mkbrownie Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 Many of you already know me as the guy who made a lot of mistakes, but for those who don't, here's a brief overview of my situation: I went to Europe with a couple of buddies over the summer in what was just supposed to be a fun trip to go party. We stayed in a hostel in the Netherlands and for most of the week it was just what I expected. On the final day, however, we met a group of German girls and one instantly caught my eye. It what I could have only described as love at first sight (I know it sounds cheesy and childish) we spent the whole night talking and when we left the next day, I just simply could not forget her. So when I came home, I live in Chicago, I got in contact with her and made an almost fatal mistake. I became an absolute shell of myself. I had never had this strong of a feeling for a girl and felt like if I didn't tell her or didn't talk to her, I was going to explode. So I ended up pushing her away by being obsessive and clingy. She stopped talking to me, and rightfully so. I fully expected her to never talk to me again. But about a week after she stopped talking to me, she came back into my life concerned with how I was doing. We started talking again but it was more of like catching up with an old friend and there was a lot of space between talking. Then things started getting better and we began to talk more and with more frequency. I decided to send her a card for her birthday with nothing special on it just like a way to say I thought of her. She loved it and sent a card back to me for mine. Ever since then things have been amazing. She seems to love to talk to me and I am no longer feeling the obsession and am giving her the space she needs. We are also exchanging letters, which I love (even as a guy). She wants me to visit her in the summer and I, of course, really want to visit her as well. Some of the old issues still remain, however. She still never initiates conversations with me. I don't understand it. She's happy to talk to me and not only responds quickly but also always tells me we will talk soon, but she never initiates and I don't get it. It doesn't make sense because like I told you, she talks to me for hours most of the time. So that's the background on the way things have gone. She's one of the greatest girls I have met and am so happy that we are talking again and that some of our talks last for as long as five hours (like last sunday!). My question is: how would you guys, the people who have been in LDRs and know what it takes to make one work, advise that I move from here? Should I just keep doing what I am doing which is talking to her like two to three times a week, and exchanging letters with her? And also, would meeting up with her in the summer for about a week be the time I should approach her about a potential LDR? Thanks.
creighton0123 Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 1. At some point in the future, you should apologize and explain exactly why you reacted the way you initially did after you returned from your trip. 2. Casual conversation is good for now. A visit to her is fine and from there, you can decide whether you want to do something long distance. 3. If you decide to do something long distance, I'd recommend you carefully think about how often and through what mechanisms will you communicate, how often you will travel to visit one another, and what steps and time frame you might have in mind to end the distance. I would, along with many others on here, strongly discourage an open-ended long distance relationship with someone you met while traveling, especially when all you have to base your opinion on this girl is a single night fueled by sexual attraction. Remember this (and think back on your past experiences): Sometimes it happens when you encounter a person and there is an instant attraction. You cannot stop looking at one another and the attraction is quite... magnetic. Pretend it's a stranger on the street and the two of you never exchange names or numbers. You might, for the next month or so, remember this exchange between the two of you and how energetic and aroused you felt. You are riding the feely-good waves of potential. You look for this person again day after day after day for a week, a month, perhaps a few months.... If a stranger that you bumped into while on the subway or walking down the street can make you feel that way, a girl you meet and have an awesome evening with can most definitely. You have to decide here. Do you want an awesome memory of a wonderful European summer night and an amazing and beautiful girl? Or do you want that memory potentially jaded by the long, slow, patient road that is a long distance relationship? The former sounds nicer, so I would recommend you avoid the European adventure next summer. If she wants to see you, have her come to you. I hear Chicago is a nice place to visit in the summer time.
