headsashed Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 Today my ex told me her grandmother was taking ill after having a huge stroke,she was close to her grandmother and tbh i got on well with her. Ive told my ex that im hre if she needs to talk because i know how she feels as i lost my unlce only a few weeks ago..am i doing the right thing? depsite everything thats gone off between us i just dont want to see anyone suffer the loss of a relative. She promised to txt me after she went to the hospital and let me know how her grandmother is,she has just txt me saying she is only a little better and that she had to goto work because she didnt want to be home alone and thinking about it. I have txt back saying im sorry to hear it and ill do what i can to help you..was i wrong? i dont feel as though ive broke NC because im helping someone through a tough time. Suggestions?
ChelseaLS Posted November 3, 2011 Posted November 3, 2011 I think you're doing good. Remember you both have spent and shared love together, and she's in a rough spot. You want the best for her and so I feel that you handled it well. You said "call me if you need". It doesn't really have anything to do with you and her or your relationship. Keep LC and only respond if she texts you. Keep it all the same as you were doing but with LC instead of NC.
Author headsashed Posted November 4, 2011 Author Posted November 4, 2011 I think you're doing good. Remember you both have spent and shared love together, and she's in a rough spot. You want the best for her and so I feel that you handled it well. You said "call me if you need". It doesn't really have anything to do with you and her or your relationship. Keep LC and only respond if she texts you. Keep it all the same as you were doing but with LC instead of NC. Im keeping it as light as i can really,she's saying things like they have all decided its best not to ressusitate her grandmother if she dies,im doing what i can to try comfort her,not once have i mentioned our relationship or anything to do with it,i actually do feel for her too. She was there for me a few weeks ago when i went through some bad stuff,within 4 weeks id lost my gf,my job,nearly my house,my uncle died and my cousin was on life support,i was in a right mess,but she was there for me to help,i suppose theres nothing wrong with returning the favour,plus i wouldnt like to see anyone suffer like this.But what can i say really? im no counsiller,all i can do is be there for her if she really does get upset. I did speak to her brother and father earlier in the pub and they told me that its not looking good either... i hope she doesnt mention anything about me moving because im trying to be nice here lol.
eleanorhurting Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 you offered your sympathy dont use this as an excuse to get close to her it will only set you back just let her close friends and people who still play an important role in her life confort her
ChelseaLS Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 Well you're doing good. No relationship, don't try to pull her back, just be there for her as you would be for your best buddy. No one knows what to say in a time of loss. Just let her vent. You're doing great. Remember it's not about the relationship and you should do just fine.
mike588 Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 you offered your sympathy dont use this as an excuse to get close to her it will only set you back just let her close friends and people who still play an important role in her life confort her I totally agree, alot of us dumpees use/find any excuse to get close or communicate with our ex. hoping something good will come out of it.
stargirl259 Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 My ex and I were going through this, sadly his grandad passed away. We broke up because he felt he couldn't deal with his grandad being ill, he hides rather than talks through his feelings. I did break NC with him to keep making sure he was ok, only as a friend but expected nothing from him. Just be there as a friend to her and nothing more... but make sure you look after yourself first. If you feel yourself hurting over talking to her, then you might need to go NC again. I have had to do that with my ex, i spent three weeks being there for him but in my heart harboured feelings for him. When I realised what I was doing, I had to go NC, just to sort my head out. He is now texting me, why I don't know yet! I hope that helps. Take care x
Bobby289 Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 Thats is sticky. I have to agree with everyone else, she was fine without talking to you after the BU and relied on her friends and family. Now this time she needs you? Sounds 50/50, tough to call.
Author headsashed Posted November 4, 2011 Author Posted November 4, 2011 Im not using this an excuse to get close to her,far from it,and if my feelings do start getting in the way then i will pull away again. Im just trying to be a friend really,All i told her is that i would be there if she needed to talk or anything,she did txt a few times and i did my best to comfort her,telling her things will be ok and it will get better cos shes strong,u know,the little things that try help. We didnt txt that much anyway and i wasnt going to pester her asking if she's ok because i told her i will be there for her IF she needs me.
melenkurion Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 It's a tricky one. I'd be very, very careful. It's the decent thing to offer sympathy, but make sure you don't get drawn back into something you can't control just because she suddenly needs support. You need to make sure you are thinking very clearly at all times, don't get caught up in emotions.
