Eeesh Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 Hey there. My boyfriend of one year broke up with me this past Saturday with the excuse of him needing to find himself as an individual. He mentioned multiple times that he does want to be with me, he just isn't sure he has the faith in us right now for us to get back together anytime soon. He mentioned that he still loves me very much and would like to stay in contact through the hard times because we are both basically going through the same heartache. He basically said splitting up wasn't his first choice and that it certainly was not a greener pastures decision; it was what felt right in his heart. I obviously disagreed. We have talked a bit since the break up, more me being a little more than desperate with wanting to get back together with him and him just repeatedly saying, "it's okay; it's what I'm here for" before needing to duck out of the conversation because I begin asking about our potential. He feels that he needs to work on himself to become stronger for us, yet he isn't sure if there will be an "us." Each time I called he would just say that I am my own world and I need to simply put faith in myself because we don't have the ability to get back together right now. He kept using "now now, but in the future" to the point where this false sense of hope pooled its way into the pit of my stomach, further driving my want to get back together with him. :/ We both had just gotten out of long term relationships by the time we had gotten together, and had been good friends for the five years leading up to our initial union. I truly feel like this guy is my soulmate and I really want us to have the chance of getting back together. I called him last night and basically said that despite him not minding hearing from me I would rather wait out him getting into contact with me once he is ready to discuss our relationship again. I know that is putting him in a ****ty position, but why if he wants so badly for us to be together will he not allow us to? To give a little more insight: Things became rocky between him and I two months ago once we both started the Fall semester. He switched from an English major to an Architect major, so his stress level obviously fluctuated. We had been arguing pretty regularly up until this point; me feeling mainly like he was shutting himself off emotionally because he wasn't sure how to handle the stress. The best way he described it to me a few weeks ago, is that this anxiety of failing the fall semester arrested him once he gotten a midterm back that he didn't do so well on. For him to be able to handle and keep the fear at bay, he needed to put a cap on all of his emotions, including our relationship causing us to suffer directly. I will admit that I haven't been the happiest I have been, and he has admitted to not treating me well and that being another reason for wanting to fix himself, but i feel like this is something we could possibly fix together. and yet I am completely understanding as to why he needs time and space. We have talked pretty thoroughly about things and there is no one else involved. He said that during this time he isn't looking for anything romantic, just working on himself. Any help would be welcomed. Do you think we will eventually get back together?
BCCA Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 Eh, I'll be honest. It sounds pretty typical. You can bet that whatever reason he gave for breaking up is not the whole truth, and that there are several other factors that you might not even be aware of. With that said, its a basic 'its not you, its me' split excuse. Pretty weak, actually, and nonsense if you think about it. Why on earth would you let someone go out there and be single if you saw value in keeping that person in a relationship? You wouldnt. I think he's trying to be nice, and not feel so guilty, but I get the distinct feeling youre being led on. I would just pull back completely, ignore anything he says that isnt 'I want you back!' and just assume its over. Listen, I know it sucks, and it sounds like Im being a jerk, but I dont mean it that way, and Im just telling you as someone whose read probably 500+ stories like this, they usually dont pan out. Id just hate to see you waste too much time.
Author Eeesh Posted November 4, 2011 Author Posted November 4, 2011 No, you don't sound like a jerk at all! This entire situation has been an excuse on his part simply because he found running away from problems much easier than dealing with them. The thing that has me so ruffled about most of this is the days leading up to this were virtually fine. We even spent most of Friday decorating for a Halloween party. On Saturday the conversation started out lighthearted and fine, but I had a very grueling day at work and let slip that I was annoyed with him for this nonsensical argument we had late friday night, and both apologized for with the both of us saying, "I love you so dearly, blah blah." It was like the break up was a knee jerk reaction to him just being fed up with fighting. So, yeah. I'm a little more pissed at his lack of commitment than hurt to be very honest, lol. It just sucks that this past year feels like a waste now when I could have moved on and met someone who would value me much more despite stress being a factor.
Author Eeesh Posted November 4, 2011 Author Posted November 4, 2011 He also mentioned wanting to marry me and that there was no getting over me, so idk. Maybe he truly does want to better himself for the future, but whatever. It's the day five and the second day of NC and to be honest I'm feeling a loooot better than when we were still talking.
BCCA Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 Just remember that actions speak louder than words. What he's telling you doesnt match up with what he's doing; truth be told, you dont break up with someone and expect them to hang around, waiting for you to 'figure it out' (whatever that means to him). I think he's trying to let you down slowly, and move on. Remember, he also has to deal with the loss, just from a different angle. He wanted this, but its still hard to deal with losing someone you loved, no matter what. Just stay NC until his words match his actions. If he truly wants you back, he'll go through hell in a gasoline suit to find you. And nothing is a waste, its a learning experience. Next time, which I hope there never is one but Im just saying, youll see things much clearer for having been through this.
confused kitty Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 This time last week I was in your exact situation, due to pretty identical reasons/excuses.. The best piece of advice I can offer you, is to try not to keep replaying everything in your head - Trust me I know this is Alot easyer said than done... I, just like you kept thinking of all the things he once said, all the promises he made (he too told me he wanted to marry me) get a place of our own in the New Year etc... I just couldnt understand how he could go from saying all this, to then being so confused and needing to sort his life out and focus on himself.. We stayed in contact as "friends" for a little over a week, most of which I spent hounding him for answers to all these questions I had, but he had none... This confused and infuriated me even further - I tryed asking all the same questions in 100 different ways and still got no answers... I couldnt sleep, because my mind just wouldnt stop racing - I was exhausted and walking around all day like a bloody zombie, couldnt concentrate or focus on anything else but him and all the answers he couldnt give me! This went on for roughly 10days - then I decided screw this Im going to give myself a mental breakdown (and I truely believe I was heading that way) I started NC and day 1 was a nightmare ( you could easily find some of my posts on here, I was a mental case for sure looking back now) I cryed myself to sleep that night and then woke up with this amazingly calm feeling - sure I missed him terribly etc but I strangely had no desire to call him, I decided I would give him the "space" he wanted so badly and if he wanted to talk hed call me..... Same thing for day 3 - calmness and no desire to contact him. Well that as far as I got because he then contacted me.. - The rest of my story is irrelevent here, but my point is - stop torturing yourself with all the things he once said and stop trying to get answers that he cant give you.. Who knows whats going through his mind - but worrying yourself over it wont help the situation any. Stick with NC I know its tough but it really does help, and just focus on you, be nice to yourself and do things you enjoy doing... Stop thinking about him and waiting for him to call, if he wants to contact you he will - and it will be when you least expect it... Stay strong * hugs
itsmewren Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 just like everyone else said, whatever you do, definitely definitely stick with no contact! I so wish I had found this forum last year! hahah really though.. no contact is best for so many reasons. and remember that, no matter what happens, you will get through this and you will be happy again (:
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