Author mkbrownie Posted November 4, 2011 Author Posted November 4, 2011 Thanks for responding creighton... I agree, I totally wish she would come here, but she does not have the means to come (like the money) and if I didn't go we wouldnt see each other at all. I guess I could pay for a plane ticket here but that's a lot for a girl that I'm just having casual conversations with. And actually the night I met her the attraction was not sexual. It was way different, like an emotional attraction. I am also 100% ready to have an LDR if it's with her because I've never felt such a connection with a girl before. Finally, what do you suppose I do with the fact that she doesn't start our conversations yet continues them for hours? Is this something that should annoy me or am I just being ridiculous? Also how would you say I go about apologizing for those initial mistakes? Thanks again
creighton0123 Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 "And actually the night I met her the attraction was not sexual. It was way different, like an emotional attraction. I am also 100% ready to have an LDR if it's with her because I've never felt such a connection with a girl before." That is still a sexual attraction at its most basic level. Sexual attraction is more than just "Wow, I want to bang that person". It can be very, very emotional and draws on anticipation of potential. I suppose it is up to her after you visit her whether or not she also wants an LDR. As for communication: if you talk enough when you initiate the conversation (and if she is always responsive to you), that seems like a non-issue. You shouldn't be annoyed by this.
Author mkbrownie Posted November 5, 2011 Author Posted November 5, 2011 (edited) Of course its up to her if she wants to have an LDR, and I honestly would be very sad if she said no because like I said I've never felt this way for a girl anywhere. Anyways, i did not know that was sexual attraction. I thought it was the one you described about wanting to bang someone, but I guess it is sexual attraction that has stayed strong for like 3 months. Finally, do you think it would be too much if, by chance, I couldn't go to Europe and offered to buy her a ticket to come here (this would be months from now and I would have a bunch of extra cash lying around after working a lot to raise money for the trip to Europe)? Keep in mind the earliest I would ask her would be months from now, but still. Parts of me wants to do this more than go to Europe because it would just be me and her, not her and her friends and me and my friends like it would be in Europe if I visited. Edited November 5, 2011 by mkbrownie
creighton0123 Posted November 5, 2011 Posted November 5, 2011 Anyways, i did not know that was sexual attraction. I thought it was the one you described about wanting to bang someone, but I guess it is sexual attraction that has stayed strong for like 3 months. Finally, do you think it would be too much if, by chance, I couldn't go to Europe and offered to buy her a ticket to come here (this would be months from now and I would have a bunch of extra cash lying around after working a lot to raise money for the trip to Europe)? Keep in mind the earliest I would ask her would be months from now, but still. Parts of me wants to do this more than go to Europe because it would just be me and her, not her and her friends and me and my friends like it would be in Europe if I visited. Heh. You may learn in the future to recognize sexual attraction for what it is, and how intimately intertwined it becomes with emotional attraction. Sure, there's one-sided sexual attraction that a person gets by simply being horny and wanting to have sex. It's the emotional equivalent of watching porn. Then there's the sexual attraction that one experiences at a physical and emotional level. You might recognize it by another term: chemistry. You end up riding the huge waves of potential and, if things don't work out, a genuine sense of loss. It happened to me once, when I met a nice European guy who was here on summer vacation. We had an amazing night that ended up with far too much alcohol and making out for hours upon hours on end -combined with some of the best and most intimate conversation in my life. When he left, I thought about a potential LDR, but realized that a single awesome night was not something that would work in the long run since it was based on chemistry instead of a romantic attachment. I ended up seeing it as the best summer romance of my life - something we were incapable of reproducing the next summer when he returned. Think long and hard about this. A long distance relationship is not for the faint of heart. It is an emotional roller coaster that continues to get more and more scary as time goes by, especially if the ride has no foreseeable ending. Be patient. See how you feel in a few months. If you still want to visit her for another European vacation, I'd say go for it and have a really awesome vacation. Perhaps then you can have the opportunity to explore your feelings about her and - more importantly - hers about you and get them all sorted.
Author mkbrownie Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 so it's been like, what, 2 months since i posted on here? I figure it's time for an update. Things had been going well, with us talking about once or twice a week, and the talks were as good as they were when we were just getting to know each other. Then right before New Years (we had been exchanging messages because she couldn't get on to chat much) she just didn't respond to my message, and I figured she just didn't have time. But now it's been a week and a half, she's always online, and she won't respond to it. She's done this before, and I really think she plays games sometimes, but this time seems different. I can't figure it out. It was only like 3 weeks ago we were planning meeting in the summer. Add to it that she told me to send her a letter, I did, and she hasn't responded to that in almost 2 months. Is there something I'm missing here? I'm getting ready to move on, and just let her figure out that she's made one mistake too many here. Really sucks actually, I'm still crazy about her, but she doesn't seem mature enough to deal with this in an adult fashion.
Recommended Posts