Author headsashed Posted November 4, 2011 Author Posted November 4, 2011 Im doing my best not to get caught up in emotions,im just offering my support if she needs it,thats all i can do,the 1st time i feel my feelnigs creeping back in ill go back to NC,upto now i feel ok,yes i still love her etc but im only there as a supporting friend.
alphamale Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 if she is your ex then you should have no communication with her at all. i don't care who in her family is on their death bed.
Author headsashed Posted November 4, 2011 Author Posted November 4, 2011 if she is your ex then you should have no communication with her at all. i don't care who in her family is on their death bed. I think you are right in a sense but this family member is also a person i knew pretty well too,our communication is kept to the minimum anyway,no relationship subjects have been brought up so i dont see anything wrong in keeping this small talk.
geegirl Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 (edited) I think you are playing with fire and I think it is your junkie mind believing that it's just small talk/support. "Hope" can manifest itself in very deceiving ways. You offered kind words of support. That should be it. She has friends and family to support her, moving forward. Yes, it would be cruel to have just ignored her, but you offered a shoulder, and it should stop right there. You should tell her that while you are sorry for her suffering, and wish you could be there for her, you're dealing with your own recovery and that you know she will get all the support she needs from her family and friends and that you will keep them in your prayers. Then cut and focus on you. You feel okay now because it's a false sense of security. She's talking to you, you know she is there, you know there will be more conversations about "the relative"...all under the guise of just offering support. When it all subsides, and there is no more reason to talk about the relative, you'll have to go back to where you started again. If you want to do what is right by you and not by her, you will get back on the NC wagon. If you have to say that you are trying your best to not let your feelings take over, you are asking for trouble. Edited November 4, 2011 by geegirl
Author headsashed Posted November 4, 2011 Author Posted November 4, 2011 I think maybe you are right geegirl,i mean i dont feel anything at the moment but like you said,once the contact ends ill start hurting again so its probably best to go back to NC,ive not heard from her today but she will be in bed as she works night so if she does txt ill say exactly what you said.
geegirl Posted November 4, 2011 Posted November 4, 2011 I think maybe you are right geegirl,i mean i dont feel anything at the moment but like you said,once the contact ends ill start hurting again so its probably best to go back to NC,ive not heard from her today but she will be in bed as she works night so if she does txt ill say exactly what you said. Yes, when the "reason" for contact is not there anymore, what else can the both of you talk about, especially when you are not at a point of indifference. You have to look after yourself H. You can't take care of her at the expense of your own emotional and mental health. Your responsibility is YOU. Even if she gets upset, she has to realize (if she can), that it's the right thing to do by you as she ended the R and with that she needs to allow you to heal and to rebuild yourself. She will have all the support she needs. Just keep her and her grandma in your prayers.
Author headsashed Posted November 6, 2011 Author Posted November 6, 2011 i just got a txt from my ex saying her grandmother had passed away,i just thoughht it was the wrong time to tell her what u said geegirl,all i replied was "im sorry to hear that and i hope you and ur family are ok" ..thats all i could say really.
geegirl Posted November 6, 2011 Posted November 6, 2011 That's completely understandable H. it was the right thing to tell her. I'm sure she will reach out some more but at some point, you'll have to put the brakes on as the passing of her nana comes to a close.
Author headsashed Posted November 6, 2011 Author Posted November 6, 2011 She did send 3 or 4 txts after that basically just explaining what happened etc and that she was hurting and needed a hug,I said what i could to help comfort her and she just stopped replying so i left it at that. I think ive done my bit now and if she does reach out again then ill tell her its best not to contact me if she's in the right state of mind,if not then ill just tell her that i hope she feels better soon etc. I dont think she will reach out again tbh and i wont contact her asking if she's ok,i have my own issues to deal with now. Im sure she will get better soon and so will i. On a posotive note,im going back to view my new house again today because my parents want to see it and were going to ask the landlord if i can move in sooner,thats gives me something to do if he says yes.
Author headsashed Posted November 6, 2011 Author Posted November 6, 2011 So my landlord said YES i can move in sooner,as in a week tomorrow,so all this week i have to pack and go decorate my new place,im literally excited lol.
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