He can't choose between me and her

[Zebrelle]

Hi,

 

I apologize for the book I’m about to write here, but I really need to vent. I can’t sleep because I’m so stressed and my heart’s beating so fast. L

 

I started exchanging messages with a man from an online dating Website back in September. We met at the beginning of October and saw each other six times so far. He is 35 years old.

 

He asked me out on a first date. We went out and I sent him a message the following day to thank him and he asked me when I was free. Then, I didn't contact him until the day before to confirm the plans were still on. We saw each other for a second time and we kissed. The kiss was mostly initiated by me. It was a Monday and we talked about meeting again on Sunday at the end of the date. Then, I thanked him again when I got home and we exchanged a few messages. I only contacted him 5 days later (on the Sunday) to see how he was doing and if he was still interested in going out. He said that he was, that he was sick during the week and still sick, but that we could meet on Tuesday to play pool. I contacted him to confirm the plans on Tuesday and he said he was still sick and that I could come to his place instead. I declined the invitation and we rescheduled for Sunday instead.

 

When the Sunday arrived, I wasn’t sure it was good idea because, but I finally went to his place. It was nice. We were both reserved at the beginning, but when we got on the couch to watch the movie, the started cuddling. He caressed my arm and we kissed and one thing led to another. We ended up sleeping together. We stayed in bed afterward and continued talking for maybe 30/45 minutes. That’s when we got to discuss the “relationship”. He said I looked sad. I wasn’t sad, but I wasn’t sure I did the right thing by sleeping with him because I didn’t know his level of interest. This conversation is not in order totally, but I said: “I’m not sad. I just want to take my time. I don’t want to do any mistakes, you know.” He said: “We’re seeing each other and it’s fun, but I don’t want to go too fast. I still feel you are shy with me and I still don’t know you.” I didn’t how to take that answer, but I didn’t like it. So, I told him, probably because I was looking for a clear indication, that I had other dates since the last time we saw each other because I didn’t know if he was really that interested in me. He asked me why and I said it’s because he didn’t contact me in between the dates. He said he thought about me and it’s true he could have contacted me, but that he didn’t think I would think he wasn’t interested because of that. He also said he would not have invited me to his place and slept with me if he wasn’t interested. I said it doesn’t indicate anything. You can sleep with someone and want nothing from them. He ask if it was the case for me and I said: “Of course not!!! I’m just saying.” Plus, he said that I’ve always been the one contacting him since the beginning. I don’t know what he meant by that, but I hope he doesn’t think I will do it all the time!!! I said I didn’t really want to meet other guys and that I wouldn’t if I had gotten a clear sign from him that he was interested in me. He said he can’t promise me anything right now and I understand. We’ve only seen each other four times. I don’t want the relationship to have a label yet. He said he doesn’t want to meet other people because it is a lot of work. And it’s true. We talked about random things and he asked me how I like a guy to be with me, if I like him to hold my hand in public and things like that. So, anyway, he kept caressing my body while we were talking lying on the bed. I asked what the plan was now. He said we could see each other again Tuesday night, which was last night. At the end, he accompanied me to my car outside. We kissed and hugged again. He asked me to message him when I get home and I did. I thanked him again and I said I had a great time. He said he had a good time as well and told me to have a good night. I said: “Thanks! Good night! xox ” He replied: “xox ” I was somehow happy. It looked good.

 

We saw each other two days later, on Tuesday. It was nice. We were supposed to go play pool, but he was too tired. So, we went to his place. When I got there, we kissed and hugged. We talked for a while and then decided to watch a movie. Again, we cuddled, kissed, acted like a couple. We slept together after the movie and continued talking a little bit afterward on the bed. He did say at some point that we has really busy and that he was trying to make time for everything, meaning working on his different projects, seeing his friends and spending time with me now. I thought it was a good sign somehow. Anyway, when I left, we kissed and hugged. He didn’t accompany to my car though. He asked me to message him when I get home and I did as usual. I said that I had a great time and that I couldn’t wait to see him again and told him good night with “xox”. He said he enjoyed the evening as well and told me goodnight, but no “xox” like the other Sunday night. I know these are minor details, but it kind of worried me for some reason. Oh, and again, we didn’t plan another date. I didn’t want to push him either. So, I just said: “Ok, we’ll talk again soon!” He ended up contacting me a three days later I think. He just asked me how my day was and told me about his. He didn't ask me out or anything. I waited two more days and I ended up contacting him. I asked if he was free during the weekend. He said he was available Sunday and asked me if I was. I said yes.

