Kage111 Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 First fight after barely a month of dating... hooray... Gonna vent/seek advice because I have to release some of this anger... So, since my last girlfriend cheated on me, I've been a little more wary of committing to anyone, so I decided with this new girl I was gonna take it very slow... no labels, let everything just happen at the right pace... So in three weeks we went on about 10 dates. #9 was the one we really held hands. #10 we finally kissed. (See? VERY slow) And on #11 she felt it was necessary to have "the talk" because she was confused about what we were. Turns out, after I said I didn't want to label it and just keep doing what we were doing, she said she just came off a bad relationship and she wasn't ready for another one so soon... Sounds perfect, just what I wanted, right? So she gets me thinking suddenly... "So what are we??" (I know, I'm a hypocrite...) I flat out tell her if this isn't going anywhere, I don't want to do it. And she keeps saying it is going somewhere, she wants it to, just give it some time, blah blah blah... and we say goodbye. We then end up going out two days later. It was my birthday and I didn't tell her because I didn't think we were anything serious. For some reason she got very upset, saying how she was "the one person that should've known!" So now... we are together? She takes me out for a drink and then we meet up with my friends. We get very close, I hold her when we were all outside talking and we kiss goodnight. One more date, similar scenario. Everything happens like that^ again. I'm enjoying this once more. Finally tonight, we were going to go out, I'm excited to see my "girlfriend?" and suddenly, we have "the talk" again! How she doesn't want people to get the wrong idea... and how we clearly have something... and how she doesn't want to end up hurting me... and how much she wants to see me... And I get frustrated because I have no idea what the eff she is trying to say. So clearly, I've let myself fall for her. It sucks. I tried to keep my distance but somehow, it snuck past me. So it is INCREDIBLY hard for me to justify closing the book on this whole thing. When I think of her I always think how she would be perfect if not for this "tiny" problem...
dasein Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 It can be like walking a tightrope. Consider not setting the pace as "slow" or "fast" but based on what you want. If you want to kiss the girl, kiss her. If she responds poorly and puts you off, decide if it's worth your while to try again, or if you simply want different things. The problem arises when you get to the stage you are at, desires have been repressed to such an extent that there's pressure and frustration in the air, and those are attraction killers. The only way to keep those from building is to avoid moderating your desires to fit some artificial agenda or pace. Do it when you feel it and it becomes less of a big deal. If she doesn't respond, no biggie, you haven't invested a whole bunch of time and effort. But you will find they start responding better when faced with a man who expresses his desires in a natural way without pressure or drama. Another way of saying it is to not care too much. They respond to being led, if you don't overthink and make too big a deal of things, they will usually follow your lead and respond likewise, provided the initial attraction is there. Sorry this is kind of muddled, hope it helps.
ZachNormand Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 You said you want to take things slow, that's perfectly fine. But even slowly, 'things' should move and not remain still. That's the feeling that I get from your story, that things are just stagnant and not moving. All women are not the same, if you have gone out with her for quite a while, you should begin to understand the girl you are with, and start building some trust in that person. If the 'talk', keeps coming up now, there's probably a good reason, and i mean a GOOD reason. Anyway, if you feel like talking to somebody, feel free to PM or get in touch... Take care
Author Kage111 Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 Thanks guys. Good advice. I guess I'll try harder not to obsess about this... It might have to do with one of my close friends just started dating a girl about a week ago and maybe I might be unconsciously competing with him. Though that sounds really petty... Seeing her in a few hours, hopefully I don't make it awkward. We had a long talk after our "fight" and agreed to just let things happen at their own pace. I'm still a little worried I may think our current pace is ahead of where we really are... but like you said, if it feels natural, I should just do it. She hasn't rejected anything I've done so far, and I'm more happy now than I was when I was completely alone... Granted this happiness comes with short bursts of sadness/anger, but it's better than the 24/7 apathy I used to have.
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