My Story: Is there a chance?

[Love-Lost]

Hi,

 

This is my first time on here although have read lots of posts shared by others. Apologies, this will probably be long winded but guess it helps to know the full story.

 

So, married and separated for 3 months. Known husband for 22 years, together for 12 years, married for 6 years, no children as it just never worked out for us - but that's ok. He has just turned 40 and I'm 38.

 

We always had a very loving and happy relationship. I totally fancied him from the age of 16 and it was the same for him. When I was 20 he passed me in a nightclub and whispered in my ear he was going to marry me one day. It took another 5 years for us to get our act together and date and we never looked back.

 

Reason for separation, he had and affair for 6 months and is currently having an on/off relationship with same person who is 21 years old. There is a whole back story to this which isn't really that important to share but suffice to say, as in many such cases, he lied a whole lot to cover his tracks. When I accused him and left him he denied it for 10 days before coming clean. He never tried to save what we had - he wanted to walk away.

 

He had a very good job but he also lied to his boss to cover up his affair as he managed the other person. Circumstances since then have lead to him resigning from his job. Our house is now sold so in process of packing up. So, in 3 months has lost his wife, his job and his home.

 

Communication between us has been up and down. At the start we both said hurtful things to each other. But I'm the type of person who really can't be bothered with all that, it doesn't assist me at all to be name calling so that ended quickly. I pretty much decided then that I deserved much better and that I'd leave him to get on with whatever it was he thought he was looking for and that he'd never be able to accuse me of interfering. I wanted to and have maintained my own dignity and self respect. I have at no time made effort to contact him - every time contact has been initiated by him. I do however respond to the contact, which is mostly text but occasionally by phone.

 

Should also add that I love him more than anything and would dearly love to work things out. Also to say that he had a gastric band fitted 4 years ago at which point he was 22 stone. He has since dropped down to 11 stone. He was always a very handsome guy who dressed really well and was confident about himself and nobody else would have ever turned my head.

 

So, why post. Well I'm confused. Firstly, the person he had affair with is the absolute opposite from me. Total party, party girl who drinks to get drunk and they inevitably end up arguing, shouting, kicking chairs, throwing glasses! This shocks me as the husband I know is not like that at all - he likes a good laugh, he is great company but laid back. Now he's getting chucked out of hotels for their fighting! Enough about her, it's his actions towards me that confuse me.

 

Through the whole time he goes between friendly texts to those which are very matter of fact - Mr practical. We have never physically seen each other in the whole time we've separated and he's said on numerous occasions he doesn't want to see me - not that I wanted to see him, wasn't an issue for me.

 

It began about 6 weeks ago when our house sale went through. He contacted me to say he had found that really hard as everything feels real and he doesn't want it to happen and he still loves me. Then he doesn't contact me for few days then back to being Mr practical wanting to know what I will be taking from house.

 

Then 3 weeks ago he turned 40. He texted me on Saturday night to tell me he missed me big time and that he was so unhappy with his life and has had enough of everything. Same again few days later back to Mr practical.

 

He resigned from his job last week. I knew that would be hard as he's worked for the company his whole working life. It also happened on the anniversary of his Mum's passing. I texted just to say thinking of you - the first time I've initiated a text.

 

So things this week have been hard for him. Packing our house, no job and feeling let down by work colleagues.

 

He contacted me this week saying he's at the lowest point in his life and he's fkd up everything. Saying things like wish we could wake up from our nightmare, wish we could wake up in Bermuda (we were planning to move there). I have offered him support as I care for him deeply and would never wish to see him struggle emotionally. He called a few nights ago and was saying similar things, talking through work stuff and I was just supporting him. I had arranged to go to house next day to pack and he was going to be out the house as said before, he didn't want to be in the same physical space as me. But at the end of the call he said that he had an interview and that he'd come back to house afterwards and he'd see me then. I was surprised but not fussed either way.

 

So I did as planned and he came back and it was strange but okay. We've both lost weight through this so each of us were just taking in the changes.

 

We talked for a while. He totally regrets starting things with the other person but feels almost tied now as she lost her job too. He doesn't love her, but cares for her and realises a lot was to do with ego. He still loves me. Said we had a great relationship and when friends have suggested there must have been something wrong he knows there wasn't. He got into something he couldn't get out of. He feels we could never get back to what we had because of his actions - I agree. But I think that doesn't mean we couldn't rebuild. He's so confused and unhappy. I feel there is a glimmer we could sort stuff out but don't want to go charging in. I don't know what to do. Just keep it cool and give him space?

