discoqt Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 I'll try to keep this short. I have been dating this guy for a couple of months. Things were going fine then he freaked out for a week. At the beggining things were great. We saw a lot of each other and things were hot and heavy. Well, that led him to second guess everything because he was feeling he was getting too close. A month into dating, he dissappeared for a week. I finally got him to tell me what was going on. He explained that he was getting to close and that some time is what he needed. So, I gave him time. A few days later he was back asking for another chance. After careful consideration, I agreed. We decided that things wouldn't be the same as before. We weren't going to spend so much time together. Since then, we have hardly seen each other at all. Now things are awkward. I want to see him, but I don't want him to think that I'm not willing to give him his free time. He doesn't ask to see me very often if at all either. In the last week, we have spent a total of 1 hour together. Where is the balance? It is one extreme or the other it seems. I just don't know what to do at this point. I have tried to talk to him, but I feel like I am walking on eggshells around him. I'm so afraid he'll freak out again if it seems like I am want to see him. He says he wants to be with me, but at the same time, isn't showing me that. What should I do????
johan Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 He seems like he's pretty screwed up. He should be able to let you in on his secret fears, whatever they are. It doesn't need to be such a mystery. Either he's a crappy communicator or he just doesn't want to see you. I recommend you back off emotionally. You don't have to give up altogether, but he needs to open up.
CurlyIam Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 Say what' on your mind. Say you understand his needing space, but right now what you have is mostly space, not a relationship. So you might want to find a solution between the two. My suggestion is to write him a mail and see how it goes. I think you are both playing the same game . Funny as it is, I don't find it very... satisfying... to either of you.
spanky Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 NO! NO! NO! Do not tell him how you are feeling. I just did that with my perfect man and it scared him even more. He broke up with me. He even told me that is why he broke up with me. I should have kept it all to myself. Spanks
emeraldcity Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 Spanky, If your guy broke up with you because you told him how you were honestly feeling - then he never cared enough about you in the forst place and it was a purely one sided relationship (sorry blunt but true). A relationship is give and take - there has to be a mutual effort on both sides. You should NEVER be afraid of telling your partner how you feel, that is a crucial aspect to communication. If that isn't there - then communication slowly dissolves until you break up for a lack of it. Would you want to spend your life with a man, that you couldn't tell how you really felt? A soulmate is supposed to be there for you through thick and thin - you should be able to tell them anything, and someone who is true to you , will want you to be honest about everything. A good relationship is based on communication and trust. When these factors are not 100%, love is not strong enough to hold the relationship together. Spanky, be honest - if you were back with your ex and you did not even have the freedom to tell him how much he hurt you, wouldn't you feel even the tiniest bit of resentment? You really need to take a look at yourself, because you deserve better. You deserve to have someone put in as much effort into the relationship as you put in. You should be recieving as well as giving. Love often blinds us to reality, and the reality may have been that you ex was incapable of giving you the type of love you needed. This is no ones fault, it just means that, despite being compatible in love, you may not have been compatible in life. You will move on, and you will feel better. One day you will look back on this and realise how much you have learnt. Just realise, that you control your own happiness - nobody else does. You should never give anybody else that power. Love and Peace
LILUIL Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 Originally posted by emeraldcity Spanky, If your guy broke up with you because you told him how you were honestly feeling - then he never cared enough about you in the forst place and it was a purely one sided relationship (sorry blunt but true). true love liberates you! its okay if we realise the guy we are with is not the best for us, then we move on with a lesson well learnt. what's important is the realisation of it.... you are on to something discoqt. why sit and love a jerk that makes you unhappy and thinking you could be better off without him. You'll be doing yourself a great favor by letting him play his dumb charades alone. Move on.... you deserve better.