 

So, last Sunday, I went to his place and he cooked dinner for me. It was nice. During the supper, we ended up discussing our relationship. I don't remember exactly how we started talking about it, but I pretty much said everything I told you guys. (That I wasn't interested in meeting other people at this point because I was interested in him.) He told me he was seeing another woman as a friend. He said he met her before some time before me and he didn't sleep with her. I said I didn't want to waste my time and that he should tell me if he already knew he didn't want anything serious from me. But he said he was really interested in me and he still wants to get to know me. I just don't know what to think of all this right now. We cuddled and we fell asleep. He said I could sleep at his place if I wanted to, but I didn't have anything so I decided to go back home.

 

I didn't contact him. I waited for him to do it and he did contact me on Wednesday. He asked me if I wanted to go play pool the next day, which was Thursday. He picked me up around 6:50 PM. We played pool for about 1:30 hour. He showed me some techniques. We joked around. He touched me on a few occasions, but not overly. This part of the evening was fun. Then, we sat to finish our drinks. It was weird. I don't know why. I can't explain. It was different. The conversation didn't flow too well for some reason. Perhaps it's because I didn't know how to act with him anymore. We decided to go to another place to get another drink and continue talking. Again, it seemed like the conversation wasn't the same. I think I was more distant, but I'm not sure if it was just me or him as well.

 

At some point, he asked me if I wanted to have another drink and I refused. I said: "No, I drank too much last time I was at your place and I said stupid things I shouldn't have said." He said: "What do you mean? I didn't think you said anything stupid." I said: "I just think some things should be left unsaid in the early stage of a relationship... not that we are a relationship, but you know what I mean." He said: "No, don't agree. It's important to communicate and I liked that you opened up to me last time and that you let me know what you though." I said: "You don't want to know what I think." He said: "I think I know." I said: "No, I don't think you really do." He said: "Well, tell me then. I want us to communicate." I stayed silent. He said: "Do you want to have the conversation?" I said: "Ok, sure..." He said: "Go ahead." I said: "I personally would like to see you more than once a week. I don't think once a week is enough to get to know someone. I personally prefer to concentrate on getting to know you better and only you." He said: "I agree with you. The other person I'm seeing complained about the same thing (seeing him only once a week) I'm trying to balance the time between both of you equally." I said: "You know you'll have to eventually make a choice, right?" He said: "Yes, I know, and I think about it everyday. I honestly can't choose between both of you. You have both the same good qualities I'm looking for in a partner, but you're two different people at the same time. But I like both your differences. If I could marry both of you, I would. But I can't do that forever." I said: "Someone will get hurt. And the longer you wait, the harder it will be for that person." He said: "I know and I don't like that. I want to make a decision within the next 2 to 3 weeks." We said a bunch of other things, but these were the most important things that were said. Then, talked about when we were next available. He said: "It could be Friday after I play hockey, but it's probably too short notice, right?" Don't ask me why but I said: "No, that's good. I'd like that." We talked about me sleeping over to his place. We left the restaurant and it was 11:00 PM with the plan of seeing each other Friday night at around 10:00 PM, after his hockey game. For some reason, I felt okay at the end of the night when I got home. It's weird.

