your story - I really do appreciate the time you and the others have taken to respond. I hope one day I may be able to do the same for someone else.
yellowrose Posted May 23, 2004 Posted May 23, 2004 I'm so glad you got her that book. Whenever I'm having a hard day, I reach for it. I've had it for a few months now and still find it a great source of affirmation. Good luck to your friend. Vivian was right, I believe you should lay low on any advice, and just be supportive. "These feelings are normal, go ahead and let 'er rip" types of things are really the best. {{hugs}} Yr
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