spanky Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 I apologize. I made a hasty impulsive reply. I just know that the more I beared my soul the relationship grew closer and better until that one last time. We grew closer and closer. Then, ALL Of A SUDDEN......POOF..... It's over! Please help me. My boyfriend of 9 months just broke up with me with no warning. We had a terrifyingly functional relationship. We never argued, if either of us had any concerns we were honest and open with them and always found solutions to the issues at hand. We are both goal oriented, and strive for what we want. We are both mature and stable adults who have both experienced emotional traumas. He jokes that we had found each other in the second-hand bin. He is the man I have dreamed of sharing myself with since I was a little girl. He is the man that I asked God to bring me. It was a dream come true when we found each other. I have a full plate right now in my life because I am a 29 year old, full-time nursing student, mother of a 5 year old and I work 30-40 hours per week. I also contribute to taking care of my handicapped sibling. So, dating is not the #1 priority in my life at this point in time. I made it absolutely clear to him when this relationship started that I have had a VERY rough past and although I'm a tough little cookie I am not willing to fall for someone only to have them rip my heart out and hurt me. My responsibilities are too great for me to have to deal with something like that. I feared I was a rebound because his wife of 1-2 years walked out on him last March and they finalized the divorce in Oct. F.Y.I. (rough past? Death of long-term boyfriend, and 5 year imprisonment of my daughter's father when I was only 4 months pregnant.) Soooo.....He charms me, wines me, dines me, reassures me, confides in me, I confide in him, he makes incredible love to me, and successfully breaks down my guard to the point where I open up like I have never opened up to a man before. I love him dearly, and I completely bared my soul to him. Well, he is military and deploys for months at a time. It's tough but at least we could email all day every day while he was gone. Something changed after this last deployment. I allowed myself to make him one of my priorities in my life and felt as though he wasn't reciprocating. Well, when I confronted him via email he reassured me some more that we had plenty of time and not to rush it. He said our relationship was not disposable. He said he could see my daughter and I in his future and wanted to form a bond with her. I am overprotective of her and I will not incorporate her into any of my relationships with the opposite sex in fear of her feeling abandoned in the event that things don't work out so the two of them are not close. She just knows that Mr so and so makes mommy happy. He even started to prepare me now for the fact that he will be transferred in July 2005 for Graduates school. He wanted me to be willing to continue in a long-term relationship. Well, he came home 1 month ago and and all the hopes that I had built up while he was gone suddenly began to fade because he was acting distant. I confronted him 2 1/2 weeks ago as to what was going on and he said that he needed time to decompress after being on a ship with 250 people. I made a huge mistake by telling him that I am falling in love with him. I also communicated that I knew his emotions were moving at a different pace than mine because he is still wounded from his wife walking out on him and that I was willing to be patient and help him work through whatever he may be dealing with. He addresses all my concerns with grace and says he's willing to give me more of his time. Well, things were wonderful up til 2 weeks ago Fri. By Mother's Day they got really wierd and I'm making a fool of myself by calling him and calling him. He blows me off over and over again. I call and confront him again as to what is wrong. He reluctanly tells me that he is in a "funk" but it has nothing to do with me. Three hours later when I'm wanting talk to him and help him figure put why he feels so "funky," he says that he had been thinking about "us" all week and that my feelings for him were way stronger than his for me. He bluntly blurts out that I just don't light that flame inside of him, and that I just don't do "IT" for him. He did tell me that physically I turned him on unlike any woman ever has before but that he just didn't see any point in continuing a relationship just to see if his emotional feelings would change. I am so devastated, and I can't imagine my life without him. I tried to get him to talk about it but he has completely shut down on me. Not to mention that I know his ex wife has been begging to see him. He said he'd prefer a bullet in the head to being back with her. He's says that he would like to be friends. I've gotta get him back. I love him. He admitted that he doesn't know what he wants right now and I think he's afraid. I also admit that I smothered him with alot of insecurities as to where our relationship was going. PLEASE!!! I need this man in my life. I call him my perfect Mr. Wonderful. Does anyone have any advice? Do you think there's a chance that this will work out?
moimeme Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 His 'funk' may or may not have to do with stuff that happens when he's away and neither of you have control over that. It is a wretched state of affairs that so often one half of a couple will fall for the other and not have those feelings reciprocated. Unfortunately, it sounds as though whatever it is that he's looking for or needs does not seem to be furnished by you. You can't make a person love you, particularly if he's convinced that he doesn't and never will Sorry to sound so discouraging, but some days we're stuck with unpleasant truth.
