If you can't hold a conversation with anyone, does that mean you're doomed?

[Ross MwcFan]

As far as dating and relationships go?

[ksmit]

No, you just need to find someone else who can't hold a conversation.

 

But really, this is a skill that can be improved with shifts in thinking + practice. How much effort have you put into improving this skill?

[Ross MwcFan]

No, you just need to find someone else who can't hold a conversation.

 

But really, this is a skill that can be improved with shifts in thinking + practice. How much effort have you put into improving this skill?

 

I haven't put in any effort yet, as I've only just realised that maybe I can't hold conversations with anyone.

 

But I am going to do some research online and try and improve my converation skills.

 

The weird thing is, is that I can totally hold a conversation when speaking in text, but for some reason I find it a lot harder when actually speaking, even if I don't really feel shy at all. So the former shows that the skills must be there in me somewhere. Maybe it's just a confidence thing, or maybe when speaking in text, it gives you enough time to gather your thoughts more, explain things properly? I dunno.

[OneFootOut]

I think that depends on why you can't. Speech problems? easily distracted? sign language? nothing to talk about? not focussed? language barrier? etc..

 

What's the issue?

[Ross MwcFan]

I think that depends on why you can't. Speech problems? easily distracted? sign language? nothing to talk about? not focussed? language barrier? etc..

 

What's the issue?

 

I just can't think of much to say a lot of the time. And when I'm asked questions about stuff, I just naturally don't elaborate that much and just give 2 or 3 word answers, without even thinking. I think even if I did consciously think to myself to elaborate more, that I would find it very hard to do so.

[OneFootOut]

The weird thing is, is that I can totally hold a conversation when speaking in text, but for some reason I find it a lot harder when actually speaking, even if I don't really feel shy at all. So the former shows that the skills must be there in me somewhere. Maybe it's just a confidence thing, or maybe when speaking in text, it gives you enough time to gather your thoughts more, explain things properly? I dunno.

 

Now I get it. I'm actually the same way, but its because I often trip over my words or say things wrong due to some problems I have. I think a lot of people who mainly communicate online or through text tend to just get 'out of practice' having real conversations.

 

Maybe you just need to practice? Start reading outloud, talking to those you are comfortable with, your family, dog, cat, or house plant. Or start saying outloud everything you type or text Unless of course you are in an office or something!

[OneFootOut]

I just can't think of much to say a lot of the time. And when I'm asked questions about stuff, I just naturally don't elaborate that much and just give 2 or 3 word answers, without even thinking. I think even if I did consciously think to myself to elaborate more, that I would find it very hard to do so.

 

You know, the one date I have been on in the last couple years commented that I was just too quiet. I thought I had talked quite a bit for me, and actually he had talked so much and so constant that there wasn't much room for me to jump in. He really didn't ask me anything to get a response either. I did ask him a few things, and he talked a half hour without taking a breath each time he answered

 

I don't think you are doomed. If it does hinder your dates, it may be that you give the impression you are just not interested, because you don't get more involved with the convo, and only give 2 or 3 word responses. Your date may feel like they are boring you and you seem to want to be anywhere else but with them. Know what I mean?

[Ross MwcFan]

You know, the one date I have been on in the last couple years commented that I was just too quiet. I thought I had talked quite a bit for me, and actually he had talked so much and so constant that there wasn't much room for me to jump in. He really didn't ask me anything to get a response either. I did ask him a few things, and he talked a half hour without taking a breath each time he answered

 

I don't think you are doomed. If it does hinder your dates, it may be that you give the impression you are just not interested, because you don't get more involved with the convo, and only give 2 or 3 word responses. Your date may feel like they are boring you and you seem to want to be anywhere else but with them. Know what I mean?

 

Yeah, I know what you mean. That's another thing that I don't like about not being great at holding conversations, because it can come across to the other person that you have a problem with them/are being rude.

 

I do genuinley enjoy having conversations and would like to be able to hold them a lot better anyway, I hate feeling like I'm stuck inside myself, if that makes any sense.

[Star Gazer]

Ross, you know I'm honest.

 

I recently went out on a date with a guy who simply could not carry a conversation. All he did was basically sit back in his chair, stare, sometimes nervously smile, and answer my questions with one or two word answers. There wasn't a natural dialogue, a back-and-forth of sharing, and nothing coming close to banter. This guy is a self-proclaimed smarta$$, and yet he basically can't banter at all.

