Did I make the right choice?

[missjones]

Hi all, I'm new to LS although I have been reading posts in this section of the site for a while and its helped me.. Bit of background to my 'relationship' with MM..started around a year ago about 2 months before his W was due to give birth to their first child..yes I know what your all thinking..what was I thinking- wrong on so many levels etc etc..well I guess I wasn't thinking, and this has without doubt been the most foolish situation I've ever got myself into (and I usually consider myself to be sensible and level headed...) anyways we started out as friends - at work, who got along well and as the old cliche goes, we just found ourselves in the position that we were..

 

He pursued me (said he'd liked me for a long time etc etc) and made it very clear at the start of things that he wasn't happy and hadn't been for a long time in his marriage..which I guess begs the question as to why he didn't walk away rather than bringing a child into the mix, to which his only response was "I thought it would make things better between us - i.e. him and wife"..

 

Anyways, just want to be clear at this point that our relationship has not been sexual - although clearly we have been 'physical' with one another on a number of occasions..we were in contact nearly everyday (texting) and would maybe meet up once a week..we've also only actually spent one night together..I guess what I'm saying is our 'affair' has been very much emotional rather than sexual/physical..

 

I've fallen for this guy in a big way and I do believe that had it not been for his daughter he would have left his wife to be with me a long time ago (and I do believe this when he tells me that). Throughout our relationship he has constantly told me that he wants to be with me and that his relationship with his wife is so bad (i.e arguing, not communicating etc) that he doesn't want his daughter growing up in that environment..however he also made it very clear at the start of things between us that he wouldn't walk out on his child until she was at least 6-12 months old.

 

Anyways to cut a long story short I ended the relationship about 2 months ago and have been trying NC ever since (although we've had the odd text here and there). My reason for ending this was that I couldn't cope with knowing he was going home playing happy families every night after work and I was going back to an empty house - regardless of how bad he says things are between them..I guess I felt he was saying all the nice, right things, but not following through. His daughter is coming up 1..

 

I know what I've done is wrong and I can't even imagine how I would feel if I was in his wife's shoes. Clearly this has influenced my decision to end things too as I know its not fair on her. However, I do believe that if 2 people love each other (and he no longer loves his wife - as he says he doesn't) and if you truly believe this person is the one - which we both believe each other to be, then we should be together. (I'm guessing some might find that comment controversial..)

 

Despite walking away, I do still love him and I've never felt this way about any man in my life. He says he still loves me and still wants this, but just wishes I could have given him more time to sort things..

 

I guess what Im finding hard is given that our situation has never really been brought to a conclusion, Im struggling to know whether Ive made the right choice to end it with him or not. Should I have given him more time? How long do you wait for 'the one'? Am I being unreasonable or is he in expecting me to wait until the time is right for him?

 

welcome honest responses...

 

Thanks

[ShyFrigidSkeptic]

You totally made the right choice. It will be hard to get over him but hang in there....

[missjones]

Thanks for your response shyfrigidskeptic...can you ellaborate?

[woinlove]

I think you did the right thing because you say that you think the deception and his treatment of the soon-to-be and now new mother was and is wrong. It is worth a lot to live your life in a way to feel good about yourself and your choices. You do not want to contaminate an R with someone who might be "the one" for you with such bad behavior, essentially encouraging him to behave bad by continuing to see him, knowing he is behaving badly to see you. That then becomes part of your common history and bond - rather than building it on positive things that make you feel good about yourself and each other.

 

He originally said he would not leave until his daughter was 6-12 months old, and it seems you gave him that time and he still hasn't told his W the truth, moved toward separation and divorce. If you continued to be with him, there is a (small?) chance he would leave, but them you might end up being like some of the stories we read here, where you are together, still have guilt and bad feelings about how others were treated in getting to where you are, have hit the stage where, like all Rs, it takes work and commitment to weather the rough spots even with "the one", and wish you just had a more positive, ethical, kinder start to your R and wonder if you stay together out of guilt or feeling you owe him something because he gave up his family. In other words, you might one day end up wondering if all that wrong behavior was worth it or not.

 

I think it is better to leave him to sort things out with his family in his own way, and hopefully, in a much kinder and more honest way than he has been. If he does end up single and available and if you and he are both still interested, then you could start anew, knowing that although you did something wrong earlier, you wised up and worked hard to do better, so you both have that to be proud of. Your R might have a better chance of long-term success in that case.

 

Having said all that, leaving someone you love, and feeling you never got to see what could be, is very difficult, even if it is the right thing to do.

[frozensprouts]

Hi all, I'm new to LS although I have been reading posts in this section of the site for a while and its helped me.. Bit of background to my 'relationship' with MM..started around a year ago about 2 months before his W was due to give birth to their first child..

from what i understadn, many affairs start when the wife is pregnant. i read once that it's because the man suddenly feels "tied down" and wants, evem in a small way, some of his freedom back. not sure if i agree with that being a cause or not

yes I know what your all thinking..what was I thinking- wrong on so many levels etc etc..well I guess I wasn't thinking, and this has without doubt been the most foolish situation I've ever got myself into (and I usually consider myself to be sensible and level headed...) anyways we started out as friends - at work, who got along well and as the old cliche goes, we just found ourselves in the position that we were..

