Hoping for a second chance after a lot of soul-searching

[LilyAna618]

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this…I really appreciate any help you have to offer. I broke up with boyfriend of 10 months about a month ago. He did not want the breakup and made that clear since we’ve been apart, but there were no grand gestures or big efforts on his part to try to reconcile (not that I expected or needed that). The main reasons for the breakup were lack of communication that lead to significant fights at least once a month and me being uncomfortable with his anabolic steroid use and subsequent narcissistic tendencies that it exacerbated. The beginning of the relationship was kind of a whirlwind romance and we moved in together very quickly. We came to realize that this put too much undo pressure on the relationship and I decided to move out in July. We stayed together though up until a month ago. At that point, I gave him an ultimatum – either the steroids or me because I was concerned about the long-term effects on his health and psyche, as well as our relationship. He agreed after a number of days to stop the steroids, but his words and actions led me to believe it was not a heartfelt decision and that there was and would be resentment behind it. So I broke up with him to save us both from that and because I was concerned that we weren’t making each other happy on a consistent basis.

 

So fast forward a month and a lot of soul-searching, I’ve come to realize that a lot of the issues in our relationship could have been resolved with some improved communication and a attitude/perspective shift on my part (basically appreciating the loving gestures that he shows me even if he shows his love differently than how I or someone else might). He also has stayed committed to being steroid-free which I'm really happy about.

 

I told him this weekend that I would like to talk about trying to work things out, maybe meet with a counselor together, etc and he seemed on-board with all of it. But then when we sat down and talked Tuesday night, he basically broke down and said that he was too hurt and confused by the breakup and the time that had passed and didn’t think he would be able to try to work things out right now. He is also in the process of opening a new business and is concerned about getting back into a “roller coaster relationship” when he needs to focus so much energy on the business. He said he still loved me and missed me though and that he would be willing to take some time to think things through. I was really upset and emotional at first, but eventually told him that I respected and understood his decision and for him to take whatever time he needed. Yesterday morning I got a text from him saying he was thinking about me and nothing else since.

 

I really love him and want the opportunity to try to work things out with a new perspective. I miss him terribly and am kicking myself for the way I handled some things. Like I said, any advice is much appreciated

[BCCA]

I think youre being too hard on yourself, and not really looking at this clearly. You broke up with him for legitimate reasons, he was using harmful drugs, he was being a douche, and the communication wasnt there. That doesnt mean he is a terrible guy, or that anything is either one of your faults, its just not a fit.

 

To be honest, living with someone is actually a great tool - at least Ive found. I think that if you can live with someone for any length of time and learn how to share a life together, it gives you some hope going forward. In your case, though, that wasnt what happened. His drug use continued, and you had to practically force him to look at what he was doing to himself before he even cared.

 

I guess it just seems to me like you feel guilty, but know he isnt the one. If Im off base, Im sorry, but I just dont see this as being the right thing for you. Being alone sucks once youve enjoyed a long term relationship, but you will get used to it.