Sarah_J_uk Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 ok you should read 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'. It explains exactly what just happened. Basically men are on these intimacy cycles that they don't even know about. The chapter is called 'men are like elastic bands'. they get very close and then freak cos thats not comfortable. they need a lil time of being away - stretching away - but still being with you (as a title). Then, when fully stretched, they need to come back. they ping back with loads of energy and love. this apparently happens all the time, like for each guy its different. Some may do it every week and others do it once a year. I hope that helps. i might have got what you said all wrong? i dunno.
Bojickwoman Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 Spanky, I am dealing with almost the exact same thing right now. We were together for a year and things were going good until I started noticing he was becoming more distant towards me. So I confronted him because in my gutt, I could sense something was off. So, basically he told me that the "spark" from our relationship was gone and that he didn't think he loved me anymore; that he had a lot of stuff to sort out with himself. Like you, this man was my soulmate. We clicked completely and more than anyone I have ever met. I'm trying to give him his space right now and it has been hard. And like you, he said he wanted to remain friends with me. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. As for advise, I can't give you any right now because I'm dealing with the same thing. Hang in there.
Author discoqt Posted May 21, 2004 Author Posted May 21, 2004 Originally posted by Sarah_J_uk ok you should read 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'. It explains exactly what just happened. Basically men are on these intimacy cycles that they don't even know about. The chapter is called 'men are like elastic bands'. they get very close and then freak cos thats not comfortable. they need a lil time of being away - stretching away - but still being with you (as a title). Then, when fully stretched, they need to come back. they ping back with loads of energy and love. this apparently happens all the time, like for each guy its different. Some may do it every week and others do it once a year. I hope that helps. i might have got what you said all wrong? i dunno. That makes perfect sense. I should try to find that book! It is always a 1 or 2 months after I start a relationship with someone that they end up doing the same thing. I always get the same "I'm getting too close" or "I'm falling for you and it scares me" speech. What's a girl to do?!? I can't be any more flexible and understanding than I already am. I ussuallt give them their time. Sometimes they come back, other times they don't. With this one, I'm kinda holding on because I think if he gets his head out of his a$$, then it would be a really good relationship. But, at the same time, waiting for that to happen is causing some unhappiness for me. It is such a dilemma. Spanky- No offence, but I posted this thread to get help with my own relationship problem. You should start your own thread to heed advice. I was excited when I checked on today and saw that I had 10 posts. When I read them half were to you. What a let down! If you post your own thread, I'll be happy to contribute. Just don't steal my thunder on my own thread. To those that offered me advice: Thank you! I really appreciate your insight. I swear, I'll NEVER understand men! GEEZ!!
MsLandon Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 I know you said that you were together for 9 months, but you also said that he gets deployed for long periods of time. If so, I'm wondering how much "real" time did you spend together. I think this is important because many times we idealize people when they aren't around. For instance, a good friend of mine dated this guy for about 2 or 3 years. He was a cop. When they first started dating she was living with her parents (post-divorce) so they really just saw each other on a few evenings (intimacy) and talked on the phone. When she moved out on her own, they broke up within 6 months. She would tell me that she was so in love with him. When I asked her about their relationship, they weren't actually spending any real time together - just lots of phone time. I suggested that she be careful because her feeling of love wasn't based upon any real experience with him, only what she idealized him to be via phone conversations and sharing nice intimate moments. After she moved out she expected him to be at her place all the time. He actually came over to spend the night a few nights a week. She wanted more. She wanted them to be a family and started talking about moving her kids to the city to live with him, when he never made any moves to secure housing for all of them. Then he got laid off. She wanted him to move in with her. He never did. He became nearly impossible to find actually. He told her he was in a funk after loosing his job and would go to a neighboring state to spend weeks on end with his brother. He became more and more distant - not even returning her phone calls. She held up Thanksgiving Dinner at her house for 3 hours waiting for him to come to cut the turkey. He didn't get there till 11pm that night. Eventually she found out that he had been seeing another one of her friends behind her back. He told her that he didn't understand how she could be so in love with him when they didn't really even do anything. For him it was about sex. For her it was about having somebody and sharing tender moments...not about - I love him because he took care of me when I was sick. He reads to my baby when she's afraid to go to sleep because she had a bad dream. He put me before himself when I thought I had no one else to turn to. There are "real" reasons to love people. Now I'm not saying that this is your situation at all. What I'm suggesting is that you take an objective view of your relationship with this man and figure out what it is about him that you love. Set aside all of the warm and fuzzy stuff and take stock of the real situations, occasions and things he did to make you love him. Maybe this will give you some clarity about what happened. I wish you luck.