 

sorry, but you didn't just find yourselves there ... you and he both made choices that got you there

 

 

He pursued me (said he'd liked me for a long time etc etc) and made it very clear at the start of things that he wasn't happy and hadn't been for a long time in his marriage..which I guess begs the question as to why he didn't walk away rather than bringing a child into the mix, to which his only response was "I thought it would make things better between us - i.e. him and wife"..

 

think about that for a minute...things are so bad at home that he decided to rbing a child into it and subject them to that. that tells me either he's lying about how bad things are, or he's not capable of seeing beyond his own needs. if you were in a bad marriage would you help create a child who will have to loive in such a bad environment? and if he is telling the truth about his motives about behind helping create this child, he starting chetaing with you while she was pregnant...he didn't even give the child the "chnace" to make his marriage better. to me, that sounds pretty lame.

 

Anyways, just want to be clear at this point that our relationship has not been sexual - although clearly we have been 'physical' with one another on a number of occasions..we were in contact nearly everyday (texting) and would maybe meet up once a week..we've also only actually spent one night together..I guess what I'm saying is our 'affair' has been very much emotional rather than sexual/physical..

 

desn't change anything about his behavior, does it?

 

I've fallen for this guy in a big way and I do believe that had it not been for his daughter he would have left his wife to be with me a long time ago (and I do believe this when he tells me that). Throughout our relationship he has constantly told me that he wants to be with me and that his relationship with his wife is so bad (i.e arguing, not communicating etc) that he doesn't want his daughter growing up in that environment..however he also made it very clear at the start of things between us that he wouldn't walk out on his child until she was at least 6-12 months old.

 

okay...this jumps right out at me... serriosly, think about what he is saying here...his relationship is so horrible that he doesn't want his daughter in it, yet he plans on leaving her when she's 6 to 12 months old? come on, even with rose colored glasses on, you can't miss seeing that

 

Anyways to cut a long story short I ended the relationship about 2 months ago and have been trying NC ever since (although we've had the odd text here and there). My reason for ending this was that I couldn't cope with knowing he was going home playing happy families every night after work and I was going back to an empty house - regardless of how bad he says things are between them..I guess I felt he was saying all the nice, right things, but not following through. His daughter is coming up 1..

 

good for you. it sounds like you have done the right thing

 

I know what I've done is wrong and I can't even imagine how I would feel if I was in his wife's shoes. Clearly this has influenced my decision to end things too as I know its not fair on her. However, I do believe that if 2 people love each other (and he no longer loves his wife - as he says he doesn't) and if you truly believe this person is the one - which we both believe each other to be, then we should be together. (I'm guessing some might find that comment controversial..)

 

please take those rose colored glasses off right now:laugh: and think about the way he is treating you, his iwfe, and his child. look at his behavior and words objectively...does he still seem like such a "catch"?

 

Despite walking away, I do still love him and I've never felt this way about any man in my life. He says he still loves me and still wants this, but just wishes I could have given him more time to sort things..

 

so how long does he expect you to patiently wait for him, while he gets to have full bennifit of having both you and his wife and family? is he freally ttraeting anyone in this situation well other than himself?

 

I guess what Im finding hard is given that our situation has never really been brought to a conclusion, Im struggling to know whether Ive made the right choice to end it with him or not. Should I have given him more time? How long do you wait for 'the one'? Am I being unreasonable or is he in expecting me to wait until the time is right for him?

 

again, take a good , cold hard look at him, his situation, his words, his actions, and yourself. my honest opinion is that he wants to have it all... his wife and family and you on the side.

 

welcome honest responses...

 

Thanks

 

 

please find my responses in bold. I'm sorry if i was harsh, and i know you are probably feeling hurt and confused right now.

 

i just really think that he is lying to you, and probably to himself...things were so bad in their marraige that he thought exposing a child to that would be a good idea? Things are so bad that he doesn't want his child exposed to it, but he says he'll walk out when she 6 to 12 months old?

 

come on... look at that objectively? does that make any sense?

 

i think he is the type of guy who just can't seem to be happy with what he has. he knows that being the other woman doesn't sit well with you and that are able to empathize with his wife, so he makes his wife and marriage out to be really bad. that way you;ll rationalize away all of your misgivings and stay in the affair ( or at least that's what he thought)

 

i know that we'd all like to think that our situations are somehow unique and that there are factors that somehow make our situation special...but ( and i'm not trying to be cruel when i say this) most are not. read the forums on here and in the infidelity section, and you'll see what i mean. this guy seems to have taken a page from "the cheaters handbook" ( i sometimes think there must really be one out there, as so many married men and women use the same lines)

 

i am sorry that you are in this place right now, but i think you made the right choice, and that once alittle more time passes you'll feel that way too. there's lots of advice on here on how to get through this , and i bet you'll find lots of things on here that are helpful to you

 

best of luck to you ( and sorry for being so long winded in my respnse:))

[missjones]

Thanks to both your replies - and Frozensprouts - no you weren't too harsh, and although it still really hurts, its good to hear it as it is..