 

But Friday morning he sent me a message and he said that he forgot he was playing curling tomorrow morning at 9:00 AM and that he had to get up at 7:40 AM and that we should reschedule it for next time. We exchanged a few messages (which I'm not too proud of because I kind of tried to ask to see him anyway), but I think it was clear from his messages that he didn't want to spend time with me. Either he wanted to be alone or not with me or both. I know he won't be at home before 10:00 PM, but whatever... I ended up just telling him: “Have good evening and good birthday for tomorrow. See you later...” I'm back to feeling insecure because he cancelled our plans for tonight. It's stupid because it's as if I thought I had some chances to be the chosen one last night because he said he couldn't make a decision between me and her and because he cancelled our plans. I don't know... Perhaps our discussion made him realize he needs to * * * * ing take a decision once and for all and he wants to spend some time alone to think about it. It would be a good idea actually. I must admit that I was at work and I had to go outside to hide and cry. This is SO pathetic. I know... Someone needs to give me a slap in the face. I'm starting to think he's just not interested enough in neither of us and that's why he can't make a decision. It's impossible he doesn't know who he wants at this point. One of us must stand out a little more. This is ridiculous. And I just feel stupid and ashamed as usual. I don't even know why I'm doing this to myself. I can't stop thinking he must have cancelled the plans Friday night because he just doesn't want to be with me and he has finally chosen. It's killing me... If he knows he doesn’t want me, he should just tell me. But if he doesn’t know who to choose, the he wouldn’t have cancelled our plans together last night. I feel like it's over and I'll never see him ever again. I know I've done some mistakes and I know it's easy to tell someone to just walk away, but I really like him. That's why I'm so stressed right now. I'm tired of seeing him only once a week. I don't even know how much time he spends with her. I don't know what to do. I won't contact him, but I know it'll break my heart if he doesn't either and I know I might get hurt if he does and I end up seeing him again. And I also know if I keep seeing him without him making a decision, things won't change. Why would he make a decision if he knows I'll still see him and wait around? I feel there is no win possibilities here. Let's say he chooses me, how will I be able to trust him? I'm not right now. And him cancelling the date last night makes me feel even worse. I so know what it means for him to do that... It's so clear. It doesn't seem to be that hard of a decision.

 

I know he's probably not worth it, but I'm blinded by my emotions at the moment. I'm just really heartbroken.

[Cee]

I think you are "in love" with a fantasy, not a reality. I think you want to be loved and cherished by a boyfriend that you have convinced yourself that he is special. He hasn't earned your caring. He hasn't called you on the phone to ask about your day or pick you up for a date so you can have a slow meal and gaze into each other's eyes. The intimacy hasn't grown - it still seems shallow.

 

Everything you have written is casual dating behavior. You have weekday dates or on a Friday night after he has finished his hockey game. He is seeing another woman and doesn't want to choose. His comment about marriage was insulting because that kind of discussion should happen later in a relationship AND when it's exclusive. He's basically asking you to keep it casual with the promise that it may get serious down the road.

 

The problem is you are too in love with him. If you were detached and indifferent, you could do a casual relationship that may lead to something more. But you want a LTR with a boyfriend, not someone who vaguely resembles boyfriend material.

 

You've invested a lot of emotion in this, so ending it will be hard. But it's what you must do. If you don't, you will waste your time on a man who doesn't want what you want.

 

You deserve better and if you stoop to his low level of commitment, you will lose self-respect. Remember loving yourself is more important than anything any man can offer.

[Zebrelle]

I think you are "in love" with a fantasy, not a reality. I think you want to be loved and cherished by a boyfriend that you have convinced yourself that he is special. He hasn't earned your caring. He hasn't called you on the phone to ask about your day or pick you up for a date so you can have a slow meal and gaze into each other's eyes. The intimacy hasn't grown - it still seems shallow.

 

Everything you have written is casual dating behavior. You have weekday dates or on a Friday night after he has finished his hockey game. He is seeing another woman and doesn't want to choose. His comment about marriage was insulting because that kind of discussion should happen later in a relationship AND when it's exclusive. He's basically asking you to keep it casual with the promise that it may get serious down the road.

 

The problem is you are too in love with him. If you were detached and indifferent, you could do a casual relationship that may lead to something more. But you want a LTR with a boyfriend, not someone who vaguely resembles boyfriend material.