discoqtdidntsignin Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 >>>Clearing throat<<< ahem.... I know I'm new here but this is ridiculous. People....issue at hand PLEASE! I really need advice on my situation. Granted my problem may not seem as important as Spankys; but, come on, it is MY thread. So, if someone has advice on my situation, I would REALLY appreciate it! Discoqt
Author discoqt Posted May 21, 2004 Author Posted May 21, 2004 I know you said that you were together for 9 months, but you also said that he gets deployed for long periods of time. That doesn't sound anything like my situation. Originally posted by MsLandon I AM referring to you! laughing. I must be dilusional then. My apologies.
spanky Posted May 21, 2004 Posted May 21, 2004 Discoqt, Oh my gosh! I am sooooooo incredibly sorry. Yesterday was my first time on this site and I'm really not sure how it works. I will never do that again. Please forgive me? I really didn't mean to steal your thunder. So does the stuff on this site help? Hey thanks for all the input. Again, I am sorry. Spanks
MsLandon Posted May 22, 2004 Posted May 22, 2004 Originally posted by discoqt That doesn't sound anything like my situation. I must be dilusional then. My apologies. No you aren't dillussional, just a little sarcastic. We are all here trying to learn something and to help one another. There is so much here that I apologize if I mistook one situation for another. You may want to excercise a little patience in general. With him you may want to be patient. Don't get upset because things aren't going exactly the way you want them to go exactly when you want them to go that way. Relationships are two way. It sounds like for a couple of months you guys were with each other constantly. Is that the type of relationship he is accustomed to? Some people need their space...have kids, lifes, friends, work, goals and aspirations that are also important to them and in order to feel whole and most importantly "balanced" they need to to work towards or dedicate time to those things as well. I have no idea if this that type of person, but if he is, he obviously put those things on hold for the past few months to get to know you better. Now it's back to reality. I'm of the belief that in order to have a whole, complete relationship people need to have outside interests and activities. Ever see those couples out to dinner who are sitting across from each other and barely speaking? That's because they have nothing to talk about. Every experience they have - the other person was right there experiencing it too. In order for relationships to grow I think each person has to have something new and interesting to bring to it. You can't do that if you are experiencing the same things at the same times. You are still two separate people and should come together to share. You can't do that when you have nothing new to share. I guess that's the up-side. If he's not one of those people who is fairly independant and likes the same in a woman then he just may be loosing interest or exploring other romantic opportunities while also keeping you on hold as the backup plan because he knows you are into him. Or maybe his feelings aren't where your's are. Sometimes when one persona has more of an emotional investment in the dating situation/relationship than the other does, it makes for a very uncomfortable situation. Regardless of the situation, you should not feel like you have to walk on eggshells around someone you are dating, or afraid to tell them that you want to see them for fear that they will run. If he runs, he was already gone anyway and you just didn't know it. Life is too short to dedicate time to a situation that isn't beneficial for you. And shouldn't relationships be just that? Perhaps you should see if things improve next week...and if it boils down to 1 hour a week again next week then you need to just let him know it's not working for you. You want more. This is also about what YOU want. You deserving happiness and being with someone willing to at least compromise so that everything is equitable. Ya know? Good luck. I hope things turn out positively for you.
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