lemonlegs Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 I'm just wondering if it's true. Guys, say you know a girl, who you've met under any circumstance and you were friends. However, you either didn't see each other in that light initially or you were both or one of you was involved with people at the time. Then, as you got to know each other better, sexual attraction built up and sometime later you had sex. Does that mean, simply because you weren't dating prior to having sex, your respect has plummeted for this girl? Despite the fact that she may be a good person and a companion? I hate when guys say that they can't respect girls who give it up outside of a formal relationship. Does that mean there can be no commitment or respect just because two people decide to sleep together outside of "being boyfriend and girlfriend?" Does that automatically make the girl a floozy? Such a cop out. Thoughts?
thatone Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 it's not that simple, but here's the thing, you can't un-do things that have been done. so once sex is on the table you can't take it away, or the other person will simply leave. if the relationship is purely sexual the decision making process is clouded. you very well may be polar opposites with irreconcilable differences. which one, the other, or both will promptly ignore because they're getting a sexual fix and don't want to lose the sex. is it possible for two very rational and well grounded people to overcome that? sure, but how many people are like that? unlikely...
loversquarrel Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 If you were friends and developed an attraction toward one another, wouldn't he have respected you as a friend first anyway? How would sleeping with you all of a sudden cause him to lose respect? It's not some random guy. I had a similar situation happen to me and she is now my girlfriend. I think she is one of the most respectable women I've met in my life and ive been with her for four years now. It never made me lose respect for her.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 I hate when guys say that they can't respect girls who give it up outside of a formal relationship. I don't like that either, but lots of guys do feel that way. If you want to have casual sex and still have the guy respect you as a person - pick a guy who does NOT feel that way. Does that mean there can be no commitment or respect just because two people decide to sleep together outside of "being boyfriend and girlfriend?" Plenty of men are able to respect women who are "easy" with their own sexuality. Not every male person operates with a double standard. If casual sex does not make him unrespectable, it doesn't have to make you unrespectable either. If you have sex with a guy when you are not "boyfriend and girlfriend," though, I don't understand why you are asking whether there could be commitment. Obviously, not. Or you would be "boyfriend and girlfriend." Right?
loversquarrel Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 YES! If she sleeps with you on a first date....would you not think...with how many first dates she slept?.... No. That's shortsighted and an immature way of thinking. I might think that she may be using me as a rebound.
Art_Critic Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 YES! If she sleeps with you on a first date....would you not think...with how many first dates she slept?.... At least one.. and so does he ... He also would have slept with her on the first date as well.. it isn't only a one way ticket.. Personally I have found it doesn't make a difference either way.. I've had relationships that started out with sex on the first date last over 4 years, my first marriage lasted 5 years and sex didn't happen till about a month or so into dating... To each their own.. just be sober and aware of what is going on..
phineas Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 if it was a first date with a woman I didn't know previously then i'd be wary she did that type of thing all the time. However if I was friends with her for a while, then what is the next step? Sex. A woman who tells me she wants to be more than friend but not have sex is just an attention whore in my book. OP, sounds to like you got played. Sorry. Do not stay friends with this person. He isn't & never was your friend.
norajane Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 Thoughts? You might be interested in thread on what men think of women who have casual sex: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t301538/
Woggle Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 I do respect self control in a person but I can't get mad at her for doing something I am doing as well.
loversquarrel Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 Being a guy I honestly can't believe how much of a double standard most guys hold. I also can't believe how many women actually think guys won't have a double standard for them. Its so rediculous. It drives me crazy how some guy will have sex with a woman on the first date, then turn around and lose respect for her?? It's as dumb as a woman thinking a guy will value her if she has slept around alot. Really?? If he loses respect for you because of that he really is an a-hole of the highest class. Seriously, and he isn't worthy of your respect.
Dust Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 I really would have more respect with a girl I had chemistry with sleeping with me on the first date then if she artificially made me wait some time or something.
grkBoy Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 I think guys are stupid in this. For all the complaining about how hard it is to get a date or to get laid, for all the complaining and worry about a wife deciding to stop having sex (or cheating) the moment she says "I do"...it's ridiculous and ironic that guys then chastise women who don't make it so hard. I had a woman sleep with me on the first date. I still wanted to try to build a RL with her. It was her own psychological hang-ups that caused us to fall apart, but I looked at her as someone who liked me enough to sleep with me on the first date. Why toss a good thing away?