 

He went to the supermarket and came back and made us a small dinner which was very thoughtful, but unexpected and weird to be sitting with each other eating like old times. He wasn't trying to be romantic or anything, nor was I.

 

I want to work it out and I'm under no illusion that it simply may never happen, but I want to try.

 

Any thoughts, insights etc. He has never behaved like this and has told me many many times that I'm the love of his life etc.

 

Help - confused, unsure if he wants me!

 

Thank you x

[Survivor12]

He feels "tied" to her because she lost her job? Too bad he didn't have these compassionate feelings for you when he began the affair.

 

I will say that I believe what he says about not loving her. If he did, he wouldn't be testing the waters with you. On the other hand, if he truly loved you, he wouldn't still be in the relationship with her for any reason.

 

Look, all he's thinking about is what HE wants, and what he wants right now is to prove to himself that he can get you back. Of course, he's never behaved like this before (at least not to YOU) because he didn't feel that it was necessary. He knew he "had" you, and unfortunately, that wasn't enough to satisfy his ego.

 

I would bet dollars to donuts that as soon as he lures you back, you will find that the "romancing" will end and history will very likely repeat itself.

 

My advice is not to buy into his sweet talk and remember that regardless of what he is saying, he is still involved with the woman that he cheated on you with! Don't put yourself through more of the pain, anguish and loss that you have been going through since you discovered his lies and infidelity. Remember that "When I accused him and left him he denied it for 10 days before coming clean. He never tried to save what we had - he wanted to walk away".

 

Of course he has regrets--like you said, he has lost his wife, his house and his job in a short three months! And, since he can't recover the latter two, he is going for the one thing (you) that he thinks he can salvage. By doing that, he doesn't have to carry the burden of having been responsible for screwing up his life.

 

Understand that even if he IS ready to truly and wholeheartedly TRY to work things out, he would have ended things with his gf BEFORE reaching out to you.

 

Please, I understand how hard it is to resist going back, but don't rush into anything. First of all, like I said before, he's still involved with his gf, and even though you may still be legally married, you would be stepping into the role of "the other woman". Secondly, don't give him "directions" on how to win you back. By telling him that you won't take him back until he breaks it off with the gf or until he agrees to marriage counseling, you won't be able to see what HE is willing to do on his own. Do not tell him that you love him and miss him...in doing that, you are showing your weakness and giving him the power in the relationship. Don't try to make him understand how much he has hurt you...if he were truly repentant, he would already know. Above all, don't sleep with him! If you do, you will be giving him permission to continue things as they are while becoming more emotionally engaged with him--which will make you unable to see the situation clearly.

 

The best thing you can do right now is to keep your distance. Do not contact him. If you choose to respond to contact from him, do not discuss anything personal or emotional. Keep whatever contact you do have with him strictly via text or email. Do NOT agree to see him in person (particularly alone). Allow time to see whether his intense interest wanes and if his relationship with his gf continues. Remember, his actions will speak the truth. His words are only words.

 

In the meantime, do what you were doing before--maintain your dignity and self-respect by living your life and letting him live his.

 

Good luck.

[Love-Lost]

Dear Survivor12,

 

Thanks so much for taking the time to read over and respond to my post. It's weird cause I posted looking for advice, but as soon as I read things (which are absolutely valid) that I don't want to consider, I wish I hadn't posted. Guess that's me just being weak. The whole point is to get an unbiased opinion, so thanks again.

 

He isn't with the gf anymore. He told me they are split and that it's totally over. He felt it was unhealthy all the arguing and she is too much work, very selfish and immature. I did nearly laugh out loud! She's 21! I think he's found her not to be very supportive through this tough time - but again, she's 21! Anyways - he's single again.

 

I do agree that he is still thinking about number 1, himself. I have spoken to him about the time between me accusing him and his confession - he claimed that he just put everything out of his head and got drunk for 3 weeks telling himself that it wasn't happening and things would be okay. That doesn't make much sense to me - but no point questioning cause his answer would remain the same.

 

I afraid I have already made the mistake of telling him I love him. This was only recently as he was struggling so much, it was hard to not respond when he said it to me. There is no way I would sleep with him. I would never consider it unless we had agreed to work on us - he knows me well enough to know I would never do that.

 

I do agree that I just need to keep on maintaining my own dignity etc., so will take a step back from initiating contact. I had contacted him 2 or 3 times recently but more so he knows that I'm thinking of him when things are tough. Will leave that now though.

 

I do just still find it all so confusing though.