 

Six months ago I was at the point where I was giving him ultimatums and making demands of him in terms of timescales, and I know now that was wrong and didn't achieve anything. As you say woinlove, what kind of relationship would I have had with this man that was so riddled with guilt and deception, even if he had left under those circumstances.

 

I've realised now, and it has taken time, that if he wants to end his marriage - because he no longer loves his wife and it isn't working, then he has to do it because he wants to and because he believes its the right thing to do. I shouldn't, and ultimately don't want to, be an influence in that decision.

 

I guess if he's that unhappy and knows it can't work then the reality of not being able to see his daughter every day is something he'll have to decide whether he wants to accept or not..knowing how much he adores his little girl, I know that will be tough, but at the end of the day, its his call.

 

The last time we were in contact I told him that I still loved him and that if he was ever single and in a position to be in a proper relationship with me then great, we would do it, but as things stand it was just wrong and impossible - and not fair on anyone. I asked him to leave me alone so that I could get my life back together after all this and find happiness again. To date, he has respected this request.

 

I guess time will tell if this is ever meant to be or not... in the meantime any coping tactics would be greatly appreciated!

 

Thanks.

[ShyFrigidSkeptic]

I'm back after a few days' hiatus...

 

Miss Jones, you made the right decision to end the relationship. It had no future. I know someone who's been dating a mrried man for 10 YEARS, allt he while waiting for him to leave his 'very unhappy marriage.' Dont waste your time - find someone available in the first plaec, and if it's a married man, then let him end HIS relationship first, before getting involved with him. After all, if he was as unhappy as he made out, it wouldnt be hard to do....

 

Secondly, even if this man did leave his wife, there's no guarantee he wouldnt cheat on you. Past behavior i s the best predictor of future behavior.

 

As Frozen Sprouts said, a lot of married men cheat when their wives are pregnant, for some reason this is a common occurence, and it may be that your ex-lover was repulsed by his wife's pregnant body and found you, who he fell for, but after the birth when his wife wasnt so hormonal and bloated anymore, the attraction between he and her rekindled. It must be hard to think about that but it could be true.

 

Lastly, when all is said and done, do you really want someone who would abandon his wife and kid? That he would do that says VOLUMES about his commitment and character. Easier said, I know, but consider yourself as deserving the best - not sloppy seconds.

 

I hope this helps, Miss Jones. Try and stay strong, go out and socialize and meet people and accept dates even when you dont feel like it. That way you will be distracted and not think about him too much. I once had a one year relationship that took 5 years to get over - I was navel gazing and feeling sorry for myself instead of going out and having fun. Dont let the same thing happen to you.

 

Hope this helps.

[missjones]

Thanks guys. What you say has helped, but I still have hard days - like today, when after nearly a month of no contact, he emails me out of the blue saying that he hopes Im happy with the choice I made - i.e. to end it..he made it clear when I called it day that it wasn't what he wanted and that he wishes I could have given him more time because he always wanted us to be together...its hard to let go when you think there is a chance he isn't that bad guy after all and just a guy who is coming to terms with an incredibly hard decision..

 

thoughts?

[whichwayisup]

Thanks guys. What you say has helped, but I still have hard days - like today, when after nearly a month of no contact, he emails me out of the blue saying that he hopes Im happy with the choice I made - i.e. to end it..he made it clear when I called it day that it wasn't what he wanted and that he wishes I could have given him more time because he always wanted us to be together...its hard to let go when you think there is a chance he isn't that bad guy after all and just a guy who is coming to terms with an incredibly hard decision..

 

thoughts?

 

Bottomline is, those who truly want out, DO divorce. Saying he's staying because of his child and he'll leave when his kid is 6-12 months old is a crap excuse..

 

If he divorces and works out custody arrangements, has time to adjust to the changes etc., and he contacts you, then date him and get to know him out of the affair dynamic. DOn't wait for him though. Live your life.

[Hazyhead]

Thanks guys. What you say has helped, but I still have hard days - like today, when after nearly a month of no contact, he emails me out of the blue saying that he hopes Im happy with the choice I made - i.e. to end it..he made it clear when I called it day that it wasn't what he wanted and that he wishes I could have given him more time because he always wanted us to be together...its hard to let go when you think there is a chance he isn't that bad guy after all and just a guy who is coming to terms with an incredibly hard decision..

 

thoughts?

 

Stay strong! Reiterate your position and don't fall back to him - you've done so well! I understand what you're going through, but I agree with wwiu - if he takes the steps necessary to be with the woman he claims he loves, then see where it goes, but you deserve nothing more than commitment.

 

But you must continue with your life. Don't put it on the shelf whilst you wait to see what he does - I did that for some time and never moved forward (my situation is not a million miles away from yours). But for a while now, I've lived for me. He still tells me he wants me and is still making changes to his life but the affair dynamic is not for me. Not any more.

 

If one day he's free - Go for it. But in the meantime live your life.

 

Hazy x