 

I normally wouldn't do this (and never actually have even had to), but at one point, I asked him if he was always this quiet. He shrugged, and said he preferred to listen because he learns more about a person that way. In response, I told him by not saying anything at all and leaving me feeling like I was talking to myself, I wasn't able to get to learn anything about him. He again shrugged.

 

As a pretty outgoing, talkative person, I take pride in my ability to carry on a lively, fun conversation, even with the shyest person. So this experience was a little like torture for me.

 

You can learn how to converse with people. Start with non-threatening folks: the guy at the deli, a librarian, a family member. Perhaps join a club or meetup group that does an activity you enjoy doing and therefore would enjoy talking about. Just...practice.

[Star Gazer]

Treat your date as if she was a friend and/or a human being--not some unknown dangerous alien organism.

 

Ha! Yes! Don't be threatened. It's a fun, getting-to-know-you-better experience.

[Ilovewater]

It's difficult to get to know another person if you don't have the ability to hold a conversation. I'm normally a shy person in large groups, but I don't have problems holding a conversation one-on-one. Try to relax during your dates and talk like you normally do with your friends. If they make an interesting comment, ask questions. Just go with the flow.

 

Of course, it gets easier with practice, so try to start chit-chats with random strangers and such. I'm not as shy as I used to be because I forced myself to open up more. I actively made myself talk more in group settings (at school, parties, etc.), so that I could become more comfortable in talking to other people. It was uncomfortable at first, but it's getting a lot easier now. You don't have to become a chatterbox, but just being able to hold a conversation with someone you don't know is an excellent skill.

[Ilovewater]

Now I get it. I'm actually the same way, but its because I often trip over my words or say things wrong due to some problems I have. I think a lot of people who mainly communicate online or through text tend to just get 'out of practice' having real conversations.

 

I'm the same way too. I will start speaking in broken sentences and use um every other word when I get extremely nervous. My accent, which is usually undetectable according to my friends, gets out of control. I'm able to control myself better now though.

[cerridwen]

Every post in this thread has exceptional advice.

I want to echo QW's suggestion of being "... at least 'aware' enough of the world that you have at least a passing knowledge or interest in a broad variety of subjects."

So true.

This is easily obtained by reading news, exploring new hobbies, even watching a variety of documentaries and television shows.

All can make you a more well-rounded conversationalist.

Then, as SG said, seize opportunities to practice.

Chat up the clerk as he rings up your groceries.

Expand from there to include the girl who cuts your hair.

Hairstylists are often chatty so take advantage.

Know this is an obtainable skill.

Like any other, it just requires honing.

[LurkerXX]

Do I remember correctly that you have some social anxiety?

 

If that is the case, well what is causing the mental block, is the anxiety. Fear in general wipes clean a lot of nuanced thinking, to prepare you for reacting to danger in a more primal way. So you draw a blank when it comes to conversation. Annoying, eh?

 

I am like that too, at first. It takes me awhile to open up. If I don't practice, I get rusty. Comes from doing a lot of work that is based on conceptualizing things, being naturally an introvert, and having anxiety. Introversion and anxiety are quite a bit different though often lumped together by pop culture.

 

I like to practice by doing sort of banter and stuff in grocery store lines. While at first, being anxious made that difficult for me, it helped over time. Also getting help for my anxiety, over time, did help. If I seem a little too eager to chat, or a little too stifled, no big deal. That is the way to gain insight in being at ease and putting other people at ease with you, rather than tensing them up because you are exuding anxiety, or exuding a stoic wall. Practice in environments that have little consequence.

 

As far as dating, I have been told by friends that I need to be more open from the outset-that I seem more closed in appearance then I really am. I am really a fairly simple, heart-on-my sleeve person relationship-wise; its just that I don't communicate this well early on.

Edited November 4, 2011 by LurkerXX

[LurkerXX]

Although it seems artificial, try to think of a few things in advance. Don't script them too much, just think of some general things, weather, local news, good area sights and some 'you' things-for me topics like birds-and just go for the cool trivia stuff and wait to see if there is a common interest before going deep.