joystickd Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 I looked at the link one of the posters put up to another thread about this. I am in disagreement with the do it but be discreet approach. The OP's case they were friends was ok. I think most men think about just meeting someone and they have sex maybe after a first date or sometimes no dating. In a lot of men's minds a question of loyalty comes up when he thinks about LTR potential. I say to that look at the context of these flings. I say to women if you have a past sexual history be honest about it. The saying goes what's done in the dark will come to the light. It creates more of a dramatic situation when hears about it from someone else than from you. I am just a big believer of honesty given my experiences of being decieved and mislead. Society has a whole has issues with sex. Women want to have casual sex but hate the double standard. Women want to be seen as more than just someone to have sex with and in some ways try to make a man feel guilty about just wanting sex. Men want to have casual sex but don't want women to have a lot of sexual partners. I could go on and on but the main thing is once both genders deal with those issues dating could be a whole lot better and also if people would be honest with others and themselves
carhill Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 OP, is this thread relevant here? I'm trying to put the OP into context.
loversquarrel Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 I looked at the link one of the posters put up to another thread about this. I am in disagreement with the do it but be discreet approach. The OP's case they were friends was ok. I think most men think about just meeting someone and they have sex maybe after a first date or sometimes no dating. In a lot of men's minds a question of loyalty comes up when he thinks about LTR potential. I say to that look at the context of these flings. I say to women if you have a past sexual history be honest about it. The saying goes what's done in the dark will come to the light. It creates more of a dramatic situation when hears about it from someone else than from you. I am just a big believer of honesty given my experiences of being decieved and mislead. Society has a whole has issues with sex. Women want to have casual sex but hate the double standard. Women want to be seen as more than just someone to have sex with and in some ways try to make a man feel guilty about just wanting sex. Men want to have casual sex but don't want women to have a lot of sexual partners. I could go on and on but the main thing is once both genders deal with those issues dating could be a whole lot better and also if people would be honest with others and themselves I couldn't agree with you more.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 Plenty of men are able to respect women who are "easy" with their own sexuality. Not every male person operates with a double standard. If casual sex does not make him unrespectable, it doesn't have to make you unrespectable either. In order for this to be a double standard, then both the man and the woman need to have equal access to sexual partners. Isn't that typical imbalance why men tend to have this attitude and not women?
dasein Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 In order for this to be a double standard, then both the man and the woman need to have equal access to sexual partners. Isn't that typical imbalance why men tend to have this attitude and not women? If there is no double standard, they become accountable for their own impulsive behavior and poor choices, and that condition, being responsible, a given reality for most all males learned very early in life, is completely foreign and wholly unacceptable to them.
Author lemonlegs Posted November 7, 2011 Author Posted November 7, 2011 OP, is this thread relevant here? I'm trying to put the OP into context. Hi carhill. Yes, that is the same guy so I'm sure that speaks volumes. Its been 4 months and yes, I did ignore him like I said, until school started and he was in a class of mine again. Frequently, he brings up that night and how he'd love to do it again, however he's with his ex that we both worked with that I mentioned. I've basically established him as a jackass but for whatever reason, I hate how he views me as a sex object (clearly) while I feel as though our non-sexual relationship is pretty good. But alas, he's made it clear he'd be willing to cheat on his girlfriend with me which I of course refused to do. But this was just a question generally speaking.
carhill Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 In your particular situation, if I'm reading this thread and the one I linked accurately, it's not so much that his respect for you has plummeted or that he sees you as having little value because you 'gave it up' quickly and easily. IMO, it's more like you had/have similar casual 'whatever' styles about one aspect of interpersonal relations, that being in the sexual arena, and he's continuing on in his 'whatever' style, which evidently includes cheating on his girlfriend/ex/whatever. You, OTOH, apparently draw a firm boundary between the two dynamics. I see that as a totally separate issue from respect or lack of respect regarding sexual proclivities. You and he may have been/may be a sexual style match but you're a relationship style mismatch. That's my assessment, if not too confusing Generally speaking to the title of the thread, I don't 'give it up' easily myself, so never am in the position of deciding respect for a lady I'm dating in that regard. What she did before me I have no verifiable knowledge of unless she volunteers something. So, I go with what I know and respect her for who she presents herself to be.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 Quote: Originally Posted by Mme. Chaucer Plenty of men are able to respect women who are "easy" with their own sexuality. Not every male person operates with a double standard. If casual sex does not make him unrespectable, it doesn't have to make you unrespectable either. In order for this to be a double standard, then both the man and the woman need to have equal access to sexual partners. I disagree with this. A double standard is an attitude which, in my opinion, is not dependent upon any particular circumstances. Isn't that typical imbalance why men tend to have this attitude and not women? I think the reason is probably that chastity has been a valued quality in women historically, while not so much for men.
dasein Posted November 7, 2011 Posted November 7, 2011 I disagree with this. A double standard is an attitude which, in my opinion, is not dependent upon any particular circumstances. In order for a double standard to exist, the two groups being compared have to be very similarly situated. It explains the cliche "comparing apples and oranges." If the particular circumstance of being highly similarly situated is not met, there can be no double standard. Two people run in different races of the same distance. One finishes in 1 minute and nobody cares. The other finishes in 2 minutes and gets their picture in the paper. Double standard? Not if one of them is in a wheelchair.
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