 

You've invested a lot of emotion in this, so ending it will be hard. But it's what you must do. If you don't, you will waste your time on a man who doesn't want what you want.

 

You deserve better and if you stoop to his low level of commitment, you will lose self-respect. Remember loving yourself is more important than anything any man can offer.

 

I totally agree with you. I shouldn't care because he hasn't earned my caring. He told me he wanted to take the time to get to know me. I guess I was naive and I thought it meant only me. I didn't see anything wrong with him seeing another woman before the third date. Even when we slightly discussed it after being intimate and he mentioned he had another date, I thought it was just it: a date. However, after our fifth date, when he actually told me he was seeing her on a regular basis, it changed my whole perspective. We can't get to know each other if we only see each other once a week. And, apparently, the other woman is complaining about not seeing him enough either. But I don't know if she mentioned me to her. If he didn't, it's probably easier for her to have a good time with him. She doesn't have to ****ing worry like I do. It looks like I'm probably a pain in the ass for him because my perspective now is different and it makes me act differently. If she doesn't know what is happening, of course he'll probably have a better time with her. Seriously, I just don't feel like being in a competition right now. It makes me sick.

 

As I mentioned, I am not planning on contacting him. But I know it will be hard if he does contact me. However, I don't even know if I'll ever hear from him again because of the fact that he blew me off last night. Perhaps it's better that way. I guess I just need people to tell me he isn't worth it so I can stay strong if he indeed contacts me back. Because I know I'll just end up being hurt more. But this is hard. I keep thinking about him and how he must have a better time with her.

[snowflakes88]

You should stop looking at it as a competition between you and this other woman. He's probably still looking to meet other people, so I'm sure there will be other women added to the "competition" soon. What will you do then? Also, I don't want to sound harsh, but it sounds like you've spent more time having sex than actually getting to know each other, which is a huge mistake. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like he is very interested in getting to know you as a person. If he was, he would call you in-between dates and make an effort to have real getting-to-know-you conversations. And the last thing - to the extent it's a "competition" between you and the other woman, I don't even think you'd be "in the running" if you didn't initiate contact with him so much. He actually doesn't sound that into you at all, which should make it easy to move on. Like the other posted said above, you are more infatuated with what he could be if actually treated you the way you want than with the person he actually is.

 

Also, having sex isn't a date. Raise your expectations.

[Zebrelle]

You should stop looking at it as a competition between you and this other woman. He's probably still looking to meet other people, so I'm sure there will be other women added to the "competition" soon. What will you do then? Also, I don't want to sound harsh, but it sounds like you've spent more time having sex than actually getting to know each other, which is a huge mistake. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like he is very interested in getting to know you as a person. If he was, he would call you in-between dates and make an effort to have real getting-to-know-you conversations. And the last thing - to the extent it's a "competition" between you and the other woman, I don't even think you'd be "in the running" if you didn't initiate contact with him so much. He actually doesn't sound that into you at all, which should make it easy to move on. Like the other posted said above, you are more infatuated with what he could be if actually treated you the way you want than with the person he actually is.

 

Also, having sex isn't a date. Raise your expectations.

 

He told me he stopped looking for new dates after he met me. He said he met the other woman a bit before me, around the same time. It's true we had sex often. Well, it happened three times. But we always had conversations before AND after sex. It's just like it was just sex. The conversation has always been okay. It's just last time we saw each other it was different. I think it's because I was more distant, more on my guards. I think the other woman pressured to see him more as well and I think he's starting to feel tired of being so "busy". He's the one who contacted me last time and asked me out. That's why I'm saying he could contact me again and ask me out again. I know it'll be hard to refuse, but I know it's better. I don't think he would stop talking to me just like that, but it's possible. I could never hear from him again.

 

I guess I know it's probably not worth it, but I can't help it. I feel so depressed. I know I'm probably blinded by my emotions and my dreams, but it just makes me sick.