 

Also, one tool I use is before I talk to someone new, I think of the last really good conversation I had with a friend-can be in person, phone, or internet, especially one where we were laughing. The brain can be remarkably easy to trick-you can recapture that mood and use it in a new situation, really just by thinking of it.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I think that all the socializing possible from a keyboard has seriously hindered the development of some social skills for some of us, especially if we're not naturally extroverted at all.

 

Ross, please practice. There are lots of good suggestions here.

 

Honestly, I believe that if you CAN'T hold a conversation with anyone, you ARE doomed, dating-wise. But, I know that you can. You just need to work on it.

[tahoekid]

As far as dating and relationships go?

 

Yes, you're doomed. (Kidding now).

 

I would try to find out before meeting someone at least a few of their interests. Conversation should be like a tennis game where each takes a whack at the fuzzy ball. Find out of she has a dog, what kind, etc. Use that as conversation. Favorite places she has traveled to or wants to travel to. Where she sees herself living in ten years and why... that should be plenty to grease the wheels. A glass or two of wine works too.

[Asian_Hunnie]

Interesting, I don't think you're doomed. My boyfriend isn't a big conversationalist and he can't really hold one all that great. Sometimes we have conversations that flow and are fun but not often this happens. We have a lot of fun other ways like doing things together, cuddling, etc. He says things that are on his mind and we talk about it but it's never like a big deep discussion.

 

Honestly, sometimes it bothers me but I think he has a lot of other great qualities about him that I don't think are worth losing.

[oaks]

As far as dating and relationships go?

 

Maybe not "doomed" but certainly disadvantaged. Luckily the art of conversation is probably something you can learn, or improve.

[Asian_Hunnie]

I think it's odd that a lot of the topics I bring up he has never discussed with anyone or ever thought about like after-life, religion, his parents' divorce, etc. which makes it hard. He can talk about things he's knowledgable about though hehe

[Ross MwcFan]

Thanks for all the help guys. Strangely I think I'm improving already, can't really put my finger on exactly how I am.

[Ross MwcFan]

Do I remember correctly that you have some social anxiety?

 

If that is the case, well what is causing the mental block, is the anxiety. Fear in general wipes clean a lot of nuanced thinking, to prepare you for reacting to danger in a more primal way. So you draw a blank when it comes to conversation. Annoying, eh?

 

I am like that too, at first. It takes me awhile to open up. If I don't practice, I get rusty. Comes from doing a lot of work that is based on conceptualizing things, being naturally an introvert, and having anxiety. Introversion and anxiety are quite a bit different though often lumped together by pop culture.

 

I like to practice by doing sort of banter and stuff in grocery store lines. While at first, being anxious made that difficult for me, it helped over time. Also getting help for my anxiety, over time, did help. If I seem a little too eager to chat, or a little too stifled, no big deal. That is the way to gain insight in being at ease and putting other people at ease with you, rather than tensing them up because you are exuding anxiety, or exuding a stoic wall. Practice in environments that have little consequence.

 

As far as dating, I have been told by friends that I need to be more open from the outset-that I seem more closed in appearance then I really am. I am really a fairly simple, heart-on-my sleeve person relationship-wise; its just that I don't communicate this well early on.

 

Yeah, I do suffer from anxiety, But even when I'm not anxious I can still suck at conversation. I wonder if it's just a confidence thing?

[Jynxx]

But really, this is a skill that can be improved with shifts in thinking + practice. How much effort have you put into improving this skill?

 

Quoted for truth and only right answer

[Ross MwcFan]

Interesting, I don't think you're doomed. My boyfriend isn't a big conversationalist and he can't really hold one all that great. Sometimes we have conversations that flow and are fun but not often this happens. We have a lot of fun other ways like doing things together, cuddling, etc. He says things that are on his mind and we talk about it but it's never like a big deep discussion.

 

Honestly, sometimes it bothers me but I think he has a lot of other great qualities about him that I don't think are worth losing.

 

Thanks, that's really reassuring to know.

[runner]

what do you do for work ? if you're something like a computer programmer where you sit in a cube all day with little to no human interaction, perhaps you can put in some volunteer hours where you have no choice but to talk and interact with people- like at a retirement home. or better yet, take on some part-time work at a pub. practice !