[dasein]

Agree with what Cee posted, other than the "you deserve better" part because I don't see that this man has mistreated you in any way, you are simply not on the same page. Once you change your behavior to not move so fast before making sure you and a specific man are on the same page, THEN you deserve better. Until you make a choice not to become emotionally and physically invested prematurely, you will find the results are the same.

 

But I imagine you are more interested in trying to turn this situation around, that's why most people come here. One way to do this is to continue enlarging your social life to include others and other activities until you feel your level of involvement with this man is on par with his involvement with you. This attacks the problem from two directions by giving him a chance to miss you, for his feelings to grow, while cooling down your level of emotional involvement simultaneously. Best wishes.

[Zebrelle]

Agree with what Cee posted, other than the "you deserve better" part because I don't see that this man has mistreated you in any way, you are simply not on the same page. Once you change your behavior to not move so fast before making sure you and a specific man are on the same page, THEN you deserve better. Until you make a choice not to become emotionally and physically invested prematurely, you will find the results are the same.

 

But I imagine you are more interested in trying to turn this situation around, that's why most people come here. One way to do this is to continue enlarging your social life to include others and other activities until you feel your level of involvement with this man is on par with his involvement with you. This attacks the problem from two directions by giving him a chance to miss you, for his feelings to grow, while cooling down your level of emotional involvement simultaneously. Best wishes.

 

I don't even know if he still wants to see me at this point anyway because he cancelled the plan. It wouldn't bother me as much if he wasn't seeing someone else. But because of that it changes everything. He clearly didn't want to see me. Perhaps he was just tired, but if it was the case, he should have just told me instead. If he didn't want to see me last night, why would he want to see me again? Why would he start to miss me a week later?

[eerie_reverie]

I don't even know if he still wants to see me at this point anyway because he cancelled the plan. It wouldn't bother me as much if he wasn't seeing someone else. But because of that it changes everything. He clearly didn't want to see me. Perhaps he was just tired, but if it was the case, he should have just told me instead. If he didn't want to see me last night, why would he want to see me again? Why would he start to miss me a week later?

 

Why does it matter?

 

He's not into you... move on.

[eerie_reverie]

I don't mean to sound harsh, but what were you thinking going over to his place for the second date...? You met this guy online, he is essentially a stranger... you are not demonstrating an understanding of your value if you let some dude you don't even know call you up to bang you on such short notice.

[Zebrelle]

We saw each other once a week for a month. It's not like I don't care about him. But, yes, why does it matter? He doesn't care anyway.

[snowflakes88]

Once a week for a month is not a lot at all, especially if you're not talking in between. And eerie is right... hopping into bed with him on the second "date" was a terrible idea, especially if you're interested in a real relationship.

[Zebrelle]

Once a week for a month is not a lot at all, especially if you're not talking in between. And eerie is right... hopping into bed with him on the second "date" was a terrible idea, especially if you're interested in a real relationship.

 

We slept together on the third date. We only kissed on the second date.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh good, yeah...right. That makes ALL the difference....

[snowflakes88]

Oh good, yeah...right. That makes ALL the difference....

 

LOL right. Replace "second" with "third" - same opinion. Still waaaay too early if you're a person who gets attached quickly. Correct me if I'm wrong... but the way you explained it makes it sound like you had no contact between meetings, other than to set up the next meeting (mostly by you). If that's true, you didn't know him well enough to be having sex so early. I'm all for doing what makes you happy, but it sounds like you want something substantial, not a casual fling. If you do, I would suggest holding off on sex until you get to know the person. I bet you wouldn't be so ga-ga over him if you hadn't started sleeping with him already.

[Mme. Chaucer]

So, is this the same guy from your August post, or a different one? If different, you might want to take a look at your pattern ...

[snowflakes88]

^^^ Oh, good call. Zebrelle, this looks like the 2nd time in like 3 months you've basically jumped straight into bed with a man you don't know that well and then been shocked/hurt when things don't turn out the way you expected. Are you even having sex with these men because you really want to? Or because you feel like you have to in order to gain/keep their interest?